Wednesday, October 3, 2018

How To Defend Against Guns...And HUGS

Guns are scary, right? If somebody pointed a gun at you, would you know what to do? It may seem like insurmountable odds, but there is a method that will neutralize any shooter. The somersault.
It's pretty simple. You just somersault, and the shooter will no longer be aiming his gun at you. He will still be aiming at chest level, but your chest is now on the ground, so he won't come close to hitting you. The beauty of the somersault as opposed to a simple sprawl is that you have now closed the distance and set yourself up for a brutal kick to the nuts.

Afterwards, you may be tempted to try to disarm the man with the gun. Don't even worry about that part. Instead, stand up and try a very awkward neck takedown that has never been used effectively in mankind's history. But mankind has never seen a person like you, and you are the one that will make great use of this. Obviously, after your neck takedown, you should go back to the nut strikes. The assailant will only be able to sadly cradle his gun, because you have destroyed his frank and beans with your vicious elbows. Chicks, dudes, and even some farm animals will totally want to bang you.

And folks, I have some wonderful news. We have a second technique to talk about.

As with the gun problem, we all know that we can be killed with violence. But there is also an expression of "Kill them with kindness." This may not seem like a literal issue, but it actually is. Have you ever found yourself trapped in a group hug? It can be terrifying, but fear not, my beautiful friend. There is hope.
You just twist as hard as you can and turn their love against them. Haha, look at those suckers who just wanted to show that they cared. Now the only thing they'll be caring for is their wounds from their vicious fall to the ground. It is the best revenge against family and friends. Afterwards, you can say something cool like, "Love hurts, motherfucker."

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