Thursday, June 26, 2014

Suits Power Rankings - Two in the Knees

This season of Suits is basically a Triple H WrestleMania match. You see each guy hitting his finisher over and over with tons of false finishes, and it is really exciting, but after you see it repeatedly, it can really lose its luster. That is what Harvey has been relying on throughout this show. He keeps saying that he has everything figured out, and it's over, but 1...2...and the shoulder pops up and something else happens. What Harvey needs to do is hit his finisher three consecutive times, because nobody gets up from that. He could even stand over Mike's Body with one foot much like Ultimate Warrior did to Macho Man at WrestleMania VII. Anyway, that's why I'm way more into the Malone/Pearson/Litt love triangle than the main plot from this season. For last week's rankings, click here. Now onto this week's power rankings:

1. Jeff Malone - Jeff never misses a Knicks game, so he turns down the ballet, even though, let's face it, there are probably more skilled athletes in the ballet. He's running a triangle offense with Louis and Jessica, but this triangle may turn into a menage a trois. Jeff goes along with Louis thinking he's gay to get closer to Jessica, but his main goal is to get primo help on his case. That help pays off as Jessica finds the call that will clear their client's name. Unfortunately, that gets Jeff Malone all boned up, but he couldn't get the nookie. But this man doesn't stop, and I admire his sticktoitiveness. It will serve him well as he earns his money by crushing anything the SEC throws at him.

2. Jessica Pearson - Jessica tricked Jeff into becoming best friends with Louis, and she doesn't want to waste her time hanging with Jeff Malone. Still, they make a great team, but they have to keep it in their pants. Jeff Malone's a hunk, but her firm is making her a giant hunk of cash, and that is something she does not want to give up for a premium slampiece.

3. Harvey Specter - He has a restaurant for everything he does. First dates, before a Yankees game, after a round of golf with Jordan, and, oh yeah, when he threatens large banks so they will stop funding his opponents. Variety is the spice of life, man. He does tell Walter that Mike basically killed his son. It was basically the equivalent  of when Darryl Kile died in his hotel room with marijuana in his system, and Cubs fans equated it to Kile supporting terrorism. Also, I know that we are supposed to believe that Harvey's Father's tapes are some sort of jazz music, but I know 8 mm pornography film when I see it. Mike had no intention of keeping the tapes; he just wanted a romantic movie night with Rachel. Still, I could see why Harvey was so intent on wanting to remaster the action.

4. Rachel Zane - She is supposed to ask a favor from her boyfriend to save his future. Instead, she asks the favor from her ex-boyfriend, which I am sure her obsessive current boyfriend will be totally cool with. Also, she was totally in the right this week. She should not have to give Mike all the details of past relationships. What kind of creep even wants to know that type of stuff? Plus, she was super tired and just wanted to get some sleep; I totally understand that feeling. More than true love, she needs to find her true sleep number.

5. Logan Sanders - He wants to fight dirty, which means a private investigator looking into Mike Ross, but his old flame asks him to back off, so he does, because he still plans on winning her heart and panties back. His best work was in his past when he reasoned with his wife that he wasn't sleeping by Rachel by noting that she was just a paralegal. "Honey, why would I be interested in that incredibly hot chick? She doesn't even have a law degree. Hashtag, too stupid to fuck." Logan Sanders was way ahead of his time on using hashtags in everyday conversation.

6. Danyel H - Just crushing #SuitsLive. Last week, #1, this week, #3. As much as this person loves Suits, they love their cat even more. Good on you, Danyel H. Can't wait to see your score next week.

7. Donna Paulsen - She uses her wisdom to encourage Mike to be a good dude. She also spreads the gossip around to make sure that everyone stays happy. She was basically Tinkerbell in her way to sprinkle wisdom upon all that crossed her path.

8. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis invites dudes to the ballet, but he also will go out of his way to help out his friends. Louis sees the homoeroticism in all sports. His sexuality is overcoming the entire office, so everyone is sexually turned on by him. He has to break Jeff's heart. Unfortunately, he then finds out that Jeff was lying, and it broke his heart. Louis needs to start looking for companions on Tinder.

9. Eric Woodall - Seven subpoenas starting tomorrow.

10. Mike's Assistant - I feel like we are supposed to know things about her, but she is basically a puzzle that is missing half of the pieces. I know she is sassy, that she will talk to her boss anyway she wants, and that she is a cute lady. However, I don't know her background, motivation, or even her name. You are a mystery, Mike's Assistant.

11. Vernon - He's just a banker dude who hates Brussels sprouts.

12. Walter Gillis - His son died because of drugs, so he hates drug dealers. He thought The Wire was overrated and couldn't even watch Weeds.

13. Mike Ross - Mike tries to take advantage of his tired girlfriend in the worst way possible, by finding out about her ex-boyfriend. I could come up with about 7,000 ways I would rather take advantage of Rachel, and that's without including anything sexual (I have lots of law questions that I cannot afford to ask). Mike is basically a psychotic boyfriend in that he researches his girlfriend and her ex-boyfriends, and then gets mad at her for not telling him everything about her past relationship. Not a good look for you, Mikey.

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