I Went To Run the Jewels - My First Rap Show

I went to my first rap show a couple weeks ago. I'm not really a fan of rap. Most people say they like all types of music, but I would say that I dislike most types of music; that's why someone has to really stand out in order for me to enjoy it. The group that stood out to me was Run the Jewels. Let's face it, Run the Jewels is the most white guy approved rap group out there. I mean, one of the two guys, El-P, is a white guy, and Killer Mike was a huge Bernie Sanders supporter, which may make him even friendlier to white people. Even with that white friendliness, I'm not sure if I would know about them if Killer Mike didn't have a song called "Ric Flair," because that's the real reason I got into their music. But I gotta say, I was excited for a new experience, and it did not disappoint.

The concert was held at Jannus Live, an outdoor venue, in the middle of downtown St. Petersburg. It's great in that you get to be outside in January to enjoy the show, but it also means smoking is allowed. Some of it was even smoke from illegal drugs, so I knew that I was at a true rap bonanza.

We came cruising in for the first act, who was a rapper named Cuz. A lot of times these opening acts are just kind of something you sit through to get to the main act, but Cuz was awesome. He ended his act with a song called Pots and Pans, and I'm not sure how anyone could listen to this and not have it put a smile on their face.

For the past two weeks, I cannot help bu burst out with a, "Spray them pots and pans, (white guy mumble). Don't forget to wash your hands, (white guy mumble)" The man even gave out his cell phone number so the crowd could text him. Cuz was great, and he left the crowd wanting more.

Next up was Gangsta Boo. She was no Cuz, but she was still pretty solid although predictable. She started talking to us about her ex-boyfriend before revealing that she had, GASP, wrote a song about him. I leaned over to my wife and said, "I bet he has a small penis." Sure enough, she rapped about him having a small dick. Her most valuable contribution was using "ho" as a term of empowerment, so now I can go around calling women hoes, because it's, like, actually a compliment.

Next up was a DJ named The Gaslamp Killer. I have never watched a DJ perform, and honestly, I'd be fine if I never did so again. This is nothing against Mr. Killer, as I feel like he did the best possible job of putting on a show as a DJ, but it is just not my jam in any way, shape, or form.

Then they put in like a 45 minute break before Run the Jewels started. This part really sucked, and I was kidn of hoping Mr. Killer would spin some more tunes, because it got pretty agonizing, especially for a Tuesday night when this old man has a bed time.

Finally, Run the Jewels came out and spit hot fire. I mean, there's really not much I can offer beyond most of their songs are ideal to get you pumped up, so you just felt a constant pump throughout the entire concert. Did I bob my head and raise my hands like the awkward white guy that I am? You bet your ass I did, but I was too into the music to feel that white guy awkwardness, and for me, that is a win. I give Run the Jewels one pistol hand aiming at one closed fist up.

Steel Panther Is The Only Concert You Need To See

I'm not a big concert guy. Outside of a deal at the fair in my hometown where you can go to six concerts for $40, I'm not sure if I've been to more than a handful of concerts, and two of those concerts were Weird Al and Wesley Willis. So, yeah, I'm not a concert guy. There's not many concerts that I would even want to see, but at the top of that list was Steel Panther, and good god, it was amazing.

First off, I guess I should let you know who Steel Panther is. They're the greatest rock group ever. In their simplest form, they are an 80s Hair Metal Band, just in present time. And you know how every 80s hair metal song was about sex, but they used innuendos? Steel Panther does the opposite in that they explain sex in the most gratuitous way possible. Seriously, one of their cleanest songs is called, "It Won't Suck Itself," because it's about getting bit by a snake and needing help getting the venom out. There are only two types of people in this world, people who have never heard of Steel Panther, and people who absolutely love Steel Panther. If you're not already, become a part of the latter group today.

Now I must admit that I am not somebody who gets excited in anticipation of things happening. Like, I'm heading to a wedding this weekend where my wife and I will see old friends, and it should be a good time. To my wife's disappointment, I can never say I'm excited by this. I know it'll be a good time, but the good time isn't here yet, and it's not something that I am building up in my head due to anticipation. I'm not filled with anticipation, so I don't get excited about these future events.

Steel Panther was the opposite of that.

Two weeks before the concert, I would just start thinking about it. I would be at work, listening to the songs and mouthing some of the dirtiest shit imaginable about gangbangs, Asians, and something that happens in adult films that rhymes with Moo Hockey, and I could feel it in my core, that excitement building. When we got to the week out mark, and I only listened to Steel Panther, I could not wipe the smile off my face. I knew Steel Panther would rock, and I was going to rock with them. There was no way it wouldn't be totally sweet.

Spoiler alert: It was totally sweet.

We got the opportunity to see Steel Panther at an ourdoor venue in downtown St. Petersburg on basically a perfect night with the night temperatures just dipping into the 70s. The venue was perfect for us as it was outdoors and probably had room for 1000 people. Beyonce played at Raymond James Stadium the night before, and I guarantee that her concert wasn't half the experience that Steel Panther provided.

Some dude opened up with his band and played for about a half hour. Finally, he said, "Alright, we got one more song (looks to his right)...wait, no more songs? Alright, we're done. Thank you, St. Petersburg!" The lesson is that you don't tell Steel Panther when you're done. They tell you when you're done.

After some set up, Steel Panther came on stage, and instantly rocked my ass off. They opened with "Eyes of a Panther," and it was on from there. Obviously, with songs like "Party Like Tomorrow Is The End of the World," "Death to All But Metal," and "Community Property," the show was obviously going to rock harder than anything that anyone could ever imagine, but they didn't just rely on how awesome their songs were. They put on a damn show.

For "Asian Hooker," they brought up an Asian girl and had choreography in the performance. For "Girl From Oklahoma," they brought up a random fan to serenade, and for "17 Girls in a Row," they brought up a bunch of girls and encouraged everyone to flash the audience (although only a few took them up on that offer).

And they took some breaks between songs to just have some fun banter. Now, explaining the banter would not be funny, as it was all sophomoric humor at best, but I was still laughing my face off at every goofy one liner. That's the thing with Steel Panther, you're there for a good time. You already like the guys in the band, so you'll find everything they say more charming and witty than you would a random stranger. It's the same way that priests get laughs at church. A priest has never said anything funny in the history of organized religion, but they always get those laughs from the congregation, because the congregation wants to like them. Steel Panther is like that, only like 100 billion times more awesome.

Steel Panther rocks harder than any band that has ever rocked. They make Guns N' Roses look like Winger. On top of this, they are ultimate showmen who entertain just as hard as they rock. I know what you're thinking, and I don't know how they're not the most popular band in the world either. But seriously, take advantage while you can see them with hundreds of like-minded people, because it is the only concert that you need to see.