Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Someone Broke Into My Car Last Night

So I went out to my car at 5:30 this morning to hit the gym before work. When I got out there, I saw that my door was slightly ajar. I opened the door and saw that my glove compartment was open. Anyone who has been robbed knows that sinking feeling they get in their stomach when they realize they have been robbed and have to figure out what they lost.

My reaction? Laughter. Uproarious laughter. I have nothing of value in my car. Literally the most valuable thing in there is probably the ice scraper that is in the back, followed closely by an individual bag of peanuts. Let's imagine how that asshole must have felt as he went through the process.

Man, I gotta get me some nice stolen shit tonight. 

(Looks around before finding his target) 

Aw, fuck yeah. A 1998 Ford Escort, and it's GOLD. Man, I better get my crowbar ready, because I know that the owner must keep a bunch of very expensive stuff in there so he makes sure to lock it all the time. 

(Goes to door)

No way. It is unlocked. It is my lucky night. Time to collect my millions in expensive jewels. 

(Opens door)

Well, that's odd. No diamonds on the steering wheel. Maybe he is a cautious owner. Let me check the glove box for all the diamonds. 

(searches for diamonds in glove box) 

What the fuck is going on? This isn't just a 1998 Ford Escort. It's a GOLD 1998 Ford Escort, with a sssiiiiiick ass rear spoiler. This bro probably wipes his ass with diamond-encrusted toilet paper; I can't believe he doesn't at least have a few diamonds up in here. Oh well, at least I can steal the CD deck and get $10 from a pawn...oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me. Who the hell keeps the factory tape deck in there? This may be the last tape deck known to mankind. I would steal it, but clearly, the man who owns this is a straight up G who is not to be trifled with. I better get out of here, as I might be dead already.

(skips away from his life of crime to dedicate himself to children's charities)

So, yeah, I am guessing that is how it went down. And he was right, I am not a man to be trifled with. 


  1. "This bro probably wipes his ass with diamond-encrusted toilet paper" - I almost died from laughing, Joe. Hehe! Kidding aside, I'm sorry about what happened to your car. At least, you still have it though. :P I can't blame you. If someone broke into my car, I might also imagine a crime scene like that. You know what? My advice to you is to install a car alarm.

    Ivo Beutler

    1. I'm glad you enjoyed it, Ivo, but I really don't need a car alarm due to the fact that I have nothing of value in my car. I kind of feel bad for the wannabe criminal who wasted his time.

  2. That was hilarious, Joe! I would have paid money to see his reaction when he saw he wouldn’t be able to steal anything from your car! I think you should have at least closed the door to your car, though. If the thief were even just a bit clever, he could have gone away with your car. I mean, that’s still a car, you know?

    @Tyra Shortino

    1. I'm glad you enjoyed the post, and no need to lock doors; I live life dangerously.