Thursday, September 22, 2016

The 6 Most Offensive Things Groupon Recommended To Me

Since I have purchased a Groupon in the past, I get emails every day from Groupon with different deals and recommendations. Usually, I delete these without even taking a second glance, and honestly, I should just report it as Spam, as I'm going to look at Groupon when I need something, not make an impulse buy, because I can get two Big Macs for the price of one. Anyway, the other day, Groupon did a hell of a job and actually made me read the email by offering a Groupon that caught my eye. We'll get to that one later, because when I opened the email, I realized that none of these Groupons had any inkling of value to someone like me. So, without further adieu, here are the six most offensive things that Groupon recommended to me.

6. $299 for Laser Toenail Fungus Removal
This one is the lowest on the list, just because I am a dirty individual. I do not have toenail fungus, but I could understand how the world might assume I did. Still, even if I did, ain't no way I'm paying $300 to get rid of it. Instead, I would tell each foot's fungus about how the other foot's fungus was talking shit, and then they would have a turf war and destroy each other, leaving my toenails fungus free.

5. $139 for Botox
I did just turn 32 years old. But I'm a dude, which means I'm just going to get more and more sexy as time goes on. My hairline is strong, my body is tight, so any wrinkle I get is a gift. They're basically sex wrinkles.

4. 68% off Spider Vein Treatments
There were a lot of beauty treatments that I didn't understand, so I chose this one to be representative of all of them, as I have no clue what spider veins are. I mean, if it was like Peter Parker and meant that I could shoot webbing out of my hands, then I would very much like this treatment. Unfortunately, I think it's closer to Botox for your legs. My legs are pristine, Groupon should know that.

3. $99 STD Test
This was the one that caught my eye in the title of the email. Basically, because I wasn't sure if it was an STD test or some other test that I wasn't aware of that had really unfortunate emails. I've never had to invest in an STD test, because I keep my guy clean. Now even though that was almost entirely due to lack of opportunity to dirty my guy, it still counts as me being a responsible adult. But now I've got a wife, Groupon, so even if I had been a dirty boy, it's a little late in the game for this one.

2. $199 Breast Pump
I do not have breasts; I don't know how I would use this device without that essential part of the anatomy. This is also an advanced breast pump, and I very much think I should have a novice, and possibly even a beginner breast pump if I were trying to milk my dry nipples.

1. 59% off Puddle of Mudd Concert
This was by far the most offensive thing that was suggested for me. Puddle of Mudd sucks in such an immense way that I cannot believe they are still a band, much less touring for paying customers. Quick, name your favorite Puddle of Mudd song. A-ha, that was a trick question as all Puddle of Mudd songs suck. You could take 100% off these tickets, and I wouldn't go see them. Come on, Groupon, get your shit together.

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