The WWE Is Ruining... Mojo Rawley

As a pro wrestling fan, it is a part of our identity to always know how to utilize wrestlers better than the WWE. If WWE would just give me, random WWE fan, a job a the company, ratings would immediately rise to the levels of the Monday Night Wars, despite how television ratings have changed as a whole over the last 20 years. But until that happens, WWE will continue ruining our favorite wrestlers, and that is why it is time to point out the error in their ways. Because of WWE's incompetence, I am literally going to pick a wrestler at random and point out how they could be better utilized, because WWE is ruining everyone in one way or another.

Today, I am getting hyped to talk about the WWE's incompetence, but the question is whether I can stay hyped as I talk about Rob Gronkowski's best friend, Mojo Rawley.

Mojo Rawley is a bunch of charisma, but his wrestling prowess leaves something to be desired. He's basically like a big puppy stomping around with feet that are too big for his body. Sure it's cute, but there is only so much you can do when it's constantly shitting all over the place.

He's probably shown his best charisma as a heel as he can believably show disdain for flashy good guys who deserve beatings. But he doesn't have the technical skills or overwhelming power to be the believable badass that he would need to be.

I think he would be a perfect mid-level babyface in the 1980s. I know this may sound weird, but he basically reminds me of Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake. He has a lot of energy, not great in the ring, but he has enough charisma to get cheered as long as we occasionally remind people that he's friends with Hulk Hogan.

Now, obviously, I would like to make Brutus Beefcake the father of Mojo Rawley, but since I just did that last week with Norman Smiley and Alicia Fox, I probably shouldn't go back to that well just yet. Seriously, if I was on WWE Creative, my first response for any new character would be to make someone from late-90s WCW their biological father. My first recommendation would always be La Parka.

Okay, got a little sidetracked there. Back to Mojo Rawley. Since nothing stands out about Mojo Rawley to me, I think you just use him as a jobber to elevate more important talent. If you're looking to maximize Mojo, put him in a tag team with a great worker. If you kept him as a good guy, tagged him up with Sami Zayn, you could have a pretty great team where Mojo can just come in as the hot tag guy and dominate for two minutes while Zayn handles the heavy lifting. I do not believe this is the best use of Sami Zayn, so I'd keep Mojo as a jobber.

Since Rawley does not get my mojo rising, I consulted Lukewarm Jonah for his take on the situation.

The WWE is ruining Mojo Rawley.  He won the Andre The Giant Battle Royal when he eliminated Jinder Mahal.  If you had told me one of the final people in that match would be a world champion I would have guessed Gronk.  Then after that battle royal, they did pretty much nothing with him.  The WWE did something right with Mojo Rawley, turn him heel.  He was pretty unlikeable as a face, as his gimmick of I have a famous friend isn’t a great one to relate to the wide audience.  I got to witness heel Mojo before anyone else, at an NXT house show he worked as a heel and thrusted a bunch.  Just so much thrusting.  One thing his current character is missing is that thrusting.  Another way that the WWE could get Mojo over is by completely flipping his face character.  Face Mojo didn’t get hype, he stayed hype.  Heel Mojo should be as low energy as possible.  I suggest a saying of I don’t get melancholy I stay melancholy, or morose.  Then he could be Triple M, Melancholy Morose Mojo.  Also his entrance music should be The Simpsons Monkey pressing the computer and making it say “Pray For Mojo” set over “Melancholy and The Infinite Sadness”.  He also needs an NFL friend, but not Gronk, he’s too hype.  Luckily, there’s the perfect low energy NFL star who has tons of time on his hands, Jay Cutler.  Cutler can come to shows and look uninterested while Mojo wheels himself to the ring.  Cutler can also throw things at Mojo’s opponents to distract them, but he’ll hit Mojo about half the time, because he throws a lot of interceptions you see.  Super low energy Mojo will be a huge hit and get over like crazy, the crowd will boo like crazy when he low energy thrusts.

Yeah, it's probably best to make Mojo a jobber; it's up to the audience on whether they want Jay Cutler to be his manager or not.

Other Wrestlers WWE Is Ruining
Alicia Fox
Bobby Lashley
Charlotte Flair
Dana Brooke
Dash Wilder
Kane
Kofi Kingston
Mickie James
Nia Jax
Peyton Royce
Randy Orton
Scott Dawson
Tyler Breeze

The WWE Is Ruining... Kane

As a pro wrestling fan, it is a part of our identity to always know how to utilize wrestlers better than the WWE. If WWE would just give me, random WWE fan, a job a the company, ratings would immediately rise to the levels of the Monday Night Wars, despite how television ratings have changed as a whole over the last 20 years. But until that happens, WWE will continue ruining our favorite wrestlers, and that is why it is time to point out the error in their ways. Because of WWE's incompetence, I am literally going to pick a wrestler at random and point out how they could be better utilized, because WWE is ruining everyone in one way or another.

Today, it is time to talk about the devil's favorite demon, KANE.

How is the WWE ruining Kane? Well, first off, this mayor of "Knox County," Tennessee is soooo dumb. Politics gimmicks never work, because they're always fake, and they're always stupid. Remember Hulk hogan running for president, or Bob Backlund running for president, or Linda McMahon running for congress? All fake and all dumb. This one is even dumber as they are claiming that he actually won the election. Yeah, and I'm the mayor of Parts Unknown.

There is only one thing that can take Kane or his new gimmick of Glenn Jacobs (what a stupid name for a mayor), and that is getting him a secretary. A secretary could bring out his worst instincts and help him turn back into the devil's favorite demon. But who should that secretary be? There is really only one choice.

Katie Vick.

I mean, it's perfect. The dead, possibly raped, body of Kane's former lover coming back from the dead to help him find his inner demon. Now, outside of Triple H mimicking sex with a dummy in a casket, we have never had a physical form to Ms. Vick. That may seem like a problem, but it's actually a huge opportunity as you could literally put anyone in that spot. If you don't think anyone can live up to the hype, make her a character like Vera from Cheers where she is only offscreen, pulling the strings.

Everyone agrees that Kane was at his best when Katie Vick was involved, and if you bring Vick back, there is no ceiling on his potential. Even if Katie Vick was a little crass for your personal tastes, you've gotta admit, it's a whole lot better than this Glenn Jacobs - Knox County Mayor gimmick, right?

Other Wrestlers WWE Is Ruining
Bobby Lashley
Charlotte Flair
Dana Brooke
Dash Wilder
Nia Jax
Peyton Royce
Scott Dawson
Tyler Breeze

The 45 Most Important Players to the Chicago Bulls Dynasty - #4 Dennis Rodman

Dennis Rodman
Before he was America's greatest ambassador to North Korea, Dennis Rodman was actually a basketball player. He was also an actor and a professional wrestler, so the guy definitely stayed busy, but he still managed to find plenty of time to get in trouble. Between famous relationships with Carmen Electra, Madonna, and, uh, himself...

...not to mention run-ins with the law, alcohol abuse, and multiple books, it was quite the ride. His time management skills must have been impeccable. But for now, let's stick with the basketball side of things before touching on the extracurricular activities.

Rodman was drafted in the second round (27th overall) by the Detroit Pistons where he fit in well with the Bad Boy Pistons. Rodman was always a guy who was willing to do the dirty work, and where many players want more scoring opportunities as their career progresses, Rodman went the opposite direction as he averaged 11 points per game in his second year but would never average double-digit points again in his career. But Rodman was never known as he excelled on defense and rebounding, winning back-to-back Defensive Player of the Year for the 1989-90 and 1990-91 seasons.

He would spend his first seven years with the Pistons, winning two titles, before being traded to the San Antonio Spurs in a deal that got the Pistons Sean Elliott. After two years with the Spurs, he was traded to the Bulls for Will Perdue right before the beginning of the 1995-96 season.

Rodman continued to contribute by doing the dirty work for those Bulls teams. In his first year with the team, he was selected to the NBA All-Defensive First team, along with Scottie Pippen and Michael Jordan, while leading the league in rebounding. Of course, this was not without incident, as he was suspended for six games for headbutting a referee.

In the playoffs, he played even better as the competition got tougher. That year, the Eastern Conference Finals may have been more important to the Bulls than even the NBA Finals. The Orlando Magic were the first team to eliminate a Jordan-led Bulls team since 1990. But in 1996, the Bulls went out and annihilated them, helped greatly by Dennis Rodman who both suffocated the Magic on defense and annoyed them with repeated offensive rebounds on offense. Hell, he even managed 11.5 points per game in the sweep of the Magic. He continued his great play in the Finals, highlighted by a 9 point, 19 rebound, 5 assist, 3 steals, and a block in the Championship clinching Game Six against the Seattle SuperSonics.

Rodman would turn 35 during the 1996-97 season, and his age began to show. He still led the league with over 16 rebounds per game, but he only managed to play in 55 games that season, partially due to missing 11 games after kicking a cameraman in the groin. In the playoffs he averaged just 28 minutes per game, down from 34 the year before and only managed 8.4 rebounds per game.

He would bounce back for the 1997-98 season as he managed to play in 80 games that year. Still, it was clear that he was not the same player he once was. In the playoffs, he played great early on, but as the games got more important in the Eastern Conference and NBA Finals, Rodman's impact diminished, although the Bulls were still able to beat the Jazz in six games for their third straight title.

The Bulls would release him after the lockout where Rodman would play a partial season with the Los Angeles Lakers and another one with the Dallas Mavericks, but his antics far outweighed his contributions at that point in his career.

But this was okay as Rodman had plenty of hobbies outside of basketball. He was a professional wrestler, tagging up with Hulk Hogan and earning the nickname, "Rod The Bod," a nickname that is criminally left off of his basketball-reference page.

He would have singles runs against both Macho Man Randy Savage and Curt Hennig, but his greatest accomplishment may have been winning Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Wrestling tournament, besting the likes of Frank Stallone, Butterbean, and Screech.

Outside of the ring, Rodman was Commissioner of the Lingerie Football League in 2005, was on the Celebrity Apprentice in both 2009 and 2013, and may now be our best hope of avoiding a nuclear war with North Korea. All of this, and I still consider his greatest accomplishment marrying Carmen Electra, and then claiming that she forced him into the marriage. Now that is a baller move.

Previous Entries:

#45 - Jack Haley

#44 - Rory Sparrow

#43 - Chuck Nevitt

#42 - David Vaughn

#41 - Jo Jo English

#40 - Ricky Blanton

#39 - Matt Steigenga

#38 - Joe Courtney

#37 - Keith Booth

#36 - Mark Randall

#35 - Ed Nealy

#34 - Rusty LaRue

#33 - Corey Williams

#32 - Joe Kleine

#31 - John Salley

#30 - James Edwards

#29 - Robert Parish

#28 - Darrell Walker

#27 - Rodney McCray

#26 - Dennis Hopson

#25 - Trent Tucker

#24 - Dickey Simpkins

#23 - Bobby Hansen

#22 - Scott Burrell

#21 - Bison Dele

#20 - Craig Hodges

#19 - Jud Buechler

#18 - Randy Brown

#17 - Cliff Levingston

#16 - Stacey King

#15 - Jason Caffey

#14 - Bill Wennington

#13 - Will Perdue

#12 - Scott Williams

#11 - Steve Kerr

#10 - BJ Armstrong

#9 - Luc Longley

#8 - John Paxson 

#7 - Bill Cartwright

#6 - Toni Kukoc

#5 - Ron Harper

The 15 Worst Things About XWF Episode 1

The XWF was a short-lived wrestling organization in the early 2000s. It started in November 2001 which means it actually preceded the beginnings of TNA which did not start until June of 2002. Oh, but don't worry about overlap as the XWF was out of business by February of 2002. Honestly, early TNA looks a whole lot like the XWF. It is not good, but there are some good aspects of it. And luckily, they put three of their episodes on YouTube to be broken down. They pack a lot into 45 minutes, so buckle up, and if you'd like to check out the episode, it's embedded below.

Not everything was bad, so the beginning of the list will actually be positive. We take a downward spiral into negatives fairly quickly.

15. They Had The Brain
The best thing they did was get Curt Hennig and have him, not managed, but represented by agent, Bobby "The Brain" Heenan. I am extremely cynical towards this wrestling venture, but even I popped for this. Unfortunately, I'll talk about the match itself later.

14. Mean WHOOOOOOOO Gene
They also got Mean Gene Okerlund, and there is literally no way to fault them for that.

13. Hype Videos
Willie Nelson talks about how much he loves America with Hacksaw Jim Duggan for 20 seconds. It's inane and delightful. Johnny B. Badd does a ten-second promo, and it gets me so hyped. Norman Smiley does the same. They even got Gene Simmons to do one for The Demon. I don't actually see any of these guys wrestle on this episode, and honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if I don't see any of them wrestle at all in these episodes, but the POSSIBILITY has me very intrigued.

12. Talent Did Exist
A bunch of cruiserweights, led by the former Prince Iaukea, come knocking on Piper's door, so he invents a Cruiserweight Title for everyone to compete for. Piper says that people can be eliminated by pinfall, submission, or over the top rope, but everyone is thrown over the top rope, so it's just a Cruiserweight Battle Royal. That is bad, but the fact that they have Psicosis, Kid Kash, AJ Styles, Christopher Daniels, Juventud Guerrera, Low Ki (known as Quick Kick), and Prince Iaukea (known as The Tongan Prince) definitely saves it.

As I said, it's a Cruiserweight Battle Royal, so it's by far the best match on the show. The funniest part is that they pan away from the match to show Josh Matthews to hype him as the next big thing in the Cruiserweight division. Kid Kash wins the Battle Royal to become the first champion of the XWF.

11. A King On Leave
For the broadcast team, they got Tony Schiavone as their main play-by-play announcer which sounds bad, but for color, they had Jerry "The King" Lawler. Lawler quit the WWE for nine months when his wife, The Kat, got fired. This fit perfectly into that break of his. Lawler's commentary does not age well, because it's pretty horrifically offensive for today's world, but back then, you couldn't have gotten a more desired announcer.

10. A Perfectly Stupid Ending
Curt Hennig takes on Vampiro in the first episode main event. The match is fine until the end when Heenan gets a pair of brass knuckles. Before he can use them, Roddy Piper runs out and does this.

He hits Hennig, even though Hennig and Heenan never cheated. There was no proof that The Brain was going to use those brass knuckles for nefarious means; he might have just had cold knuckles. This injustice leads to Vampiro picking up the easy win.

9. Nasty Jimmy Forgot The Hammer
This was a company run by Brian Knobbs, Jimmy Hart, and Greg "The Hammer" Valentine. For the DVD set, they couldn't even get Valentine to say anything which should tell you a lot about the quality of this product. But they did get Knobbs and Hart, and they focused on wrestlers from the past, present, and future. I'll let you take a guess at which one of those categories this company is sorely lacking. They also said they didn't want any prima donnas, and then immediately bragged about signing Hulk Hogan.

8. Authority Figures
Sable is the CEO, but she is just known by her first name, Rena. Sable was never great at speaking, but she did a hell of a job memorizing her lines as she actually sounds like she has a purpose in her words. But she only speaks for a minute before introducing the commissioner, "Rowdy" Roddy Piper. Why did they need two authority figures immediately? Because..., um, shrug emoji. Piper said he'll deal with the wrestlers, and she can deal with the money. I really hope they do some vignettes of Sable crunching the numbers.

7. Is Buff Enough?
The first match, to pop off the crowd, and set the tone for this new wrestling venture, is Big Vito vs. Buff Bagwell. I love Buff Bagwell, but this is exactly the match that you would expect.

6. Party Marty vs. Tall Hulk Hogan

The second match of the card is Marty Jannetty, who does not appear to be intoxicated, taking on some dude named Hail. He's 6'10" 340 pounds and couldn't wrestle his way out of a wet paper bag. He beats Jannetty, but the fact that a guy built like Hail never got a shot in the WWE shows how worthless he was in the ring. This is the first match that highlights the XWF's Hulk Hogan strategy. The XWF brought in every variation of Hulk Hogan to see if they could create a new Hulk Hogan. They had a fetish for giant buff dudes who were balding or completely bald and couldn't wrestle. They looked at professional wrestling, saw Hulk Hogan, loved Hulk Hogan, wanted to produce an entire organization of Hulk Hogans. Their big issue was that they forgot the most important ingredient of Hulk Hogan, and that is charisma. Despite failing to look for that, they would end up with one Hulk Hogan, but that was when they brought in Hulk Hogan.

5. Nasty Boys vs. Hulk Hogan Twins

The Nasty Boys take on The Shane Twins. You're not going to believe this, but the Shane Twins are giant buff dudes who can barely move. The Shane Twins win, but the Nasty Boys start beating on them, only to be stopped by The Road Warriors.

4. British Hulk Hogan Takes On Hulk Hogan's Nephew

Horace Hogan vs. Ian Harrison basically proved that their strategy in finding stars is finding guys who had lots of muscles and the wrestling talent would be secondary at best. British Hogan vs. Hogan Relative saw the foreigner coming out on top.

3. WXF?
This is the XWF secondary logo.

There is no human being alive who wouldn't guess that this company is called the WXF.

2. When Nasty Gets Nice
The end of this video, when they go back to director's commentary, is goddamn insane. Brian Knobbs only knows how to speak one way, and it's fast and loud. He was getting all hyped about the Nasty Boys feuding with The Road Warriors, but then he decided it was time to be serious. This is that moment.

He's still talking fast and loud, but he's combining that with some somber notes as he talks about the death of Hawk and Curt Hennig. They may have not wanted to combine all of the recap in one take, but two takes are for prima donnas.

1. Xcitement
XWF stands for Xcitement Wrestling Federation. I have nothing more to add.

Paul Orndorff at the Beauty Salon

Paul Orndorff is one of those wrestlers that never quite caught the right breaks. He feuded with Hogan, but it was early, and it was never at a WrestleMania, so even a guy like King Kong Bundy is remembered more for his feud with Hogan. Speaking of Hogan, Orndorff was nearly given the Hulk Hogan push had Hogan not come back to WWE, and although that sounds great, Orndorff was not the guy to pull that off (which we'll be getting to later). Still, I most remember Orndorff for being one of Hogan's opponents on MicroLeague Wrestling for the Commodore 64.

Hogan's other opponent was Macho Man, so yeah, this was a pretty damn big deal.

Luckily, Orndorff's big push did come during the heyday of Prime Time Wrestling, which is probably the greatest show that WWE has ever produced. It was a late night talk show focused only on wrestling, hosted by Vince McMahon with Lord Alfred Hayes as his sidekick. The best thing they did on these were remote videos with WWE Superstars when they were away from the ring. So where would you find Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff when he was away from the ring? The beauty salon, of course, and everything he did was magical.

Paul Orndorff, whose occupation is basically fighter in the kayfabe world of professional wrestling, is out here going to a beauty salon and getting a mani/pedi and his hair done like a metrosexual twenty years before it became popular. This is a man that was truly ahead of his time. In fact, he was so ahead of his time that he has things done that I'm not even sure are actual services that normal human beings can pay for.

One woman just puts a little lotion on his face, and that is her only job.
Another woman shines his shoes. Mr. Wonderful is wearing sneakers.

And one woman simply fluffs his hair for him. She doesn't cut it, doesn't style it, just fluffs it, and she has to be careful as Mr. Wonderful does not want a single hair pulled for his head.

The man has four women working on him at once, and he makes sure to criticize all of their work. You have to feel bad for hte girl who got stuck doing the manicure, as she has the only real job of the four.

But the best part of this video is that they clearly had one take to get everything in, and they were not going to redo this no matter what happened. This lets Mr. Wonderful go into unscripted diatribes where he starts off on the right road, but then plows through dead end signs and just keeps going hoping that if he drives through a field far enough that he might get back on a paved road.

"This is the kind of treatment that Mr. Wonderful gets. This is the trype of...treatment that he deserves, that he owns, that he has, that he is. He is Mr. Wonderful. I pay a lot of money to have my hair, my nails, my shoes shined. And these ladies right here are who help me. They're the one that make me what I am. They help to make me what Mr. Wonderful really is."

"See? I demand this. I demand every hair in the right place. I demand my nails done perfectly, because I am a perfectionist. I demand my shoes to be done right. That's the way I am. That's the way I am when I step in the ring. That's why this face looks the way it looks...and hair...everything. I make more money on my hair, and my face, and my shoes than most people make...in a year. I spend that in a week."

But even with the flubs, it leads to some brilliant moments. He accuses the manicurist of biting his fingernails while he wasn't looking. Just picture that in your head for a moment. Mr. Wonderful screaming at the shoe girl for not polishing up his sneakers and off to the side, this little blond lady is sneaking in bites of his fingernails. That's amazing. I mean, that's so amazing that I kind of want to get a manicure just so I can accuse a woman of biting my fingernails while I wasn't paying attention.

On top of that, he asks the shoe shiner to spit shine his shoes, and she obliges without a second thought. That is some classic woman demeaning that could only happen 30 years ago. It also leads to this amazing reaction from two of the beauty salon employees and then the shoe shine girl herself.

Finally, Mr. Wonderful is fed up with his treatment at the beauty salon. Although he spends "five hundred to six hundred dollars twice a week," he still cannot buy proper quality. It's truly amazing that he plays the victim as he exclaims that he "doesn't deserve this."

Paul Orndorff's visit to the beauty salon ends the only way it really could have. He leaves without paying.

At Home with David Schultz

David Schultz may be the greatest wrestler that you have never heard of. Now, I must admit I have probably barely seen him wrestle in my life, but this man was a GOD when it came to promos. He's probably best known for slapping the shit out of John Stossel when Stossel said that wrestling was fake. His best moment was probably this interview he did on Hulk Hogan, which is probably my favorite promo in wrestling history.

If I were Gawker, I would definitely present this video as evidence that Hulk may have wanted his sex tape to come out to prove to David Schultz that he has been with a woman.

But I'm not here to focus on that today. I want to look into the everyday "Dr. D" David Schultz. Luckily, back in 1984, the WWE got to spend a day with Schultz and get a look at what his life is like at home. The results were predictably amazing.

It's one of the most amazing pieces I have ever seen. Like, we know Dr. D David Schultz is a character, but he's probably not that far from David Schultz the man. His home life is exactly what you would expect his home life to look like, starting with his children.

Yo, Dr. D, your kids don't look alike. I mean, I'm not sayin, I'm just sayin. I feel like the ginger with the dead eyes is probably yours. Red shirt, well, he kind of looks like a young Mean Gene Okerlund.

I can't say it's too surprising, as his wife nearly accuses him of lying in front of the cameras, and then has the nerve to interrupt him during his interview.

It is impossible to side-eye anybody harder than Dr. D just side-eyed his wife. At least dinner is done, and I'm sure the kitchen is spotle...oh no.

"What is this? The city dump?" is something I would love to say to my wife when I see a mess in the house, but then she would probably proceed to hit me and make me start doing more cleaning. Schultz knew how to keep his lady in check; I'm just happy my lady keeps me around.

Maybe the most amazing part of this video is that the dinner on the table is some fried chicken, like three pieces of pizza, and a bottle of A-1 Sauce. Nobody is eating fried chicken or pizza on their plates. Instead, they're all just eating plain white bread. It's so wonderful.

After he realizes that his family is a bunch of ass clowns, Schultz kicks the camera crew out of his house so he can go about his day.

Never change, Dr. D. 

Macho Man Randy Savage Is The Greatest: Volume 2 - The World's Greatest Threat

Macho Man is great. Maybe the greatest. In fact, if you don't have Macho Man as one of the five greatest of all time, all of your opinions about pro wrestling are invalid. He was a master in the ring, he was a master with promos, and he was even a master commentator and spokesperson. In fact, although it was not critically acclaimed, I can still listen to and enjoy his rap album. But people know the highlights of his career, instead, I want to celebrate the less famous moments and bring light to these accomplishments, as they are just as impressive as the highlights.

Hulk Hogan turning heel at the Bash at the Beach in 1996 is one of the most iconic moments in pro wrestling history. It was an incredible shock to this 12-year-old Hulkamaniac, but it also spawned the coolest stable in pro wrestling history. What people don't remember is how WCW responded the next night. Sting gave his speech about Hulk letting everybody down, and it was very ho-hum. Then Macho Man took the microphone and shit got real.

In case you are at work, or if you need someone to help you digest what you just saw, I am going to break down every line from the Macho Man.

I got a message for Hollywood Hogan. 

Okay, that makes sense. He just turned his back on WCW, and especially Macho Man, more than anyone else, so I it is totally reasonable that Savage would have a message for Hogan.

But what I want to tell you and what I want to do to you, I can't say here on television, especially here at Disney. 

Hey-o! Macho's coming in hot, but honestly, this makes sense. He has every right to be angry. The problem is that if he can't say what's on his mind, how will he articulate what he wants to do to Hogan? But you should never question Macho's ability to get his point across, because this man has articulation oozing out of his ass.

But you take the worst thing that you can think about and you multiply it by the number nine million...

Okay, hold up just for a second. Let me do the math here. Worse thing...times...9,000,000...equals...oh man, that's some bad shit right there.

...and then you multiply it by infinity...

Oh, wait, just give me one more second. Times ∞. okay, it looks like that equals 9,000,000 ∞. That seems like a lot.

...and beyond. 

Hum. I can't seem to find the "and beyond" button on this thing. But it's got to be more than 9,000,000 ∞. That was already more than I could count, so it's gotta be pretty intense. And let's not forget that this is how much you should multiply the worst thing that you can think about.

It would be just like one grain of sand in the Sahara Desert, brother. 

Oh, WOW. So even with that large number we just discovered, that would only represent one grain of sand in the Sahara Desert. Doing some quick research with the always reliable Yahoo Answers, I learned that there are eight octillion grains of sand in the Sahara. That means that to figure out what Macho Man is thinking, we have to think of the worst thing we can think of, multiply it by 9,000,000 ∞, and then multiply that by 8,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.

Because it's really really scary what I'm thinking and gonna do to you, YEAH.

Uh...yeah, I'd say so. After doing the math, we have to take the worst thing we can think of and multiply it by 72,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 ∞. What could this possibly mean? How is this possible? Well, after weeks of this question haunting me, the answer finally dawned on me. The key is not who is saying this, but who he is saying it to. What Macho Man understood better than any of us was Hollywood Hogan's former nickname. Not just Hulk, but The Immortal Hulk Hogan. That takes care of the infinity, as this torture that Macho Man wants to put on Hulk Hogan will last for all eternity. That giant number before the infinity? Well, that will always remain a mystery as only Macho Man had the mental capacity to dream up something so awful that it would be 72,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 than your worst nightmare.

It is the greatest threat recorded in human history, and it's another reason why Macho Man Randy Savage was the greatest.

Hulk Hogan's Presidential Run

With the 2016 election heating up, there is no better time to look back on the presidential campaign that was truly ahead of its time. If all you need now is celebrity status and a willingness to say and do stupid things, there was one candidate who was ready before all the rest. That candidate? The Immortal (and possibly racist) Hulk Hogan. I mean, just imagine if Donald Trump would have said what Hogan got in so much trouble for, we wouldn't have batted an eye, and there would have been plenty of Backwoods Iowans ready to say, "He's just saying what we're all thinking." But alas, Hogan tried to run for President in 2000 instead of 2016, and that was truly his biggest mistake. Still, let's take a look back on the greatest presidential candidate that the United States has ever seen.

In 1998, Hulk Hogan knew his career was over and decided to announce his retirement. There was no better time and place to do this than Thanksgiving Night on the Jay Leno show.

When Leno asked Hulk what he was going to announce, Hulk responded, "The big announcement is, since it's Thanksgiving and everyone's at home watching, I kind of come to the crossroads here and I've accomplished everything I wanted to do in wrestling. My family's secure, I've had a great career, and I wanted to officially announce my retirement."

Let's quickly break down the most ridiculous things from this short response.

3. "Since it's Thanksgiving and everyone's at home watching"
Wait, is that a thing? Is this a tradition that we celebrate to honor Native Americans? Like, we stole their land and infested them with disease, so we will watch late night talk shows to pay our respects? I don't remember that being a thing.

2. "I've accomplished everything I wanted to do in wrestling...I wanted to officially announce my retirement"
Hulk Hogan wrestled for another FIFTEEN years, and he has still been squawking about getting one more match in the WWE.

1. "My family's secure"
And the reason Hulk Hogan is still trying to wrestle is because he's still trying to make money. Your wife filing divorce, trying to support your daughter's musical career, and your son paralyzing someone has a way to drain your assets rather quickly. Hence, a lot more wrestling, plenty of public appearances, and racism, although the racism doesn't seem to be paying off.

But the Hulkster still had plenty to say about his potential Presidency, and Jay Leno was asking the tough questions:

Jay: But have you had any experience at all in this field?
Hulk: Well, I've been making decisions all my life.

The man has a point, and try to prove him wrong...you can't. He'd been making decisions his whole life, so how was he not ready to be president?

Jay: I'm glad you're not coming into comedy. Now what about your past? Any secrets? Cause they invesitgate you.

Hulk: We all make mistakes, and thank God we learn from those mistakes. I mean, I'm beyond this mid-life crisis that Clinton is going through now.

This is probably my favorite line from Hogan's brief Presidential run. He's beyond a mid-life crisis. The last twenty years of Hulk Hogan's life has been one giant mid-life crisis. He calls out Clinton for cheating on his wife, but this is a man who had sex with his friend's wife, which is...uh, better? This doesn't even bring up the much weirder aspect of his mid-life crisis. He has a weird obsession with his daughter to the point that he is now married to a woman who looks EXACTLY like his daughter.

And they both look like him, which does not help his case, but hey, to each their own. As for his policies, all he said was that he wanted to go into Iraq and take out Saddam Hussein (although he couldn't pronounce it right), which is dumb, and he wanted a flat tax which is somehow even dumber.

But did anyone take this seriously? Well, CBS News reported it, so yeah, people did take it seriously.

Hulk Hogan was ready to save America through training, prayers, and eating vitamins. Unfortunately, a larger mission was on the horizon.

Yes, just six weeks after Hulk Hogan announced his bid for the Presidency, and on the night he had planned on letting the world know who his Vice President would be, he gave it all up to save WCW (and also to call Bill Goldberg a sexual deviant).

What was so big that Hulk had to come back to wrestling? Well, a shot at Kevin Nash and the WCW title, which of course led to this:

THE FINGERPOKE OF DOOM!

When I began writing this piece, I imagined how much better the world would be if Hulk would have spent eight great years in the White House. We'd have no debt, there would be no childhood obesity, and terrorists would no longer exist as they would have long ago converted to Hulkamania. But we also wouldn't have The Fingerpoke of Doom, and quite frankly, that's not a world I want to live in.

You made the right choice, Hulk.

Alex Wright - The German Hulk Hogan

Alex Wright is not a name that sticks with the casual wrestling fan. He is most known as being a dancing, German jobber and didn't make a huge impact on the sport. But he was a dancing, German jobber, so I obviously loved him. I mean, just look at this guy:

And that was in preparation to take on Triple H. He straight up punked The Game. What's not to love? Alex Wright could have been so much more in different circumstances. Just with his dancing, he's one of the most charismatic Euorpean pro wrestlers in history; I mean, he's basically the Hulk Hogan of Germany.

But he wasn't just a master on the dance floor; he was also a master on the microphone, with many claiming he was the most influential German orator since a certain unnamed 1940s dictator.

I'm always a big fan of when foreigners make fun of Ameicans for only being able to speak one language, as it is a COMPLETELY legitimate claim, because Americans are so xenophobic that ehy only learn to speak Murrican. Also, I am 100% guilty of this, as I did not care to learn Spanish when I had the chance.  He then calls out DDP, which is probably a good call, because DDP's Vegas White Trash look really was the epitome of stupid Americans, but without looking it up, I'm going to go out on a limb and say Alex Wright did not beat DDP and go on to challenge for the World Heavyweight Title at Halloween Havoc. Must have been some interference.

But why pick on DDP when you can pick on Tony Schiavone?

He calls Schiavone a "Pig of a man. An overweight, out of shape, LOSER." This man was basically German Donald Trump. Das Wunderkind for next German Fuhrer. He does get a little lost when he calls out Americans for being losers, but then individually calls out every European wrestler, who are also losers. He was mostly right, but dead wrong when he included Norman Smiley in that group.

Obviously, he was great cutting promos on cable television, so the only question left was whether he could take it to the most important medium of them all. Could Alex Wright, Das Wunderkind, convince you to select him in a video game? I think this video gives a definitive answer.

Oh, hell yeah. I want high-flying acrobatics and total wrestling action, so I am definitely going to find out what Alex Wright is all about.

So what did the dancing and the mic skills lead to? Probably three of the most unforgettable title runs in WCW history. He won the Cruiserweight Title and feuded with Jericho for about a month before losing the belt. Then, less than a week later, he won the TV Title from Ultimo Dragon before losing the title to Disco Inferno who would later become his tag partner as they formed the Dancing Fools, which, shockingly, did not lead to a run with the titles.

Then Alex Wright dyed his hair, got a mohawk, and became Berlyn. It did not work out well, as you can see here.

Luckily, Alex Wright reformed his tag team with Disqo Inferno (who changed his name to be more like Sisqo) and they became Boogie Knights. They had a feud with the Natural Born Thrillers, but Disqo got hurt. It didn't matter thought, as General Rection subbed in for him and he and Alex Wright won the Tag Titles together. Since this was late era WCW, Wright defended the titles with Elix Skipper as his partner a few days later and lost it to different members of the Natural Born Thrillers. He remained on the WCW roster until the bitter end but never transitioned to the WWE.

He was known as Das Wunderkind, Berlyn, and The German Hulk Hogan. In the end, he was just Alex Wright, and although it was a goofy career, maybe it was just Wright.

Macho Man Randy Savage Is The Greatest: Volume 1 - Buster Douglas

Macho Man is great. Maybe the greatest. In fact, if you don't have Macho Man as one of the five greatest of all time, all of your opinions about pro wrestling are invalid.He was a master in the ring, he was a master with promos, and he was even a master commentator and spokesperson. In fact, although it was not critically acclaimed, I can still listen to and enjoy his rap album. But people know the highlights of his career, instead, I want to celebrate the less famous moments and bring light to these accomplishments, as they are just as impressive as the highlights.

In the summer of 1990, WWE had big plans for Saturday Night's Main Event, as Hulk Hogan was going to take on the Macho Man. To make this match even bigger, WWE was going to bring in Mike Tyson to be the special guest referee. There was just one problem. Mike Tyson didn't quite come through on his end of the bargain as he got knocked out by James "Buster" Douglas two weeks before the event. This meant the WWE had to switch to boxing's current Heavyweight Champion, and Mike Tyson wouldn't make his WWE debut for another decade.

Although there was a change in plans, Savage still did everything possible to put on a show. I'm not even going to touch on the match with Hogan, but instead focus on what Macho Man did after the match. Savage taunting Buster Douglas after losing to Hulk Hogan is amazing. The amount that Macho Man does here is absolutely incredible. He turned what should have been a disaster into an amazing moment that shows just how incredible he is.

Do you think Macho Man is scared of Boxing's Heavyweight Champion, a man who just knocked out Mike Tyson? Hell no.

Macho slaps Buster Douglas with a left and then immediately runs back to lay on the ropes while wagging his finger in the air. That is the definition of a boss maneuver. But do you think that's the only awesome thing he's going to do? Haha, think again.

Then he dances around the ring ready to box Douglas, because Macho Man (technically Macho King at this point) does not give a shit. The only problem is that Macho gets bored since he knows Douglas is an easy win for him. Since Buster is clearly out of his league, Savage challenges Hogan for a while before it is clear that Hogan is scared of Savage as well.

Finally, Macho Man gets bored and decides he can float like a butterfly while intimidating the champ. This is a great plan that would work if Hulk Hogan treated him like a decent human being. Instead, Hogan chooses the coward's way and shoves Savage from behind putting him in Buster Douglas's range for a knockout punch, and...

He whiffs, badly. Hogan still celebrates, but Macho isn't willing to let this turn into a debacle and go down from a phantom punch, so he clinches up with Buster Douglas, and clearly has to tell him, "Hit me again," in order for Buster Douglas to actually do a reasonable job of throwing a punch.

Basically, what I'm saying is that if Macho Man wanted to, he could have been a World Heavyweight Champion in boxing. Instead, he was one of the greatest pro wrestlers ever and deserves every bit of appreciation that he receives. Every move he makes in this minutes is magical, and it simply can't be overstated how amazingly in control he was of every single moment.

Macho Man is the greatest. Expect more evidence in the near future.

Kimberly Page Can't Dance

I've been having old Nitros playing in the background while I'm reading and writing, and occasionally something will catch my eye. One of these things was the debut of the Nitro Girls, but it was not for the obvious reasons. The Nitro Girls came along in 1997, which meant I was 13 years old at the time. This was an age where I started liking girls, but I would never outwardly admit that I liked girls (Note: This stage lasted about a decade). Hence, I was a big Kimberly fan, but as a 13 year old, I would have only described her looks as "Nice body, good hooters." Those words still ring true today, but as I started watching, I realized that Kimberly Page can't dance. Instead of just stating this with no proof, I'm going to break down the video evidence.


She's not that great on the microphone either, but I'm sure that she's happy that she no longer has to be The Booty Babe and hang out with Hulk Hogan's weird hot dog friend. But dancing wasn't really her strength as one of the first moves of the dance routine already made her look like she was moving in slow motion (and also not correctly).

She has no clue what is going on, and this wasn't the only slip up. She is very clearly trying to watch the girl next to her for clues on what she is supposed to be doing.

Literally, any time they brought up the level to professional dancer speed, poor Kim was just lost.

At least here she knows she's behind and tries to cut some corners, but if you're not going to do it right, you shouldn't be doing it at all. Straight arms, Kimmy.

Well, at least, she can throw her hands up, right?

Eh, I guess a shoulder shrug works just as well.

This usually wouldn't bother me. I mean, although I am an aficionado of West Coast Dance, I understand that anyone can have an off night. But this was their debut. This was their make or break moment, and Kimberly went out there and shit the bed repeatedly. On a lot of these moves, it's clear that she's not just slow, but she simply doesn't know the routine. This is unacceptable, and although she was the leader, I'd like to believe the Nitro Girls were a Cheerocracy and not a Cheertatorship. The latter is the only reason she could have stuck around, as any great squad knows that you're only as good as the weakest link.

Kimberly was the weakest link; it's just a shame that the Nitro Girls didn't say "Goodbye."

Roddy Piper's WCW Nitro Open Challenge

Roddy Piper's run in WCW left a lot to be desired. Let's face it; the world was changing, so Piper was no longer able to paint half his body black and for it to be totally acceptable. He was also getting a little older and had a family, so he wasn't going to be busting random bottles over his head and bleeding profusely for the sake of a promo.

Classic Roddy Piper was on another level. WCW Piper was basically a different person. They gave him a little too much creative freedom, which usually just harmlessly resulted in him cutting a promo that went about ten minutes too long. But in advance of the WCW Uncensored PPV in 1997, it was a hilarious disaster that was absolutely painful to watch.

Roddy Piper was tasked with putting a team together to face the nWo (and weirdly, also a team from WCW). He decided to have an open challenge to find the toughest guys in the back to join his team. They would fight Piper, and the crowd would decide if they were tough enough to join his squad. It did not go well.

Now usually with these open challenges, they may bring out a few jobbers, and then some legit guys that fans know to actually join the team. Piper convinced the WCW to do something differently, and honestly, there's not much more I can say, so let's just go through our challengers.

1. Meathead 1

First, we have Meathead 1. He at least looks athletic, but he's wearing jeans and a belt, so he didn't exactly do his best to prepare for this challenge. He does have a pretty long ponytail, so that is something. The most fascinating thing this guy does in his 30 seconds in the ring is tap out to a kimura by Piper, so clearly Piper knew a little about shooting, because that move was never used as a pro wrestling submission. Still, Piper asks the fans to give him thumbs up or thumbs down, and the entire crowd gives the thumbs down.

2. Meathead 2

The most positive thing I can say about this guy is that he at least wore jean shorts and no belt. He also wore army boots, but hey, you can't win 'em all when it comes to fashion choices. This guy slapped Piper and then threw some knees, so he at least got some offense, but then Piper put him in the sleeper, and he went night night. He also receives a unanimous thumbs down.

3. Meathead 3

Does this guy look familiar? That's because he is what would happen if Meathead 1 and Meathead 2 had a baby. He got Meathead 2's torso, but he got Meathead 1's pants. This guy never even made it into the ring, because this happened...

...which brings us to our next contestant.

4. Craig Mally

Craig Mally is my favorite guy involved in this. Partially because he knocked out Meathead 3 with a hilarious haymaker, but mostly because he wears comically large boxing gloves, and he gives Roddy Piper comically small boxing gloves. I mean, look at that image above. Mally is wearing boat oars at the end of his hand, and he gave Piper a pair of mittens. They "box" for a few minutes, but it's just wild haymakers and hammer fists as both guys fall all over the ring. Piper is impressed, so he asks the crowd if they are impressed, and they emphatically boo while giving the thumbs down. Piper thinks that an extra minute of this mess will change their mind. It does not, but Piper puts him on the team anyway, because he thought people would give a shit about an oversized glove cheap shot artist who they have never seen before.

5. Layton Morrison

This was probably my least favorite guy. He's a kickboxer, and a guy who likes to pick Piper up awkwardly. The highlight of the match is when Morrison picks Piper up and nearly depantses him, and Piper decides to call it a day and just announce him as part of the team while the crowd erupts in boos.

6. John Tenta

Hey, it's a real life pro wrestler. I would say that John Tenta is a guy who belongs in something like this. The only problem is that he's more of a guy you bring out as the first legit guy as part of your team, since he's big, and that's always impressive. But he's not a final guy for fans to get excited about, so he's kinda swingin' above his weight here. Still, the crowd was so sick of the endless parade of jobbers that they shot up to their feet to cheer on Earthquake, aka The Shark, aka John Tenta (aka Golga, but he saved that for the future). John Tenta wrestles Piper for a minute, until the other two team members come in the ring to attack him, and the crowd continues to give the thumbs down as Craig Mally swings wildly and Layton Morrison trips over his own feet.

Eventually, the segment ends, as the crew is set to take on the nWo in two weeks at Uncensored.

They were replaced by the Four Horsemen one week later.

I'm Still Mad About Roddy Piper Beating Hulk Hogan At Starrcade 96

I just finished up all the WCW Monday Nitros on WWE Network. First off, WWE, put up at least 1997, because being stuck at this stage is just killing me. It is killing me, because I just watched Starrcade 96, and Roddy Piper somehow got a clean victory where he put Hollywood Hogan to sleep. That is literally the most embarrassing way to lose a match. I thought I remembered this happening, but nearly 20 years later, I was still sick to my stomach watching Piper go clean over Hogan.

Piper is no doubt a legend in pro wrestling, but trying to build up Piper as Hogan's equal is the most asinine comparison in wrestling history. No wrestling fan in history ever saw Piper as Hogan's equal. There are so many guys that would be brought up as Hogan's rival in those days before Piper: Savage, Warrior, Flair, and Andre are at least worthy adversaries. Since Hogan was King of WWE at that time and Piper never had a singles feud against him, he's more on the level of guys like Mr. Perfect. That is not meant as an insult as both Piper and Mr. Perfect were incredible talents that had a ton of influence on the pro wrestling as a whole.

And it's not like Piper was ever a great champion. Yes, he did have the Intercontinental Title, a belt held by guys like Macho Man Randy Savage, Rick Rude, and the Ultimate Warrior. Of course, the title had taken a major step backwards by the time Piper won it, as he beat The Mountie to take the title. That's right, The Mountie.

I think Pat Patterson's win in that tournament in Brazil is a more legitimate run than Piper had. Credit where credit is due, Piper did have a nice run in the NWA where he won the US Title back when that title really meant something, but it never meant nearly as much as any of Hogan's title reigns.

Weirdly, the match wasn't for the title, which I'm not even sure was good, because it meant that the victory meant nothing except for Piper calling himself an icon in every sentence he spoke for the rest of his time in WCW. It was so brutal that I am getting physically ill bringing these memories back. This was well past the point where Piper brought his A-game on the microphone, and Hogan was rarely effective in public speaking, so it lead to a lot of moments that are tough to watch.

Piper may have been great, but he never deserved a clean victory over Hogan (he probably didn't even deserve a dirty win over Hogan). But credit where credit is due; They Live is one of the great films of the 1980s, and that will always give Piper a special place in my heart.

If you're looking for a tl;dr version of this story, this video perfectly sums it up:

The Only Thing I Want For Christmas Is The Hulkster Helmet

I keep looking up at that image, and I am at a loss for words. My brother notified me that this existed, and now it's all that I can think about, day and night. My wife tries telling me about her day, but I don't care about her day, I only care about this helmet.

I mean, look at that helmet. That is not the type of helmet you give to a World Champion. That is not the type of helmet you give to a functioning adult. That's the type of helmet you give to a little kid after he comes home from getting bullied the first time. You convince him that the helmet makes him look "tough," I mean, it does have a fist protruding out of the top of it.

If you ever needed proof that Hulk Hogan is the least cool person on the planet, this helmet is all you need (besides the whole racist thing; that was also very uncool). Maybe the best part is that Hulk Hogan called it his "War Bonnet," and gave Bad News Brown his first loss in WWE when he headbutted him (which, I guess is also a punch) and finished him off with the leg drop. Hulk Hogan was undefeated with his war bonnet.

So what I'm really trying to say is, this helmet is all I want for Christmas.

Hulk Hogan's Worst Insult

[Editor's Note: I originally wrote this before Hulk Hogan went all KKK on the world, so consider this the non-racist title of Hogan's worst insult.]

When Hulk Hogan joined the nWo, it was one of the most memorable moments in professional history. The purest babyface in wrestling history had gone heel and no longer cared about his Hulkamaniacs. He had gone Hollywood.

History often looks at Hogan as a great heel, because he was so hated. He actually did do a good job of wrestling as a heel, but this may have been that he already did a lot of heelish things in wrestling matches, but it was allowed, because he was Hulk Hogan. But when it comes to talking, Hulk Hogan may have been the worst heel in history.

You see, Hogan didn't quite understand insults or how to think on his feet. The latter has been made abundantly clear as time has gone on, as his in-ring promos are often repetitive and never seem to actually get to any sort of point. There is no greater example of this than when Hogan was getting set to fight Ric Flair at Clash of the Champions, and to help build the match, he came up with the ultimate insult.

He announced that he was no longer going to call Ric Flair by his name. Instead, he decided to demean Flair, and would only refer to him as, and brace yourself for this because it's a doozy, Hogan was going to call Flair, "The Stupid Little Man."

The Stupid Little Man.

The...Stupid...Little...Man.

Yep, that was his master insult. He really never figured out how the heel persona, but it's Hulk Hogan, and that's all that matters. If the man wants us to cheer, we will cheer. If he wants us to boo, we will boo, because for better or for worse, we are all Hulkamaniacs, and you're a stupid little man if you disagree.

Savio Vega Is Mr. In Your House

Shawn Michaels earned the moniker of Mr. WrestleMania as he put on a ton of legendary performances on the biggest stage of all. Now, I find it more than slightly debatable than The Hearbreak Kid is the true Mr. WrestleMania. Since I am a lifelong Hulkamaniac, I obviously put Hogan very high on the list, and Undertaker could definitely make a claim. Still, it got me thinking about who would be the guy known as the embodiment of other pay per views. After thinking about the impact that people had and what those PPVs meant, there was really only one clear choice to take that honor. And that is why Savio Vega is Mr. In Your House.

Think about it: In Your House is probably one of the worst PPVs that the WWE has ever had, and that sounds like I am demeaning Savio Vega. In a way, I am, but any PPV is better than no PPV, and although I was never a huge Savio Vega guy, it is better to have Savio Vega instead of nobody at all.

And don't get it twisted, this man made an impact at many of the In Your Houses. He debuted on it to help out Razor Ramon, and proceeded to personify a dark period in WWE history. Savio was a good guy, because the WWE decided you should cheer for him. He was an honorable dude, but he never really did anything. He was basically Rocky Maivia without the looks and charisma. He was the transitional WWE Superstar, to get people doing more important things, much like In Your House was a transitional PPV to get to something that was actually important.

He hung out with Santa Claus for In Your House 5, and Million Dollar Man tried to buy Savio, but Savio wouldn't let him, because of his belief in Santa Claus. Then Santa Claus attacked Savio, as he had been bought by Million Dollar Man. It turns out that it was actually Xanta Klaus, who is from the South Pole and steals presents. Xanta Claus lasted one other night, which is about the most In Your House thing possible.

If you think that was the end of his run against Million Dollar Man, you would be sorely mistaken. First, he lost to Stone Cold Steve Austin, but he vowed revenge in a Caribbean Strap Match. Ted DiBiase was so confident that he said he would retire if Savio won. Well, Mr. In Your House took it to Stone Cold and won the match to boot DiBiase over to WCW. Vega managed to do this a month before Stone Cold won the King of the Ring and began his ascension to superstardom. Stone Cold may have been great, but he was not Mr. In Your House.

Oh, and in one of the most In Your House things ever, he literally had the same feud with Justin "Hawk" Bradshaw that he did with Stone Cold in that Bradshaw won their first match, and then Vega beat him in a Caribbean Strap Match. Yes, Savio Vega could definitely be called, Mr. Caribbean Strap Match.

Instead, he became Mr. In Your House. A forgettable superstar matching a forgettable string of Pay Per Views. But In Your House was a Pay Per View, and Savio Vega was a WWE Superstar. Savio Vega embodies the importance of just making it there. His career may be forgettable for a WWE Superstar, but it is still more memorable than 99.9% of the general population. Mr. In Your House may not be Mr. WrestleMania, but it's still one hell of an impressive accomplishment.

The Debut of the New World Order

The nWo is probably my favorite big pro wrestling thing ever. I mean, yeah, who doesn't love the Katie Vick saga, and Dr. D David Schultz calling Hulk Hogan a cross-dressing homosexual? Those are great small things, but the nWo is the coolest thing that pro wrestling has ever provided us.

But before it became too big and was half-filled with jobbers like Vincent and Horace Hogan, even before Hulk Hogan turned heel for the first time, before Big Sexy, Kevin Nash, joined up, it all started with one man, Scott Hall.

Before Hall even showed up, it was already a momentous occasion, as it was the first ever two-hour Nitro. Two-hour Nitros are hilarious in that no matter what is going on, they will shoot off fireworks the second that hour two starts. They literally just start blowing off fireworks in the middle of matches every other week, because they don't know how to time things out.

It was a solid show, but it was given an exclamation point with the appearance from Scott Hall. Not only did Hall make a surprise appearance, but he came out in jeans and a denim vest to let everyone that he is BOUT DAT LIFE.

Hall actually did a great job of making it seem like he was still with WWE. He made WCW seem white trash while referring to Billionaire Ted, Nacho Man, and Scheme Gene, names that all came from WWE's worst long-running gimmick ever, instead of using their real names.

I will say that Scott Hall struggled more when he confronted the announce team of Eric Bischoff and Bobby Heenan as he keeps repeating himself as he doesn't quite get his lines right the first time. Still, Bischoff and especially Heenan do a great job of selling it.

The next week, he shows up in the same Canadian Business Casual look. He basically says the same thing again, but this time Sting slaps him. He then says that he has a big surprise, and the rest, as they say, is history. Overall, it was a memorable first step, which led to one of the most iconic stables in wrestling history.

Oh, and if you're wondering what was going on at the same time on Raw. WWE competed with Goldust making out with Ahmed Johnson. That is the 100% truth, so...yeah, the Attitude Era, a true golden age of wrestling.

Tough Enough Is Hot Garbage, And I Can't Stop Watching It

I have watched every episode of Tough Enough this season. I don't know why I have done this, because this show is hot garbage. They manage to not do anything well. Somehow no group of people have really come across as likable or interesting in this show. And yet I watch week after week. I am an idiot. I understand that I like pro wrestling, but I don't like pro wrestling enough to justify this. This is awful. But I may as well get a blog post out of it and break down each group of people, and point out who is the worst of the worst, and, even though it is not anything to hang your hat on, who sucks the least.

The Hosts

Worst of the Worst - Chris Jericho

This hurts, because I am a devoted Jerichoholic. Chris Jericho will probably forever be one of my five favorite wrestlers of all time. His best was as good as anybody's in sports entertainment. But man, he makes me very uncomfortable as a host. Everything just seems forced with him, and he rarely looks comfortable. If he isn't forcing himself into tight clothing, he is trying to force a smile, and neither looks like an enjoyable experience. Jericho is a natural entertainer, but he is proof that hosting is not as easy as it looks.

Best of the Worst - Renee Young

Renee Young actually does a nice job with things, but this show doesn't need a whole lot of hosting, so having two hosts is pretty dumb. I would lean towards keeping Renee since she's much more natural, and she made me laugh pretty hard when she gave the Gabi the side-eye after she got eliminated. 

The Judges

Worst of the Worst - Hulk Hogan

(Note: I actually wrote this a day before the controversy from late last week, and compared to that, Tough Enough has not even made a dent in his legacy, but I don't want to get into anything that important in what is essentially just my stupid thoughts on a crappy reality show. The silver lining of all of this is that he's no longer going to be a judge, so, yay?)
This is why this show is such garbage. It makes the wrestlers I loved growing up seem way less likable. Hulk tries to do the damn yes chant every time Daniel Bryan is introduced, and in his mind, he probably thinks he's putting over Bryan, but he's that old guy who is still trying to act cool instead of realizing it's way cooler to just understand that you're an adult so you don't have to worry about acting cool anymore. Childhood Me loves you, Hulk Hogan, but to ensure that love, I'd like to see you less.

Best of the Worst - Daniel Bryan

Compared to most people, I am not that big of a Daniel Bryan fan. I like him; but I don't see him as the greatest pro wrestling thing that has ever come into existence, so that puts me in the minority. Still, the guy is incredibly likable, and as Enzo Amore would say, "Ya can't teach that." He's definitely the most consistently good thing about the show, and he was part of my favorite moment of the season, but we'll get to that later.

The Ladies

Worst of the Worst - Gabi

Gabi didn't know what a promo was, so she did terrible in that challenge (Warning: This is painful to watch). 

Then she never learned what a promo was after that. At least she got cut.

Best of the Worst - Amanda
I know everyone would expect me to say Sara Lee, but I'm not going to. Sara Lee hasn't really shown much of anything, but she has a couple things going for her. She seems nice, and she's just plain enough that the average wrestling fan thinks they have a shot with her, even though she is way, way too hot for the average wrestling fan. Amanda is probably the best looking one left, and she has done pretty well in most challenges, so she deserves to go far, but she'll be ousted the first time they put her in the bottom three.

The Dudes
Worst of the Worst - ZZ
You can be a fat guy and be a successful professional wrestler, but the fat guys who succeed aren't just random fat guys with some good luck. They're athletes, and their cardio is off the charts. ZZ does not have this going for him as he consistently gets blown out in every physical challenge and doesn't have much of a concept of what a pro wrestler is, and I don't think the WWE needs a Eugene character without any wrestling ability. ZZ is just a fat guy who is out of shape and just wants to make children smile. He would make an ideal Mall Santa.

Best of the Worst - Tanner
In any competition that is not MMA, I will always root for the MMA guy, so Tanner was my guy from the start. I knew he would destroy people in anything involving cardio, and he has done that. Not only that, he destroyed the police in a course that they had trained to excel in. Most importantly, he realized that he's not the most dynamic character, so instead of trying to develop charisma, he's just trying to hit on the ladies of the house. Also, his actions led to the best moment of the show when he basically tricked Chelsea into kissing him. The judges reaction was important as Paige and Hulk were rambling about how it was awkward, weak, and he had no game. Finally, Daniel Bryan, the voice of reason, finally pipes in, and says, "I thought it was pretty smooth...he got the kiss." Was it a total scumbag maneuver? Of course it was, but nobody got hurt, so it worked. It was a smooth move, and I'm glad Daniel Bryan pointed that out.

As you can see, this show is not good. Even some of the bests only get half-hearted praise, because the show is pretty half-hearted in its delivery. It's really an awful show, and yes, I will continue to watch.