Monday, June 2, 2014

The Most Fun All-Time Iowa Hawkeye Basketball Team

Last week, @BallIsLife presented something beautiful in that they asked people to create their All-Time Basketball team using only $15 (My team of Magic, Jordan, Pippen, Duncan, and Hakeem would not lose). It was a really fun exercise, and it has been repeated for just about every team. The one that got my attention came from Black Heart Gold Pants where they asked people to make their All-Time Hawkeye starting 5. There was a lot of really great debate on it, but then people started bringing up the omitted players that didn't make the list, and most of those players, although beloved, weren't all that good. Still, I loved some of those players, so I decided to create the most fun Iowa Hawkeye basketball team in my history. I will admit that my history really only goes back to the mid-90s from players I remember well enough to include on this list. Honestly, this team isn't great. In fact, if they could put all of these guys in their prime, they'd only be a borderline NCAA team, but man, they would be incredibly fun to watch...on offense. On defense, they would be pretty brutal. But let's get to the picks.

PG - Tony Freeman - This may surprise people, because Iowa has had a lot of decent point guards during my basketball viewing lifetime, but Freeman is the perfect straw to stir the drink. Not only was his shot horrifying, but he was always looking to make a highlight play. Layups were for the weak when you could bounce it off the backboard for the guy trailing behind. Sometimes this led to heads in hands for an entire Hawkeye crowd, but when it worked, hoo boy, it was a thing to behold. Also, in football, we all fondly remember Marvin McNutt's "7 got 6" catch against Michigan State, but let us not forget T-Free's "11 got 3" against sixth-ranked Michigan State.

It's pretty amazing that the final score of 43-36 is only the second funniest thing about this video. The best is that Lickliter who has one athletic guard on his team spends his time talking to implore Tony Freeman to stop driving to the hoop and just shoot jump shots.

SG - Chris Kingsbury - No words are necessary when this video exists:

If that doesn't take you from 6 to 12, then you need to go see a doctor for your ED. Also, the best part of the video are when the announcers recount a converstion with Kingsbury where he said that he loves three pointers. Kingsbury said, "It's better than a dunk, because it counts for one more point." Words to live by.

SF - Ricky Davis - Total homer pick. Ricky Davis and I share a hometown. Vegas 4 Life, baby. He only lasted a year, but I'm not sure if there was ever a more gifted basketball player in Iowa history. It's a shame he was only in college for one year, because both Iowa and Davis would have benefited from him sticking around. Plus, you know that he would make plans with Tony Freeman on weird shit they could try to pull during the game.

PF - Doug Thomas - I've waxed poetically about this guy before and nothing has changed. Minute for minute, there was not a more entertaining Hawkeye in my lifetime. This video should do enough to convince you of his merit.


Still not convinced? Well, according to this video, Thunder Doug is also the HIGHEST JUMPER IN THE WORLD.

Yeah, Thunder Doug is the best.

C - Kurt Looby - This is definitely the toughest position to pick for the Hawkeyes, so I am going to just take the best athlete with the longest limbs who had no idea where those limbs were actually going. Also, if you are a fan of dunks, putbacks, and blocks, then I have 7 minutes in Heaven with Kurt Looby right here.



No great team can only have a starting lineup, so here are five other guys that I would want coming off the bench for me.

Jack Brownlee - A forgotten Hawkeye by many, but he was a rich man's lovable version of John Lickliter. He never earned meaningful minutes, but he was the little engine that could, and used his Senior Night speech to try to get JR Angle a girlfriend.

Joey Range - My memory of Joey Range far outshines his actual performance, but he had a very good Freshman year before dropping out of school. Before looking at the stats, I estimated that he put up a 14-5-3 average. In actuality, it was 8-3-0.5, but with 1.5 steals per game as well. And he shot over 50% from the field. It wasn't a Ricky Davis level Freshman year, but it was better than Roy Devyn Mamba, so Joey Range is an all-time "What if" story.

Seth Gorney - Although it never caught on like it should have, parodying 2 Live Crew's "Me So Horny" every time Gorney checked in was probably my favorite Iowa cheer. Oh, Me So Gorney, oh oh, Me So Gorney.

Duez Henderson - Duez once bought my friends and I shots at the bar, so he has to make this list.

Brody Boyd - Outside of his ridiculous hot streaks on the court, I feel like Brody Boyd can best be summed up for his efforts off the court by comparing him to another Hawkeye on this list. Although nobody partied harder than Kingsbury, nobody partied longer than Brody Boyd, as I am sure he is still doing keg stands at house parties in Iowa City to this day.

Finally, this team needs a coach. A coach is not only a great leader on the basketball court. He's also a leader in the salon. That being said, there is really only one candidate.

Coach - Steve Alford 

If you have anybody to add, let me know, as I am sure I may have forgotten about some hilarious Hawkeyes, especially during the dark days of Lickliter. 

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