Monday, January 26, 2015

Join The Gym Before The New Year

Now that we are in the New Year, my gym is much more crowded. Since I am a gym curmudgeon who just wants to get his swoll on, this bothers me. Now, don't get me wrong, I think it's great that people are taking care of their bodies. Being healthy is an essential part to happiness, so good for them. This year, they really haven't gotten in my way, but I feel bad that they don't know what they are doing and look like they are going to hurt themselves. Stay safe out there, little buddies and buddettes.

Still, none of these people make me feel as uncomfortable the 60-year-old dude who wears toe shoes, black spandex shorts, a wife beater, headband, and workout gloves every day. Every single day. Dude is the Superman of bad workout fashion. Just visualize that...(shudders).

Um, what was the point of this? Oh yeah, join the gym before the new year so you can feel an air of superiority over your fellow gymgoer. That's really what the gym is all about. An exercise in vanity. Trust me, it's an incredibly satisfying feeling to know that you've been in the gym, putting in the work well before these people showed up.

Just imagine dropping pithy one-liners like this one, "It's clear that Santa got him a gym membership for Christmas."

Or, "Weird, I don't remember seeing that guy in 2015." You'll get mad chuckles.

Also, if you join in November, you can make hilarious remarks about the election. "Yo bro, did it really take Hulk Hogan (or whoever else might win the election) to encourage you to get in the gym?" It really sucks, but yes, you must use bro in your sentences, brah or braj are also acceptable.

Another good one is, "Clearly, all these people needed was a real American as president to encourage them to turn their life around. #Nobama #NoHope (and yes, you will have to say hashtag out loud for this to work)."

So for the sake of year-round gym goers, don't join in January. Beat the rush. That way the people like me won't look down on you as if we should have a private gym for our $10 Planet Fitness monthly fees. And even more importantly, stay away from spandex.


  1. I'll bet you can't guess which muscle in your body is the muscle that eliminates joint and back pains, anxiety and excessive fat.

    This "hidden primal muscle" is in your body and it will boost your energy levels, immune system, sexual performance, strength and athletic power when unlocked.

    1. This is just a very fancy way of referring to my penis.