Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Drinking Whiskey and Watching The Power Rangers Movie

So I decided to take a half day a few Fridays ago, so I could party before going to a concert that night. It turns out that none of my friends had the foresight to do the same, so I was alone in my afternoon off. I still made the most of my free time as I decided to hang out with my dog, drink whiskey, and watch The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers movie. This turned out to be an awesome decision. The whiskey doesn't make a big difference, as all it really meant is that I laughed a lot more, and my notes towards the end had a a lot of misspellings. The one thing you should know is that I cannot recommend watching this movie sober, yet I highly recommend watching it drunk.

So the movie starts with all of the Power Rangers skydiving. Of course, their arch nemeses, Bulk and Skull are going along for the ride. Since they are stupid bullies, and not the harmful kind, they forgot their parachutes. Luckily, the Power Rangers let them know about it before they decided to jump out of the plane. Way to save the day, Rangers.

Why are they skydiving, you ask? Like they need a reason. But they do have a reason. It is the Angel Grove Jump-A-Thon, which was put on to save the observatory. Some old guy stumbles as he lands. His kid then tells him, "Watch, this is how the pros do it," because luckily the Power Rangers are actually professional sky divers when they are not fighting Rita and the evil Lord Zed. This is a huge break for the observatory, having pro sky divers in their small town.

May I digress for one moment? Thank you. Observatories may be the biggest waste of government spending out there. I have never been to an observatory. I am not sure if I even know where an observatory is. It seems like there are a ton of movies where teenagers are trying to save the observatory. Observatories are the worst.

Back to the plot. All of the Power Rangers are skydiving and doing cool tricks. Well, almost everyone. Tommy (White Ranger) is sky surfing and instead of doing cool tricks, he is doing awesome tricks. Everyone else must feel ashamed.

It should be mentioned that the regular Red Ranger has been replaced by another non-descript white guy, but they did change his name to Rocky. The Black Ranger was replaced by an Asian looking dude and is now named Adam. This means that due to cultural divesity laws, the Asian Ranger, Yellow, had to be replaced by a black chick. Her name is now Aisha. Kimberly is still pink, and Billy is still blue.

Oh yeah, on top of their Olympic level skydiving, they could also probably be professional rollerbladers as they are doing all sorts of SICK tricks while “blading” through the city.

The Rangers then get an urgent message from Alpha because some construction guys found an egg that can electrocute people. Zordon informs them that this is an evil beyond all imagination. I’m guessing it’s the Gobbledygooker. Lord Zed and Rita open the egg and ooze turns into this old dude who needs to crack his neck. His name is Ivan Ooze, and he is not that frightening. Rita wants to bang Ooze and Lord Zed is hella jealous of this guy.
Ivan Ooze's special powers include being able to shape-shift, being able to shoot lightning bolts, and the ability to smell teenagers (just so you know, he HATES the smell).

Alpha is such a douche. I wrote this multiple times throughout my notes, but this one is the one that got to stick, because, yeah, Alpha is a douche.

Ivan Ooze mentions the Black Plague, the Spanish Inquisition, and the Brady Bunch Reunion. He has been out of the egg for ten minutes and somehow learned about all of these things. Of all of the inaccuracies in this movie, this one bothered me the most.

Kimberly said that Zordon (who is dying) was like a father to them. What happened to their parents? Don't these kids have curfews? Seriously, put these Power Rangers in a foster home. Perfect evidence of why they should be in a foster home is that Alpha tells them that he can send them to a distant planet to save Zordon, but everyone who goes there dies. The Power Rangers all decide that it is a GREAT idea to go there. The Power Rangers are completely unfazed by death and murder. They killed a ton of foot clan ooze jabronies, and they were totally fine with their murders. Billy got ooze on his hands after killing one and said, “You ooze, you lose.” Murder is like brushing teeth for them, always do it once, sometimes 2-3 times a day.

Ivan Ooze called Zed and Rita “Dingle Dogs.” I am now going to try to work this into every conversation I have.

A strange wizard man (spoiler: it's Ivan Ooze) is handing out free ooze. There are no parents around to stop this. I feel like this movie could have been much shorter had there just been responsible parents in Angel Grove. It turns out that this Ooze turns people into zombies. Wait, actually, I should clarify. The ooze turns parents into zombies. Also these zombies are all inefficient construction workers. Seriously, if you watch people working in the background, their work rate is pathetic.

Best joke of the movie:
Evil Winged Animal Guy – Put your weak back into it.
Other Bad Guy – I had a weak back…about a week back.

Okay, so I thought that Ivan Ooze had the powers to create the Ooze and bottle it up so parents would become his zombies. Then I find out that parents are working in a factory to make the Ooze. So, how did he get that first batch going? This very much bothers me. I should be a movie consultant.

So I thought they were just ninjas, but then the Power Rangers turned into new animals. Ones that weren’t extinct which obviously makes them superior. Aisha is the bear. Rocky is the ape. Billy is the wolf. Kimberly is the crane. Adam is the frog. Tommy is the falcon.

So they are all fighting this really bad machine, and the yellow ranger goes, “Time to boogie with the Bear,” the machine just blasts her away and she is now completely worthless. The Frog was more successful than The Bear; I did not see that coming.

With all of the damage that has gone on in this movie, it is amazing that The Pink Ranger decides that it is important that he destroyed the monorail. And yes, of course Angel Grove has a monorail.

The little nerd who made fun of his dad for not being a professional skydiver was riding the monorail so he could save his parents. I’m not sure why he decided to take over a monorail to do that, but he did. Luckily, he gets help from Bulk and Skull, because that hard exterior is just to protect their heart of gold.

They were locked up with Ivan Ooze. The Yellow Ranger said, “Desperate times call for desperate measures.” She then hits the button titled, “In case of emergency only.” What did that button do? Kneed him in the groin. That is how they saved the day. An “emergency knee to the groin.” I'm not kidding. That is really what happened.

They saved the world and then saved Zordon. I proceeded to celebrate by drinking too much, and West Coast Dancing. Thanks, Power Rangers.

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