Monday, March 28, 2016

Which Sport Has The Dumbest Athletes?

Athletes are very physically gifted. People want to talk about hard work and grit, but even your Danny Woodheads are far greater natural athletes than anyone you know. The good news is there is balance in this world where they are also very dumb. This does not include all athletes, as there are some chosen few who are incredibly gifted and self-aware and intelligent people. But even these people realize that most athletes are very stupid human beings. Still, their specific skills have led them to incredible riches, so good for them. Still, I wanted to take a look at which athletes are the dumbest of the dumb. Let's count it down from ten.

10. Soccer
I'm not necessarily a soccer fan, but soccer players seem like they have this whole thing figured out. Their sport is pretty safe, and they make tons of money off of it. Plus, it is a worldwide sport, so they have their pick of the litter when it comes to females around the world. The great thing about it is that there are so many levels of soccer that they can just go to different countries with worse soccer leagues, and be treated like a god until they're finally in the MLS where they compete against local elementary school teams.

This doesn't even include the flopping, which is very smart. You get credit for faking injuries, and then once the referee punishes the other team, you can just go about your day like you weren't acting like you got shot a minute ago. But hot chicks and plenty of outlets to continue to make lots of money. That's a smart sport to get into.

Oh, and just so I'm not too nice to soccer, this sport is balanced out by their fans who are probably the dumbest people on the planet. They murder people over soccer; that is very, very dumb. Stop doing that, soccer fans.

9. Tennis
Tennis players have it pretty great. They travel the world, stay in 5-star accommodations, and make really good money for what is not a physically taxing sport AT ALL. And then when it's all over, they can fade into a normal life. You know what Pete Sampras is up to these days? I sure as hell don't, because tennis players just get to go on and live their lives. The only reason they didn't get the smartest athletes is that Andre Agassi not only wore a wig, but he wore a mullet wig for years. Like, he made that decision.

8. Hockey
Hockey is a pretty violent sport, but there isn't a ton of tragedy in it, and they get to live as normal human beings. They can just kind of cruise around and be normal guys, but then they can get around beautiful women, casually drop that they are professional hockey players and easily seduce a girl that Mystery was running a gambit on before he even has a chance to do a magic trick.

7. Pro Wrestlers
I would have put pro wrestlers as the smartest if there wasn't such a crazy death rate. They're the only athletes that are actually expected to talk intelligently, so they all have to have a decent amount of brains in their heads. Unfortunately, there's simply too many tragedies of head trauma and guys thinking they're invincible to put them in a better spot.

6. Golfers
Golfers are incredibly far up their own ass. That more makes them pricks than stupid, but trust me, these are stupid pricks. Golfers are all secretly and sometimes outwardly racist, and they seem to hate women. Also, any sport that has people trying to hold onto "honor" and "integrity" is a sport full of morons. The thing that saves them is a lack of any physicality in the sport and a pretty sweet travel schedule.

5. Basketball
Basketball players are a harmless sort of stupid. Like, they're not intelligent, but they also are pretty relaxed about that fact. They're kind of in on the fact that they are stupid, but also stupid athletic, so they know the balance of the world. It's a charming sort of stupidity, like a dog with boots on.


4. Football
This is mostly due to getting in a sport where your brain is going to be scrambled by the time that you are done. The only reason it is not higher is some guys still have to take it as a way to get their families out of poverty, and they are kind of the great hope. I am sympathetic in that the sport kind of requires you to feel as if you are invincible. As bad as getting in a brain scrambling sport is, it probably pales in comparison to former players talking about "protecting the shield" as if getting drunk or doing drugs is nearly as bad as messing up people's brains to the point where they feel the only option is suicide.

3. Combat Sports
It's like football with the brain scrambling but without the great payoff when you become one of the best. Yes, some guys are making millions of dollars, but even in the UFC, you have guys making $8,000 to fight and another $8,000 to win. Some guys only get two fights a year, so, yeah, that's not a great living. Also, as someone who trains at an MMA gym, I can tell you that it is a very stupid place. Anything that was funny to you in high school is still funny to everyone at an MMA gym. My belief is that this is true in all sports, but I can only give firsthand knowledge of the combat sports world.

2. Crossfitters
Now a lot of people like to shit on crossfitters, but I'm not here to (totally) do that. If you find a workout that you enjoy, and it doesn't injure you, that's wonderful. The second part is the problem with Crossfitters. I'm not amazed that people who do Crossfit suffer serious injuries; I'm amazed that they still rave about Crossfit and promise to start doing it again. That is very stupid. Also, Crossfit acts as a cult, and looking through history, no cult members are ever lauded for their intelligence.

1. Baseball
Baseball players top the list, because they are not only stupid, but they are also babies. They are stupid babies. Like golfers, they crave a simpler time when people just kept their head down, did their job, and fought for segregation and the right to beat their spouses. One thing that adds to their overall stupidity is how young baseball players get into the professional side of things. For Latin Americans, they get in at age 16, and there are many Americans who get in at 18. This is not a matter of education, as I don't equate education to intelligence. It's just that many people stop maturing from the time they get in that locker room. It's a collective stupidity

They also cannot handle that somebody would be happy and find it worthwhile to show their happiness when they do something well, because everything done in baseball is conceived as a personal attack against the opponent. That is because they are babies. Baseball wants to be a "man's" sport, but it's the sport of petulant children.

Speaking of children, Adam LaRoche quit baseball because his 14-year-old son couldn't hang out with him in the clubhouse EVERY SINGLE DAY. Now, it is one thing for Adam LaRoche to quit baseball for this reason. He decided the only way he could continue to play is if his son was around all the time. But Chris Sale screamed at the Team President, and Adam Eaton called the 14-year-old a "leader." If you consider a 14-year-old a leader, you are a very stupid person. Even when I was 14, I didn't consider 14-year-olds leaders, because I knew they were dumbasses. The last time I thought a 14-year-old was a leader was probably when I was 12. At that point, I didn't like girls, had poor hygeine, and was nWo 4 Life. The last one never changed, and apparently 12-year-old me was still smart enough to not only survive, but thrive in a baseball locker room.

Congratulations, baseball players. In the land of idiot athletes, you reign supreme.

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