Suits Power Rankings - #SuitsFinale

And so we have reached that time, another Suits season is in the books. Since they split these seasons into small little bursts of episodes, I think this is the end of season 56. You can check out my recap of the penultimate episode here. It has been a great run, and there is no better way to pay homage to the best show about lawyers playing with my first ever power rankings done entirely in Haiku.

1. Harvey Specter
From hot shot lawyer
To being the grizzled vet
He has ev'rything.

2. Donna Paulsen 
Hunts for young lawyers
The best barista around
Never pays for drink.

3. Rachel Zane
No one respects her.
She tries exposing secrets.
Now she's got a ring.

4. Mike Ross
Has a hot GF
Decides to drop to one knee.
Uh, Mike, that's her job.

5. Marcus Specter
Just a simple man.
With a PokerStars account.
Damn offshore gambling.

6. Sean Cahill
Have you seen the cash?
Hey man, where's all that cheddar?
Can't find the money.

7. Charles Forstman
Screws people over.
"Shoe's gonna be on the other foot"
is what losers say.

8. Jessica Pearson
She's running her firm
Because that is all she's got
And lots of dresses.

9. Louis Marlo Litt
Louis has to grieve
Better to have battle-axe
Than just an axe wound.

10. Jeff Malone
A true mailman
Jeff knew how to deliver
Never on Sundays.

11. Eric Woodall 
Woodall has problems.
Joke about mental illness?
I think I will pass.

12. Norma
Norma, oh Norma
It is time to go to work.
Death is no excuse

Suits Power Rankings - #SaveDonna

Suits keeps Suiting along in that they are lawyers who love to prematurely celebrate cases that they haven't won yet. It is especially embarrassing as they love to skirt the law, and go from getting big money from their clients to having their firm ripped apart at the seams. So that's happening again. But maybe this will have a happy ending. You can find my one tweet rankings from last week here. This week's rankings may be short, but it's not the size of the blog post, it's the emotion caused by the notions as I plan on taking my readers on an island of innuendos.

1. Rachel Zane
Since we're keeping it sexy this week, there is no better #1 than Rachel Zane. She randomly pointed to a paper to find the one name that would sue the train company that Mike hadn't thought about. With fingers like those, I'm surprised she keeps Mike around.

2. Harvey Specter
Harvey seems to have a thing for sexy lawyer ladies with dude's names. First Scottie, now Evan, I predict his next love interest will be Butch, both in name and in lifestyle; I mean, this is a guy who wants what he can't have. Unfortunately, Harvey is very uneducated that it is a buyer's market when it comes to secretaries, so he has to do everything he can to keep Donna. Also, he told Donna that he loves her, but I'm scissors deep on my Butch idea, so I'm hoping they cut it out with the Donna/Harvey love angle.

3. Evan Smith
Sexy lawyer lady is like O-Town: She wants it all...or nothing at all. She ends up helping her client, but a secretary doesn't go to jail. I feel like she's going to be okay with this. She'll probably even brag about it to her boyfr...oh, wait, Harvey zinged her into asexuality. Tough break.

4. Jeff Malone
Once he broke up with Jessica, he wasn't sure of his future, kind of like being on a 10-day contract all over again. But instead of taking a flyer on a liar, he took his man-vine to the unemployment line.

5. Mike Ross
Mike hands out his word like he hands out his number at a strip club, and both lead to him getting an itch that he just can't scratch. He could have made millions in a settlement. Instead, he had to drop his suit and his firm had to pay out hundreds of thousands of dollars to take over pension payments for a couple of ol' fashioned train workers.

6. Terrance Wolf
Terrance is clearly not a ladies man, as intent is not the same as committing the deed. Even if you have intent to cause an orgasm, taking a nap on top of her instead is not the same thing.

7. Louis Marlo Litt
Louis loves two things: Donnas and saunas, which is odd as going to the latter and thinking about the former get him to the same place: Toweling himself off while crying alone.

8. Jessica Pearson
Lost her bae, probably wishes she had Rachel's fingers.

9. Donna Paulsen
She is a liar, but luckily a bunch of working class people getting screwed out of millions of dollars and a company being able to continue to kill people is all it took for her to walk free. I really don't have any sexy words for Donna, so here's a video instead.

Suits Power Rankings - #SuitsRoadTrip

I'm getting to things late this week, so no time for a drawn out intro, especially since it's a flashback episode. Instead, I'm going to make these my most positive rankings by pointing out every character's best features. Last week's rankings can be found here. Let's get to this week where one of the most important characters makes his triumphant comeback...through a flashback.

1. Louis Litt
Louis won a fight. Louis...won...a...fight. All law victories take a backseat, all life victories can sit bitch. This is the only victory that matters.

2. Mike Ross 
Mike preyed on law students by outlawyering them. Mystery couldn't pick up a law school student, yet Mike made it a hobby. Baller.

3. Donna Paulsen 
Donna doesn't follow her own rules, because her rules are made to be broken. Oh yeah, and she also signed MICHAEL JORDAN. Also, she's probably smart enough to know that his best shot was his game winner over Byron Russell, as it was the last shot in his career and won a championship (as far as I'm concerned, he never played anywhere but Chicago).

4. Daniel Hardman 
I wanted him to be number one so bad, and had this been for lawyering by your own rules, he likely would've been, but this is a week of positives, and nobody was topping Louis this week on that front. HARDMAN pits his lawyers against each other, as he loves the puppet show and uses that show to land a company three times as big as the one he sent his puppets after. As positive as all of that was, HARDMAN's greatest moment was calling Harvey an arrogant, little boy.

5. Harvey Specter 
I admire Harvey making people earn music by entertaining him. This is a good road trip rule. Made a very good choice of having thousands of fake yearbooks made up to fit any situation. If I were going to do that, I would have only changed all of the ladies' quotes to focus on what a great lover I was, but to each their own.

6. Mike Ross's Wrestling Opponents 
After watching Mike fight, it's pretty clear that all of his wrestling opponents had the easiest match ever, as the guy gets thrown around like a ragdoll by Louis, so I'm sure he led to the quickest pins of their career.

7. Rachel Zane 
She's hotter than Khaleesi's translator, but that thought probably inspired about 10,000 pieces of crossover fanfiction, most of which are being written by me.

8. Jessica Pearson 
She's at the top of the best law firm in New York, because she sees the bigger picture.

9. Claire 
She fell for all of Mike's demonstrations of higher value, but as all ladies know who have been seduced by me, it is a privilege to be picked up by a genuine pickup artist.

10. Immigration Lawyer Guy 
Has friends at Columbia. I'm guessing it's Jessie Spano.

11. Edith Ross
With age comes wisdom, and that G knew what was up when it came to T-Money.

12. Avery McKernan 
He values loyalty and makes nice engines.

13. Dude Who Buys Manhattans For Random Ladies
Hey, he's got a job, so he can afford to buy drinks. Good for him.

14. Trevor Evans
Got a kickass place with his best bud. The good times are never going to end for this young go-hard.

Suits Power Rankings - Respect

Let's face it. All that really happened last week was Louis becoming a name partner. Yes, there were ups and downs and highs and lows in between there, but it only lead to possibilities of other things happening. Instead of a quick recap, I want to focus on some career advice for all the young go-hards out there. Something that Suits has taught me is that hotshot lawyers (and likely just hotshots in general) love rooftops. It's where business gets done. I know there are a lot of people currently struggling to find jobs. May I suggest hanging out on a rooftop and waiting for name partners to have high level conversations? I mean, it doesn't happen often, but the rooftop probably can get some sort of Wifi, so it's basically just as effective as hanging out in your Mom's basement, and you get some fresh air. It's truly a win-win situation. Now, let's move onto this week's rankings where things get a little kinky:

1. Mike Ross - Mike has gotten much tougher this season. He's no longer being shit upon like he's an actress in a German film. Instead, he's fighting back against people if he feels they are not making the right decisions. He convinced Harvey to take the case and was such a hardass on Professor Girard that he breaks him before he testifies. That's some strong lawyerin' right there. Then Mike puts poor Ian in his place for trying to buy a grade. He really took no prisoners and was correct in every one of his calls. If he keeps this up, it's just a matter of time before it's Pearson Specter Litt Malone Gunderson Ross. 

2. Rachel Zane - She takes the high road in dealing with Louis who continually shits on her (metaphorically). Rachel finds the one thing that can save Louis with Joan Walsh, and she shoves it in his stupid face. Both Mike and Rachel showed much stronger characteristics, so maybe they can be the dynamic duo of lawyers without law degrees. Although the law may disagree, being a lawyer is not about getting a degree and passing the Bar; it's about the fire that burns inside of you to break people's wills (and usually the law as well) while looking fancy and making references to movies. Rachel gets it, and she's on her way to the top.

3. Harvey Specter - He always wanted the respect of Professor Girard. But Harvey couldn't savor his old professor asking him for help, because he was only doing it because Harvey wins, not because he is a good lawyer. Yes, those are somehow two separate things in this world where lawyers love to play by their own rules. Harvey eventually takes the case, because Girard may be a dick, but he's an honorable dick, like if Ron Jeremy's penis somehow got a law degree. Unfortunately, it turns out he's more like a part of Cytherea's cleanup crew, a scumbag. Harvey finally gets Henry Girard's respect, which is all he really wanted, but he paid $25,000 to get it. You can't buy respect; you've got to earn it. Did he learn nothing from Top Gun?

4. Garrett Brady - Garrett Brady is a fascinating character. He paid off TSA agents to get classified information in order to take down Gerard. What we know is that Girard was innocent of any wrongdoing in regards to the case, but Brady obsessively stalked down Professor Girard's comings and goings and questioned everyone until he could find a nugget that he would pay for to bring him down. Since there was no evidence, he did all of this on a hunch. If these power rankings were for detective work, he would deserve a spot at the top, but this is for lawyers, and he still lost the case (but wisely did not buy Harvey any falafel), so he could only go so high on this list.

5. Professor Henry Girard - This guy is basically the worst poker player ever. He doesn't even know how many Queens are in a deck, so nobody is ever going to buy his story that he won his money gambling. Instead, he won it the old fashioned way, as part of a bribe from one of his students. He didn't stop victims from getting paid, so he is ethical, but he also changed a student's grade for money, so he's not ethical? This reminds me of the classic law case, Black v. White. In the settlement, both sides compromised and agreed to a "gray" area. Either way, Girard ended up with his money, and he can still act high and mighty about his ethics.

6. Jeff Malone - Picked up takeout food by himself, and got full credit for cooking a meal. That's efficiency right there. It must have felt like that 1989-90 season where he had his highest player efficiency rating of 18.5. Ah, the good ol' days.

7. Donna Paulsen - Donna is the sensible one. She tries talking sense into Harvey, but his feelings were hurt that his old professor didn't like him. Then she steals a client from him to give to Louis. She then calls Louis "fatty baldy" in what has to be the worst insult of all time. I would expect wit sharp enough to cut diamonds from Donna. Instead her wit was so stinky, the only thing she was cutting was cheese. Still, Donna is all about the team, and she has to put Louis in his place to teach him a valuable lesson. She had some swagger back, but her insult game still needs work.

8. Jessica Pearson - I could throw Jessica under the bus for succumbing to Louis's demands in order to keep her relationship, because there is really no reason for Louis to expose Mike's secret to anyone else, because he would also be exposed to criminal charges, but whatever. Instead, here are things Jessica likes: Rooftop meetings, a Cuban restaurant, and paper plates. It seems she also likes Jeff Malone, but she may just like wearing his old Washington Bullets jersey as a nighty.

9. Joan Walsh - Joan loves dogs and lawyer jokes, but she does not appreciate stupidity, and Louis brought that in abundance to their dinner. Still, Joan has some serious self-esteem issues. Jessica gave her to name partner Harvey who later gave her to name partner Louis. It has only happened twice, and you still got switched to a name partner. You're a wonderful woman, Joan, and I'd love to have a fancy dinner with you (as long as you pick up the check). 

10. Louis Marlo Litt - Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Last week, he was number one, and now the only person lower than him can't even pass a college course in law. Louis really wanted the Girard case, but Girard wanted a lawyer who wouldn't play by the rules. It's a lesson that Louis is still learning as the only reason he became a partner is due to his shady backroom dealings. Since Louis can't get Girard, he settles for Joan Walsh, who he promises to impress with legal domination. Unfortunately, he instead of just enjoying a lovely dinner with a friendly client, he performs metaphorical bestiality and screws the pooch by sharing too much information with the board of directors. His only boss move was making Rachel get up to hand him the files, but even that gets cancelled out as he needs her help to clean up his mess. 

11. Ian - He gets punked out by Mike Ross. Looks like another year of law school for you, nerd. 

Suits Power Rankings - Enough is Enough

Another season of Suits is upon us (or second half of a season, it's tough to keep track), and as we enter this time, I think about what I like so much about Suits. Some people really like the lawyerin', and I have to admit there is some darn good lawyerin' going on. They basically never lose a case. Some people like it for the good looking people, and I have to admit, there are some pretty foxy ladies and some pretty fly dudes on this show. But for me, it's the side characters that make this show. Remember HARDMAN? HARDMAN was my jam. And then there's Scotty. She basically combined those three great things about the show in one single petite package, and Harvey is an idiot for letting her go. Finally, there's Harold. I loved Harold. I love Harold. I will never stop loving Harold. The bad news about this episode is there is an extreme lack of side characters, the good news is that one of the above people is mentioned and another shows up, and I hope that special princess never leaves us again (Weirdly, I could be talking about Scotty or Harold). Anyway, let's get on to the rankings.

1. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis finally has what he has always wanted: Name Partner. But Louis is finding out that it's lonely at the top, especially when you shit all over everyone who you were once friends with, because they wouldn't tell you their secrets. He wants to throw everyone in the garbage instead of opening his heart and letting the love inside. He got to shit on Mike for a while, but that wasn't good enough so he started shitting on Rachel to really stick it to Mike. That's just good lawyerin' on Louis's part as you have to attack your opponent's weakness. He was even nasty to Donna. Poor Donna, who has genuine affection for Louis has been shut out. That is still the relationship with the most hope as Donna told Louis that she had sex with Harvey once, which apparently is a question Louis wanted an answer to? Hey, nobody ever said Louis was an easy guy to explain. 

Also, he acts like a dick when getting announced as Name Partner. Why? Because he can. That's the best part of being a name partner. It's a real pain to change a firm's name. I mean, it's not like the place has a history of kicking out name partners...oh yeah, Pearson HARDMAN. Well, like they always say, history never repeats itself. Aw, crap; it's the opposite? Well, I'm sure everything will still work out for Louis despite him signing a document that says he should go to jail if anyone ever finds out about Mike Ross. 

2. Rachel Zane - Yes, Rachel did get lambasted by Louis, but she got her bae to take care of things. And when she wanted to get something done, she got the job done. She did a ton of paperwork, which isn't all that impressive. But she also got Katrina Bennett a job with her father. And most importantly, she got freaky on company time. Those are billable hours, which might make her a prostitute, but I will always respect the world's oldest profession as it shows good hustle.

3. Robert Zane - Zane is being set up as the big bad guy this season. He knows something is up at Pearson Specter Litt, but he isn't going to say anything? Yeah, I doubt that, especially when the thing that is up involves his daughter's bae. Outside of that, all we know is he loves to say "Come onnn" in a less rapey Bill Cosby sort of way.

4. Dana Scott - "SCOTTY IS BACK!" was the first thing that popped in my head when Harvey went to meet with her. And before I knew it, she was gone again leaving nothing behind but a promise to settle with Robert Zane. We'll miss you, Sweet Princess. Godspeed.

5. Jeff Malone - He knows that something is up. He hasn't seen a team this chaotic since that 88-89 Washington Bullets team that failed to make the playoffs despite his 24.6 points per game. He wants the truth from his lady, and even though she admitted to some shady dealings from her past, Jeff is still suspicious, like he's watching a magician levitate.

6. Katrina Amanda Bennett - Katrina was promised a job at Pearson Specter Litt, but she might have a job with Robert Zane. So I don't really know what she has going on, but it seems promising that she has some sort of job. As a frequently unemployed person, I feel good that she has a job. New York is expensive.

7. Harvey Specter - It was a pretty sad weak for Harvey. Even his inspirational story didn't quite make sense. He talked about how the conditioning drills were designed to break him, and he broke every day, but he never quit. Um...then the drills didn't break you. To break you, you would have had to quit. That's the essence of breaking someone. He then has to convince Scotty to settle her case as a favor to Robert Zane. He gets what he wants, but it's pretty clear that him and Scotty are never getting back together. Since Harvey is a single guy and he really wants to put Louis in his place, isn't the next move obvious? He MUST make a sex tape with Sheila Sass and show it at the next board meeting. Until he does that (or something else as awesome), he's going to have a hard time reaching the top of these rankings.

8. Jessica Pearson - For the lead dog at the firm, she sure seems to have to pick up a lot more shit than she leaves around the place. Louis gives her two big scoops of shit, and even though he is forced to ask like a civilized person in the end, it doesn't really make up for all the crap that Jessica had to take. Even Mike shit on her when she tried to make him do extra work. Also, she hired nearly an entire firm of dumb lawyers. Robert Zane heard about things from the outside and knew that something funky was going down at the firm, yet the only person not in the inner circle that suspected anything was Jeff Malone.  She is forced to tell a truth to her bae, but not the truth to her bae. As we know, lies to significant others never eventually blow up in people's faces.

9. Mike Ross - Mike was able to get Rachel to fall in love with him, but Louis is proving to be the muse that is beyond his charm. Luckily, the stress has helped him grow a pair of balls, so he stopped taking shit from Jessica for being a lawyer without a law degree. Unfortunately, his heroic effort to stick up for his lady just led to Louis putting him in his place as opposed to any change. He played by the rules, and even though Louis can no longer abuse him, I still can't put him high in these rankings.

10. Donna Paulsen - Donna tries to save her friendship with Louis by weirdly letting him into her sexual life, but luckily, not into her sexually. Donna is so wise, yet she does not understand that friendships with the opposite sex rarely survive as there is always one half that wants to have sex with the other. Again, I just want Donna to get a boyfriend. She deserves to find love.

Suits Power Rankings: This Is Rome

Today, I bid farewell to Suits, as last night was the Summer Season Finale. What actually happened last night? Not much, really. Harvey has all of his clients. Mike is a boy wonder. Louis is looking for work still. Oh, and Katrina got fired, although I have a sneaking suspicion that we may have not seen the last of her. Although Louis does not have a job, he is trying to become a name partner at Pearson Specter due to some leverage that he now possesses (we'll get into that later), but it made me think to do things a little differently this week. Instead of judging everyone's performance from last night, I am going to rank the 20 best possibilities for name partner at Pearson Specter. Since Jessica and Harvey are immediately eliminated, all you really need to know is that Harvey needs to get his legs into his punching if he is ever going to tap into his power potential, and Jessica probably would have been ranked number one, as I'm shocked she doesn't need a wheelbarrow for her enormous balls. For last week's rankings, click here. But now onto the rankings for potential name partner, in reverse order:

21. Amy - She doesn't have a last name, so she is immediately disqualified. 

20. Eric Woodall - He is going to jail, although it is not for the crimes he committed with Charles Forstman. No, unfortunately, Eric Woodall committed the worst crime of all: Not being handsome. That shit don't fly at Pearson Specter. 

19. Charles Forstman - I am currently reading The Divide, which is an incredible book about injustice when it comes to the wealth gap. Rich people don't go to prison, no matter what they do, so Forstman is definitely not going to jail. Still, I have to downgrade him as it seems like a significant step backwards in his career to join a law firm, when he does investments and has way more money than anybody at Pearson Specter. 

18. Jared Franklin - His numbers since becoming a name partner are very poor. He couldn't even get an interview at Pearson Specter. 

17. Robert Zane - Zane is best as a loner. If he scratches your back, he expects you to lick his butthole. He doesn't need partners, and Pearson Specter doesn't need him.

16. Katrina Bennett - Katrina's allegiances are to Louis. Unfortunately, if you want to make name partner, you need to pledge allegiance to yourself. She is out of a job for now, and something tells me she will not be bouncing from the halfway house to the penthouse suite.

15. Jonathan Sidwell - Although he does not have Forstman money, he still has a whole lot more than lawyers do. He's an investment banker, which means he has steak dinner when he is being frugal. He's too rich for Pearson Specter.

14. Walter Gillis - Has no law background, but he does have a lot of money. He is looking for a purpose, so I'm not sure if he would outright deny it. His money could bring in some high-profile clients, which definitely could add value to the firm. Still, he hates Harvey, I'm guessing he would hate Jessica, so he's probably good staying out of their business. 

13. Peter Bash - He is promising but constant surf trips would set a poor precedent for the rest of the firm.

12. Logan Sanders - I know what you're thinking. He also has so much money that he has no need to work at Pearson Specter, even if he was a name partner, but this is the ultimate power move to get Rachel back. He could immediately fire Mike Ross, because him and Jessica would outvote Harvey on the issue. Rachel could quit at that point, but considering that Pearson Specter agreed to pay for her tuition as long as she does continue to work there, she is basically stuck. Then it is just time to let the romance progress. Unfortunately, as far as I know, Logan is not any sort of lawyer, and he really brings no benefit to the firm, but it would be pretty sweet revenge for him if he could pull it off.

11. Sheila Sass - She broke Louis's heart, which definitely earns her bonus points with Harvey and Jessica as they are not huge fans of Louis after he tried to steal clients from them. But, ultimately, she's an Admissions Counselor. She is an Admissions Counselor who plays by her own rules, which I respect. If Harvey and Jessica ran a brothel, I think Sheila would be a great candidate for name partner, but at a law firm, she lacks the background necessary to succeed.

10. Donna Paulsen - Although she is an impeccable marksman, er markswoman, there are definitely some holes in her game. The lack of law degree is obvious, but the fact that Jessica threatens to fire her anytime is a suggestion is a much bigger hindrance. Although her and Harvey are very close, he likes to keep her a step below him, so he will keep her as his assistant to assert his power in their relationship.

9. Mike Ross - Jessica did hate him, but she did start to warm up to him a little bit. Obviously, Harvey would do backflips with this decision. He is definitely one of the top lawyers in the firm, so he has a lot of things going for him. Still, if he becomes a name partner, that is going to bring media attention, and that is just too big of a risk to take. He has a ceiling on his career as a lawyer, and name partner is far beyond that ceiling.

8. Michael Phelps - Refused to sign with Harvey, which takes tremendous balls. He did sign with another lawyer from the firm, but that lawyer has since left. I'm not sure if he is still with the firm, but anybody who says no immediately has Jessica's respect. The lack of a law degree hurts, but when they compete with other law firms in the big Judicial Swim Meet, they are sure to take first place. And yes, that is enough to give him a better shot at being name partner than Mike Ross.

7. Daniel HARDMAN - They tried this once before; it did not end well. But goddamn, HARDMAN was so awesome.

6. Rachel Zane - So Rachel isn't a lawyer yet, and she seems to not even be that good of an associate either, but she does have one huge advantage. People might think it was her Dad, which would probably help them sign clients. The business would be too embarrassed to backtrack once they found out the truth. Still, it seems unlikely.

5. Jeff Malone - So Jeff Malone came in like a total badass, but then he turned into a Real Munson. He's got to be this high as he somehow has Harvey's respect and Jessica's love. Also, now that he's a corporate lawyer, you just know that he puts on his business card, "The Mailman Always Delivers" even though he is the weaker of the Malone brothers. You're not Karl, Jeff, stop pretending to be. Despite all that, if Jessica and Harvey decided on their own to have another name partner, he's probably the lead dog, but that only makes him the most likely candidate, not the best.

4. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis had his balls chopped off for this entire season, so it was good to see him get his fire back for this final episode. He tried to get his clients by being nice, and then he tried stealing, but finally he had to resort to brute force, and luckily for him, he had the leverage to out power the people in his way. Louis finally figured out that Mike did not go to Harvard. He exploded on everyone in his path, and now he is hoping that his nuclear bomb leads nothing but peril, pain, and a partnership. Unfortunately, all that leverage does not even get him in the top three of possible candidates, but fourth is still a very strong showing. 

3. Dana Scott - Please. 

Pretty please. 

No? Okay, but still Dana Scott would be an incredible choice. Smart, sexy as all get out, and great lawyering experience. Had she not made Harvey one of her bangpieces, she might be number one, but she left that fool behind. Hence, no name partnership for her.

2. Sean Cahill - Obviously I have been singing the praises of Cahill all season and deservedly so. Cahill was the first person to compete against Harvey while not breaking the rules. He bent rules to the verge of their absolute breaking point, but he always managed to keep things clean. He earned Harvey's respect and left Jessica speechless. Clearly, they are enamored with this gentleman, and who could blame them? You know why large companies get away with whatever they want? Because they have a team of lawyers and nobody from the government wants to deal with that. Meanwhile, this Sean Cahill SOB doesn't just sue a large company, he sues a large law firm. You know what law firms are filled with? Lawyers. Cahill is like a honey badger in that he simply does not give a fuck. The balls on this guy, good lord. Plus, his tax fraud joke would kill at the Pearson Specter Cahill Christmas Party. He is everything you would want in a name partner. Well, everything except...

1. Harold Jakowski Gunderson- Harold. The number one answer is always Harold. 

Sounds like partnership material to me. Long live Harold. Oh, and sorry about your girlfriend, Mike, but Harold's gotta Harold.

Suits Power Rankings - Gone

So the Suits Power Rankings are a little bit later than normal. This was caused by two lawyers who also try to play by their own rules: Jared Franklin and Peter Bash. I don't know how law firms work in Los Angeles, but in New York, people are held to a higher standard. While the lawyers of Pearson Specter are handling international cases and Michael Jordan, the lawyers of Infeld Daniels Franklin and Bash are handling pot smokers and storage unit disputes. All of this is the long way of saying that I am officially out on Franklin and Bash until they bring back the hot tub. Meanwhile, I am all in and Jessica, Harvey, and the rest of the gang at Pearson Specter, even though I have had to go this whole summer without any Harold. You can check out last week's rankings here, but now onto this week where lawyers gotta lawyer.

1. Jessica Pearson - Jessica is being nice to Louis's face, but she plans on firing him at her earliest convenience, which is just so stone cold of her. I loved it. You gotta trim the fat if you want to be the best. This is true in her personal life as well. Jeff wanted to go out for dinner, but Jessica has a budget, so she made them order in. Fiscal responsibility is often overlooked, but I appreciate her frugal behavior. She does get busted for having a relationship with Jeff, but that was probably caused by Jeff Malone pulling a Michael Scott and emailing everyone at the SEC nudie pics of Jessica. In the end, Jessica didn't even have to trouble herself to fire Louis. She had Harvey go and do it, and even he was too late, as Jessica put the fear of god into Louis, so he left before he could be forced out. Bravo to Jessica, who showed that she has the biggest stones, fellas included, in the entire firm. 

2. Sean Cahill - He was busy on the day of Harvey's birthday party, because he is quite the New York socialite, and by socialite, I mean he has pre-filled his calendar to "have beers with bros night" every night. Then Cahill totally outlawyered Mike and Harvey and knew to look for the money in the transaction. Finally, he showed that he is an honorable man and earned Harvey's respect by sending his own boss to jail. Pearson Specter has to hire Cahill, right? He's perfect. He could replace Louis, hire Harold as his associate and RULE THE WORLD.

3. Harvey Specter - Harvey should never try to meet with Forstman, as it always ends badly for him. He again tried to threaten Chuck (what his good friends call him), but Chuck just sat back, relaxed, and told Harvey to screw himself so he could enjoy the end of his cigar in peace. Things were looking pretty grim as earlier Cahill told him that he would not make it to his birthday party, which means nobody from outside of Pearson Specter will be there. Cahill is also owning him in the courtroom until finally others swoop in with a master plan, while Harvey gets to take the main credit. He does show some compassion for Louis, as he tries to save his job, but it is too late, and he is a best man left without a groom. 

4. Louis Marlo Litt - Oh, Louis. You sad, pathetic, emotional loser. You used to be strong and virile, a man to be feared, but now everyone just pities you, because you have nothing. But don't give up, Louis, some people need to get Litt up. Go and get your woman. Sheila and you should be together. Sheila and you need to be together. It is time to show her what the initials LML really stand for, Love Me Longtime.

5. Charles Forstman - Forstman likes to finish his cigars in peace. It would be so much better if he liked to enjoy them in piece, and he was about to chop that thing up and throw them in his mouth like jalapeno poppers. Since I have not seen him get arrested, I'll assume he is still doing his daily routine of coffee at a diner, sitting at a ridiculously long conference table by himself, and eating cigars in peace. 

6. Jeff Malone - Is trying to be honorable through this whole mess, but it just comes across as whiny. He is making himself out to be a martyr, but what he needs to do is stop letting the rules define who he is by a lawyer and start pushing the boundaries. I had such high hopes for Jeff, but he is just too honorable to become an elite lawyer.

7. Donna Paulsen - Donna finally makes herself useful, as she wisely chooses her words with Harvey when it comes to Louis. But she also missed her date for work stuff, which has just gotta stop happening. She asked Jessica for a favor and was nearly fired for it. Donna needs to put on her climbing boots and get to the top of the hill, the Cahill that is. Get it, gurrrrrrl.

8. Mike Ross - Mike comes up with the idea of looking into Cahill and friends, but that idea fails, and Mike followed it up by giving Cahill crucial information during the deposition. Interacting with Cahill works out well for no one.

9. Katrina Bennett - Katrina gave Louis advice based on mob movies. She was right, but that does not make the thought process valid.

10. Rachel Zane - She knows what her man wants, and that is bean and cheese burritos. Not only are they delicious, but they also help both of them send a sexy aroma throughout the apartment. She then gets prepared for a deposition that never happens. During this deposition, she initially refused to answer the question about sleeping with Logan, which was odd. This is why Sami Zayn refuses to recognize her as a valid cousin.

11. Charles Woodall - Came in as a badass lawyer but was a blubbering wimp within 30 seconds of his deposition. Also drives a Subaru which is about the lamest car company on the planet. I mean, come on, Woodall, were they all out of Kia Sephias? To top off his shit sandwich, Harvey helped lead his good buddy to prosecute him for taking a bribe from Forstman.

Suits Power Rankings: Exposure

Suits is getting to the homestretch. Last week, Mike broke up with Rachel, but more importantly, he got back together with Harvey through Louis. It was basically a hotshot lawyer menage a trois. Unfortunately, Cahill is trying to be the figurative STD in this equation that mucks up all the beautiful love. Can these guys find their penicillin, or will they continue to have flare ups? Let's go to this week's rankings to find out.

1. Sean Cahill - Cahill gets a search warrant from his golf buddy to go after Pearson Specter's documents, but before he can find anything, it gets denied by the real judge. Still, Cahill has always stayed a step ahead of Harvey in that just when they think they have him, he comes up with a new plan to screw them over. Cahill has no fear, so he's not worried of never working as a lawyer again, as long as he can destroy Harvey in the process. It is a risk, but something tells me he will be able to find a little dirt while looking through the Gillis Industries deal.

2. Jessica Pearson - Jessica ain't worried about no bitch-ass search warrant, because she doesn't even know where the files are. She gives Mike no respect for his plan (probably because she had heard the same plan before), and I respect that. Mike is a pain in the ass, and if he had never come to the firm, well, she would probably be working for Edward Darby or Daniel HARDMAN, but she conveniently forgets all of that so she can shit on Mike. I respect her narrow outlook on the past.

3. Charles Forstman - Forstman doesn't give as hit about the IRS, SEC, or any other three letter combination you want to throw at him. It is clear that he is B1G all the way. All he does is terrible things, yet he keeps rising up through the ranks and people are lining up to throw money at him. And that hair, good lord, that hair. It's the hair of a champion. Champion, great hair, and bad person...oh my god, he's Steve Alford.

4. Rachel Zane - Rachel is now crashing on Donna's couch, and that apartment has weird powers. People who sleep there do not do well in having a social life. She makes Mike very uncomfortable until he's so uncomfortable that he just gives in and they move back in together. She risked a restraining order, but got herself a boyfriend. Good win for Rachel.

5. Mike Ross - Mike is not cool enough to pull of a soul patch, but he has his own office now. But with an office comes responsibilities, so now he has to do some real lawyerin'. That's tough to do since poor Mike keeps thinking about Rachel kissing Logan, but in his weird nightmares, he's involved in a triple kiss. His grandma is watching the entire thing, and he wants to stop but can't. Half of the time, Logan turns into Harold. It's so weird, and he can't focus on anything else because of it. I can't say I blame him. The good news is that Mike got credit for an idea that Jessica initially turned down when Harvey brought it up, and he was given credit for being a genius. This newfound genius helped him realize that he isn't going to find anyone hotter than Rachel, so he might as well make up and go home.

6. Katrina Bennett - Putting the moves on Mike with that sexy hug. She seems like the kind of go-getter that would be willing to kill off Rachel to get herself a man. I respect her gumption.

7. Harvey Specter - Harvey believes in "Ladies first," unless he's involved in which case it's "Harvey first." Gotta respect that. He's got his best buddy back, but Cahill keeps coming at him. Since he didn't do anything wrong, he is not too concerned about things, but he still keeps getting owned by Cahill, even when he thinks he's in the clear. It was a pretty lax week for Harvey.

8. Donna Paulsen - She slept with Harvey, and she's still in love with him. She had a date. He's a little bit of a couch potato...literally. It's just a Mr. Potato Head that she laid on her couch. At least he has a smile on his face as she recites Shakespeare.

9. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis is on an emotional rollercoaster all week long with Cahill looking into the Forstman deal. It looks good, then bad, then good, then bad again, and eventually he has to confess to Jessica, as he is not willing to frame Harvey for the crime that he committed. Please bring back Harold, so Louis has somebody to shit on. He needs it.

Suits Power Rankings - We're Done

The biggest question I was left with from last week was, should I start referring to Charles Forstman as FORSTMAN, since he is definitely the most diabolical human being since HARDMAN. Ultimately, Forstman's power is more reserved, and he doesn't need to use force, or Forst, to get what he wants, so he will stay with the relaxed typing of his name. Other stuff happened too. You can read about it here. But enough with the small talk, it's time to focus on the present:

1. Charles Forstman - It was not nearly as strong of a performance as last week, but he retains his number one spot despite circling Mike's neighborhood for two hours before Mike finally came out and got a coffee. I have to think he could have been spending his time better than that. He more than redeems himself by making Louis take a check to ensure that he will own him for the foreseeable future. Honestly, things are going pretty great for Mr. Forstman, so it is no wonder that he has that cocky grin on his face at all times.

2. Jonathan Sidwell - He's not hiring Mike back, and I respect that he doesn't bend on his principles. You get one shot with Sidwell, and that makes him the most honorable person out there.

3. Harvey Specter - Picking fights with Cahill but still finding time to be a friend to Mike. Besides that, he makes a super silly decision to get rid of Logan Sanders for wanting to bang his associate. Hey Harvey, I'm guessing all of your clients have probably had a beatoff session to Rachel, so this is not a viable long-term solution. But he was able to get Mike back in the firm thanks to Louis, and let's face it, in Mike's heart, Rachel is a DISTANT number two behind Spec.

4. Sean Cahill - Cahill would have punched Harvey in the face, but luckily, Harvey waited for him to finish his classic story abut mail fraud, so he let it slide. I hope he seduces Katrina Bennett to get dirt on the firm. That's a power couple right there.

5. Katrina Bennett - Probably the best cheerleader on the show. Does a great job of making Louis feel good about himself, no matter how bad things are going.

6. Donna Paulsen - She spent her time trying to clean up everyone's mess. Everybody took her advice, which was positive, but the fact that Rachel knew she would be home alone instead of on a date cuts deeper than she will let anyone know.

7. Rachel Zane - Confesses to being a "Dirty, filthy, disgusting, brutal, trash-bag ho." Well, she would have had Chris Jericho been there to coax her along at least. She is doubting the existence of love, and really, who could blame her? Let's look at all the prominent marriages at the law firm. First, there's...yep, not a single one. Franklin, it may be time to give up on love, but I think she can find someone to Bash her.

8. Jeff Malone - Jeff Malone is an idiot. He is very concerned that Jessica doesn't trust him in everything that he does. The problem with that is that he can't do his job competently, so he really has nothing to be mad about. Still, he must be one hell of a lover, because she apologized to him for him being incompetent and insubordinate, so good on you having some God-given talent in the bedroom.

9. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis is breaking the law and feeling great about it until Forstman makes him take a bonus, so he is explicitly tied to breaking the law. Louis almost went all-in on his love with Sheila, but he decided to save Mike Ross, the man who convinced him that Sheila was engaged to Lorenzo Lamas. By bringing Mike in, he unknowingly exposed the firm even more to the investigation by the SEC.

10. Jessica Pearson - She is handing out favors to Louis, although it ultimately backfires when her worst nightmare is realized and Mike Ross is brought back to the firm. Also, she apologized to her incompetent boyfriend who messed up a contract and refused to double check it. You're dating a nincompoop, Jessica, a nincompoop.

11. Mike Ross - Turned down a million dollar signing bonus without a second thought. I'm gonna be real for a second. For a million dollar signing bonus, I would consider working for Hitler. Ultimately, I would turn it down, but I'd at least consider it, maybe even justify that I could take the money and be the bumbling buffoon of the Third Reich, screwing up things with hilarious antics, but even then, I couldn't take the risk that one of my stupid ideas would end up being brilliant and lead to a whole lot of bad things. Still, you have to consider that sort of offer. Harvey told him to find job advice, and he ended up going to a fantasy baseball nerd instead. Mike, winning your league is not as important as finding a new job (But if you're reading this, does he think that the Cardinals can turn around Justin Masterson? I'm asking for a friend who needs pitching help). Had he not been taking life advice from a poor man's Matthew Berry, he probably wouldn't have had his heart broken. Harvey gave Mike level-headed advice, but since Harvey's fantasy credentials are shaky, at best (He drafted Joey Votto and Jay Bruce, come on), Mike doesn't feel it necessary to listen to him.

12. Amy - Mike spent about three seconds concerned for her well-being, so that moment will likely go down as the most significance she has played in his life.

13. Logan Sanders - Fights like an idiot, and I'm not saying fighting is stupid, I'm saying his strategy literally could not have been worse. If you're going to shoot for a takedown, you need to finish that takedown. Mike didn't do any sort of sprawl to prevent it, but Logan just stopped his momentum and hugged Mike's waist like his little buddy. Then he gets hip tossed, which is probably a relief, since Mike easily could have dropped elbows on the back of his head which could have done all sorts of brain scrambling. No wonder Rachel wants nothing to do with him. If he is only taking half shots, what else is he only giving half effort on? FINISH YOUR SHOT.

Suits Power Rankings - Litt the Hell Up

Last week, the greatest moment ever happened, and the internet rejoiced. This week could not possibly be as momentous, or could it? Well, Suits tweeted this out to the number one fan (and there number two through number 100,000 fan).

@HottJoe When lines are crossed -- both in work and love -- who'll have most exposure? Rachel? The firm? Mike? Louis's codpiece?
— Suits (@Suits_USA) July 23, 2014

Still, it is clear that I matter to the people at Pearson Specter. But this week still had a tough act to follow. The number one guy on this list did his best by screwing over everyone that he saw. It could be the greatest single week performance in Suits history. Let's get to it.

1. Charles Forstman - When Louis was able to nullify the deal for the Wexler shares, Forstman was there to scoop them up. So Harvey tried to come in his office like a big swinging dick with a fancy car and some leverage, but Forstman had already taken his leverage, and Harvey was so flustered that he left the keys to his car. Harvey probably had to walk home after their meeting to avoid the embarrassment of going back upstairs.

But that's all great for his new buddy, Mike Ross, right? NOPE, because Forstman plays by his own rules, so he sold all of his shares to Louis, mostly because he loves screwing people over.

So this is good for Louis, right? NOPE. Forstman knows that Pearson Specter are being investigated by the SEC, so he sets up a shady deal to get them in trouble, so the hammer is about to fall so hard on Louis.

Well, at least Jonathan Sidwell came out unscathed? Haha, nope on that one too. He told Sidwell that Mike was ready to screw him over in order to make the deal, so Sidwell lost a friend and had to fire Mike. So, yes, that does mean that Forstman double screwed over Mike Ross. I would not be surprised if Forstman sends Mike a video of him banging Rachel just to hammer home the point of how much he doesn't give a shit.

2. Sean Cahill - Cahill brings in Logan Sanders just so he can bust Harvey's balls. Days are pretty slow at the SEC, so he likes to pull these pranks to help pass the time.

3. Louis Litt - Louis is in a good mood, and that means personalized mugs for everyone. They are personalized with his own slogan, but that's still personalized. There is nobody better than him at finding flaws in legal documents. Unfortunately, he's also the best at messing up Harvey's world. I've seen less shitting on people in German Scat Films than Harvey has done to Louis this season. Louis has basically turned into Harold, and if Pearson Specter needed a Harold, they should really just get Harold. So how is Louis still this high? Well, he got the deal done, and Harvey forgave him for everything and even said that Forstman got Litt the Hell Up. A reasonable person could say that he broke laws in order to close the deal, but that hasn't come back to haunt him yet, and since nobody has ever gotten away with the most minor mistake (outside of Mike Ross not having a law degree), Louis is probably due for some good luck. I doubt we even revisit this little snafu in the future.

4. Jessica Pearson - Jessica puts the hammer down on Harvey to end the big deal. Then she goes behind her bangpiece's back to have Louis clean up his mess. I know Louis gets shit on a lot, but I really hope that Jessica doesn't decide that he should clean up Jeff Malone's messes in the bedroom.

5. Jonathan Sidwell - Sidwell is a tough boss, but he's a fair boss. He might be the most honorable guy in investment banking history, as he just wants to trust people, but Mike tried to screw him over, and he had no choice but to fire him. Since he likes smart people who think outside of the box, he may have to stretch his search from coast to coast to find a replacement. Luckily, there is not one, but two people that would be perfect for the job.


6. Logan Sanders - Logan has mad game, and he's got power over Rachel. Logan does his deals face-to-face, especially when dealing with the current boyfriend of a love interest. This obviously backfires for him as he loses his lawyer, but Louis comes in to save the deal and get Gillis Industries for him. Still, Harvey did try to drop him as a client so he could represent Mike. I can't imagine Logan is going to be too keen on sticking around unless he's sticking it to an associate.

7. Rachel Zane - Has a sad cab ride and keeps notes from ex-boyfriends. She also reminisces about the old times where she was a sexy little scamp up to nothing but mischief. Then she makes out with her ex-boyfriend to pull off the bad girlfriend trifecta (there are probably worse trifectas out there for girlfriends, but this is still bad). Rachel is the worst at cheating as she immediately tells the first person she runs into. She also gets into Mike's head, ruins the buyout deal, and then Mike loses his job. Next week, she will dump Mike and tell him that she poisoned his Grandma. WHOOPSIES.

8. Donna Paulsen - She gives Harvey bad news and then gets bad news out of Rachel. She gave Rachel advice, but she wasn't specific enough, so Rachel screws it up. She should have known better. If you tell Rachel to pick up some Chinese food, she'll be back in a week after a trip to China. You have to tell her to just call the delivery place down the street or she will take the path of most resistance.

9. Harvey Specter - Harvey is the prettiest girl at the dance, and he's got Mike and Logan fighting for his love, but he didn't let them profess their love enough and just chose Mike, which seems silly. Also, he got totally owned by Charles Forstman, and that owning could continue for weeks. Let's just hope it wasn't raining when he was walking home after forgetting his keys.

10. Katrina Bennett - Just doing some filing in the library. Another exciting Thursday night for Katrina.

11. Jeff Malone - He is confident in his skills, and he refuses to look over his work. He has good reason to be as he is better than 99% of all lawyers. Unfortunately, that may make him the worst lawyer at Pearson Specter. His deal for shares is null and void, so let's hope that doesn't happen to his romantic deal with Jessica.

12. Amy - Does not know how to do dress professionally, may lose her job by association.

13. Mike Ross - Mike felt really good early on. It looked like he was finally going to close on the Gillis Industries purchase. But he let his woman convince him to stick it to Logan Sanders, and since he didn't close the deal right then and there, he ended up losing everything. He lost the deal, he lost his job, and his girlfriend is making out with other dudes, so he may want to tell her to get lost too. It's not a great time to be Mike Ross.

14. Walter Gillis - Has anyone even told him that he lost his company? 

Suits Power Rankings - Pound of Flesh

Last week, I made a bunch of references to Lorenzo Lamas in my review. I doubted that they would ever make a reference cooler than the man who played Reno Raines. The Lorenzo Lamas reference is equivalent to a unicycle with a flat tire; the reference they made this week is a 2007 Volvo S60. Yeah, they went and put on maybe the best episode ever. I seriously cannot wait to get to the rankings. Here is a link to last week's. Now onto the 60 minutes that may have changed my entire life.

1. Harvey Specter - Harvey started off a little slow, as Cahill actually held his ground. Then he went on a murdering spree. His victims:

Mike, who thought he could trick Harvey, but Harvey saw right through his plan, and sent him back to his fancy office with a frown on his face and his tail between his legs.
Jeff, who tried to justify not doing shady things, because that's not why he was brought on, but Harvey quickly informed him that he will do whatever Harvey says and he will like it.
Rachel, who wanted a day off, and Harvey made her feel as if she was asking for a private plane and a billion dollar salary. It took about 45 seconds to have her begging to work more hours.
Mike, again, when he tried to confront Harvey in the bathroom, but then realized Harvey had already thought all of Mike's plans through and annihilated his chances of winning.
Mike, a third time, when he questions Harvey about why he is at the hospital, and quickly replies that he would have visited Mike in the hospital if he ever worked hard enough to pass out.

Yes, he did run into some problems when Jessica went behind his back to buy up those shares, but that just gave him more time to show his heart of gold by taking blame and showing sincere regret to Mike followed by going to see Donna's play and making her feel like the belle of the ball.

2. Sean Cahill - While Harvey is busy on his murder spree, Cahill goes toe-to-toe with Harvey, TWICE, and gets the upper hand both times. That was amazing, but it was a pithy little one liner that truly changed the game. I watched it a half dozen times, as I had to make sure it was real and not some sort weird Suits dream (this happens more than I would like to admit). He says, and I quote, "Which one of you is Frankiln, and which one of you is Bash?" He called Mike and Harvey "Franklin and Bash." HE CALLED THEM FRANKLIN AND BASH. HE CALLED THEM FRANKLIN AND BASH. I'm done. This is the pinnacle of Suits...unless...no, they couldn't...could they? No, it would never happen...but maybe...I mean, it would almost be irresponsible to type it out...but it'd be silly not to throw it out there. Okay, I guess I have to throw it out there. PEARSON SPECTER FRANKLIN AND BASH. It's got a nice ring to it.

3. Jessica Pearson - The one person who gets the upperhand on Harvey as she doesn't care about honesty, honor, or even employees in the hospital, she cares about the client making some scrilla. That's some hardcore lawyerin' right there.

4. Donna Paulsen - Donna has a personal life, which obviously pumps me up, as I am a huge advocate for her having a life that does not revolve around others. I am incredibly happy that she has a huge part in a Shakespeare play. She finally shows some vulnerability, and she played it safe her whole life without pursuing her true dream. Finally, she believes in herself and owns her Shakespearian part. Since Louis helped her memorize her lines, she helps him overcome his stage fright. In the end, she gets a free ride to her final show from Harvey, who takes the time to let her know that she is his number one priority...for one night at least.

5. Louis Marlo Litt - Being a good friend to Donna by helping her memorize her lines. Of course, LML knows all of Willie's plays by heart. Unfortunately, he's never been able to perform because of stage fright. I'm not an expert on stage fright, but isn't, like, THE closest thing to being on a stage, performing as a lawyer in front of a jury? Turns out it is as Louis overcomes his fears and crushes his role. Then he tells Donna that she could be a lawyer, which means that everyone on this show will be a lawyer one day in honor of these power rankings that did not rank non-lawyers when it started. After this and the Franklin and Bash comment, I am 100% positive that the bigwigs over at Suits are reading, so hey guys and gals, sup? I'm ready to join the staff anytime you need me. Also, advanced copies of episodes would be fantastic. Email me at uncensoredwriting@gmail.com

6. Jonathan Sidwell - Sidwell is a Wall Street hotshot with a heart of gold, and everybody is happy that Mike will not have to screw him over in order to get his deal done.

7. Jeff Malone - Has to do some shady stuff to set up a trust for Logan Sanders, which makes him uncomfortable. When he complains about being shady, he gets treated like a bitch by Harvey. But he comes up with a perfect plan to get Logan Sanders the shares, so now he finally tops Karl as Harvey's favorite Malone.

8. Charles Forstman - Forstman respects Mike's crazy little plan and gives him the money without Mike having to screw over Sidwell. The gray fox never ceases to surprise.

9. Logan Sanders - Gave Rachel flowers, but still wanted her to get back to work. I respect that.

10. Mike Ross - He turned off his girlfriend's alarm like that is a good thing, only because he didn't want her to go to the hospital. What a jerk. Then he gets repeatedly owned by Harvey, but everything turned around for him in the end as Forstman is giving Sidwell the money, so Mike does not have to screw over the nicest Wall Street hotshot in history, and he has the money to crush Harvey. Still, that's all future success. This week was pretty rough overall.

11. Danyel H - Did not make the Suits Live leaderboard last week but came back to claim the #2 spot this week. The only question is how many of the answers are coming from Danyel and how many are coming from her cat.

12. Amy - She existed. She tries to talk sense into Mike, but he barely listens; I barely listen. She seems more of a Michael Bay prop actress as opposed to a Shakespeare thespian.

13. Rachel Zane - Is stuck between two dudes. She's a little too obsessed with law school considering she is already guaranteed a job when she graduates. C's get degrees, baby girl. This is not an aim for the stars, and you'll land on the moon situation. This is more of a situation where if you want to fly, buy a kite. Unfortunately, her rocket ship burns up at liftoff, and her lazy ass is in the hospital. Worst part about being in the hospital is she missed out on a steak dinner. If my main squeeze went out for steaks while I was in the hospital, it would lead to divorce. I would be inconsolable.

14. My Smugness When I Heard Dark Pool - I read Michael Lewis's Flash Boys, which discussed all things about the new stock market and dark pools were a huge part. I felt like the hottest of hot shots when I heard the term. Seriously, my smugness was at epic proportions. I was sniffing my own farts for the next six hours. Is that paprika I smell? Why yes, yes it is.

Suits Power Rankings - Leveraged

Suits really needs to stop taking weeks off. I'm not just talking about in the middle of a season either; I mean, they need to stop taking breaks. 52 episodes, is that so much to ask? The WWE has at least eight hours of content each week, and between all of that, nearly an hour is good. Suits just needs a really good editing staff to cut down the eight hours of crap into one great hour of television every single week of our lives. Come on, Suits Recruits, together we can do this. Where did we leave off last? No clue, it was TWO WEEKS ago. I faintly remember Mike and Harvey going against each other, Louis being lonely, and their being the hottest of sexual tensions between Jessica and Jeff Malone. What could be hotter than that? One thing: Lorenzo Lamas, who is the true number one of this week's power rankings. For actual people on the show, continue reading.

1. Sean Cahill - All he did was take people out like he was Bobby Sixkiller. Totally punked out both Jessica and Jeff. His smugness is so magnificent. Even when it appeared that he was losing, he still couldn't keep the smile off his face. And then, it turned out that he totally played Jessica and Jeff and they did exactly what he wanted. Eric Woodall is not a worthy competitor, but Sean Cahill has SEC SPEED, which can outmaneuver just about anyone in New York, which is clearly a Rutgers town.

2. Donna Paulsen - Finally, let's give credit where credit is due. This is what we need from Donna. She barges into Mike's office and starts busting skulls. She gets what she wants and moves on. Then she puts Harvey in his place, so he will make amends with Louis. She didn't take gruff, she didn't worry about gossip, she just got shit done. It was reminiscent of Sergeant Bobby Chase in Terminal Justice. Excellent work, Donna.

3. Harvey Specter - Drives an hour out of his way just to talk shit to Eric Woodall. Surpsingly, that did not get him the spot to head up the case against the SEC. He must have forgotten to tell them that he gave Woodall yesterday's paper, making it virtually useless. For his real case, things were also not going well, as he found out that Louis had never watched the show Renegade. As a fan of the classics, this is an unforgivable offense in his book, , and he was just using Louis's law mishaps to throw him off the scent of his Reno Raines fan club.

4. Charles Forstman - He's evil, but Harvey doesn't actually give the details as to why he is evil, so Mike goes into business with him, which will screw over Sidwell. I'm not exactly sure how a single line in a contract can cut out the boss of the guy who is making the deal, because I feel like investment bankers would do that anytime they made a deal, so they could use somebody else's money but keep all the profits, but Forstman must be pretty handy with the legalese. He sees himself as a Vince Black, but I think he will prove to be more of a Marshal "Dutch" Dixon.

5. Jeff Malone - Jeff and I have a lot in common. Everything he does is sexy...in his own mind. He was nearly fired from his last job, and he has the ability to plow through rejections in order to seduce a woman in power. Still, he fell into a classic lawyer trap, and now he's stuck with his pants around his ankles. That's bad in business, but at least he's taking advantage of that situation in his personal life.

6. Jessica Pearson - She made a lawyer a partner who was about to be fired, whoopsies! Still, she put Harvey in his place, and she is about to have her cake and eat it too with some classic films (Snake Eater and Snake Eater II: The Drug Buster) and a bottle of Boone's Farm.

7. Rachel Zane - She is showing that she is an expert lawyer, despite only being a law student. She can look at cover pages and realize that the deals are no good, but she gives Logan options, and they work all night together to get him prepared for his board meeting. But all that research made things hot and steamy, and those two nearly rekindled their burning flame of love. Still, Rachel was responsible and backed herself out of what could have turned into a sticky situation. So keep on keepin' on, Ms. Zane, you're like a young Cheyenne Phillips.

8. Tony Giannopoulos - Does not know how to repay favors, does know how to give payback though.

9. Logan Sanders - Logan uses the classic plan of seduction where he buries Rachel in work, so that she'll be so turned on that she lets him bury something else. She's starting to wear down, which is good for him, because Logan is a dog with a bone that needs burying.

10. Amy - So that's Mike's Assistant's name? Okay, good to know. Her whole role on this show is to be a poor man's Donna, but if that's the case, give her some individual characteristics. Instead of liking lame things like Broadway shows, make me fall in love with her when she cuts out of work early to go to Beat The Streets or an independent wrestling show. I doubt those are her interests, which means I doubt I will be sad to see her go.

11. Jonathan Sidwell - Sidwell may be the most honorable guy in this bubble. He likes money; that is why he wanted his own company. When people make him money, he's happy. When people lose him money, he's sad. His motivations never change, so at least you know what you are getting from him. Unfortunately, honor does not take you very far in these power rankings, and he's currently being duped, which is bad news for him.

12. Mike Ross - Mike is going to acquire Gillis Industries, or he's done as an investment banker. Instead of crunching numbers, he's using Photoshop, which is really the way that gets business done these days. The plan works almost every time, but somehow Tony Giannopoulos was able to resist a business plan that had his head photoshopped onto Scrooge McDuck's body jumping into a pool of gold coins. Luckily, that same plan did work when he sent it to Charles Forstman. Unfortunately, Forstman is evil, and despite Harvey warning him not to, he made a deal with him, and now his future is tied to Forstman.

 13. Eric Woodall - He's just a pud who is cutting out yesterday's coupons in a tomorrow world.

14. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis is turning down J-Date requests left and right, because he's still in love with Sheila. Unfortunately, that love is blinding him to his job, as he keeps messing things up for the world's best best friend, Harvey Specter. He is left in a heaping pile of emotions, while Harvey probably goes out and revenge bangs Sheila. Louis got Litt Up. 

Suits Power Rankings - Two in the Knees

This season of Suits is basically a Triple H WrestleMania match. You see each guy hitting his finisher over and over with tons of false finishes, and it is really exciting, but after you see it repeatedly, it can really lose its luster. That is what Harvey has been relying on throughout this show. He keeps saying that he has everything figured out, and it's over, but 1...2...and the shoulder pops up and something else happens. What Harvey needs to do is hit his finisher three consecutive times, because nobody gets up from that. He could even stand over Mike's Body with one foot much like Ultimate Warrior did to Macho Man at WrestleMania VII. Anyway, that's why I'm way more into the Malone/Pearson/Litt love triangle than the main plot from this season. For last week's rankings, click here. Now onto this week's power rankings:

1. Jeff Malone - Jeff never misses a Knicks game, so he turns down the ballet, even though, let's face it, there are probably more skilled athletes in the ballet. He's running a triangle offense with Louis and Jessica, but this triangle may turn into a menage a trois. Jeff goes along with Louis thinking he's gay to get closer to Jessica, but his main goal is to get primo help on his case. That help pays off as Jessica finds the call that will clear their client's name. Unfortunately, that gets Jeff Malone all boned up, but he couldn't get the nookie. But this man doesn't stop, and I admire his sticktoitiveness. It will serve him well as he earns his money by crushing anything the SEC throws at him.

2. Jessica Pearson - Jessica tricked Jeff into becoming best friends with Louis, and she doesn't want to waste her time hanging with Jeff Malone. Still, they make a great team, but they have to keep it in their pants. Jeff Malone's a hunk, but her firm is making her a giant hunk of cash, and that is something she does not want to give up for a premium slampiece.

3. Harvey Specter - He has a restaurant for everything he does. First dates, before a Yankees game, after a round of golf with Jordan, and, oh yeah, when he threatens large banks so they will stop funding his opponents. Variety is the spice of life, man. He does tell Walter that Mike basically killed his son. It was basically the equivalent  of when Darryl Kile died in his hotel room with marijuana in his system, and Cubs fans equated it to Kile supporting terrorism. Also, I know that we are supposed to believe that Harvey's Father's tapes are some sort of jazz music, but I know 8 mm pornography film when I see it. Mike had no intention of keeping the tapes; he just wanted a romantic movie night with Rachel. Still, I could see why Harvey was so intent on wanting to remaster the action.

4. Rachel Zane - She is supposed to ask a favor from her boyfriend to save his future. Instead, she asks the favor from her ex-boyfriend, which I am sure her obsessive current boyfriend will be totally cool with. Also, she was totally in the right this week. She should not have to give Mike all the details of past relationships. What kind of creep even wants to know that type of stuff? Plus, she was super tired and just wanted to get some sleep; I totally understand that feeling. More than true love, she needs to find her true sleep number.

5. Logan Sanders - He wants to fight dirty, which means a private investigator looking into Mike Ross, but his old flame asks him to back off, so he does, because he still plans on winning her heart and panties back. His best work was in his past when he reasoned with his wife that he wasn't sleeping by Rachel by noting that she was just a paralegal. "Honey, why would I be interested in that incredibly hot chick? She doesn't even have a law degree. Hashtag, too stupid to fuck." Logan Sanders was way ahead of his time on using hashtags in everyday conversation.

6. Danyel H - Just crushing #SuitsLive. Last week, #1, this week, #3. As much as this person loves Suits, they love their cat even more. Good on you, Danyel H. Can't wait to see your score next week.

7. Donna Paulsen - She uses her wisdom to encourage Mike to be a good dude. She also spreads the gossip around to make sure that everyone stays happy. She was basically Tinkerbell in her way to sprinkle wisdom upon all that crossed her path.

8. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis invites dudes to the ballet, but he also will go out of his way to help out his friends. Louis sees the homoeroticism in all sports. His sexuality is overcoming the entire office, so everyone is sexually turned on by him. He has to break Jeff's heart. Unfortunately, he then finds out that Jeff was lying, and it broke his heart. Louis needs to start looking for companions on Tinder.

9. Eric Woodall - Seven subpoenas starting tomorrow.

10. Mike's Assistant - I feel like we are supposed to know things about her, but she is basically a puzzle that is missing half of the pieces. I know she is sassy, that she will talk to her boss anyway she wants, and that she is a cute lady. However, I don't know her background, motivation, or even her name. You are a mystery, Mike's Assistant.

11. Vernon - He's just a banker dude who hates Brussels sprouts.

12. Walter Gillis - His son died because of drugs, so he hates drug dealers. He thought The Wire was overrated and couldn't even watch Weeds.

13. Mike Ross - Mike tries to take advantage of his tired girlfriend in the worst way possible, by finding out about her ex-boyfriend. I could come up with about 7,000 ways I would rather take advantage of Rachel, and that's without including anything sexual (I have lots of law questions that I cannot afford to ask). Mike is basically a psychotic boyfriend in that he researches his girlfriend and her ex-boyfriends, and then gets mad at her for not telling him everything about her past relationship. Not a good look for you, Mikey.

Suits Power Rankings - Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner

I don't like to be negative, but last week's performances were pretty weak. I was afraid that these New York Hot Shots had turned into a bunch of Podunk Skunks. But this week quelled my concerns as they were going back and forth like Ali and Frazier. You can check out last week's rankings here, and here are this week's rankings:

1. Logan Sanders - Back in the day, he didn't treat his wife or his mistress very well, but he's learned from his mistakes. He now respects women. Logan Sanders respects women so hard. He respects the shit out of women. He respects women so much that he tells the boyfriends of his former lovers how he used to turn their old lady over and thrust her until completion. Sometimes, he just can't help it, and he explodes with respect all over women's faces. What a great guy.

2. Harvey Specter - Gets owned by Mike and is scared of Jessica. Things were looking pretty bleak for Harvey for a second straight week, but he came back, and he came back so strong. He blew off his lunch with Jeff Malone, and then got inside Mike's head, turned the head of the union, and made Mike look like a bitch. But his confidence got the best of him. Where he could have had this deal done for $20 million and a happy client, he now has to fight. Harvey could have closed this easily had he just gone above Mike's head to Sidwell and told him about the offer who would have accepted it without Mike even having a chance to convince him otherwise. You have to play to win, not play to win the right way.

3. Mike Ross - Subpoenas Harvey while he was eating a bagel like a bitch. Everybody knows hot dogs are for winners. Then he owns Harvey in front of the judge, which must have been super satisfying. But things got bad for him when he gave up what he wanted to do with the company. Still, he recovered, and even though he made Walter Gillis super sad that he won't be able to expand, he's back in the fight, and he will do anything to beat the man that penetrated his girlfriend years ago.

4. Jessica Pearson - She actually scared Harvey, so impressive work there, but Harvey still didn't do what she wanted him to, so she definitely loses some points there. She has refrained from banging one of the partners in the law firm, so congratulations on three days of not putting your company in Jeopardy, Jessica. Still, I can't punish her for future sins, and who could blame her? Jeff Malone is a hunk.

5. Jeff Malone - Got himself a fancy new job at Pearson Specter and managed to work with Louis instead of fighting with him. He did lose his corner office, but he got an office next to his bangpiece, and this is a man who values convenience over prestige. Gotta respect that.

6. Donna Paulsen - Calls out Harvey for being a ball-less coward, so that was some much needed sass from her. Unfortunately, Donna searches the trash to find out gossip around the office, which she considers her edge. Still she needs something to fill the pages of her diary, and the romance between Jessica and Jeff should take up a few chapters.

7. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis worked really hard on his presentation, but it was too late. Jeff Malone is a partner and he's already taking some of Louis's cases. Sometimes the only one he can trust is his pussy diary, which is very different than my own personal pussy journal (which is mostly filled with hypotheticals and blank pages). Louis has interesting culinary tastes for his meals, as he says he eats cock for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. The most important part of that is that he has the same thing three times a day. Variety is the spice of life, Litt. Louis finally does get that variety when he gets a corner office, and the best news is he doesn't need his diary, for this triumph belongs in his Dictaphone for permanent inspiration.

8. Pete - He's the head of the union, so he's got to protect his people. He doesn't care who gives him half a billion dollars, as long as he gets that money. He's a lot like me in that way.

9. Katrina Bennett - She is the number one cheerleader. She also does a nice job of moving furniture.

10. Walter Gillis - He threw a tantrum about having to spend an extra $500 million. That actually seems pretty reasonable to me.

11. Todd - Got tricked into thinking he had a heart attack. Also, he has never been helped off the ground, as anyone who has tried has just slipped off due to his excessive hand lotion.

12. Rachel Zane - Always comes in late for work. Rachel gets mad at Mike for not taking the deal, because now this battle is going to continue. This wouldn't be as big of an issue if she hadn't said this after this has been going on for TWO WHOLE DAYS. Rachel really hasn't done anything as Harvey's associate, and if she doesn't step it up soon to help him destroy Mike, she needs to be replaced. I'm not sure if any of you were paying attention, but there was a paper peaking out on Harvey's desk, and it was two resumes for a new associate. Those prospects' names? Jared Franklin and Peter Bash. Also, this is their entire resume:

Suits Power Rankings - No Way Out

This is a TV show; people forget that.

And here we are, at the final episode of the season. It is amazing how little has happened. Harvey can't find a woman despite having an angel in his presence. Louis's only love is the law. Mike is still a lawyer. Rachel is still not a lawyer (thank God). Donna lives vicariously through others. Jessica straddles the bar of competence every episode. And Harold gonna Harold, ya'll. For a full recap of last week, you can check that out here, but now it's time to look at the season finale, where I pray to God something happens (Spoiler Alert: It does).

1. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis is worried about everyone having a bad ticker since his heart attack. Still, he is able to ignore that fear long enough to help Harold as even though he is Harold's worst nightmare, he is also Harold's best lawyer. He may have been the strongest lawyer of the entire season, so bravo to him for stepping his game up.

2. Rachel Zane - Rachel has one thing on her mind throughout this entire episode, a Maserati. She made dinner for Mike, because he was about to get that big Wall Street check, but then he's just a lousy lawyer, making six figures, so she is pissed. She is jealous of Mike and Harvey's relationship, and she probably has every right to be. But in the end, she gets what she wants when Mike takes the new job. Vroom vroom, girl.

3. Harold Gunderson - Harold ain't no squealing bitch. He keeps his secrets like he keeps his swagger, on lock down. He lost his job, and that's bad, but I have a good feeling that things are about to open up for him. And yes, I will find any reason to rank Harold high. True players respect the game.

4. Jonathan Sidwell - He gets Mike to work for him, which just proves that he always gets his man (although I'm still disappointed he didn't get Brock Lesnar). Now he's got his eyes set on a true NYC Ass Kicker. That's right; Harold is coming. Get ready, bitches. He's about to turn the investment game on its head. Harold gonna Harold, ya'll.

5. Mike Ross - Mike gets into cars with strangers, which, shocker, does not turn out well for him. Shouldn't a lawyer know his rights? Also, he is in a relationship with somebody who keeps finding reasons to be mad at him, but Donna is his girlfriend's buddy, so she never brings that to Mike's attention. Anyway, Mike chooses Rachel over Harvey by taking the investment banking job, so that keeps him ahead of Harvey who chose Mike over Scotty.

6. Dana Scott - Scotty's always down for a good time, but Harvey oversells and underdelivers as he again does not take her out on the great date that she deserves. Selfishly, she would actually like to know whether her firm is breaking laws. She would also like her manpiece to communicate with her. These are her crimes. I already miss you, Scotty. Can't wait for your spinoff show with Andi from The Bachelor.

7. Harvey Specter - Harvey is sad about his relationship with Scotty, but he's still willing to throw it all away, because his relationship with Mike is way stronger. By the way, I'm scared to look, but there must be some pretty intense fan fiction where Mike and Harvey just bang each other all day long. Obviously Mike is the bottom of the relationship, but is he a power bottom? It's an interesting question, and I hope to avoid the answer. Harvey also ignored his lawyer smarts and decided to talk about all the ways that him and Mike broke the law while in a room under surveilance, which, uh, seems a tad irresponsible. But he broke the camera after talking about half of it, so good thing there was nobody on the other side of that two-way mirror. Finally, Harvey breaks up with Scotty and then gives Mike permission to go work for Sidwell, losing his true love interest.

8. Stephanie Liston - A rat who gives Donna information from the US Attorney's office. She doesn't even realize that she is Donna's token black friend. Still, let's try to break down the favor that she owed Donna for. She is black and her last name is Liston, so clearly, she is the daughter (possibly granddaughter) of Sonny Liston. Liston famously lost twice to Muhammad Ali. Since Ali's boxing career ended in 1981, it seems unlikely that she fixed the Trevor Berbick fight, but then Laila Ali got into boxing. She finished undefeated...in the boxing ring. But years later, she got into Dancing with the Stars and only took third place. Does Donna have the pull to fix Dancing with the Stars? If so, it's probably not that big of a deal that Steph gave her private information. But it was still stupid to have Donna fix the contest; nobody was beating Apolo Anton Ohno.

9. Eric Woodall - He is bald and ugly, so he has nothing but time to try to bring down Harvey using nefarious means. Trying to use the Patriot Act against Mike Ross but having no idea that Louis learned the Patriot Lock from Jack Swagger. He had no choice but to tap out.

10. Jessica Pearson - Her firm was nearly destroyed, and she responded by stepping up and...doing nothing. I guess she had looks of concern at different times, but I need her to step up and haul ass on fools. She is not an ass kicker, and that is why she is stuck in the minor leagues of big time law.

11. Donna Paulsen - Donna knows everything, and she is definitely going to hold that over your head for the rest of your life, but she's like totally a great friend. Still she helped Harvey and more importantly savd Quelling, which was the right thing to do, because incompetent lawyers should be able to practice law (And if in you're head, you are accusing me of just hating Donna for leading to Scotty's demise, you are probably 93% correct. I'm fine with it).

12. James Quelling - Nearly came to blows with Harvey, but anybody who goes toe-to-toe with Harvey and doesn't get dropped deserves to keep practicing law. Little known lawyer fact, half of cases are actually decided by shoving matches.

13. Allison Holt - Fired Harold Gunderson? This is indisputable evidence that gingers have no soul.