Cauliflower Ear Is the Only Tattoo I Need

I'm not a big tattoo guy, which is another way of saying that I have zero tattoos. Now I have no real issue with tattoos, as people are free to decorate/design their body as they see fit, but for me personally, I have just never had anything I wanted to have on my body for the rest of my life. Like, there's no way I'm going to get something involving my wife. I love her more than anything and we're great, but shit can change, you know? I mean, I will forever be a fan of the Iowa Hawkeyes, but what if they have a big rape scandal like Penn State? Do I really want to have to explain that every time I pop my shirt off? The answer is no, I don't. And then there's the greatest tattoo ever.

It simply doesn't get better than a full back tattoo of the grim reaper snuggling a little baby with a German phrase, "God is with us" above it. Yes, totally badass, but maybe a little much for a guy who is only 5'9" and 150 pounds.

So I live my life without any ink on my body. Luckily, there is another option for me to mutilate myself in order to show my individuality, and that mutilation is the Cauliflower Ear. Growing up, cauliflower ear was seen as a gross thing that you should do everything you could to avoid. So, I did that, as I always wore my headgear in wrestling and kept my ears in pristine condition.

In my mid-20s, I went down to Jackson-Winkeljohn to learn the wonderful world of mixed martial arts. This was a grind, and one day after a hard practice, I noticed that my left ear was swollen. I checked it out in a mirror and realized that it was about twice the size of my other ear. Since I was still a single guy, I decided I would start wearing headgear again while grappling, because I needed to stay pretty if I was going to find myself a wife.

Fast forward five years later, with a wife and a dog, I found myself scratching that MMA itch again, and since I didn't need to be pretty, I left the headgear in my gym bag and just got after it. Lo and behold, the cauliflower ear came back and is here to stay. Now, it's not quite the doubling effect that I had at my worst, but if you look at my right and left ears, you can tell that the left ear is noticeably swollen.

This is my tattoo, and it's really grown on me. It's subtle enough that you'd have to really be looking for it to notice, but when people do notice, I get instant credibility that I am not a man to be trifled with, and thank god, because I seriously do not want to be trifled with. But my left ear that is cauliflowered is my tattoo, and I'm cool with that being permanent. It's not something you ask for; it's something that you earn. It's not just a tattoo; it's a badge of honor. I weirdly love my cauliflower ear.

And again, please don't trifle with me; I'm not tough, and I'm way too old to be getting in fights, so I'm really counting on the appearance of this ear to protect me.

UFC on Fox: Johnson vs. Dodson Predictions

So I'm going to the UFC on Fox card this coming Saturday. I am very pumped as it will not only be my first UFC card, it is also just a really stacked card. I know which fight I am most excited about, but there are like five fights that are close in being the second most exciting fight to watch.

I'll admit I didn't look that hard for odds on fights, but I found them for the main card. Two fights that are not on the main card are Ryan Bader vs. Vladimir Matyushenko and Clay Guida making his featherweight debut against Hatsu Hioki. I'm taking Bader and Guida in those fights, although I do feel that the Janitor is very underrated. I think Guida could be a real force at 145, because his lack of size at lightweight was probably his biggest issue. Also, Clay Guida is an awesome dude, and that slightly factors into my picks.

TJ Grant (-120) over Matt Wiman
I think TJ Grant will be too physical for Wiman. I think he will bully him in the clinch and be able to take him to the ground if he chooses to. I see it as a close fight, but I think Grant will win a decision.

Erik Koch (-150) over Ricardo Lamas
I think this is a real even matchup. Both of these guys are very tough featherweights, and it should be a fun stylistic match. Koch will want to keep the fight standing and strike, while Lamas is going to look to take him down. I think both guys will be successful at different points of the fight, but I see Koch keeping it standing enough to earn a decision over Lamas. Still, it should be a fun fight to watch.

Anthony Pettis (-120) over Donald Cerrone
Although Pettis was not impressive against Clay Guida or Jeremy Stephens, he looked like his old self when he decimated Joe Lauzon. He has had a year off due to injuries, so it is tough to say if he can pick up where he left off, but I really believe he can. Cerrone is one of the toughest guys in the UFC, so I really hate to pick against him. Still, the matchups that will cause Pettis problems are wrestlers, and Cerrone will stand up with him and trade shots. I think Pettis will get the better of more exchanges to earn the victory.

Glover Teixeira (-300) over Quinton Jackson
In these other fights, I really hate picking against either of the guys in the fight. In this fight, I would like to pick against both of these guys. Teixeira hasn't lost in nearly eight years. That's insane, but he also hasn't fought the best competition, so I still think it is hard to say that this guy is one of the best light heavyweights in the world. On the other hand, Rampage hasn't been the same guy in a while. I feel like most fighters have progressed past him, where he is just trying to maintain his old level of skill as opposed to striving for improvement. He's said this will be his last fight in the UFC, and he just doesn't seem like a guy who wants it as bad as he used to. Hopefully he can move past fighting and live a life, because I have a feeling that a lot of his contemporaries are going to run into some mental health issues down the road. Teixeira by submission in the second round.

John Dodson (+175) over Demetrious Johnson
I am going to be up front about something. I was trained by John Dodson. He is an awesome guy, and the main reason I am going to this UFC card is to support him and hopefully watch him win the UFC Flyweight Championship. Obviously, it's tough for me to give an unbiased opinion on this fight, but the more I think about the fight, the more I believe that John Dodson will win. I'll admit that when I first heard the matchup, I thought that it would be a tough matchup for Dodson. As I have thought about it more, I think it's a tough matchup for both guys. I don't know if anybody is as fast as Demetrious Johnson. That dude is incredible. But Dodson is incredibly fast too. I think the speed advantage probably goes to Johnson since he is more active with his footwork. But power, without a doubt, goes to Dodson. All it takes is one shot with a guy like that, and he can end the fight. Johnson does a very good job of picking his shots with takedowns, but Dodson has very good defensive wrestling. On top of that, both guys come from very good training camps. Oh yeah, and neither of these guys have been finished.

So with all that information...well, shit, these guys are pretty damn evenly matched. I do see this match being won on the feet, so it's a matter of picking a preference of Johnson's speed versus Dodson's power. I just don't see Johnson being able to pop in, land shots, and pop out without taking some shots from Dodson. I'm going with John Dodson by TKO in the fourth round.

Even though I'm not sure what's going to happen in the fights, I am sure that it will be a hell of a night of fights, and I'm pumped for it.

WAR LITTLE JOHN.

The Ultimate Fighter Finale Preview

I really haven't written anything about Mixed Martial Arts in quite a while, but I was inspired by the recent season of The Ultimate Fighter, so I figured I would share my thoughts with the world. Let's go over the Ultimate Fighter finals as well as the coaches fight.

Bantamweight Final: John Dodson vs. T.J. Dillashaw
Not gonna lie, I'm horribly biased in my prediction for this fight. Dodson was one of my main coaches when I trained at Jackson's, and not only is he an awesome coach to have, he's also just a really good guy. Although the conditioning we did on Thursdays sometimes bordered on cruel and unusual punishment, it definitely helped me get in, by far, the best shape of my life.

As for real analysis of the fight, Dodson has most of the advantages. I don't think Dillashaw wants to stand with him for very long periods of time, so he is going to try to take the fight to the ground. From what I have seen, and because of his size advantage, Dillashaw is probably the better wrestler, but Dodson is incredibly hard to take down, and as people have seen on The Ultimate Fighter, he is even tougher to keep down.

I think the fight is going to end up a lot like the Johnny Bedford fight in the final episode. I think Dillashaw will get a takedown; I think Dodson will get up, and I think Dodson will TKO him in the second round.

Dodson by TKO - Second Round

Featherweight Final: Diego Brando vs. Dennis Bermudez
I am less biased in this one, but admittedly, still biased. Diego also trains at Jackson's, and if you saw the show, it's a pretty accurate portrayal of him. He's a real nice guy for the most part, but if you get on his bad side, he will destroy you. I only had a few interactions with him, and luckily, always remained on his good side.

In the fight, I really have trouble seeing Bermudez win this in any way. His only hope is to take Diego down and pull a lay and pray for three rounds. Not only is it going to be difficult to do, but Brandao has really good jiu-jitsu, so even on the ground, he could finish the fight. I don't think Bermudez gets it there, and this fight ends like all of Diego's other fights, first round knockout.

Brandao by KO - First Round

Michael Bisping vs. Jason "Mayhem" Miller
No bias in this fight. Miller has always been solid, but he has never shown any elite skills. Bisping also isn't a guy with a lot of "wow" factor in his game, but he's really good everywhere. Although I dislike Bisping, I think he probably wins this fight, although I will definitely be rooting for Mayhem, because I'm American.

Bisping by Decision

-Joe

P.S. The Post Script has slowly turned into an advertisement for the Twitter handle of @si_vault, but when they post awesome things like a picture of Michael Jackson and Bo Jackson throwing a football together, it's really tough to not share it with the world.

That's just...perfect.

The Ultimate Warrior Now Has Twitter

To say the timing of my following of the Ultimate Warrior was fortuitous is a gross understatement of how perfectly that I timed this. Right after I announced that I was following The Warrior, he not only started posting videos like they are going out of style, but he has started a Twitter account. And like all things Ultimate Warrior, it's fucking amazing.

He started out his Twitter feed in the least surprising manner...by talking shit to Hulk Hogan.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

@HulkHogan4Real Karma is coming to collect Terry.

I really think that this was Ultimate Warrior's number one purpose for setting up a Twitter account. Hulk Hogan hasn't been acknowledging him as a threat, so he figured he'd let it be known that he is going to put a bullet in Hulkamania. But that's not all as he totally burned Hogan with another tweet.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

@OfficialHTM Absolute BS! Good to hear from you man. Stay active, passionate and healthy!! Hogan has no spine, no pun intended!

I'll admit, it took me a while to understand the "no pun intended" part of this tweet. I finally realized he was referring to Hulk's numerous back surgeries. Personally, I feel like instead of going with "no pun intended" a better way to end that tweet would have been with a "Hogan has no spine, literally!" To each their own.

But then Warrior got really steamed. Hulk Hogan had the audacity to block people who were talking shit to him on Twitter, which is completely unreasonable in the land of the Warrior. Twitter alone was no longer enough for The Warrior, he decided to go back to his trusted friend, YouTube to create this:

I've watched this video about two dozen times. Each time I am absolutely mesmerized. I love that he calls it a social networking party, and uses that to challenge Hulk Hogan's former partying days. I love that he says that Hulk Hogan has a womanly handshake. And I love that he tells Hogan that he and his Warriors are going to bust down the wall of his (theoretical social networking party) house if he won't let them through the (theoretical) front door. He then gives an awesome diabolical laugh to end the video. It's all phenomenal.

How do you top that? For normal beings, they wouldn't be able to. For the Warrior, it's a piece of cake. Yesterday morning, he topped his amazing video when he greeted his Twitter followers with this message:

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

Morning, warriors. Yesterday is gone. Forever. Today, you rip fresh ass.

I wish I had something insightful to say, but it would only alter the perfection of that tweet.

-Joe

P.S. Macho Man may have tragically passed away, but he lives on in the Where's Randy Savage tumblr. This photo is amazing.

P.P.S. Here's a good article on Clay Guida who has a really interesting fight against Anthony Pettis tomorrow. The first four paragraphs gave me a good laugh, because I can vouch that John Dodson has been doing ridiculous moves like that before Pettis ever did it in his match against Ben Henderson.

Jose Canseco's Phone Number

So last night my brain nearly exploded, as Jose Canseco dropped this tweet on the world:

JoseCanseco If you guys want to talk to me on the phone call me at 310 862 6309. We can talk about anything,find out what's really going on in basball

Just so everyone knew it was real, he had a quick follow up:

JoseCanseco Call me you haters 310 862 6309 if you have the balls

Jose, are you questioning my testicular fortitude? You bet your ass I called that number immediately.

I know what everyone's thinking. If Joe and Jose talked, they are probably now best friends forever. When they hit the clubs, everyone will simply know them as "The New Bash Brothers." I completely agree that this is what should have happened.

Instead I got connected to something called My Fan Line. I have to give them a credit card number, and they charge it for each minute I talk to the celebrity. Now I have only browsed the website for about two minutes, but I cannot find the actual charges for any of this anywhere on the site. Also, I went to their Get Started page, and the only celebrities they had pictures of was Canseco and this guy:
I don't know who this is, so I'm gonna guess it is Shaggy. I don't remember what Shaggy looked like, but he seems like a guy who would smile on the beach as he played what appears to be a ukulele.

Part of the money goes to charity, which in Jose's case will probably be a very small amount. Jose decided to pick the most ridiculous charity possible as he selected B.A.T., and organization that helps out minor league baseball players. Just what we need, give money to potential millionaires. That seems like a worthy cause.

Despite this costing an unidentifiable amount, I'm not totally ruling out calling Canseco. Is this an extremely stupid waste of money for someone who is unemployed? Of course it is, but I have never lived my life by doing the "intelligent" thing. But I have decided that if I'm going to do it, I need to do it right. I need to come up with the most brilliant topics of conversation possible. So far, the best idea I have come up with is asking him to spell words. I'd basically like to give him a spelling test and publish the results. But there's so much potential with him, like:
Did Terry Steinbach juice?
Did it hurt when you assisted a home run with your head?
What's Hong Man Choi like in real life?
Who would win in a fight, you or the Ultimate Warrior?
Can we take steroids together sometime? And really, that would be about the coolest thing ever. Having a beer with the president would be neat, but having Jose Canseco put a needle in your ass, now that would be EPIC.

The list goes on and on, but I need the best and brightest (and by that I mean most hilarious) questions. I also need to do some research to see how much this is going to set me back. If you would like to donate to the cause or have a hilarious question, feel free to leave a comment on here, Facebook, Twitter, or e-mail. I'm accessible, as I have yet to set up my own Fan Line.

-Joe

P.S. I have to be a little weary of getting involved with My Fan Line after reading this.
OldHossRadbourn Hoss just tried calling J. Canseco and now I am stuck with a subscription to "Cross Stitch & Country Crafts" Magazine. I am not amused.

P.P.S. This totally seems like something I can convince one of my drunk buddies to put their credit card down on for our entertainment. Asay, I'm looking at you buddy.

The Grappling Tournament

I got to the tournament, and it is really a lot of sitting around. My division was the last division to go, so I got to sit back, relax and watch other people get all grapply with each other. Finally, after hours of watching grappling, my division was finally called upon. The only problem was that they forgot to put me in the bracket, so I became a last second replacement for some guy named Bye.

When my match was coming up, I'll admit the anticipation got to me, and I peed a little bit before the matches started. For me, it's not so much nerves as it is more than I just get really anxious for things to start. I hope no rich ladies who want to support me financially read this and are turned off by it, but hell, a little pee never hurt anybody. I could keep it in if I focused, but I like to stay relaxed so if a little squirts out, it ain’t gonna phase me.

Before I get into the matches, I just want to apologize. When I was grappling, I was not thinking about the blog, and that was inconsiderate of me. My matches were boring. Super boring. Basically, imagine the most boring MMA fight you have ever seen, and then take away all the strikes. These were my grappling matches, and I’m sorry for that. Hence, I’ll only go over the highlights of my matches.

Match One – I shot in on a single, held there for about two minutes, finally finished my takedown, and nothing else happened. Hence, I won the match.

This is when I learned how tiring grappling really is. After that first match, my entire upper body was burning. My arms were shaking so badly that I could barely drink water without spilling on myself. I just took deep breaths and tried to recover as much as I could in the time between matches.

Match Two – I took on a guy who got a bye in the first round. I took the lead early with a takedown, he tied it up, and then scored with fifteen seconds left. If he wouldn’t have had a bye, I probably would have won, but that’s just a weak ass excuse. I didn’t do what I needed to do.

Match Three – Douchebag kid takes a lead on me late. He had me in his guard, so I picked him up and slammed him. It looked something like this.
Except not really since I only slammed him from my knees, but the kid reacted like that is what happened. I almost got disqualified for it, but there were only like twenty seconds left, and he took two minutes to recover and then just held onto me for the win. The good news from this match is he was unable to continue in the tournament. So basically, I’m a rule-breaking monster who hurts people. Yes, this was definitely the highlight of my tournament. And honestly, I had a ton of people come up to me and say that my slam was great and that the kid I was facing was just a whiny little bitch, so that was nice.

Afterwards, I ended up talking with my coach for about half an hour. He told me that I was the person that they were least worried about coming into the tournament, because I looked so dominant in practice. This is good that I looked dominant, but it’s also a way of saying that I was kind of a disappointment in the tournament. Still, my coach suggested that I start going to the 10:30 class which is the invite-only class that all the pros go to. Am I going to go to that class? God no. That class would interfere with my pretty, and ain’t nothing gonna interfere with my pretty.

The tournament was a really good experience. I learned a ton, and I realized my biggest mistake was that I just didn’t have enough swagger going into it. If I would have gone in with the attitude that nobody was going to submit me no matter what I did, I could have ran through people and made it to the finals, but instead I played it safe. I was facing guys who had somewhere between two and six times as much experience as me, yet I was never in any danger. My problem was that I made minor mistakes that cost me matches. A wild pace with lots of scrambles can lead to bad things, but it’s also when I’m at my best because I almost always end up in a better position when a scramble is involved. Now I know, and knowing is half the battle.

Also, did I mention that I injured a guy? Yeah, that was awesome.

-Joe

P.S. If anybody is interested, I'm not sure what my body weight was on the day of the tournament, but I was back up to 148 by Monday, and I'm at 150 right now.

P.P.S. I’ve got a lot of pop culture coming next week, so if you thought my life was boring to read about, don’t worry, I’ve got some good social commentary already planned out.