Please Pay Me To Go To Las Vegas Clubs

I read an article in GQ last week about celebrities getting paid to show up at clubs. I use the term celebrity very loosely as the article focused on a Kardashian dude that isn't even a Kardashian, he just married into the Kardashians. But anyway, these celebrities people literally just show up, hang out for an hour or two and leave with a five figure paycheck.

I could totally do that. I not only know how to hang out and chill, but I'm exceptional at it. Like, as I write this, I'm just hanging out with my dog, watching a Pittsburgh Pirates game. My wife is out of town, which just shows that even without her to keep me in line, I have the initiative to hang out and chill.

When these people go out for these appearances, some of them just sip on water and refuse to drink any of the free alcohol. Well guess what my favorite type of alcohol is? That's right, the free kind. Also, they just stay in their private booth and occasionally nod at the crowd. As a man of the people, I would be out on the dance floor, West Coast Dancing my ass off and entertaining the goons while making all the ladies swoon.

What's that you say, Las Vegas Club Promoter? You're kind of full with your nightclub entertainment right now. Well, that's actually perfect, because boy do I have an idea for you. You see, I'm an old man. I don't like being out late all that much, but if given proper naps, I could do it for the people. My real time to shine is during daylight. So how about we bring the celebrity game to the outdoor bars with the lazy pools? You post up Hott Joe in his own private cabana, give me a keg of Natural Light, a grill, and some meats, and I will put on a damn show. I'll be drinking, eating, and topless, probably doing some sick dance moves on top of it all. I will make the party go from fun to fun squared (Fun X Fun = More Fun).

You see, by being a common man who lives the dream, I make it seem attainable for all those schmucks. And all they have to do to attain that dream? Just let loose and take a gamble. What better place to take that gamble than the high-rolling Craps tables.

As you can see, I understand the business. I'm not just here to take your money, I'm here to make you money. Please feel free to inquire on my booking fees on Twitter @HottJoe or by email. I look forward to our future business relationship.

I Had a Blast in Vegas...I Hope I Never Go Again

So after the fiasco of Iowa laying an egg at the Rose Bowl, there was only one thing to do change my luck: Drive four hours to Vegas. You're not going to believe this, but it didn't work. But that doesn't mean that I still wasn't able to make the most out of it.

The four hour drive was fairly miserable, mostly because my friends listened to country music the entire way, and now that I'm not a stupid high schooler, country music is complete garbage and should not be listened to by adults. But then I got there and started drinking, and that is the most reliable way to feel better. Oh, another really nice thing was when we were able to get in our hotel room, as a shower probably helped even more than the Bud Lights (judge me if you must, Natural Light wasn't available).

After I got cleaned up, it was basically time to go check out UFC 195 as our buddy, Tony Sims, was going to be fighting on the card that night. Although there were about 15 of us going, only three other guys wanted to go early with me. We walked in and went to our seats, which were of course nosebleeds. I quickly decided that these simply would not do, so we moved down to the third row into some empty seats. It is a way more baller way to watch fights.

We got to stay in those seats until the final three fights, which was bittersweet, as they were great seats, but it unfortunately gave us a great view of seeing our buddy get caught in a guillotine. After we got kicked out of our seats, we had to move up 25 rows, but we still had a great view of seeing a first round knockout by Stipe Miocic, and then one of the best fights in UFC history between Robbie Lawler and Carlos Condit. That fifth round was one of the craziest things I have ever seen, as I was literally jumping around and started hugging strangers when it was over, because none of us could believe what we had just seen.

Props to Tony for keeping his sense of humor and meeting up with everybody at a bar called Losers at Mandalay Bay. The unfortunate part was that it was a country bar, but at least there were two single, Australian women for a half dozen guys to hit on and be denied by. It really hammers home one of the best parts of being married is never having to hit on women. This was evident as the women asked me if I was married, and I said yes, ending any possibility of seducing them or them seducing me. Still, in my mind, I can assume that I dashed their hopes of hooking up with a Bonafide American Stud, even though they were likely just making small talk.

Luckily, I had two buddies that were tired of a place called Losers with overpriced drinks and wanted to go to the club where Tony had a VIP table. Even if he wasn't going, there was no reason we couldn't go and enjoy some free booze and scantily clad ladies in cages. When we got there, it was really fun, but that was simply because of the free alcohol. Like, you could have given me free booze in a dive bar with convicts, and I could have at least as much fun. At 31 years-old, I am not a club guy. Still, I did start to get down, had one girl who thought she could get down better than me, and then I proceeded to twerk her right off the stage. She was obviously impressed with the power of my dance moves, and also that I was dedicated enough to harm a girl with said dance moves.

Outside of the booze and booty shaking, my highlight was having a conversation with a guy who looked like the bad guy from Daredevil; he knew all of the girls that worked there, so I'm going to assume that he was an evil mastermind, and I was a pawn in his plan to take over the world.

After that, my buddy played some Craps, and I took advantage of more free drinks. After that, we headed back to the hotel, ran into people at McDonalds and took down some sausage burritos for sustenance. I usually hate McDonalds, but them having Sausage Burritos at any time can be really clutch when you are drunk and just need something that will help you not feel like shit the following morning. Bless you, Sausage Burritos.

It was 4:30 AM when we got back to the room and passed out. Then I woke up at 6:00 AM to catch my flight. Shockingly, I did not particularly enjoy my cross country flight back to Florida, especially since my body has decided that that I will never be able to sleep on an airplane.

This was by far my most positive Vegas experience. I had a great time, and I still felt a little empty when it was all said and done. Although free drinks are one of my favorite things in this world, gambling and glamour just don't do it for me. I can make the best of any situation, but Vegas is at the absolute bottom of places I want to see again.

I wish my friends would give me an excuse to go to Austin.

Jordan Burroughs Is the Michael Jordan of Wrestling

The NFL kicked off while college football cruised into week two this past weekend. There were some very fun games (Iowa vs. Iowa State) and some games that made me sick to my stomach (Iowa vs. Iowa State), and amazing things happened on football fields around the country. And none of those things can even hold a candle to what happened in Las Vegas this past weekend, where Jordan Burroughs won his third world championship (four, if you count his Olympic Gold Medal, which you probably should). Burroughs is not just a great wrestler; he is the Michael Jordan of wrestling and the most underappreciated athlete of his generation.

It's impossible to describe how great Burroughs is in words. He is currently on a five year run of dominance. In 2011 and 2012 in his first years of international competition, he blew through everyone to get a World Championship and an Olympic Gold. That led to my favorite sports photo in history.

This is why sports matter.

After 2012, wrestling overhauled the scoring, and it didn't slow him down a bit. He is 23-1 in world championships, and his only loss was in 2014 to the eventual World Champion who he had to wrestle after spraining his MCL. The knee is super important to a wrestler, and despite Burroughs spraining it in the first match of the tournament, he still went on to win the Bronze Medal.

You may have noticed that I skipped over 2013. That's because I'm not totally convinced that 2013 is humanly possible. Like, I know that it did happen; there's record of it and everything, but logically, my brain cannot wrap my head around Jordan Burroughs at the 2013 World Championships. Burroughs won the World Title while outscoring his five opponents by a score of 34-3. These are the best wrestlers in the world, and Burroughs ran threw them like they were nothing. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, he did this all on a BROKEN ANKLE.

He broke his ankle four weeks before the tournament, required a surgery where they put in five screws and a plate in his ankle and told him he should be able to start training again in 6-8 weeks. Instead, he got back on the mat 11 days before the World Championships, and then beat the shit out of everyone competing in Hungary. Michael Jordan gets lauded for the flu game (rightfully so), but that is nothing compared to what Burroughs did.

So even though Burroughs lost last year, everybody knew that he was the guy to beat this year, and he went out and proved why by outscoring his opponents 36-5(I highly recommend watching his semifinals matchup: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzUklhcwRDU). I mean, he did it on two fully functioning ankles, so it's kind of a ho-hum performance. And that's where we're at with Burroughs. There is no way for him to impress us at this point, because what he's done so far is mind-bogglingly impressive. He is America's most dominant athlete, and it's not particularly close.

But it's wrestling, and although wrestling is gaining in popularity (partially because of Burroughs who doubles as an incredible ambassador for the sport), it may not even make it in the top 10 of most popular sports in the United States. But don't miss out on Burroughs's greatness; it is truly historical, and even if wrestling isn't your jam, watching someone excel to this level at something is an opportunity you don't want to miss.

Jordan Burroughs is the Michael Jordan of wrestling? No, no, no. Michael Jordan was the Jordan Burroughs of basketball.

What USA Wrestling Could Learn From WWE NXT

If you really want to irritate/anger freestyle wrestling fans, tell them it needs to be more like professional wrestling. Now let me just state up front that I am not advocating for predetermined feuds and finishes. Still, something needs to be done in order to drum up interest for freestyle wrestling in the United States, and WWE's NXT promotion actually set up a solid blueprint that USA Wrestling should follow.

This was what popped in my head as I was watching the US Open from last weekend. I kept thinking about it, because the event, held in Las Vegas, was maybe 20% full for the finals matches. And they did the same thing with the World Cup a few months ago with it in Los Angeles. There were more people rooting for Iran than were rooting for USA in the finals. That isn't pathetic; that's embarrassing.

Now I understand what the committee was thinking. Put great wrestling events all around the country to cultivate a nationwide following to support the sport. That's a great long-term goal, but wrestling isn't ready for that sort of leap; they need to take baby steps first.

This is where NXT really comes in. NXT basically runs as an independent wrestling promotion. It started off, slowly gained popularity near Orlando, FL. They did all of their taped events at one venue and then traveled throughout Florida for house shows. They kept putting on wildly entertaining shows in front of a packed house that was thoroughly invested, and honestly, it just looked like a great time to go see a show live. Now it is a phenomenon that can occasionally travel anywhere in the country and sell out wherever they go.

That is what USA Wrestling needs to do. Let's face it. The Midwest and Pennsylvania are the only areas that have a passionate fan base, and honestly, those are the only places that should have USA wrestling events (There is also Beat the Streets in Times Square, but that's a special attraction. Italy probably doesn't care about wrestling, but if they put matches in the Colosseum, people would come to see the spectacle). But just look at this Finals match between Brent Metcalf and Jordan Oliver. This would be sad for an early round match, but it's just sad considering that these are two of the top 20 wrestlers in the world at their weight, fighting for their shot to be the top dog in the United States.

And when you see elite wrestlers in front of mostly empty arenas, does that look like fun? No, it doesn't, and it doesn't help progress the sport in this country.

USA Wrestling is in a weird spot, as they have all of the best wrestlers in the country, but this country still cares more about college wrestling. Even if USA Wrestling holds their events in the hotbeds of wrestling, they still probably aren't selling out big-time arenas. But if they put it in a consistent spot, it will grow in popularity, because they already have a fantastic product. Get it on a real TV channel, even if it's not live, and just expose people to the product.

But patience is the key. It will take some time, but focusing on one area, and achieving success there is the first step. USA Wrestling isn't ready to branch out. Stick to the core audience, and slowly spread out. In April, the Olympic Trials are in Iowa City, a perfect spot for them. 2020 might need to be there too, but by 2024 you can go out to Philly, and by 2028, maybe you hit New York, and then 2032 can be in Vegas or LA. USA Wrestling doesn't like taking cues from the fake version of the sport, but it could learn a lot about building up their brand by looking at NXT.

I Can't Believe Benchwarmer Is a Real Company

So I was watching The Millionaire Matchmaker last week. I know that may shock some people due to my badass exterior, but I find it to be an incredibly entertaining show. But I'm not here to talk about that so much, as one of the millionaires really bothered me. He estimated his net worth to be around $5 million. That didn't really bother me either. What did bother me is how this clown made that money.

Most people on the show are involved in finances, hedge funds, or something of that nature. Basically, they steal money from hard working people until they're a millionaire. For some reason, those people don't bother me; I'm numb to their diabolical ways. But this guy was different. He created a company called Benchwarmer, and this pisses me off far more than any Wall Street jagon ever could. It is a company that makes baseball cards, but instead of athletes on the cards, it puts hot chicks on them.

I have decided to break down their About Us section to show you why this company angers me so much:

FROM HUMBLE BEGINNINGS IN 1992, Bench Warmer started as a simple idea: to putbeautiful women on baseball cards. 

Fuck you. I wish I could reach through my screen and strangle the person who wrote this. If I ever write, "From humble beginnings," please beat the shit out of me. Get a baseball bat if necessary. I'll deserve it. My only question about this idea is did they get the idea from Vegas who put hookers on cheap versions of baseball cards or did Vegas steal the idea from them? I'm guessing the former, because Vegas is the leader in everything. But here's the thing: Vegas did it better. Sure, the girls on Benchwarmer's trading cards are probably more attractive, but I can have sex with the girls on Vegas's hooker cards. And those cards are free. Is this a business surviving solely on horny men who are unable to make it to Vegas? How does that equate to a five million dollar business? Alright, maybe the next section won't bother me as much.

It was a nostalgic throwback to the Golden Era ofbaseball cards that most American boys collected – except with hot girls on them instead of sports heroes.

Every sentence just oozes arrogant douchebaggery. Let's move on before I punch something. There is no way I can make it through this whole thing.

But the owner says this business has made him worth around five million dollars. I can't imagine being a bank manager and getting asked for a business loan for that business. I would have laughed him right out of my bank. Mac, Charlie, and Dennis's plan to buy gas and then sell it in a year was a far better business plan than this guy has.

But as stupid as this business is, there is a lesson to be learned here. There are way more perverts out there than I could possibly imagine. No well-adjusted adult is buying baseball cards with hot chicks on them. I mean, if I want to check out hot chicks, I go on the internet to bars and hit on them. Ah, who am I kidding? I go on the internet too; that's what it's there for. Yet the people who buy these are not only nasty; they're apparently computer illiterate. They make rash decisions, and keep America's economy afloat. How do stupid perverts get money? That is a topic for another day, and one I actually hope to avoid altogether.

Anyway, I admit that I'm angry that this business is successful as it is so mind numbingly stupid that it should have no chance of success. But this guy has a business that is based on only hiring and hanging out with hot chicks. That's kind of commendable. When I really think about it, one question comes to mind...

Are they hiring?

-Joe

P.S. I take it we're all in agreement that this is the one show that could surpass Franklin & Bash as the best show on television. An 80's wrestling drama is brilliant, and I know I can count on The Rock to produce absolute greatness.