Monday, January 30, 2012

Am I Too Old To Love Pro Wrestling?

As I have stated before, I still watch and enjoy pro wrestling. There was a few years that I got out of it, but thanks to Zack Ryder's YouTube show, I really got dedicated to watching Raw every Monday night and watching Smackdown when I remembered. A lot of people think this is sad and pathetic, but trust me, we have not gotten to the sad and pathetic part yet.

So I was watching the Royal Rumble last night, and although it didn't have the greatest matches top to bottom, two matches stood out with the CM Punk/Dolph Ziggler title match, and, of course, the Royal Rumble match.

In the Royal Rumble match, it came down to Sheamus and Chris Jericho. Before the match, I predicted that Sheamus would win the Rumble (worst brag ever?), but Jericho is one of my all-time favorite wrestlers. I have read not one, but both of his books. My brain was with Sheamus since I love being right, but I was definitely more rooting for Jericho, because I feel more of a personal connection to Jericho. Throughout the end of the match, I was on the edge of my seat as each guy was nearly eliminated about a half dozen times. In the end, Sheamus eliminated Jericho and will go on to headline WrestleMania. Good for Sheamus.

Before I go any further, I would just like to say that I know wrestling is all predetermined. I choose to not use the word fake, because wrestlers pull off some pretty legit moves. But yeah, I get it; it's not a real sporting event; it's sports entertainment.

Now the Punk/Ziggler match stood out, because I am a huge Dolph Ziggler fan. I think he's hilarious, and I think he's an extremely entertaining wrestler. Twitter has helped me like him even more as we both have an affinity towards Archer as well as a preference for empty stomach cardio. I thought he would beat Punk, and more importantly, I thought he deserved to beat Punk. The same thing that makes me think my favorite sports teams should win guided me in determining that Dolph Ziggler deserves to win. Even though they put on the best match of the night, I was a disappointed when CM Punk retained his title. I didn't realize it at the time, but after the show was over, I had to ask myself the tough question. At 27 years old, am I too old to be cheering for pro wrestlers?

I was forced to do some self-reflection, and I realized something. Pro wrestling is awesome. I want to remain passionate about for as long as possible. I know it's predetermined, but so are movies and television. Think about how awesome it is to watch something that you love and to just get lost in the storyline. Good movies and television shows aren't that common, so think about how much fun it is when you can get lost in something like that. I get to experience that every Monday night, and I love it. Don't feel sorry for me, because if you don't have anything that you can immerse yourself into and care about, honestly, I feel sorry for you.

I am 27 years old and proud to be a pro wrestling fan. Deal with it.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Moneyball 2 Is Going To Be Awesome


As I am sure a lot of you know, Moneyball got six Oscar nominations, including Best Picture, Best Actor (Brad Pitt), and Best Supporting Actor (Jonah Hill). Was it worthy of these nominations? That’s debatable, but certainly not in my mind as somehow the Academy overlooked the contributions of everyone involved in Fast Five.

Moneyball was a solid movie, but it is going to pale in comparison to Moneyball 2. Michael Lewis has not written that book, but the story started to unfold a couple days ago with one innocent tweet.

 Jose Canseco 
 
Billy is probably as good looking as brad pitt
Oh, yes, this is starting off better than I could have hoped. Way to butter him up, Jose. Now, let's follow it up with something casual.

 Jose Canseco 
 
I am going to play this year
Excellent. Let the world know of your intentions. Now it's time to go for the kill.

 Jose Canseco 
 
Billy beane call me would love to dh for you just give me a tryout that's all I ask
YES! Billy Beane and I both know that aging slugger/former steroid user/reality TV star is the newest market inefficiency in baseball. Some scouts overrate players who look good in jeans. Have you seen Jose Canseco move lately? He can probably barely put on jeans. Does that matter? Hell no! We're talking about the man who led the Yuma Scorpions in Home Runs last year...with 8. Get this man signed immediately.

 Jose Canseco 
 
Baseball hates bill James but the Boston red sox hired him .that's from the movie money ball .baseball hates me maybe they can hire me
This may be the most underrated tweet in the history of Twitter. Its simplicity is what makes it so beautiful. Jose Canseco is nearly 50 years old, but looking at this tweet, you would guess the age of the Tweeter to be somewhere between 5-7. It sounds like he is doing show-and-tell for his Kindergarten class, and he is explaining how this one guy overcame odds, so I will also overcome odds, and it will be great. It’s also sad, because everyone just wants to push this kid out of the way, because the kid coming up next brought in his pet turtle.

 Jose Canseco 
Fenway 350 lifetime batting average 1 hr per every 9 at bats .I am ready to play for Boston give me a tryout
Then Jose got to thinking. If Boston hired Bill James, maybe they will hire Jose Canseco. What is Moneyball about? Stats, so Jose Canseco shows off his inner-sabermatrician, and drops home runs per at bat in a specific ballpark. Is Jose hinting that the new market inefficiency might be nerds? Look how well Ivy League graduate Sam Fuld did last year…for the first two months of the season. Another benefit is that Jose showed off his Scott Boras side to create a BIDDING WAR. How high will they go?

 Jose Canseco 
I guess murderers and child molestors get more chances than I do
Don’t worry, Jose. Your time will come. You are a better man than James Early Ray and Jerry Sandusky combined…wait a minute, that combination would just create a racist, molesting murderer, so yes, you are totally better than that combination. Please, Oakland or Boston, make this happen. If the World Series Ring isn’t sweet enough, how does hundreds of millions of dollars in movie revenue sound? Plus, I’ve already got a great tagline.

“He’s not a murderer, he’s not a rapist, he’s Jose Canseco, and he’s finally getting a second chance…Moneyball 2.”

My only question is: Great idea or greatest idea ever?

I’m going with the latter.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Sledding Is The Worst

I haven't gone sledding in quite a few years, but I did see some young whippersnappers attempting to do so today. I say attempting, because they were not in the process of sledding, but rather preparing for their next trip down the hill. As I saw them slog up the hill, it dawned on me that there could be no worse pastime than sledding.

Sledding is most fun when you're going down a long, steep hill. Even I can admit that going down a long, steep hill is pretty damn fun while you're going down, especially if there are trees involved as the added danger only heightens my enjoyment. But as a runner, I know there is nothing worse than going up hills, wait, scratch that, having to drag a god-damned sled up a long, steep hill is definitely worse.

At best, you get about 30 seconds of fun, and if you do find a hill that long, that means that your trek up it is going to be long and tortuous. I can't imagine a less-fulfilling activity. When I saw those kids slowly churning up the hill, there was no point at which I thought that looked fun; I just felt really bad for them.

Sledding is the worst.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Is Tim Tebow a Religious Poser?

The question at the top of this post is controversial. It's edgy. It goes against what everyone else thinks. Now, if I was on ESPN, I would make this argument and then proceed to shit out of my mouth for fifteen minutes and proclaim myself a genius. Instead, I want to focus on something that really bothered me about this past week. It was the talk of John 3:16.

Tim Tebow’s favorite bible verse is John 3:16. This is important because he threw for 316 yards and averaged 31.6 yards per completion. Now I’m sure many morons looked at that and decided, “Wow, God really does care about football.” I looked at it, and thought, “Wow, maybe Tim Tebow isn’t that religious after all.”

As I have stated before, I actually like Tim Tebow. I'm not disputing that he's a good person, just that he may not be into religion. It’s really pretty simple. John 3:16 is the most famous bible verse there is, and it is also Tim Tebow’s favorite. People who are really into things usually don’t put love the mainstream aspects of it the most. They like the lesser known things, because otherwise going deeper into a subject is kind of pointless if you just love the part that everybody already knows about.

Here’s an example. Imagine a hardcore Metallica fan. I’m sure most of you know one of these as Metallica is one of the biggest bands of all time. If you asked any hardcore Metallica fan what their favorite song was, not a single one of them would answer “Enter Sandman.” Sure, “Enter Sandman” is a good song, but just because it was the most commercially viable does not mean that it was actually the best song that they wrote. Instead, you’ll hear songs like Sanitarium, Master of Puppets, or One. I’m a Metallica fan, but certainly not hardcore, and I would rate all of those songs ahead of Enter Sandman.

So when Tebow says that his favorite bible verse is John 3:16, it doesn’t mean he’s religious, it means he really doesn’t have a favorite verse at all.

-Joe

P.S. This will be my last p.s. because I'm kind of tired of them, and I'll either use them for tweeting purposes (@HottJoe) or have some shorter blog posts. Still, one last one from @si_vault, here is a picture of Chuck Person laying in lollipops:

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Exercise Sucks

I am ready to shatter a myth. This myth is that working out should be enjoyable. It shouldn't. It should be painful. It should make you miserable. You should not be excited for it...ever. Working out is the worst. I dread it every morning when I wake up and realize that I have to go to the gym or go for a run.

Now, I will admit that goals would probably help, but I'm not a big fan of goals. That takes a lot of time thinking about a ceiling of my abilities, and not only do I hate thinking, I also refuse to believe there is a limit to my potential. But mostly, it's that thinking sucks. Because of this, I have nothing I am hoping to achieve, nothing that is a driving force behind all of this.

I lift weights. At first the little ones were real heavy, but then they became light. So I started lifting the bigger weights, and then they got light too. It's an endless process. I lift really heavy weights, and they're really heavy, and that is not very much fun. When I wake up in the morning, I realize that what I am about to do to my body is not going to be fun, but I still do it. It sucks.

I also run. I never time myself, and I never set a distance when I go on runs. I have no idea how long my runs take me, but I can estimate my distance pretty well, because I have done enough running where I have a good idea of how far I go. I also dread running far more than I dread lifting. Running sucks, and in the winter, it's really cold, so I am putting my body in pain while surrounded by uncomfortable conditions. Another thing about running is that it is the most frustrating exercise ever. I run until I am pretty damn worn out, and then when I'm all worn out, I have to figure out a way to get back home. But then when I get home, I feel great for about thirty seconds, but then I feel my body recover, and it's horribly depressing because I realize that I probably could have pushed myself further. It really sucks.

People who think that working out should be fun do not deserve to be in shape. Getting in shape is not fun; being in shape is fun. It’s fun to do things for long periods of time and not get tired (nudge nudge to the ladies), or see something large and have the ability to lift it up, and most importantly, being able to pop your shirt off and inspire sexual gasps as opposed to disgusted gags. Also, you’ll live longer.

But don’t go into this thinking that it should be an enjoyable experience. There are people who enjoy lifting, enjoy running, and enjoy training, but they are the minority. I, like most dedicated people, hate working out. I guess you could say that the only thing I hate more than working out is not working out. Ending a day and realizing I could have done more does not sit well with me, and that is why when the alarm hits 5:15, I don’t roll over and hit snooze. I pop up and get ready for my day. I know it’s gonna suck, but the best part of working out is finishing a work out.

Oh yeah, and the bitches too.

-Joe

P.S. This is quite old, but I just discovered it, and I thought it was awesome. It's a mock article about Keith Law scouting little leaguers.

P.P.S. This article was originally titled Working Out Sucks, but then I saw that there was a book with the same name published last week. Thank God for the word exercise.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

The Best of 2011

I have always seen myself as a humble person, but even with my humility, it's plain to see that I am an expert on just about everything in this world. That is why I am the quintessential person to offer the best of 2011. I will cover sports, music, television, and pop culture, so sit back, grab a Natty Light, and enjoy.

Best Album - Steel Panther - Balls Out
This album destroyed every other album from 2011. Song titles from this album include "Just Like Tiger Woods", "Weenie Ride", and "It Won't Suck Itself". Honestly, "It Won't Suck Itself" might be the cleanest song on the album. My favorite songs are probably Critter, That's What Girls Are For, and Tomorrow Night. Get this album immediately, and learn how to go "Balls Out."


Half Hour Show - Workaholics
With all due respect to Parks and Recreation, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and Archer, Workaholics was the funniest show in 2011. Not only is this show hilarious, but they also give shout outs to pro wrestling all the time. I thought the bodybuilding episode would always be the best, but watch Hedonism II, and try to not cry from laughter. So, tighten that butthole, and make sure to watch this show. AYO Maggots!

One Hour Show - Franklin and Bash
Um, yeah, this show is awesome. They are two hotshot lawyers who play by their own rules, which is alsoa a lot like the show Suits (which I also enjoy), but they also constantly throw the greatest hot tub parties in the history of hot tubs. A Hot Tub Time Machine would be the most boring story ever at a Franklin and Bash party. I'm already giddy for season two.

Best Football Writer - Ben Muth
This is just a random category that I needed to put in here to give credit where credit is due. Although it was tough for me to go against Iowa alum, Matt Bowen, of National Football Post, Ben Muth of Football Outsiders was the best football writer this year. Why? Because he is in his second year of doing nothing but breaking down the play of the offensive line. I'm sure I'm the only person who is ecstatic about this, but give his weekly article a chance. I think you'll be impressed, and you'll definitely learn a thing or two.

Best Book I Read - Cardboard Gods
So I usually don't read books right when they come out, because, um, they're books, so who gives a shit? But this was the best book I read this year. I actually heard a lot of recommendations, but kept putting it off because a book about baseball cards sounded kind of stupid. But honestly, that opinion was stupid of me, because this book was really fantastic. I usually like to read things in short spurts while mixing it in with other things, but this book was just a fascinating read that I couldn't put down. It's not just a book for sports fans either, as it's a great read for anybody.

Best Wrestler - Zack Ryder
This was the toughest decision that I had to make. Dolph Ziggler has absolutely dominated the last few months of 2011, and even became the best part of Z! True Long Island Story for a few weeks in a row. But, Zack Ryder and his YouTube show were really the reason that I found myself invested in professional wrestling again. Ryder gets extra credit for his buddy, The Big O, giving us the best meathead quote of the year, "More Weights Equals More Dates." Congratulations go to everyone's favorite Broski, but 2012 belongs to Ziggler. #HEEL

Best West Coast Dance Move - Fake Ejaculation
With all due respect to the territorial housecat, the elephant, and the curious gopher, Fake Ejaculation was the winning move from 2011. It goes gangbusters no matter what crowd is in your presence. A lot of people like to stimulate sexual actions, with such classic moves as the jerk-off and the hump, but adding that extra level, with simulated ejaculation brings every move to a whole new level. Seriously, the next time you are out at a club, picking up bridesmaids at a wedding, or have found yourself as a chaperone at a high school dance, throw out a Fake Ejaculation, and you're guaranteed to be the life of the party.

-Joe

P.S. I heard this on the Art of Wrestling podcast, and if I had a category of Best Pro Wrestling Theme Music I Just Found This Year, it would be this song for Cactus Jack, as I cannot stop listening to this song.