The 45 Most Important Players to the Chicago Bulls Dynasty - #31 John Salley

John Salley
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (deep breath) uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck John Salley. I wanted to put John Salley last. He was a part of the "Bad Boy" Pistons teams, and therefore is my sworn enemy. You may think that Dennis Rodman would also fit this bill, but Rodman transcended those teams and became an entity unto himself. But John Salley sucks ass. Unfortunately, I had to put him this high, because despite limited action for the Bulls, he did actually play during the playoffs for a Bulls championship team.

In the 1995-96 season, John Salley's career was winding down. He was a long ways away from the Bad Boy Pistons, and he was even a couple years away from being a valuable member of the Heat. Instead, he was a member of the Toronto Raptors, the third to last pick in the expansion draft that brought two Canadian teams to the NBA.

Even on that expansion Raptors team, he struggled to make an impact and negotiated a buyout of his contract in February of 1996. The Bulls waited over a month before signing him to a 10-day contract, which I assume was mostly as a joke to troll Pistons fans. Then, he did well enough for the Bulls to sign him to another 10-day contract. Much like his Pistons days, he didn't do a whole lot in the box score, but he showed great aptitude at fouling people as he would average 7.2 fouls per 36 minutes. The Bulls figured the safest spot for him was on their team, so they kept him around for the rest of the season.

In the playoffs, it was more of the same. He specialized in garbage minutes. He scored 14 points while shooting 28% from the free throw line but did manage a whopping 25 fouls. I tried to find a video of his time with the Bulls, but every video I saw showed his stupid face, and I didn't want to subject anybody to that.

He would retire after the 1995-96 season, and the only notable thing that he did after that point was act as a consultant on a single episode of Millionaire Matchmaker. No shocker that his consulting did not lead to anyone finding love.

tl;dr John Salley's only useful skill are fouls, whether it be on the basketball court or fouling up others' opportunities at love. And the Pistons still suck.

Previous Entries:

#45 - Jack Haley

#44 - Rory Sparrow

#43 - Chuck Nevitt

#42 - David Vaughn

#41 - Jo Jo English

#40 - Ricky Blanton

#39 - Matt Steigenga

#38 - Joe Courtney

#37 - Keith Booth

#36 - Mark Randall

#35 - Ed Nealy

#34 - Rusty LaRue

#33 - Corey Williams

#32 - Joe Kleine

I Can't Believe Benchwarmer Is a Real Company

So I was watching The Millionaire Matchmaker last week. I know that may shock some people due to my badass exterior, but I find it to be an incredibly entertaining show. But I'm not here to talk about that so much, as one of the millionaires really bothered me. He estimated his net worth to be around $5 million. That didn't really bother me either. What did bother me is how this clown made that money.

Most people on the show are involved in finances, hedge funds, or something of that nature. Basically, they steal money from hard working people until they're a millionaire. For some reason, those people don't bother me; I'm numb to their diabolical ways. But this guy was different. He created a company called Benchwarmer, and this pisses me off far more than any Wall Street jagon ever could. It is a company that makes baseball cards, but instead of athletes on the cards, it puts hot chicks on them.

I have decided to break down their About Us section to show you why this company angers me so much:

FROM HUMBLE BEGINNINGS IN 1992, Bench Warmer started as a simple idea: to putbeautiful women on baseball cards. 

Fuck you. I wish I could reach through my screen and strangle the person who wrote this. If I ever write, "From humble beginnings," please beat the shit out of me. Get a baseball bat if necessary. I'll deserve it. My only question about this idea is did they get the idea from Vegas who put hookers on cheap versions of baseball cards or did Vegas steal the idea from them? I'm guessing the former, because Vegas is the leader in everything. But here's the thing: Vegas did it better. Sure, the girls on Benchwarmer's trading cards are probably more attractive, but I can have sex with the girls on Vegas's hooker cards. And those cards are free. Is this a business surviving solely on horny men who are unable to make it to Vegas? How does that equate to a five million dollar business? Alright, maybe the next section won't bother me as much.

It was a nostalgic throwback to the Golden Era ofbaseball cards that most American boys collected – except with hot girls on them instead of sports heroes.

Every sentence just oozes arrogant douchebaggery. Let's move on before I punch something. There is no way I can make it through this whole thing.

But the owner says this business has made him worth around five million dollars. I can't imagine being a bank manager and getting asked for a business loan for that business. I would have laughed him right out of my bank. Mac, Charlie, and Dennis's plan to buy gas and then sell it in a year was a far better business plan than this guy has.

But as stupid as this business is, there is a lesson to be learned here. There are way more perverts out there than I could possibly imagine. No well-adjusted adult is buying baseball cards with hot chicks on them. I mean, if I want to check out hot chicks, I go on the internet to bars and hit on them. Ah, who am I kidding? I go on the internet too; that's what it's there for. Yet the people who buy these are not only nasty; they're apparently computer illiterate. They make rash decisions, and keep America's economy afloat. How do stupid perverts get money? That is a topic for another day, and one I actually hope to avoid altogether.

Anyway, I admit that I'm angry that this business is successful as it is so mind numbingly stupid that it should have no chance of success. But this guy has a business that is based on only hiring and hanging out with hot chicks. That's kind of commendable. When I really think about it, one question comes to mind...

Are they hiring?

-Joe

P.S. I take it we're all in agreement that this is the one show that could surpass Franklin & Bash as the best show on television. An 80's wrestling drama is brilliant, and I know I can count on The Rock to produce absolute greatness.

Lexus Owners Are Awful Parents

As I was catching up on The Millionaire Matchmaker (don't judge me), I saw a commercial that really irritated me.  I've seen it about 150 times, so I'm sure you've seen it too.  A Dad brings his daughter to a tree farm to get a Christmas tree.  Here is the commercial for any of you who are not familiar with this abomination.

So there they are, at the tree farm, and this little girl is desperate for a Christmas tree.  She keeps asking if they can get this one, or that one, or the other one.  When I first saw this, I thought this Dad was going to be awesome and get her a really kickass Christmas tree.  I was overcome with sadness when this exchange happens:

Little Girl:  This one?
Asshole Dad:  Still not big enough.
Little Girl;  But it's the biggest one here.

Then, we jump forward and realize that he did not purchase a Christmas tree, but instead bought his wife a Lexus.  Think about this for a second.  This piece of shit father dragged his little girl to the Christmas Tree farm in the middle of winter, made her freeze her ass off, because she was under the impression that her prick of a Dad would actually get her a fucking Christmas tree.  But no, he just taunts his daughter every time she sees a tree that she wants.  Seriously, look at how sad she is:

What a dick.  He could probably make it up to his daughter if he got her an awesome Christmas present, but he decides against that.  Instead, he uses the money he saved on not purchasing a Christmas tree or anything for his daughter so he can get a Lexus for his wife.  He probably still could have gotten his daughter some decent presents, but he decided to buy lights for his wife to decorate, and an ridiculously large bow for the Lexus. 

So congratulations you awful pieces of shit.  You may have a new Lexus in the family, but child services will be taking away your child within the week.

They gained a car and lost a daughter.  Come to think of it, these Lexus owners might be onto something.  Like they always say, assholes finish first.

-Joe

P.S.  Things that pissed me off about this commercial that I was unable to work into this post:
1.  They already had a goddamned Christmas tree growing in their yard.
2.  His wife was decorating with lights on Christmas morning.  It's a little late for that, you Lexus driving piece of shit.

P.P.S.  The Space Jam website is still in tact from 1996, and it is AWESOME.