Monday, May 17, 2010

Dio: Rock God

By now, I'm sure everyone has heard the tragic news that Ronnie James Dio, Rock God, has died of stomach cancer. Most people probably went about their day without thinking much of it, and those people clearly do not get the gravity of the situation.

Ronnie James Dio is to metal what Moses is to the Christianity. Sure, it's very cool to cite the teachings of Jesus, but when you actually want to see influences in the metal industry, Dio truly shaped what metal became, just like Moses and the Ten Commandments shaped Christianity.

Without Moses, Jesus doesn't have the impact and his message may have been very different. Without Dio, heavy metal music is way different. Although he never really took off commercially, just about anybody who got into heavy metal cites Dio as an influence. The dude fucking rocked.

Unless you're a total douchebag, you've definitely heard his most commercially successful song, Holy Diver. But have you listened to the lyrics? They're fucking insane. The only possible way they could make sense is if they are about drugs, but I honestly hope it's not. I hope it has no meaning. I hope he just created something awesome for no other reason but to rock.

If that's not enough for you, he popularized the Devil Horns hand gesture in metal. Without him, people would still be holding lighters like a big old puddle of douche juice (thanks to Buzz Bissinger on the stupid term "douche juice"). If he was any more metal, we wouldn't have been able to look at him, because he would have been the living incarnation of the Arc of the Covenant, and our faces would have melted clean off.

Most people would be somber when being diagnosed with stomach cancer. But here is what his wife Wendy wrote on his official website when they found out the news:
"Ronnie has been diagnosed with the early stages of stomach cancer. We are starting treatment immediately at the Mayo Clinic. After he kills this dragon, Ronnie will be back on stage."
Ronnie James Dio doesn't see cancer as a disease, he sees it as a fucking dragon. And he had every intention of slaying that dragon. That is so fucking awesome that I just about shit my pants. If we all tackled our problems like we were killing dragons, we would all be Kings of planets around the universe.

This man deserves our respect. I remember arguing with fellow employees of the River Bandits that we needed to play more Dio, and they laughed at me. Then they realized I wasn't going to shut up until some Dio was played, and they finally relented. Then they realized something, Dio fucking rocks. I just hope Heaven is ready, because Dio may be rocking their asses off as we speak.


P.S. In Season Three, Dio makes an appearance on South Park, and it's obviously awesome, but it also shows Butters getting a kiss which means that Butters' Bottom Bitch episode was built on a lie. I obviously still love South Park.

P.P.S. This was blog post number 69. The only number more fitting would have been 666.

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