Thursday, February 26, 2015

Suits Power Rankings - #SaveDonna

Suits keeps Suiting along in that they are lawyers who love to prematurely celebrate cases that they haven't won yet. It is especially embarrassing as they love to skirt the law, and go from getting big money from their clients to having their firm ripped apart at the seams. So that's happening again. But maybe this will have a happy ending. You can find my one tweet rankings from last week here. This week's rankings may be short, but it's not the size of the blog post, it's the emotion caused by the notions as I plan on taking my readers on an island of innuendos.

1. Rachel Zane
Since we're keeping it sexy this week, there is no better #1 than Rachel Zane. She randomly pointed to a paper to find the one name that would sue the train company that Mike hadn't thought about. With fingers like those, I'm surprised she keeps Mike around.

2. Harvey Specter
Harvey seems to have a thing for sexy lawyer ladies with dude's names. First Scottie, now Evan, I predict his next love interest will be Butch, both in name and in lifestyle; I mean, this is a guy who wants what he can't have. Unfortunately, Harvey is very uneducated that it is a buyer's market when it comes to secretaries, so he has to do everything he can to keep Donna. Also, he told Donna that he loves her, but I'm scissors deep on my Butch idea, so I'm hoping they cut it out with the Donna/Harvey love angle.

3. Evan Smith
Sexy lawyer lady is like O-Town: She wants it all...or nothing at all. She ends up helping her client, but a secretary doesn't go to jail. I feel like she's going to be okay with this. She'll probably even brag about it to her boyfr...oh, wait, Harvey zinged her into asexuality. Tough break.

4. Jeff Malone
Once he broke up with Jessica, he wasn't sure of his future, kind of like being on a 10-day contract all over again. But instead of taking a flyer on a liar, he took his man-vine to the unemployment line.

5. Mike Ross
Mike hands out his word like he hands out his number at a strip club, and both lead to him getting an itch that he just can't scratch. He could have made millions in a settlement. Instead, he had to drop his suit and his firm had to pay out hundreds of thousands of dollars to take over pension payments for a couple of ol' fashioned train workers.

6. Terrance Wolf
Terrance is clearly not a ladies man, as intent is not the same as committing the deed. Even if you have intent to cause an orgasm, taking a nap on top of her instead is not the same thing.

7. Louis Marlo Litt
Louis loves two things: Donnas and saunas, which is odd as going to the latter and thinking about the former get him to the same place: Toweling himself off while crying alone.

8. Jessica Pearson
Lost her bae, probably wishes she had Rachel's fingers.

9. Donna Paulsen
She is a liar, but luckily a bunch of working class people getting screwed out of millions of dollars and a company being able to continue to kill people is all it took for her to walk free. I really don't have any sexy words for Donna, so here's a video instead.


  1. I've just installed iStripper, and now I can watch the sexiest virtual strippers on my taskbar.

    1. Are they really the sexiest? Because I installed eStripper, which said they definitely had the sexiest virtual strippers in the land of taskbars. Clearly, somebody is lying here, and judging by the sexiness of my virtual strippers, I feel that someone is you.


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