Which Sport Has The Dumbest Athletes?

Athletes are very physically gifted. People want to talk about hard work and grit, but even your Danny Woodheads are far greater natural athletes than anyone you know. The good news is there is balance in this world where they are also very dumb. This does not include all athletes, as there are some chosen few who are incredibly gifted and self-aware and intelligent people. But even these people realize that most athletes are very stupid human beings. Still, their specific skills have led them to incredible riches, so good for them. Still, I wanted to take a look at which athletes are the dumbest of the dumb. Let's count it down from ten.

10. Soccer
I'm not necessarily a soccer fan, but soccer players seem like they have this whole thing figured out. Their sport is pretty safe, and they make tons of money off of it. Plus, it is a worldwide sport, so they have their pick of the litter when it comes to females around the world. The great thing about it is that there are so many levels of soccer that they can just go to different countries with worse soccer leagues, and be treated like a god until they're finally in the MLS where they compete against local elementary school teams.

This doesn't even include the flopping, which is very smart. You get credit for faking injuries, and then once the referee punishes the other team, you can just go about your day like you weren't acting like you got shot a minute ago. But hot chicks and plenty of outlets to continue to make lots of money. That's a smart sport to get into.

Oh, and just so I'm not too nice to soccer, this sport is balanced out by their fans who are probably the dumbest people on the planet. They murder people over soccer; that is very, very dumb. Stop doing that, soccer fans.

9. Tennis
Tennis players have it pretty great. They travel the world, stay in 5-star accommodations, and make really good money for what is not a physically taxing sport AT ALL. And then when it's all over, they can fade into a normal life. You know what Pete Sampras is up to these days? I sure as hell don't, because tennis players just get to go on and live their lives. The only reason they didn't get the smartest athletes is that Andre Agassi not only wore a wig, but he wore a mullet wig for years. Like, he made that decision.

8. Hockey
Hockey is a pretty violent sport, but there isn't a ton of tragedy in it, and they get to live as normal human beings. They can just kind of cruise around and be normal guys, but then they can get around beautiful women, casually drop that they are professional hockey players and easily seduce a girl that Mystery was running a gambit on before he even has a chance to do a magic trick.

7. Pro Wrestlers
I would have put pro wrestlers as the smartest if there wasn't such a crazy death rate. They're the only athletes that are actually expected to talk intelligently, so they all have to have a decent amount of brains in their heads. Unfortunately, there's simply too many tragedies of head trauma and guys thinking they're invincible to put them in a better spot.

6. Golfers
Golfers are incredibly far up their own ass. That more makes them pricks than stupid, but trust me, these are stupid pricks. Golfers are all secretly and sometimes outwardly racist, and they seem to hate women. Also, any sport that has people trying to hold onto "honor" and "integrity" is a sport full of morons. The thing that saves them is a lack of any physicality in the sport and a pretty sweet travel schedule.

5. Basketball
Basketball players are a harmless sort of stupid. Like, they're not intelligent, but they also are pretty relaxed about that fact. They're kind of in on the fact that they are stupid, but also stupid athletic, so they know the balance of the world. It's a charming sort of stupidity, like a dog with boots on.


4. Football
This is mostly due to getting in a sport where your brain is going to be scrambled by the time that you are done. The only reason it is not higher is some guys still have to take it as a way to get their families out of poverty, and they are kind of the great hope. I am sympathetic in that the sport kind of requires you to feel as if you are invincible. As bad as getting in a brain scrambling sport is, it probably pales in comparison to former players talking about "protecting the shield" as if getting drunk or doing drugs is nearly as bad as messing up people's brains to the point where they feel the only option is suicide.

3. Combat Sports
It's like football with the brain scrambling but without the great payoff when you become one of the best. Yes, some guys are making millions of dollars, but even in the UFC, you have guys making $8,000 to fight and another $8,000 to win. Some guys only get two fights a year, so, yeah, that's not a great living. Also, as someone who trains at an MMA gym, I can tell you that it is a very stupid place. Anything that was funny to you in high school is still funny to everyone at an MMA gym. My belief is that this is true in all sports, but I can only give firsthand knowledge of the combat sports world.

2. Crossfitters
Now a lot of people like to shit on crossfitters, but I'm not here to (totally) do that. If you find a workout that you enjoy, and it doesn't injure you, that's wonderful. The second part is the problem with Crossfitters. I'm not amazed that people who do Crossfit suffer serious injuries; I'm amazed that they still rave about Crossfit and promise to start doing it again. That is very stupid. Also, Crossfit acts as a cult, and looking through history, no cult members are ever lauded for their intelligence.

1. Baseball
Baseball players top the list, because they are not only stupid, but they are also babies. They are stupid babies. Like golfers, they crave a simpler time when people just kept their head down, did their job, and fought for segregation and the right to beat their spouses. One thing that adds to their overall stupidity is how young baseball players get into the professional side of things. For Latin Americans, they get in at age 16, and there are many Americans who get in at 18. This is not a matter of education, as I don't equate education to intelligence. It's just that many people stop maturing from the time they get in that locker room. It's a collective stupidity

They also cannot handle that somebody would be happy and find it worthwhile to show their happiness when they do something well, because everything done in baseball is conceived as a personal attack against the opponent. That is because they are babies. Baseball wants to be a "man's" sport, but it's the sport of petulant children.

Speaking of children, Adam LaRoche quit baseball because his 14-year-old son couldn't hang out with him in the clubhouse EVERY SINGLE DAY. Now, it is one thing for Adam LaRoche to quit baseball for this reason. He decided the only way he could continue to play is if his son was around all the time. But Chris Sale screamed at the Team President, and Adam Eaton called the 14-year-old a "leader." If you consider a 14-year-old a leader, you are a very stupid person. Even when I was 14, I didn't consider 14-year-olds leaders, because I knew they were dumbasses. The last time I thought a 14-year-old was a leader was probably when I was 12. At that point, I didn't like girls, had poor hygeine, and was nWo 4 Life. The last one never changed, and apparently 12-year-old me was still smart enough to not only survive, but thrive in a baseball locker room.

Congratulations, baseball players. In the land of idiot athletes, you reign supreme.

My First MLS Game

I went to my first MLS game this past weekend as Orlando City SC took on FC Dallas. This writing is probably the first time I have actually gotten the team names correct. So, as you could probably guess, I am not much of a soccer fan.

Even though I'm not a soccer fan, I am enough of a sports fan that I have at least enough knowledge to carry on a conversation about the sport. Because of my limited knowledge about soccer, I decided to look up the rosters of the two teams to see how many guys I knew. The answer was one. Kaka was on Orlando City, and I only knew him from my days of playing FIFA 2002. I remember Kaka being awesome, so I was pretty excited to see him play. Of course, I found out when we got there that he had a red card in the previous game, so he wouldn't be playing. You really dropped the ball on that one, soccer.

Still, there are good things about attending a soccer matchup. The best thing about soccer is the size of the players. As someone who stands just 5'9", I enjoy that I can relate to players who are actually my size. Also, since soccer isn't a real sport, their total lack of athleticism also makes them easier to relate to...just kidding soccer fans. They are real athletes, as was evident from this 5'4" guy on Dallas who was quick as shit. With a guy that small and that quick, I decided that he was my favorite player, so congratulations on that Michael Barrios.

But to me, soccer is a game of almost-exciting moments. You'll see a guy streaking down the field with the ball, but he won't be able to get the ball centered in any meaningful way, so there isn't really any legitimate shot at a goal. You'll see a big pass down the field that gets intercepted by the defense and slowly moved in the opposite direction. There are the occasional moments that lead to shots on goal, but those are almost always missed, so you're left waiting for a climax.

Basically what I'm saying is soccer is the sports world's version of soaking. There's nothing wrong with that, but since I am an adult, I have a finite time for sports, and soccer just isn't going to make the cut for me. Still, it was a fine experience, and I would recommend giving it a try. It's a good chance to get outside and soak in the sun; just don't count on climaxing.

Wrestling Is My Soccer

The World Cup is alive and kicking (see what I did there?). Everybody is excited, and as a non-soccer fan, it gets kind of annoying. I have nothing against soccer; it is simply a sport that doesn't capture my attention. But I did have to do some self-searching and find out why I was so annoyed by the World Cup. Honestly, it's jealousy. Nearly everyone is talking about soccer, and I wish it were the same way for wrestling. When a big wrestling event happens, it's rarely on live television, and even on those occasions, very few people are talking about it. I'm jealous of soccer's success, because wrestling is my soccer, and it has yet to make those steps towards mainstream popularity.

We're outcasts, as neither sport is one of the big three sports. None of my good friends care about wrestling, so when I find someone who does, I instantly have the highest opinion of that person. At that point, you could tell me anything about that person, and I can justify it. "Oh, he eats the souls of children? Well, those kids were just going to turn into bastard teenagers anyway. Besides, he made a really good point about what Metcalf is going to have to do to get past the guy from Azerbaijan (I actually don't know if Azerbaijan is strong at this weight; I just wanted to show off that I can spell Azerbaijan)."

Most importantly, soccer fans and wrestling fans are amazed when people don't get excited about the sport. It's so incredibly exciting to us that it is hard for us to listen to people who cannot appreciate what they are watching. Anybody can get excited as they watch Messi control a soccer ball with his foot as well as Peyton Manning controls a football with an arm, or seeing Jordan Burroughs take a shot and then reshoot with his double leg in the blink of an eye. But for fans of the sport, it's that average play in soccer that amazes them like a normal clinch is one of the most fascinating things to watch in wrestling as there are so many subtleties from two guys working hard as they jockey for position.

I hope that wrestling will one day have what soccer has. I doubt it is going to happen, but I would have said the same thing about soccer 20 years ago. The key is going to be a television deal. Fox Sports makes so much sense that it's ridiculous. Every great wrestler is asked about whether they will try to make it in the UFC, so the tie-in is already there, and if they can steal the NCAA Championships, put on a premium duel each week, along with major events like The Southern Scuffle and National Duels to build up the audience. With that, add the big freestyle events, like the team trials and world championships. But that's big picture. On a smaller scale, go to FloWrestling, watch the freestyle matches from the World Team Trials; they're all pretty incredible. And you may find that you still don't like wrestling, which is totally fine, as I still don't care about soccer, but getting exposed to something new and awesome is one of the best things we can do with our time, so all I'm asking is give wrestling a chance.

I want what soccer has. I'm totally jealous (and slightly bitter) that wrestling is not nearly as popular. I want what you have, so all I can really say is, enjoy it soccer fans. And prepare to be annoyed when I tweet the shit out of the world championships in September.

The One Time I Held A Gun

I am not a violent person. I'm basically a giant pussy when it comes down to it. I've never been in a fight, and outside of one time, I have never had my hands on a gun, outside of the two I'm carrying around at all times (flexes, audience holds back laughter [imaginary audience, because nobody actually watches me blog]). But there was that one time that I was given a real gun and told to open fire. Here is my story.

So the beginning is going to make me sound way cooler than I actually was. I was friends with these twins in high school and their parents went out of town. If my memory serves correct, they threw a party the night before and ended up having a Culligan jug of coins stolen. So they were a little freaked out about that. They had some of their girl friends along with me and some of my buddies stay over at the house. Yeah, so girls wanted me to "stay over" at the house for "protection." Hot shit, right?

I took full advantage of the situation. While everyone hung out upstairs and socialized, I went down to the basement, turned on the Sega Genesis and played FIFA 94 for hours on end to play out a World Cup Tournament where I was at least one team in every game. So, like I said, the beginning of the story made me sound way cooler than I was.

It got to night time and a couple of the girls were hanging out in the room next to the video game room, so there was occasional conversation between us. They probably wanted me to do boy/girl stuff, but I wasn't falling for that. Besides, I was busy. I had played all day and finally gotten down to the championship between Argentina and Germany. Things were going pretty dang well.

All of a sudden, I heard a popping noise coming from upstairs. I wouldn't have thought anything of it had it not been followed by screaming by all the girls and then some yelling from my buddies. Ugh, I just started the World Cup Final, and now I have to put it on pause. The two girls in the room next to me are screaming for me to do something since they think it might be somebody shooting at the house. So I make my way upstairs to get this figured out so I can get back to important business.

The girls upstairs are frantic, and my buddies took fireplace pokers and went after the people who were outside the house. Then, one of the twins runs down with .44 Magnum (not sure if this was the actual gun, but from a quick Google search, it was something similar. Call me Mr. Gun Nut) and hands it to me to go out there and protect the house by summoning my inner Bronson and blasting everyone in sight. She hands me the gun, and I instinctively handle it like I'm getting a batch of cookies out of the oven. It takes about three seconds of holding it before I gently place it on a table, and tell her, "I don't think we're going to need to use deadly force."

By the time I got outside to...help? I guess. My friends were already heading back as they found out it was just some other guys we went to high school with who set off firecrackers by the front door. Everybody was okay.

This would seem to be a happy ending, right? You couldn't be more wrong. The girls down in the basement jumped into the video game room for safety, kicked the Genesis and froze the game. Everything that I had worked so hard for had been taken away from me. This would have been the perfect opportunity for me to turn my attention to the ladies as they were no doubt turned on by the fact that my friends jumped into danger, and I kept my calm instead of murdering innocent people. Did I take advantage? No, I pouted, because the idiots couldn't successfully jump behind a bed without throwing their foot out like a goddamned rag doll.

This may surprise you, but I didn't do real well with the ladies early on in life.

And that's the story of the one time I held a gun.

Breaking Down the Pepsi Soccer Commercial

I do not want to go into great details like I did on the Verizon NFL Mobile commercial last week, but I still need to point out a few irritating aspects of the Pepsi Soccer/Concert commercial, because the lack of logic shown in it really bothers me. Here is the commercial, in its extended entirety:

I'm not going to stress much about how these guys come to a concert/rave/I don't know what the hell is going on later than everyone else, because they gots to have their space. I'm also not going to stress how illogical it is that this event has no alcohol being served, and not even pop served, just a single pop machine. Luckily, that did not sell out in 15 minutes, because nobody needed anything to drink with the techno beats quenching their thirst.

What really bothers me is that these guys are a bunch of dicks. They just decide to get up on the crowd and run around like a bunch of jackasses. Now, obviously this is impossible, because they would immediately plummet to the ground and get stomped on by the crowd, but there are some specifically egregious things that really bother me.

What really bothers me is that a guy slides across people's hands.

He probably broke like 16 people's wrists by doing this, and this is only so he can kick a glow-in-the-dark soccer ball. Seriously dude, grow the fuck up.

Finally, this ending really irritated me.

This asshole not only conned these innocent people into carrying a god damned Pepsi machine, which is a total dick move on its own. He tops it off by sitting on top of it as he smugly drinks his Pepsi. Somehow, he adds a third level to his douchery by having the Pepsi machine on its side, meaning that nobody else could get a Pepsi, even if they wanted to. Gravity has to bring the can down the chute. What a dick.

So, yeah, those are the big reasons why I hate this commercial.

What Would Men Do Without Sports?

This question never crossed my mind, because I didn’t know there were guys out there who didn’t like sports. Then I ran into real-life guys who had no interest in sports. I had always figured that, at worst, guys would have an interest in a borderline sport like soccer (I love pissing off soccer fans). But seriously, there are actually guys out there that have no interest in sports. I honestly don’t know what I would do with my life if I didn’t like sports.

When I’m at work, the only thing that gets me through the day is reading about sports in between the mundane and repetitive work that my job entails. I guess I could talk to the people I work with, but that is a situation I like to avoid as much as possible.

This doesn’t include all the time I spend watching sports on TV. Yes, there is a lot of good television on that does not involve sports, but just think about anytime you go out drinking. I went out for Cinco de Mayo, but also watched the UFC fights as well as the NBA, because the only alternative was talking with my idiot buddies. They’re great friends, but they are also much better in small doses.

Plus, how in the hell did people learn math without sports? Their teachers? Fuck that. I could multiply by 7s better than any other number, because of running up the score on Tecmo Super Bowl. I knew how to do division, because I needed to know how to figure out Kirby Puckett’s new batting average after going 3-for-4 in a game.

I honestly would have no idea how to push myself without sports. I remember being in junior high and running underneath the heater while bundled up in sweatshirts and sweatpants to lose that last pound so I could make weight for wrestling. I remember running sprints at the end of practice when my legs were screaming for me to stop, but to continue on through, not because I wanted to, but because that’s what you did.

Sports taught me emotion. The highest of highs and the lowest of lows almost always involved sports.  I remember watching the 2008 Cubs clinch the division against the Cardinals, and my buddies and I staying for an hour after the game just drinking and having a great time. It’s not always great. When the 1998 Cubs got eliminated from the playoffs by the Braves, I cried. I was fourteen years old, and I realize that that makes me look like a crybaby bitch, but I loved that team. RIP Rod Beck.

So what do guys do without sports? I actually found out recently. There I was, having a completely normal discussion about sports and the value that Hulk Hogan created in our society. They looked at me as if I wasn’t even speaking English. Then these two assclowns went back and forth on the Lifetime movies they like to watch. My jaw dropped. I couldn’t believe it. I wanted to tell them to get fucked. I wanted to tell them how worthless their lives were. I wanted to do society a favor and end them. Lucky for them, I needed to get back to my computer to see how my fantasy baseball team was doing.

See? Sports can even keep you out of prison.

Sports are the best.