ROUND 1
1 Antonio Brown, Pit WR Charles In Charge
2 Todd Gurley, LA RB baby seals and puppies
3 Julio Jones, Atl WR AwesomeSugar Omelet
4 Odell Beckham Jr., NYG WR Ruby's Roosters
5 DeAndre Hopkins, Hou WR Trouser Trouts
6 Adrian Peterson, Min RB Fart Gamblers
7 Ezekiel Elliott, Dal RB Return of the Mac
8 David Johnson, Ari RB Panty Bandits
9 Rob Gronkowski, NE TE The Calms Of Death
10 Lamar Miller, Hou RB Shortbus Superheroes
11 A.J. Green, Cin WR Deal With It
12 Allen Robinson, Jax WR Harrisburg Hairy Palmers
Who I Wanted: Todd Gurley
I knew I pretty much had no chance at getting Todd Gurley, but it would have been really nice had I gotten him. I think he’s the most talented back in the league, and the only guy who is even close is Le’Veon Bell. Gurley had another year to heal from his knee injury, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he looked significantly better this year, and he wasn’t too shabby last year.
Who I Got: Ezekiel Elliott
I was ready to pounce on whoever fell, praying that it wouldn’t be Adrian Peterson. Elliott isn’t the most talented back in the world. Honestly, if he came out in this upcoming draft, I would only take him third after Leonard Fournette and Dalvin Cook. But he’s still really good, and he is in about the best possible position for a running back. Romo being out hurts, but Prescott can threaten a bit with his legs which can also open up opportunities for running backs, so I think he’s going to be just fine this year.
ROUND 2
13 Le'Veon Bell, Pit RB Harrisburg Hairy Palmers
14 Devonta Freeman, Atl RB Deal With It
15 LeSean McCoy, Buf RB Shortbus Superheroes
16 Dez Bryant, Dal WR The Calms Of Death
17 Eddie Lacy, GB RB Panty Bandits
18 Doug Martin, TB RB Return of the Mac
19 Brandon Marshall, NYJ WR Fart Gamblers
20 Mark Ingram, NO RB Trouser Trouts
21 Jordy Nelson, GB WR Ruby's Roosters
22 Jonathan Stewart, Car RB AwesomeSugar Omelet
23 Alshon Jeffery, Chi WR baby seals and puppies
24 Jamaal Charles, KC RB Charles In Charge
Who I Wanted: Le’Veon Bell, Eddie Lacy
I knew Le’Veon wasn’t happening, so then I decided I would buy into the hype and think that Eddie Lacy is actually going to stay in shape this year. In hindsight, maybe it was a blessing that he didn’t fall to me.
Who I Got: Doug Martin
The Muscle Hamster. I don’t know how I feel about this pick either. None of the receivers really stood out for me, so I figured I would get two running backs that will get the bulk of the carries for their teams. I like Tampa Bay to improve this year as a team, but I am a little hesitant on Martin for regression purposes. But the added benefit is that I will get to root for the hometown team down here in Florida, so I guess that’s nice.
ROUND 3
25 Marvin Jones, Det WR Charles In Charge
26 Aaron Rodgers, GB QB baby seals and puppies
27 Matt Forte, NYJ RB AwesomeSugar Omelet
28 Mike Evans, TB WR Ruby's Roosters
29 Keenan Allen, SD WR Trouser Trouts
30 Cam Newton, Car QB Fart Gamblers
31 Sammy Watkins, Buf WR Return of the Mac
32 Julian Edelman, NE WR Panty Bandits
33 Latavius Murray, Oak RB The Calms Of Death
34 Russell Wilson, Sea QB Shortbus Superheroes
35 Jeremy Langford, Chi RB Deal With It
36 Amari Cooper, Oak WR Harrisburg Hairy Palmers
Who I Wanted: Sammy Watkins
I also think pretty highly of Mike Evans this year, but I have an undeniable affinity for Sammy Watkins as he produced the single most dominant receiving performance I have ever seen in person when he tore up Ohio State at the Orange Bowl a few years ago. I will never be able to get that performance out of my head. And he built a connection with Tyrod Taylor as the season went on, so if he can stay healthy, he could put up DeAndre Hopkins numbers on a bad offense. I love you, Sammy.
Who I Got: Sammy Watkins
Hooray!
Bonus Thought: Best Moment of the Draft
By far the best moment of the draft was Charles in Charge running out of time and having autopick make his selection for him That selection was Marvin Jones, who apparently he put at the top of his queue so he would remember to take him before somebody else did. Well, no need to worry about that, because he was drafted eight rounds before anyone else was considering him. God bless, autopick.
ROUND 4
37 T.Y. Hilton, Ind WR Harrisburg Hairy Palmers
38 Andrew Luck, Ind QB Deal With It
39 Jeremy Maclin, KC WR Shortbus Superheroes
40 Jarvis Landry, Mia WR The Calms Of Death
41 Tom Brady, NE QB Panty Bandits
42 Brandin Cooks, NO WR Return of the Mac
43 C.J. Anderson, Den RB Fart Gamblers
44 Jeremy Hill, Cin RB Trouser Trouts
45 Thomas Rawls, Sea RB Ruby's Roosters
46 Demaryius Thomas, Den WR AwesomeSugar Omelet
47 Randall Cobb, GB WR baby seals and puppies
48 DeMarco Murray, Ten RB Charles In Charge
Who I Wanted: Doug Baldwin
Baldwin was a guy that I targeted heavily before the draft, so I was really just hoping he would fall to me in Round 4 to get a top receiver in an offense that I think is going to throw the ball a lot. I didn’t even really consider that Brandin Cooks would fall that far, but he kept falling and falling, and I couldn’t pass up that sort of value.
Who I Got: Brandin Cooks
So, yeah, I took Cooks, another top receiver in an offense that I know is going to throw the ball a whole bunch. I mean, after I took Sammy Watkins in Round 3, the only receiver that I would have considered before Cooks was Amani Cooper, and even that is a toss up for me.
ROUND 5
49 Carlos Hyde, SF RB Charles In Charge
50 Matt Jones, Wsh RB baby seals and puppies
51 Ben Roethlisberger, Pit QB AwesomeSugar Omelet
52 Jordan Reed, Wsh TE Ruby's Roosters
53 Melvin Gordon, SD RB Trouser Trouts
54 Greg Olsen, Car TE Fart Gamblers
55 Doug Baldwin, Sea WR Return of the Mac
56 Larry Fitzgerald, Ari WR Panty Bandits
57 Ryan Mathews, Phi RB The Calms Of Death
58 Tavon Austin, LA WR Shortbus Superheroes
59 Eric Decker, NYJ WR Deal With It
60 Carson Palmer, Ari QB Harrisburg Hairy Palmers
Who I Wanted: Still Doug Baldwin
I may have also considered Carlos Hyde had he still been there, because Chip Kelly’s offense is pretty appealing for 49ers running backs.
Who I Got: Doug Baldwin
Well, that worked out nicely. As I said, I’m pretty high on Doug Baldwin, and the first five rounds got me starters at both running back positions, both receivers, and a flex. Since tight ends and quarterbacks can be had in later rounds, this was a pretty ideal run for me to start out the draft.
ROUND 6
61 Donte Moncrief, Ind WR Harrisburg Hairy Palmers
62 Jay Ajayi, Mia RB Deal With It
63 Travis Kelce, KC TE Shortbus Superheroes
64 Golden Tate, Det WR The Calms Of Death
65 Jordan Matthews, Phi WR Panty Bandits
66 Drew Brees, NO QB Return of the Mac
67 DeSean Jackson, Wsh WR Fart Gamblers
68 Delanie Walker, Ten TE Trouser Trouts
69 Arian Foster, Mia RB Ruby's Roosters
70 Michael Floyd, Ari WR AwesomeSugar Omelet
71 Kelvin Benjamin, Car WR baby seals and puppies
72 Eli Manning, NYG QB Charles In Charge
Who I Wanted: Drew Brees
Since I needed a quarterback, Brees was the guy I really wanted more than anything. On talent alone, I really liked Kelvin Benjamin in this round, as I think Cam is going to target him hard this year. I really like Travis Kelce, but this was too early for even me to take him.
Who I Got: Drew Brees
Come on, Saints offense! With Brees and Cooks, I am relying on the Saints to throw the ball a whole bunch, and considering that their defense was awful, they tried to improve with their first round pick, said first round pick got injured for the season, and yes, I think they are going to have to throw the ball a whole bunch. If Brees is healthy, last year’s stats seem like the floor for his performance and obviously the upside is much higher just by pure volume of passing.
ROUND 7
73 Tyler Lockett, Sea WR Charles In Charge
74 John Brown, Ari WR baby seals and puppies
75 Ameer Abdullah, Det RB AwesomeSugar Omelet
76 Rashad Jennings, NYG RB Ruby's Roosters
77 Emmanuel Sanders, Den WR Trouser Trouts
78 DeAngelo Williams, Pit RB Fart Gamblers
79 Danny Woodhead, SD RB Return of the Mac
80 Duke Johnson Jr., Cle RB Panty Bandits
81 T.J. Yeldon, Jax RB The Calms Of Death
82 Frank Gore, Ind RB Shortbus Superheroes
83 Zach Ertz, Phi TE Deal With It
84 Giovani Bernard, Cin RB Harrisburg Hairy Palmers
Who I Wanted: Ameer Abdullah
I am a big Ameer Abdullah supporter. I know the Lions are going to share their carries, but I have a hard time believing that Abdullah isn’t their guy 75% of the time. He’s just better than the other guys on that roster. I knew it was going to take a lot for him to fall that far, and unfortunately, he didn’t.
Who I Got: Danny Woodhead
Every year, I run into my running back’s bye weeks, and I realize that my bench is full of high upside backups with a starter who refuses to get injured, and every year, I think, man, I just wish I had a guy like Danny Woodhead who can produce 8-10 points every week and keep me in any matchup. Well, this year I have Danny Woodhead, and we’re a whole lot grittier because of it.
ROUND 8
85 DeVante Parker, Mia WR Harrisburg Hairy Palmers
86 Michael Crabtree, Oak WR Deal With It
87 Michael Thomas, NO WR Shortbus Superheroes
88 Blake Bortles, Jax QB The Calms Of Death
89 Antonio Gates, SD TE Panty Bandits
90 Derrick Henry, Ten RB Return of the Mac
91 Laquon Treadwell, Min WR Fart Gamblers
92 Philip Rivers, SD QB Trouser Trouts
93 Josh Gordon, Cle WR Ruby's Roosters
94 Kevin White, Chi WR AwesomeSugar Omelet
95 Julius Thomas, Jax TE baby seals and puppies
96 Gary Barnidge, Cle TE Charles In Charge
Who I Wanted: Nobody, really.
This wasn’t an exciting time for me in the draft. I didn’t really like any of the tight ends, and I always wait on defense, so it was just kind of some low floor, decent upside guys. As a Bears fan, I strongly considered the hype around Kevin White, but I decided to go with different preseason hype instead.
Who I Got: Derrick Henry
Outside of Dak Prescott, I’m not sure I’ve heard any more buzz about a rookie than Derrick Henry. People are already confidently proclaiming that he’s the real deal and will be one of the most successful recent Alabama running backs. DeMarco Murray has never been the most durable guy (outside of that last year in Dallas when he was literally the most durable guy), and even if Murray stays healthy, I see them shifting responsibilities more and more to Henry as the season rolls on. If you got a fancy new toy, you gotta take it out of the box and play with it.
ROUND 9
97 Vincent Jackson, TB WR Charles In Charge
98 Allen Hurns, Jax WR baby seals and puppies
99 Kirk Cousins, Wsh QB AwesomeSugar Omelet
100 Jameis Winston, TB QB Ruby's Roosters
101 Chris Ivory, Jax RB Trouser Trouts
102 DeAndre Washington, Oak RB Fart Gamblers
103 Tyler Eifert*, Cin TE Return of the Mac
104 Seahawks D/ST D/ST Panty Bandits
105 Willie Snead, NO WR The Calms Of Death
106 Coby Fleener, NO TE Shortbus Superheroes
107 Justin Forsett, Bal RB Deal With It
108 Darren Sproles, Phi RB Harrisburg Hairy Palmers
Who I Wanted: A Tight End.
That’s all I really wanted. Just a tight end of some sort. If I was going on talent, I wouldn’t have minded betting on Winston taking a step forward this year, but I can’t imagine a week where I would really start him over Brees.
Who I Got: Tyler Eifert
And I got one…kind of. Eifert is out for the beginning of the season, and although he may come back in the first month, he may not. He’s great when he’s healthy, but he’s not the most durable guy in the world. He’ll be a great pick in weeks that he’s healthy, but I’m not real sure how often this will look like a great pick.
ROUND 10
109 Derek Carr, Oak QB Harrisburg Hairy Palmers
110 Devin Funchess, Car WR Deal With It
111 LeGarrette Blount, NE RB Shortbus Superheroes
112 Matthew Stafford, Det QB The Calms Of Death
113 Stephen Gostkowski, NE K Panty Bandits
114 Corey Coleman, Cle WR Return of the Mac
115 James Starks, GB RB Fart Gamblers
116 Sterling Shepard, NYG WR Trouser Trouts
117 Isaiah Crowell, Cle RB Ruby's Roosters
118 Torrey Smith, SF WR AwesomeSugar Omelet
119 Andy Dalton, Cin QB baby seals and puppies
120 Marcus Mariota, Ten QB Charles In Charge
Who I Wanted: Corey Coleman
I’m really riding that rookie hype train this year.
Who I Got: Corey Coleman
This makes me terribly nervous. Like, I may try to package something with Elliott to see if I can get Gurley somehow. Getting a bunch of rookies and expecting to pick the right ones never works out. But I really liked Coleman coming out of college as I think his athleticism is even better on the field than his combine numbers. He’s just a threat, and although Josh Gordon could move Coleman down the depth chart, I wasn’t really willing to bet on Gordon, because he’s been away from the game a while, and I don’t see him stepping right back in and dominating like before.
ROUND 11
121 Bilal Powell, NYJ RB Charles In Charge
122 Cardinals D/ST D/ST baby seals and puppies
123 Jason Witten, Dal TE AwesomeSugar Omelet
124 Panthers D/ST D/ST Ruby's Roosters
125 Tyler Boyd, Cin WR Trouser Trouts
126 Chiefs D/ST D/ST Fart Gamblers
127 Stefon Diggs, Min WR Return of the Mac
128 Tyrod Taylor, Buf QB Panty Bandits
129 Devontae Booker, Den RB The Calms Of Death
130 Martellus Bennett, NE TE Shortbus Superheroes
131 Jimmy Graham, Sea TE Deal With It
132 Dwayne Allen, Ind TE Harrisburg Hairy Palmers
Who I Wanted: Tyler Boyd
Probably good thing that I didn’t get another rookie, but Boyd is a football player. Iowa had maybe the best corner in college football last year, and Boyd was able to consistently create enough space to make catches (Desmond King did have two interceptions in that game, but Boyd did not throw either of those passes). He finds ways to get open, and he’s an ideal number two for the Bengals.
Who I Got: Stefon Diggs
Diggs just kept falling and falling, so I had no choice but to scoop him up. It would have been wiser to get another tight end like Martellus Bennett or Zach Miller, but I figured he’d be the first option in Minnesota, and Teddy could take a big step forward this year. This was before the injury, and now Teddy likely isn’t taking any steps anytime soon. Stefon Diggs is the most likely to be the first guy dropped from my roster, and that has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with the garbage pile of quarterbacks that the Vikings currently have on their active roster (and even though I wrote this before the Bradford trade, nothing really changes with me on Diggs's value), .
ROUND 12
133 Eagles D/ST D/ST Harrisburg Hairy Palmers
134 Broncos D/ST D/ST Deal With It
135 Adam Vinatieri, Ind K Shortbus Superheroes
136 Pierre Garcon, Wsh WR The Calms Of Death
137 Travis Benjamin, SD WR Panty Bandits
138 Bengals D/ST D/ST Return of the Mac
139 Zach Miller, Chi TE Fart Gamblers
140 Texans D/ST D/ST Trouser Trouts
141 Dak Prescott, Dal QB Ruby's Roosters
142 Theo Riddick, Det RB AwesomeSugar Omelet
143 Steve Smith Sr., Bal WR baby seals and puppies
144 Raiders D/ST D/ST Charles In Charge
Who I Wanted: Broncos D/ST
God, I should have taken them last round instead of Stefon Diggs. I know they lost some guys in the middle, but Von Miller is still on this team, so it would have been nice to draft them.
Who I Got: Bengals D/ST
PANIC PICK! Once the Broncos went off the board, I was just kind of stuck deciding between the Bengals, Texans, and Raiders. Then I thought maybe I should just draft a quarterback, but then I knew that some defenses would be off the board before I could make my next pick, and I kept going back and forth. I knocked out the Texans because Watt is out early, and I may be able to snag them off the waiver wire when they have a bad game without him. Then I just decided that I didn’t want to believe in the Raiders despite them having Khalil Mack, destroyer of worlds. So then I picked up the Bengals. They’re always solid. This is not a sexy pick; it’s an okay one.
ROUND 13
145 Christine Michael, Sea RB Charles In Charge
146 Chris Johnson, Ari RB baby seals and puppies
147 Steven Hauschka, Sea K AwesomeSugar Omelet
148 Josh Brown, NYG K Ruby's Roosters
149 Markus Wheaton, Pit WR Trouser Trouts
150 Chris Hogan, NE WR Fart Gamblers
151 Ryan Tannehill, Mia QB Return of the Mac
152 Patriots D/ST D/ST Panty Bandits
153 Vikings D/ST D/ST The Calms Of Death
154 Steelers D/ST D/ST Shortbus Superheroes
155 Justin Tucker, Bal K Deal With It
156 Charles Sims, TB RB Harrisburg Hairy Palmers
Who I Wanted: Ryan Tannehill
I still needed a backup quarterback, and Tannehill is now working with Adam Gase who helped Cutler to a strong year last season. There are a lot of interesting weapons down in Miami, and Tannehill could revert to his stats from two years ago when he was like the sixth best fantasy quarterback.
Who I Got: Ryan Tannehill
I was probably going RGIII if he wasn’t there, so I’m really happy he was there.
ROUND 14
157 Mason Crosby, GB K Harrisburg Hairy Palmers
158 Mohamed Sanu, Atl WR Deal With It
159 Phillip Dorsett, Ind WR Shortbus Superheroes
160 Dan Bailey, Dal K The Calms Of Death
161 Rishard Matthews, Ten WR Panty Bandits
162 Roberto Aguayo, TB K Return of the Mac
163 Matt Prater, Det K Fart Gamblers
164 Robbie Gould, Chi K Trouser Trouts
165 Josh Doctson*, Wsh WR Ruby's Roosters
166 Bears D/ST D/ST AwesomeSugar Omelet
167 Graham Gano, Car K baby seals and puppies
168 Chandler Catanzaro, Ari K Charles In Charge
Who I Wanted: A Kicker
I was between Mason Crosby, Justin Tucker, and Roberto Aguayo. If they were all gone, I was going to make a panic pick on a kicker.
Who I Got: Roberto Aguayo
Did I take a kicker who had the yips in the preseason? Oh hell yeah. But now he’s over them and nailing 50-yarders in the rain like it’s not even a big deal. Oh, Roberto, it is a big deal, and you are going to be a big deal when you lead the league in points this year. Aguayo won’t make you sigh-o.
I feel great about my team this year, and since I am a self-proclaimed fantasy expert (like any other fantasy expert), I can just about guarantee that my team will be ravaged with injuries and underperformance. I will then swear each of them off and watch them explode for career years in 2017. Hooray, Fantasy!
