The 47 Best Players from the 1998 Chicago Cubs - #35 Don Wengert

35. Don Wengert
As a fellow, Iowan, I want to show love for Don Wengert. Unfortunately, we have some major issues. He went to an inferior school in Iowa State University, and during his final year there, he managed to add 10 MPH to his fastball. Did he introduce Sammy Sosa to steroids? It's impossible to say, but the answer is yes.

Wengert did not start 1998 with the Chicago Cubs as he was toiling away with the San Diego Padres. But about a month and a half into that season, the Cubs traded Ben Van Ryn to the San Diego Padres in order to get Wengert on the team. Was this a wise move by the Cubs? Well, his ERA 5.93 at the time, so it didn't seem like a great decision. And it wasn't based on past performance as his ERA was over 6.00 in 1997 with the Athletics. Still, the Cubs traded for him, and at that time, it was IJHWT, In Jim Hendry We Trust.

Wengert became the Cubs "Break in case of emergency" pitcher. As you can probably tell from all of the pitchers that I have already covered, there were a whole lot of emergencies that year. Unfortunately, he didn't actually solve the emergenciesHe was so bad at first that the Cubs couldn't even handle it. After three appearances where he gave up at least one run each time out, the Cubs sent him to Iowa to figure things out. He came back up two months later, and Don Wengert raised his level to be exactly who you would have though he could be, getting to a 4.91 ERA when the Cubs made a curious decision.

The Cubs were so desperate for starting pitching that they decided to put Wengert in the rotation. Although he wasn't outrageously bad, the Cubs were 1-5 in games that he started, with his only win being a game against the Diamondbacks, where Cubs' rogue agent, Amaury Telemaco purposely pitched poorly to help out his former team.

After that, he went back to the bullpen where his ERA rose slightly to 5.07 to end the year, although due to those starts, he did pitch an astonishingly high 49.2 innings in 1998.. After that, he had short stints with the Royals, Braves, and Pirates before hanging it up after a 2002 season where he spent the entirety plugging away at Triple-A. He immediately transitioned to being a sales rep for Pfizer, a pharmaceutical company. What a coincidence.

In case you missed it:
Introduction
#47 - Matt Karchner
#46 - Jose Nieves
#45 - Rodney Myers
#44 - Justin Speier
#43 - Tony Fossas
#42 - Kennie Steenstra
#41 - Chris Haney
#40 - Bob Patterson
#39 - Pedro Valdes
#38 - Derrick White
#37 - Ben Van Ryn
#36 - Terrell Lowery

It's Time To Charm MusclePharm

I know what you're thinking. You thought that this Adonis-like body was all natural. Unfortunately, at age 31, I need a little help to keep up my image as the personification of perfection. Since I'm too cheap to pay for the good stuff (steroids), I turn to my good friends at MusclePharm. They make a wide variety of products, but I keep it simple with a daily vitamin, pre-workout, protein powder, and protein bar. Luckily for me, MusclePharm makes great products in each of these categories.

Daily Vitamin: Armor-V
Daily life is hard, as there are always people trying to take you off your game, whether it be giving you extra assignments at work or shooting you, Armor has everything you need to survive the day. It gives me both inner and outer strength, and I feel much better when I have had my daily vitamin.

Pre-Workout: Assault
This is where we get into the awesome names that make you feel manly and give you an uber-workout-boner. Assault is what I do to any weight that dares stand before me thanks to the energy boost I get from this product. The other great thing about it is the price continues to drop on Bodybuilding.com, so it's a super cheap pre-workout supplement. That is very important to me, as I'm not exactly setting the world on fire with my cash flow, so being reasonably priced is real nice for a fella like me. Oh, and like all pre-workouts, make sure you build in some time after taking it to take a dump before working out.

Protein Powder: Combat
Combat Protein Powder is a tasty treat in both chocolate and vanilla (I'm a very plain flavor sort of guy when it comes to my proteins). I'm a believer that protein powders are basically all the same, so if you like the taste and it comes cheap, you should go for it. The only one I wouldn't recommend is some brand that has a Jay Cutler sponsorship. It was the bodybuilder, not the quarterback, but I feel like the stink of the quarterback got involved in the flavor making process, so it'll leave you pouting on the sidelines.

Protein Bar: Combat Crunch
I know I said I was a big fan of MusclePharm products, but this one is off the chain by any standards. If you want a premium protein bar, it does not get any better than this. I scoff at people who are eating Quest bars like they are any good. Combat Crunch Bars (Peanut Butter flavor) are better than crack. I've never had crack, but I feel pretty safe in saying these are better. It's basically like eating a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup that is topped with a nestle crunch bar. These are the one MusclePharm product that is a little costly, but it is well worth the price, as they are that damn good.

The only downside with MusclePharm is that they aren't sponsoring me. I mean, I'm not a professional athlete, but I lift, train in MMA, and go for runs and would gladly be a walking/rolling/running billboard for their company for the low cost of some free products and some swag to stroll around in. So MusclePharm representative, add me to your stable of sponsorships by reaching out on Twitter or by email. Together, we can have a beautiful relationship. 

I Miss The Steroid Era - Everything Great About 1998

There is a lot of vitriol aimed towards the late 90s and early 00s baseball years. It is referred to as the Steroid Era, and sports writers (the most honest and honorable people in the world, if you didn't know) just can't believe that players would use drugs that enhance their performance. There was no testing for things like that, so it wasn't really against the rules, but they like, shouldn't have done it, because it's bad. Anyway, I could go into an hour long diatribe about steroids, but instead, I just want to state that I love the Steroid Era. That baseball was awesome. No year better exemplifies the awesomeness of the era than 1998. I will always remember that year fondly, but it truly is amazing all of the awesome things that happened in 98.

The Sosa-McGwire home run chase was undoubtedly the most exciting thing that has happened in baseball during my lifetime. Everybody loved baseball at the time due to those two players. Sure there was steroid use, but the baseballs in play likely had way more to do with the home runs than any PEDs. The whole nation was following two guys playing in the Midwest, because it was that totally awesome.And it's not like we didn't know about steroids. I remember making fun of Cardinals fans for McGwire using androstenedione. It was right there in his locker, but nobody gave a shit and life was grand. 

But that's not all that was great about 1998. There were all of these awesome things as well.

It wasn't just McGwire and Sosa. Ken Griffey Jr. hit 56 home runs. 1998 takes us to a time before Griffey was hurt every year, and that is a wonderful thing to remember. 

Kerry Wood struck out 20 dudes in a game and nearly had a no-hitter. This was the greatest pitching performance ever. Nobody will ever touch it in my mind. Wood made baseballs do things that physics should not allow. And he did all of this while not even being old enough to drink. God, I hate injuries so much, but in 1998, I barely even knew they existed.

Rod Beck was the Cubs Closer. This was not only fun for Cubs fans; it was fun for all fans. Rod Beck made sure to make every game close no matter what the lead. The Cubs could be up by 3 runs, and Beck would give up two runs, have the bases loaded with no out, and then get a strike out and a double play and act like it was his plan the whole time. Rod Beck was stupid fun.

Greg, not Mo, but Greg Vaughn hit 50 home runs. He only had 18 the year before. Good for him at becoming 2.5 times better at offense at age 32.

Oh, speaking of a surprising late career power spike, there is no way I can make it through this without mentioning Toronto Blue Jays legend, Jose Canseco, who hit 46 bombs about ten years past his prime. Anytime you bring up a baseball season and have a reason to bring up Jose Canseco, you know it's a good year.

Albert Belle hit 49 home runs, which I actually feel is totally legitimate. What is more impressive is that he played in 163 games. He isn't Mr. 24/7, he's Mr. 25/8. 

Glenallen Hill. Just that he existed is amazing. I love Glenallen Hill WAY too much.

Rickey Henderson was still leading the league in stolen bases, with 66. If Rickey were somehow still playing in his 50s today, he'd probably finish in the top 10 in stolen bases and have an above average on base percentage. Never underestimate Rickey.

Derek Jeter edged Tony Womack for most singles, 151 to 149. I loved Tony Womack. Scrappy, fast dudes were my jam in the late 90s. OBP didn't mean shit, and it was awesome.

Larry Walker led the league in batting average. You know who came in 2nd? John Olerud, and if you don't smile thinking of John Olerud wearing a batting helmet in the field, something is wrong with you. John Olerud was totally tubular.

Barry Bonds was in what should have been his prime, finished fourth in WAR but not in the top-10 in home runs. Let me just say that Barry Bonds was amazing, even before anyone ever questioned whether he was all natural. Do you need proof? I think I might be able to provide that.

Mark McGwire hit 33 more home runs than Barry Bonds, but Bonds still drew more intentional walks that year, because Barry Bonds is a goddamned national treasure.

It was Pedro Martinez's first year in Boston, and he put up the 7th best ERA in baseball, just behind Omar Daal. You could say that Omar Daal was dealing that year, but really, he was more Daaling than anything else.

Ben Grieve was the AL Rookie of the Year. I was a HUGE Ben Grieve believer (A BeGriever?). That obviously didn't turn out to great, but I had no doubt he'd hit 500 homers in his career after 1998. 

El Duque made his debut, which helped me learn that all Cubans are great at baseball, a lesson that actual baseball teams just learned, like, in the last 18 months.

Mike Caruso came 3rd in AL Rookie of the Year voting. I do not remember this guy AT ALL. He played another full year in 99, and then only got 21 more plate appearances in 2002. I bet Mike Caruso fucking loves talking about 1998.

Honestly, that 1998 Cubs team was my favorite team of all time. I should write about it every year, because it made me feel feelings. Reliving that year brings me incredible joy and also takes me back to when I had tears in my eyes after the evil, big money, Atlanta Braves, swept the lovable, scrappy, Chicago Cubs in three games. Everybody remembers the big names, but I would like to point out that Brant Brown slugged over .500 that year, and Gary Gaetti had a line of .320/.397/.594. Yep, Gary Gaetti hit over .300 and slugged nearly .600 at age 39 after being traded to the Cubs at the deadline. God, 1998 was awesome.

Still, some people try to shit on that year, because "Durrr, steroids," but those people are idiots. I will always love that 1998 season, and my larger point is that you shouldn't worry when people shit on something you love. It's not something to be embarrassed about, because you shouldn't let people take away great times and fond memories. On a related note, my first concert (which was probably a couple years earlier than 1998) was Weird Al Yankovic. I used to be embarrassed by this, but fuck that. Weird Al is awesome, and he put on a hell of a show that I guarantee I would still enjoy today. 

So love what you love, don't worry about what others think, because nostalgia is the one thing that never gets old.

We Need to Talk About This Picture of Hulk Hogan

WWE.com recently posted rarely seen photos of Hulk Hogan, and it is a treasure trove of wonderful for any Hulkamaniac. Despite there being 187 photos, one photo clearly stood out above the rest. I would not only posit that it is the greatest photo of Hulk Hogan, but likely the greatest photo in history. Behold:

That shirt. That SHIRT. That shirt is amazing. I mean, it takes a man to wear a shirt like that. I thought it was a photoshop at first, but this photo is apparently real, and that makes me incredibly happy. I don't even know how to talk about that shirt, so let's just rank the best things about that shirt.

5. It's pink.
4. It has hearts all over it.
3. It has a DEEP-V.
2. There are tears through the shoulders and arms of the shirt.
1. Hulk Hogan looked at it and decided that, "Yep, this is a nice shirt for a fancy dinner."

Second, we need to take a look at his dinner guests. Who are they? There is no way to know, but I have a pretty good guess. Logically, there is no way Hogan is busting out that shirt for just anybody, so they must be pretty big stars. Still, Hulk wants to take the attention off of them, or perhaps he NEEDS to take the attention off of them for their own sake. It's pretty obvious what I am saying by now. That is Elvis Presley and Marilyn Monroe, both aged but living peacefully. Hulk is there enjoying their reminiscing while eating salads.

And speaking of what is for dinner, HOLY SHIT. Look at all those supplements. I counted 10 different bottles and cannisters of supplements. Good lord. Of course this is the man that once advertised The Hulkster's Powerful Python Pack...

Hulk Hogan Makes Protein Shakes (TNT Show 06... by JinMedia
...which are strong enough to help Awful Alfred and change the color of Vince McMahon's suit. So really ThERe is nO way to tell what Is to Decipher what is in those Supplements, but I am guessing that it is a super safe and super normal thing to have with salad and bread.

And although I love everything about this photo, it all comes back to one thing.

That shirt, man.

What Would It Take For You To Eat Poop?

This seems like a simple question. But this morning, I got to thinking about what it would take for me to eat poop.

Everyone's initial reaction is that I would do it for a million dollars, or whatever amount of money you want to throw out in order for you to take a taste of poo. But it would take a crazy person to offer money to watch somebody eat shit. And let's face it, this crazy person could find somebody to do it cheaper than you or I would. That means that you have to go to the trouble of finding something that separates you like wearing a diaper and a bonnet while eating poop. By the point you come up with your gimmick, you probably would be better just getting a normal job.

But then I got to thinking. I have my pre-workout supplements and my post-workout protein. Anytime I try a new product, I hate the taste of whatever I am trying. But, after a while, it grows on me, and by the time I am finished, I look forward to the taste and buy another container. The only thing that gets me to change is the price going up (so please don't raise your prices MusclePharm as I enjoy your wonderful products and would gladly have you sponsor this blog).

So, instead of money, let's say it had health benefits. I'm a healthy dude. I run, lift, and shoot hoops (poorly) every week. I'm also a competitive person. I trained MMA for six months despite never being in a fight in my life, just so I could walk around knowing that I would win most hypothetical fights (I'd still probably lose). Although I have never tried steroids, because they are illegal and expensive, I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought about trying steroids. There are steroids out there that will help you build muscle mass without lifting a weight. That is something I could get on board with, if it were legal and cheap.

So, that brings us full circle to poop. Fresh poop has a really offensive smell, and I am guessing that leads to an offensive taste. But if you let it dry out, it is not nearly as offensive as smell, and theoretically, not nearly as bad of a taste either. If I could take a bite of poop and have the same effects of a perfectly safe steroid, I would at least consider it. I'm sure I could get used to the flavor after a while.

So if eating poop turned me into a ripped machine, I'd definitely consider it. I can't imagine how many chicks that I would be able to get if I was bigger and badder than ever. I could pretty much have any woman I wanted, with the one caveat that I'd have to find girls who don't mind a guy's breath smelling like shit...maybe I should rethink this plan.

We Need To Talk About These Jose Canseco Old Milwaukee Commercials

The world is abuzz over the latest, greatest, innovative ads from Old Milwaukee. First, they got Will Ferrell to do some ads in various smallish cities for Old Milwaukee, but now they've brought out the big gun. That's right, they got the man with his guns hangin' and bangin', Jose Canseco. As far as I know, it aired only in Kansas City, and it is pretty awesome. Let's tackle these commercials one by one (Actually, two by one. Also, turn your volume way up as the sound is a little weak on these videos).


Commercial 1
This one is so simple, yet so beautiful. Just one of the most powerful swings in the history of baseball straight up crushing a beer can in slow motion. Then, Old Milwaukee lets you know that they were behind the genius of this commercial.

Commercial 2
Jose gets to show off his acting chops by talking about how a few bad apples can't drag down the game of baseball. Just like a few days of puking following a night of drinking Old Milwaukee shouldn't stop you from drinking it in the future. Baseball's back, Jose Canseco's back, and since a lot of us went through an Old Milwaukee phase, maybe it's time for us to get back to our roots and start drinking our old friend.


Commercial 3
This is the commercial that shines the brightest. It is specifically designed for the Kansas City market, but I feel it can be enjoyed by anyone. Kansas City isn't in a slump; it's just that the rest of the world started cheating. "Sometimes last place, is first place," is really a fantastic quote.

As easy as it is to make fun of Jose Canseco, these commercials are all very well done. Old Milwaukee found what would work for him and did a great job with it. I'm still a Natty man, but Old Mil has just moved up to my number two.

Jose Canseco Is Brilliant

Usually, I like to have a theme when I break down Jose Canseco tweets, but sometimes, I just feel that I need to break things down, even if there is no centralized plot line here. He has provided a potpourri of interesting items, and I would be remiss if I did not help share his thoughts with the world. Let's begin:

cancun is one of the best places i have been it should be named the capital of the caribean
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) March 4, 2012

I am above mocking Jose for his lack of capitalization, punctuation, and spelling, so let's just ignore all of those and focus on the message. This is where we run into problems. The first problem is that the Caribbean is basically just a generic name for islands in a certain part of the world. The second, and most important problem, is that Cancun is in Mexico, which is not even a part of the Caribbean. Not your best effort, Jose, but you'll get 'em next time.

Someone big wants me out of Mexico .question is who and y
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) March 8, 2012

Who? That's easy...

K-Dogg is the most powerful man in Mexico, so if something's going down, he's got to be involved. But why is he doing this? Well, that's pretty goddamned obvious. Because he can. Arriba la raza!

I have a medical condition I wish I didn't have to use testosterone but I have no choice
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) March 8, 2012

Although most people assume this medical condition was caused by excessive steroid use, those people are wrong. Sure, those people have "doctor's evidence" on their side, but a Ph.D. doesn't make you a genius. So what really caused his testosterone problem, you ask? Lack of hugs. So please, ladies and gentleman, give this man a hug.

Also, as a bonus, Jose Canseco has since deleted these, but my phone saved them to give me a chance to share these amazing tweets with the world:

What's long, veiny and muscular and wraps around your body
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) March 11, 2012

That is really what he wrote. There is clearly only one place that this joke is going, and it's clearly going to be Jose claiming he has a large penis. He hasn't done this in a while, but it is probably time for him to assert this so he can impress his Twitter followers. I guess I'll still read ahead to make sure I'm righ...wait, what? No fucking way. In a shocking upset, the punchline is...

My arms hugging you saying thanks for supporting me
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) March 11, 2012

Wow. Just...wow. At this point, it is becoming a very real possibility that Jose Canseco is some sort of comedy genius. Nobody could not think penis with the opening of this riddle, and to come back with "My arms hugging you saying thanks for supporting me," deserves to be recognized. These are not tweets that should be deleted. These tweets should be taught to all young writers, because it is pure genius. God bless you, Jose Canseco. You inspire us all.

Moneyball 2 Is Going To Be Awesome

As I am sure a lot of you know, Moneyball got six Oscar nominations, including Best Picture, Best Actor (Brad Pitt), and Best Supporting Actor (Jonah Hill). Was it worthy of these nominations? That’s debatable, but certainly not in my mind as somehow the Academy overlooked the contributions of everyone involved in Fast Five.

Moneyball was a solid movie, but it is going to pale in comparison to Moneyball 2. Michael Lewis has not written that book, but the story started to unfold a couple days ago with one innocent tweet.

JoseCanseco Jose Canseco 

 

Billy is probably as good looking as brad pitt
Oh, yes, this is starting off better than I could have hoped. Way to butter him up, Jose. Now, let's follow it up with something casual.

JoseCanseco Jose Canseco 

 

I am going to play this year
Excellent. Let the world know of your intentions. Now it's time to go for the kill.

JoseCanseco Jose Canseco 

 

Billy beane call me would love to dh for you just give me a tryout that's all I ask
YES! Billy Beane and I both know that aging slugger/former steroid user/reality TV star is the newest market inefficiency in baseball. Some scouts overrate players who look good in jeans. Have you seen Jose Canseco move lately? He can probably barely put on jeans. Does that matter? Hell no! We're talking about the man who led the Yuma Scorpions in Home Runs last year...with 8. Get this man signed immediately.

JoseCanseco Jose Canseco 

 

Baseball hates bill James but the Boston red sox hired him .that's from the movie money ball .baseball hates me maybe they can hire me
This may be the most underrated tweet in the history of Twitter. Its simplicity is what makes it so beautiful. Jose Canseco is nearly 50 years old, but looking at this tweet, you would guess the age of the Tweeter to be somewhere between 5-7. It sounds like he is doing show-and-tell for his Kindergarten class, and he is explaining how this one guy overcame odds, so I will also overcome odds, and it will be great. It’s also sad, because everyone just wants to push this kid out of the way, because the kid coming up next brought in his pet turtle.

JoseCanseco Jose Canseco 

Fenway 350 lifetime batting average 1 hr per every 9 at bats .I am ready to play for Boston give me a tryout
Then Jose got to thinking. If Boston hired Bill James, maybe they will hire Jose Canseco. What is Moneyball about? Stats, so Jose Canseco shows off his inner-sabermatrician, and drops home runs per at bat in a specific ballpark. Is Jose hinting that the new market inefficiency might be nerds? Look how well Ivy League graduate Sam Fuld did last year…for the first two months of the season. Another benefit is that Jose showed off his Scott Boras side to create a BIDDING WAR. How high will they go?

JoseCanseco Jose Canseco 

I guess murderers and child molestors get more chances than I do
Don’t worry, Jose. Your time will come. You are a better man than James Early Ray and Jerry Sandusky combined…wait a minute, that combination would just create a racist, molesting murderer, so yes, you are totally better than that combination. Please, Oakland or Boston, make this happen. If the World Series Ring isn’t sweet enough, how does hundreds of millions of dollars in movie revenue sound? Plus, I’ve already got a great tagline.

“He’s not a murderer, he’s not a rapist, he’s Jose Canseco, and he’s finally getting a second chance…Moneyball 2.”

My only question is: Great idea or greatest idea ever?

I’m going with the latter.

Bronies Are Jabronies

When reader Jacob asked me to write about Bronies, I was confused. At first, I thought he was shortening the word jabronies and he wanted me to write about the worst wrestlers in professional wrestling history. That's an awesome idea for an article, and I still might do it. My next thought was that maybe he was just missing the "w" in brownies, and he feels like it's the best dessert of all time (he'd be wrong, it's cupcakes). But then he told me to Google it, and it was much more disturbing than either of those ideas.

Bronies are adult males who love My Little Pony. Yes, I am talking about this My Little Pony:

So I thought I could write about the men who love My Little Pony, but they really aren't that interesting. They're just a bunch of adults who watch My Little Pony. It's a lot like my group of friends, except we chose the show It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and because of that, we are not incredibly depressing losers.

But there must be something behind this show. So I decided to watch an episode on YouTube. I have to say I'm not very familiar with the show. I think my sister may have had some of the toys, but my childhood memories of watching cartoons primarily center around G.I. Joe, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Hulk Hogan's Rock n' Wrestling. At first I was going to watch Episode 1, so I wouldn't be confused on anything, but it was a two-parter, and I really didn't want to be left with a cliffhanger, so I decided to take my chances and go with Episode 13, "Fall Weather Friends".

:58 - I'm less than a minute in, and I am thanking this YouTube poster for providing a description, because these two characters who are playing a game of Horseshoes have called each other approximately 600 different names while talking shit back and forth. Luckily, I know that the blue Pegasus is Rainbow Dash and the pony with the cowboy hat is Applejack.

1:19 - Applejack wins the game of horseshoes (obviously). Rainbow Dash is pissed, so she does the obvious thing: She challenges Applejack to an iron pony contest.

6:06 - They have been competing in a bunch of stupid events and each keep taking their turn winning. They show eight events, and then announce that they are halfway through and the score is 5-5. I have no idea what the other two events were, but I'm guessing they were not safe to be shown to children.

8:05 - Rainbow Dash proceeds to win the next ten events, because she has wings. I found this outrageous, and so did Applejack, so she calls her out on it. RD's use of wings really parallels Barry Bonds' use of steroids in baseball. Some would argue that there were no rules against it, while others see it as blatant cheating and think that RD and Bonds disgraced their games.

9:31 - They are now running a marathon to see who the best pony is, with one stipulation: There will be no use of wings allowed.

11:14 - There is now a purple horse involved called Twilight. RD and AJ are laughing at her, because she's a nerd and can't win the race. She says she's never run a race but has read books about it. If this bitch, Twilight, wins the race, I'm going to be pissed.

14:35 - I'm pretty sure Joe Buck learned how to announce from this show. These announcers are the worst, especially Pinkie Pie. The show is in on the joke, which I'm sure nerds love, but it doesn't make it less annoying.

20:20 - RD and AJ battle it out and tumble to the finish line. They tie...for last place. Twilight took fifth, so at least I don't have to be pissed.

21:30 - Some Super Princess Pony teaches them a valuable lesson about behaving properly. AJ and RD decide to become great friends, and all is well in Equestria.

So, what did I learn from watching MLP? Not much. The show is tolerable, but not good. I have no interest in becoming a bronie. There's really no room for that in my life. But I am proud to be a Broski. Woo woo woo, you know it.

-Joe

P.S. What's the fastest growing domestic beer? That's right, Natty Light, bitches. Suck on that.

Jose Canseco's Phone Number

So last night my brain nearly exploded, as Jose Canseco dropped this tweet on the world:

JoseCanseco If you guys want to talk to me on the phone call me at 310 862 6309. We can talk about anything,find out what's really going on in basball

Just so everyone knew it was real, he had a quick follow up:

JoseCanseco Call me you haters 310 862 6309 if you have the balls

Jose, are you questioning my testicular fortitude? You bet your ass I called that number immediately.

I know what everyone's thinking. If Joe and Jose talked, they are probably now best friends forever. When they hit the clubs, everyone will simply know them as "The New Bash Brothers." I completely agree that this is what should have happened.

Instead I got connected to something called My Fan Line. I have to give them a credit card number, and they charge it for each minute I talk to the celebrity. Now I have only browsed the website for about two minutes, but I cannot find the actual charges for any of this anywhere on the site. Also, I went to their Get Started page, and the only celebrities they had pictures of was Canseco and this guy:
I don't know who this is, so I'm gonna guess it is Shaggy. I don't remember what Shaggy looked like, but he seems like a guy who would smile on the beach as he played what appears to be a ukulele.

Part of the money goes to charity, which in Jose's case will probably be a very small amount. Jose decided to pick the most ridiculous charity possible as he selected B.A.T., and organization that helps out minor league baseball players. Just what we need, give money to potential millionaires. That seems like a worthy cause.

Despite this costing an unidentifiable amount, I'm not totally ruling out calling Canseco. Is this an extremely stupid waste of money for someone who is unemployed? Of course it is, but I have never lived my life by doing the "intelligent" thing. But I have decided that if I'm going to do it, I need to do it right. I need to come up with the most brilliant topics of conversation possible. So far, the best idea I have come up with is asking him to spell words. I'd basically like to give him a spelling test and publish the results. But there's so much potential with him, like:
Did Terry Steinbach juice?
Did it hurt when you assisted a home run with your head?
What's Hong Man Choi like in real life?
Who would win in a fight, you or the Ultimate Warrior?
Can we take steroids together sometime? And really, that would be about the coolest thing ever. Having a beer with the president would be neat, but having Jose Canseco put a needle in your ass, now that would be EPIC.

The list goes on and on, but I need the best and brightest (and by that I mean most hilarious) questions. I also need to do some research to see how much this is going to set me back. If you would like to donate to the cause or have a hilarious question, feel free to leave a comment on here, Facebook, Twitter, or e-mail. I'm accessible, as I have yet to set up my own Fan Line.

-Joe

P.S. I have to be a little weary of getting involved with My Fan Line after reading this.
OldHossRadbourn Hoss just tried calling J. Canseco and now I am stuck with a subscription to "Cross Stitch & Country Crafts" Magazine. I am not amused.

P.P.S. This totally seems like something I can convince one of my drunk buddies to put their credit card down on for our entertainment. Asay, I'm looking at you buddy.