Thursday, May 26, 2016

Cauliflower Ear Is the Only Tattoo I Need

I'm not a big tattoo guy, which is another way of saying that I have zero tattoos. Now I have no real issue with tattoos, as people are free to decorate/design their body as they see fit, but for me personally, I have just never had anything I wanted to have on my body for the rest of my life. Like, there's no way I'm going to get something involving my wife. I love her more than anything and we're great, but shit can change, you know? I mean, I will forever be a fan of the Iowa Hawkeyes, but what if they have a big rape scandal like Penn State? Do I really want to have to explain that every time I pop my shirt off? The answer is no, I don't. And then there's the greatest tattoo ever.
It simply doesn't get better than a full back tattoo of the grim reaper snuggling a little baby with a German phrase, "God is with us" above it. Yes, totally badass, but maybe a little much for a guy who is only 5'9" and 150 pounds.

So I live my life without any ink on my body. Luckily, there is another option for me to mutilate myself in order to show my individuality, and that mutilation is the Cauliflower Ear. Growing up, cauliflower ear was seen as a gross thing that you should do everything you could to avoid. So, I did that, as I always wore my headgear in wrestling and kept my ears in pristine condition.

In my mid-20s, I went down to Jackson-Winkeljohn to learn the wonderful world of mixed martial arts. This was a grind, and one day after a hard practice, I noticed that my left ear was swollen. I checked it out in a mirror and realized that it was about twice the size of my other ear. Since I was still a single guy, I decided I would start wearing headgear again while grappling, because I needed to stay pretty if I was going to find myself a wife.

Fast forward five years later, with a wife and a dog, I found myself scratching that MMA itch again, and since I didn't need to be pretty, I left the headgear in my gym bag and just got after it. Lo and behold, the cauliflower ear came back and is here to stay. Now, it's not quite the doubling effect that I had at my worst, but if you look at my right and left ears, you can tell that the left ear is noticeably swollen.

This is my tattoo, and it's really grown on me. It's subtle enough that you'd have to really be looking for it to notice, but when people do notice, I get instant credibility that I am not a man to be trifled with, and thank god, because I seriously do not want to be trifled with. But my left ear that is cauliflowered is my tattoo, and I'm cool with that being permanent. It's not something you ask for; it's something that you earn. It's not just a tattoo; it's a badge of honor. I weirdly love my cauliflower ear.

And again, please don't trifle with me; I'm not tough, and I'm way too old to be getting in fights, so I'm really counting on the appearance of this ear to protect me.

No comments:

Post a Comment