Thursday, May 12, 2016

Do University of Phoenix Students Have Brains?

I'm not sure about you, but lately, I have been accosted about a University of Phoenix commercial that proposes that University of Phoenix students are ideal job candidates because of their online educational background. It has a very annoying song about having a brain in it, as it states that no matter what they have been through, they have brains, but, despite their best efforts, I do not feel that these people have done anything to show any bit of intelligence. In fact, I would like to rank the worst people to hire in this commercial, and trust me, it's quite a battle.

11. Life's short, talk is cheap
Okay, not sure why this guy is going to the University of Phoenix. He appears to wear suits and have his own office, so that's a pretty good sign that he's doing alright. He is wasting time at work studying for his online classes. The only logical conclusion is that this is a Kramer situation where he is just showing up to work instead of actually having a job there. He's probably able to use the internet for his assignments, so that's good hustle at least.

10. You can try to do it faster, I was born a multi-tasker
This is actually a surprise twist. The multi-tasker is not the mother who is breastfeeding and reading through Rob Gronkowski erotic fiction. It's the baby, as he is eating and getting to second base. Hey-o! Give that baby a job.

9. Got three kids, I never rest.
Okay, I really have no real beef with this lady. She's riding the bus and trying to do homework. This actually seems like a situation where an online university makes sense. Although one minor beef is that this looks like a bus with no seats.

8. Don't you want that kind of brain?
Most nondescript person in this commercial. She might be cousins with Snoop from The Wire. That's all I got.

7. I was raised against the grain
How in the hell did the University of Phoenix contact a hobo to get an online degree? This man is used to riding the rails. He's a damn vagabond. The man already has a degree in survival, I'm not sure how much his associate's is really going to help him. It also probably won't matter after he murders and eats the guy sleeping on his shoulder.

6. I'll be working while you sleep
So, people try to talk about farming being this podunk low-paying, salt of the earth occupation, but there's a lot of farmers making good money. And yeah, they wake up early, but the equipment basically drives itself. I mean, just look at the guy above. He's reading a book while taking care of his land. This is a man who was clearly tricked by the vulture sales team at University of Phoenix (I used to work at a for-profit college, and the bad stories about them tricking people into signing up are 100% true). This guy doesn't even need a job; he's just throwing money away getting a degree.

5. So my kids don't have to forage, got two jobs to pay the mortgage.
Okay, that is a lady who is not a stable parent. She has unruly children, and she is about to lose her shit. I mean, look at those eyes. This is not a woman who should be adding any more stress to her life. On top of this, she bought a house that was beyond her financial means and needs two jobs to pay the mortgage. That is very poor planning. Even if she gets an education, her instability is a liability, and that makes her a bad hire.

4. Still don't think I have a brain?
Oh god, she's been possessed by the devil. There is no brain activity going on in that head of hers, only the works of the devil. All employers stay away.

3. I took two bullets to the chest
Okay, like I at least get what they're trying to get across with the other people in this commercial, but this guy? How is that an appealing characteristic? Random people don't get shot all that much, and I think we all know that this guy got shot by his own child because he failed to put the safety on his gun. The really sad thing is that the child did it on two separate occasions, as the guy didn't even learn after the first bullet to the chest. I thought for sure this guy would win, so it is mind-boggling that he only made it to the third dumbest person on this list. Also, why are you boxing shirtless by yourself? Put on a damn shirt you goon.

2. You think a resume's enough? We'll step up when things get tough.
This is probably the most disturbing scene of the commercial. This man is carrying his mother in a frantic situation. I'm pretty sure the building is on fire. Instead of taking her out, he carries her deep into the building to sit her in a wheelchair in the middle of an empty room. He then leaves, and gives that haunting sigh that says, "Yes, this was the right decision." I do not want to hire that person. I don't want that person to get a degree. This is a monster. Fear this man.

1. A degree is a degree. You're gonna want someone like me. But only if you have a brain.
And somehow this is still a worse person. This woman is just straight up awful for what she does to this poor guy. He just wants to go home. They give you warnings at the library to state that it's going to be closing soon, so she knew not to get deep into anything. But does she care? No. in fact, she doesn't even give the common courtesy to look at this guy who has been working and just wants to go home and see his kids before they go to bed. Letting your mother burn is one thing, but this lady has gone too far. She doesn't have a brain. Hell, she doesn't even have a heart.


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