Someone Broke Into My Car Last Night

So I went out to my car at 5:30 this morning to hit the gym before work. When I got out there, I saw that my door was slightly ajar. I opened the door and saw that my glove compartment was open. Anyone who has been robbed knows that sinking feeling they get in their stomach when they realize they have been robbed and have to figure out what they lost.

My reaction? Laughter. Uproarious laughter. I have nothing of value in my car. Literally the most valuable thing in there is probably the ice scraper that is in the back, followed closely by an individual bag of peanuts. Let's imagine how that asshole must have felt as he went through the process.

Man, I gotta get me some nice stolen shit tonight. 

(Looks around before finding his target) 

Aw, fuck yeah. A 1998 Ford Escort, and it's GOLD. Man, I better get my crowbar ready, because I know that the owner must keep a bunch of very expensive stuff in there so he makes sure to lock it all the time. 

(Goes to door)

No way. It is unlocked. It is my lucky night. Time to collect my millions in expensive jewels. 

(Opens door)

Well, that's odd. No diamonds on the steering wheel. Maybe he is a cautious owner. Let me check the glove box for all the diamonds. 

(searches for diamonds in glove box) 

What the fuck is going on? This isn't just a 1998 Ford Escort. It's a GOLD 1998 Ford Escort, with a sssiiiiiick ass rear spoiler. This bro probably wipes his ass with diamond-encrusted toilet paper; I can't believe he doesn't at least have a few diamonds up in here. Oh well, at least I can steal the CD deck and get $10 from a pawn...oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me. Who the hell keeps the factory tape deck in there? This may be the last tape deck known to mankind. I would steal it, but clearly, the man who owns this is a straight up G who is not to be trifled with. I better get out of here, as I might be dead already.

(skips away from his life of crime to dedicate himself to children's charities)

So, yeah, I am guessing that is how it went down. And he was right, I am not a man to be trifled with. 

Somebody Taco Bell Taco'd My Car

Okay, I get it. Somebody out there is mad that I haven't posted anything for two weeks, and for that, I apologize. But here is your post, and I promise to do my best to never have a writing hiatus like this again.

I live in an area where five cities like to believe they are more or less equal. They all have their charms and advantages and disadvantages. But if this were an episode of Parks and Recreation, there would be four Pawnees, while I live in Eagleton. It's classy as caviar.

With that being said, I was shocked to see what had happened to my car when I went to go to work this morning. I get out there, and it looks like someone shit all over my backseat driver's side window. After taking a closer inspection and a sniff, I was relieved to find out that it was not shit. I looked to my left and saw a broken taco shell near my front tire. I looked back on the window and instantly knew. Someone had not just thrown a taco at my car, they had thrown a Taco Bell taco at my car. I'd know that meat anywhere.

At first, I was upset. I mean, who would dare desecrate a beautiful vehicle like my 1998 Ford Escort. Do people have no respect for classic cars anymore? But then, I just had to laugh. My neighborhood is so classy that they don't go around egging cars or TPing houses, they go to Taco Bell, probably buy a big box of tacos, and terrorize the neighborhood by throwing them at the nicest cars they can find.

So I am sorry about the long hiatus. I'm not mad at the culprits, I'm just mad they didn't put hot sauce on it first, because Taco Bell sauce is what turns it from car grenades into delicious, delicious food.