Thursday, June 19, 2014

Suits Power Rankings - Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner

I don't like to be negative, but last week's performances were pretty weak. I was afraid that these New York Hot Shots had turned into a bunch of Podunk Skunks. But this week quelled my concerns as they were going back and forth like Ali and Frazier. You can check out last week's rankings here, and here are this week's rankings:

1. Logan Sanders - Back in the day, he didn't treat his wife or his mistress very well, but he's learned from his mistakes. He now respects women. Logan Sanders respects women so hard. He respects the shit out of women. He respects women so much that he tells the boyfriends of his former lovers how he used to turn their old lady over and thrust her until completion. Sometimes, he just can't help it, and he explodes with respect all over women's faces. What a great guy.

2. Harvey Specter - Gets owned by Mike and is scared of Jessica. Things were looking pretty bleak for Harvey for a second straight week, but he came back, and he came back so strong. He blew off his lunch with Jeff Malone, and then got inside Mike's head, turned the head of the union, and made Mike look like a bitch. But his confidence got the best of him. Where he could have had this deal done for $20 million and a happy client, he now has to fight. Harvey could have closed this easily had he just gone above Mike's head to Sidwell and told him about the offer who would have accepted it without Mike even having a chance to convince him otherwise. You have to play to win, not play to win the right way.

3. Mike Ross - Subpoenas Harvey while he was eating a bagel like a bitch. Everybody knows hot dogs are for winners. Then he owns Harvey in front of the judge, which must have been super satisfying. But things got bad for him when he gave up what he wanted to do with the company. Still, he recovered, and even though he made Walter Gillis super sad that he won't be able to expand, he's back in the fight, and he will do anything to beat the man that penetrated his girlfriend years ago.

4. Jessica Pearson - She actually scared Harvey, so impressive work there, but Harvey still didn't do what she wanted him to, so she definitely loses some points there. She has refrained from banging one of the partners in the law firm, so congratulations on three days of not putting your company in Jeopardy, Jessica. Still, I can't punish her for future sins, and who could blame her? Jeff Malone is a hunk.

5. Jeff Malone - Got himself a fancy new job at Pearson Specter and managed to work with Louis instead of fighting with him. He did lose his corner office, but he got an office next to his bangpiece, and this is a man who values convenience over prestige. Gotta respect that.

6. Donna Paulsen - Calls out Harvey for being a ball-less coward, so that was some much needed sass from her. Unfortunately, Donna searches the trash to find out gossip around the office, which she considers her edge. Still she needs something to fill the pages of her diary, and the romance between Jessica and Jeff should take up a few chapters.

7. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis worked really hard on his presentation, but it was too late. Jeff Malone is a partner and he's already taking some of Louis's cases. Sometimes the only one he can trust is his pussy diary, which is very different than my own personal pussy journal (which is mostly filled with hypotheticals and blank pages). Louis has interesting culinary tastes for his meals, as he says he eats cock for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. The most important part of that is that he has the same thing three times a day. Variety is the spice of life, Litt. Louis finally does get that variety when he gets a corner office, and the best news is he doesn't need his diary, for this triumph belongs in his Dictaphone for permanent inspiration.

8. Pete - He's the head of the union, so he's got to protect his people. He doesn't care who gives him half a billion dollars, as long as he gets that money. He's a lot like me in that way.

9. Katrina Bennett - She is the number one cheerleader. She also does a nice job of moving furniture.

10. Walter Gillis - He threw a tantrum about having to spend an extra $500 million. That actually seems pretty reasonable to me.

11. Todd - Got tricked into thinking he had a heart attack. Also, he has never been helped off the ground, as anyone who has tried has just slipped off due to his excessive hand lotion.

12. Rachel Zane - Always comes in late for work. Rachel gets mad at Mike for not taking the deal, because now this battle is going to continue. This wouldn't be as big of an issue if she hadn't said this after this has been going on for TWO WHOLE DAYS. Rachel really hasn't done anything as Harvey's associate, and if she doesn't step it up soon to help him destroy Mike, she needs to be replaced. I'm not sure if any of you were paying attention, but there was a paper peaking out on Harvey's desk, and it was two resumes for a new associate. Those prospects' names? Jared Franklin and Peter Bash. Also, this is their entire resume:

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