Do University of Phoenix Students Have Brains?

I'm not sure about you, but lately, I have been accosted about a University of Phoenix commercial that proposes that University of Phoenix students are ideal job candidates because of their online educational background. It has a very annoying song about having a brain in it, as it states that no matter what they have been through, they have brains, but, despite their best efforts, I do not feel that these people have done anything to show any bit of intelligence. In fact, I would like to rank the worst people to hire in this commercial, and trust me, it's quite a battle.

11. Life's short, talk is cheap

Okay, not sure why this guy is going to the University of Phoenix. He appears to wear suits and have his own office, so that's a pretty good sign that he's doing alright. He is wasting time at work studying for his online classes. The only logical conclusion is that this is a Kramer situation where he is just showing up to work instead of actually having a job there. He's probably able to use the internet for his assignments, so that's good hustle at least.

10. You can try to do it faster, I was born a multi-tasker

This is actually a surprise twist. The multi-tasker is not the mother who is breastfeeding and reading through Rob Gronkowski erotic fiction. It's the baby, as he is eating and getting to second base. Hey-o! Give that baby a job.

9. Got three kids, I never rest.

Okay, I really have no real beef with this lady. She's riding the bus and trying to do homework. This actually seems like a situation where an online university makes sense. Although one minor beef is that this looks like a bus with no seats.

8. Don't you want that kind of brain?

Most nondescript person in this commercial. She might be cousins with Snoop from The Wire. That's all I got.

7. I was raised against the grain

How in the hell did the University of Phoenix contact a hobo to get an online degree? This man is used to riding the rails. He's a damn vagabond. The man already has a degree in survival, I'm not sure how much his associate's is really going to help him. It also probably won't matter after he murders and eats the guy sleeping on his shoulder.

6. I'll be working while you sleep

So, people try to talk about farming being this podunk low-paying, salt of the earth occupation, but there's a lot of farmers making good money. And yeah, they wake up early, but the equipment basically drives itself. I mean, just look at the guy above. He's reading a book while taking care of his land. This is a man who was clearly tricked by the vulture sales team at University of Phoenix (I used to work at a for-profit college, and the bad stories about them tricking people into signing up are 100% true). This guy doesn't even need a job; he's just throwing money away getting a degree.

5. So my kids don't have to forage, got two jobs to pay the mortgage.

Okay, that is a lady who is not a stable parent. She has unruly children, and she is about to lose her shit. I mean, look at those eyes. This is not a woman who should be adding any more stress to her life. On top of this, she bought a house that was beyond her financial means and needs two jobs to pay the mortgage. That is very poor planning. Even if she gets an education, her instability is a liability, and that makes her a bad hire.

4. Still don't think I have a brain?

Oh god, she's been possessed by the devil. There is no brain activity going on in that head of hers, only the works of the devil. All employers stay away.

3. I took two bullets to the chest

Okay, like I at least get what they're trying to get across with the other people in this commercial, but this guy? How is that an appealing characteristic? Random people don't get shot all that much, and I think we all know that this guy got shot by his own child because he failed to put the safety on his gun. The really sad thing is that the child did it on two separate occasions, as the guy didn't even learn after the first bullet to the chest. I thought for sure this guy would win, so it is mind-boggling that he only made it to the third dumbest person on this list. Also, why are you boxing shirtless by yourself? Put on a damn shirt you goon.

2. You think a resume's enough? We'll step up when things get tough.

This is probably the most disturbing scene of the commercial. This man is carrying his mother in a frantic situation. I'm pretty sure the building is on fire. Instead of taking her out, he carries her deep into the building to sit her in a wheelchair in the middle of an empty room. He then leaves, and gives that haunting sigh that says, "Yes, this was the right decision." I do not want to hire that person. I don't want that person to get a degree. This is a monster. Fear this man.

1. A degree is a degree. You're gonna want someone like me. But only if you have a brain.

And somehow this is still a worse person. This woman is just straight up awful for what she does to this poor guy. He just wants to go home. They give you warnings at the library to state that it's going to be closing soon, so she knew not to get deep into anything. But does she care? No. in fact, she doesn't even give the common courtesy to look at this guy who has been working and just wants to go home and see his kids before they go to bed. Letting your mother burn is one thing, but this lady has gone too far. She doesn't have a brain. Hell, she doesn't even have a heart.

Macho Man Randy Savage Is The Greatest: Volume 3 - The SpokesMan

Macho Man is great. Maybe the greatest. In fact, if you don't have Macho Man as one of the five greatest of all time, all of your opinions about pro wrestling are invalid. He was a master in the ring, he was a master with promos, and he was even a master commentator and spokesperson. In fact, although it was not critically acclaimed, I can still listen to and enjoy his rap album. But people know the highlights of his career, instead, I want to celebrate the less famous moments and bring light to these accomplishments, as they are just as impressive as the highlights.

Today, I want to focus on Macho Man as a Macho spokesMan, who would make you Randy for any Savage product that he decided to endorse. Now, everyone is aware of his work with Slim Jim where his intensity made you want to SNAP INTO THAT BEEFY JUICY TASTE. But Macho also had a softer side.

In a world where our heroes constantly disappoint, Macho Man was there to assure us that everything would turn out just fine. Now, I must warn you: Before watching this commercial, you may want to get some tissues, because it's about to get real dusty up in here.

The emotion in this commercial is raw. A child walks alone on a baseball diamond, and...wait, hold up a second. Let's take a look at that jersey.

Yep, that is a "Sport 93" jersey right there. They never fully show the front of the jersey, but I'm nearly positive it just says "Baseball." That has to be the most generic jersey in the history of commercials. So Little Billy Sport, playing for the "Baseball" team is coming out to throw the rawhide around.

Unfortunately, little Billy is met with this sign:

You see, this commercial was made in 1994, during Major League Baseball's strike, and if the pros are on strike, that means little league must follow its lead as part of the MLBPA union and cancel their games as well. Back to the jersey for a second, why is it number 93? The only thing that I can come up with is somebody else used this generic jersey a year earlier, and the WWE decided they could save a few bucks if they didn't get an updated one. I admire that level of frugality.

There is only one man that can save this dire situation, and I think we all know who that is.

OOOOOH YEAH! I mean, just look at that long, majesctic mane that he is sporting. This is a man of pure inspiration.

Macho Man throws some balls for Billy Sport to hit, because baseball should never die. Finally the child turns to Macho Man.

Billy: Do you guys ever go on strike? 
Macho Man: No way, never!

And that, my friends is the beauty of pro wrestling. That was the beauty of the Macho Man.

A Comprehensive Breakdown of Values.com's "Dishes" Commercial

I was doing some reading with the TV on in the background this weekend, and all of a sudden, a commercial came on and caught my attention. The music was awful, but the scenes were absolutely amazing. It was made for Values.com, which, I don't totally understand how they make money, but good for them, because this commercial is wonderful.

Now let's go over the highlights and what we can learn from Values.com

Oh, yes! What a wonderful start. He awkwardly grabs for her hand, but she pulls away and ignores him. Great job by her with the Demonstration of Higher Value (DHV). Her DHV showed that she has better places to be, and doesn't have time for that hand-holding bullshit. That is the face of a broken man.

Her problem is she doesn't stick to The Game, and immediately shows a DLV, demonstration of lower value, by trying to kiss him when he has his hands full and is talking on his cell phone. Listen lady, if you want him to become assistant manager at Staples, he's going to have to nail his printer paper demo today, and nothing will distract him from success.

Now I don't want to be the guy to say, "Bitches be crazy," but bitches be crazy. She's disappointed in him for sleeping. She thinks back to a fonder time when he was just part-time at Staples, and he never slept. Sure they were living in her parents' basement, but they had each other. Now he just sleeps in the house they inherited when her parents were killed in that Iditarod accident. It's not fair to her.

This is by far my favorite one. Wifey has bought a new dress, and she is feeling fresh. She can't wait to show her man. Luckily, he is walking by, but he ain't got time to give his opinion on that, and she is BROKEN, because he needed to text his buddy about the new girl, Alice, bringing plain when he asked for a glossy ream of paper.

Also, who texts with their middle finger? Was there an accident at Staples? Why is he not using the pointer or his thumbs? Honestly, this is the only behavior that should truly concern his wife.

The grand finale of the commercial is what truly ties everything together for these sociopaths.

When she dropped his phone in that water, I thought he was going to hit her. I thought I was about to see the most shocking domestic violence commercial of all time.

Then the final message of the commercial is to listen, but the problems were that they broke a device designed for listening, and they never actually managed to get any words out of their mouths. The lesson should have been Pay Attention, because those two were awful at paying attention to each other. The message also could've been Never Nap, because ladies hate napping husbands. Honestly, the ideal message would have been Use a Normal Finger When Texting on Your Phone, So You Don't Look Like A Damn Creep When You're Typing Away With Your Middle Finger Like a Dingus, and You'll Probably Drop Your Phone in Dishwater and Feel Like an Asshole and Have to Fight the Urge to Beat Your Wife.

But I guess that's just not as catchy.

The Dodge Ram Super Bowl Commercial

When watching the Super Bowl commercials, one thing is for sure: Fast 6 had by far the best commercial, but that was partly due to the fact that it was promoting by far the best product. After that, I actually liked the Volkswagen commercial where the guy talks like he's from Jamaica. I just liked that guy; I rooted for him. His happy demeanor made me happy, so that commercial is a success. But there was another car commercial that way more people were talking about. This piece of shit...

I got done with the commercial and said, "Wow, that was just a huge waste of money for Dodge." Everyone I was with agreed, because, at best, it was hilarious white trash. It was so over the top and appealing to the lowest common denominator in doing so that I was amazed that any successful corporation could be dumb enough to make such a piece of shit. But then I got thinking, advertising agencies are smart. Billion dollar corporations are smart. But this ad is so dumb.

And then it hit me, people are going to love this. I immediately went to my source on all things that appeal to the lowest common denominator, Facebook. Holy fuck, it was worse than I could have possibly imagined. My news feed was loaded with people praising this commercial as the best commercial of the night.

I'm hoping that this is just because I am from Iowa, and Iowans literally nut all over themselves if they hear the word "farmer." I only know like three people that actually grew up on a farm, but goddamn if 90% of the state doesn't identify with the words "farmer" and "cowboy" when they are, in fact, neither.

It honestly doesn't even make sense these days. Farming isn't this hard days in the field, noble activity. There's a shit ton of technology where most people can probably run a farm on their iPad. Is there still hard work and long days involved at times? Of course, but there are hard workers in every job imaginable. I'm sure there are some amazing fast food employees, but that doesn't quite have the same ring to it as "farmers." It appeals to a nostalgia that people never even experienced. People hear an old speech about farmers, and it somehow reminds them of everything right in the world, even though they know nothing of farming. That amazes me.

It appeals to the lowest common denominator, which, come to think of it, are the people most likely to be influenced to buy a pickup truck from a Super Bowl ad.

I guess it was the best commercial of the Super Bowl (Fast 6 excluded, obviously). Congratulations, Dodge, and readers, if you see somebody driving a Ram, beware, there is a very good chance that they are only a partially functioning retarded person.

Breaking Down the Pepsi Soccer Commercial

I do not want to go into great details like I did on the Verizon NFL Mobile commercial last week, but I still need to point out a few irritating aspects of the Pepsi Soccer/Concert commercial, because the lack of logic shown in it really bothers me. Here is the commercial, in its extended entirety:

I'm not going to stress much about how these guys come to a concert/rave/I don't know what the hell is going on later than everyone else, because they gots to have their space. I'm also not going to stress how illogical it is that this event has no alcohol being served, and not even pop served, just a single pop machine. Luckily, that did not sell out in 15 minutes, because nobody needed anything to drink with the techno beats quenching their thirst.

What really bothers me is that these guys are a bunch of dicks. They just decide to get up on the crowd and run around like a bunch of jackasses. Now, obviously this is impossible, because they would immediately plummet to the ground and get stomped on by the crowd, but there are some specifically egregious things that really bother me.

What really bothers me is that a guy slides across people's hands.

He probably broke like 16 people's wrists by doing this, and this is only so he can kick a glow-in-the-dark soccer ball. Seriously dude, grow the fuck up.

Finally, this ending really irritated me.

This asshole not only conned these innocent people into carrying a god damned Pepsi machine, which is a total dick move on its own. He tops it off by sitting on top of it as he smugly drinks his Pepsi. Somehow, he adds a third level to his douchery by having the Pepsi machine on its side, meaning that nobody else could get a Pepsi, even if they wanted to. Gravity has to bring the can down the chute. What a dick.

So, yeah, those are the big reasons why I hate this commercial.

We Need To Talk About These Jose Canseco Old Milwaukee Commercials

The world is abuzz over the latest, greatest, innovative ads from Old Milwaukee. First, they got Will Ferrell to do some ads in various smallish cities for Old Milwaukee, but now they've brought out the big gun. That's right, they got the man with his guns hangin' and bangin', Jose Canseco. As far as I know, it aired only in Kansas City, and it is pretty awesome. Let's tackle these commercials one by one (Actually, two by one. Also, turn your volume way up as the sound is a little weak on these videos).


Commercial 1
This one is so simple, yet so beautiful. Just one of the most powerful swings in the history of baseball straight up crushing a beer can in slow motion. Then, Old Milwaukee lets you know that they were behind the genius of this commercial.

Commercial 2
Jose gets to show off his acting chops by talking about how a few bad apples can't drag down the game of baseball. Just like a few days of puking following a night of drinking Old Milwaukee shouldn't stop you from drinking it in the future. Baseball's back, Jose Canseco's back, and since a lot of us went through an Old Milwaukee phase, maybe it's time for us to get back to our roots and start drinking our old friend.


Commercial 3
This is the commercial that shines the brightest. It is specifically designed for the Kansas City market, but I feel it can be enjoyed by anyone. Kansas City isn't in a slump; it's just that the rest of the world started cheating. "Sometimes last place, is first place," is really a fantastic quote.

As easy as it is to make fun of Jose Canseco, these commercials are all very well done. Old Milwaukee found what would work for him and did a great job with it. I'm still a Natty man, but Old Mil has just moved up to my number two.

If You Love Tacos, You Should Probably Get AT&T

Something about the holidays really makes me want to pick apart commercials.  Combine that with my love of tacos, and breaking down this latest AT&T commercial was a no-brainer for me.  I'm sure just about everyone has seen it.  The basic premise is this black guy gets pissed, because everyone is having a taco party without him.  At the end, he realizes he was invited, but his phone is just slow.  Damn, he must have felt stupid.  For those unfamiliar with it, here is video for your enjoyment:

First off, let's break down the basic demographics of this commercial.  The advertisers really went out of their way to be inclusive in this commercial, and I really think they nailed the demographics.  They put in three men and three women, so excellent equality there.  Further breaking it down, the women are white, Asian, and black, while the men, are two blacks and a white.  That gives us three black people, two white people, and one Asian.  Why is there no one of Hispanic descent?  They are already the center of our story, as they are represented by their most beloved food, tacos.

In the commercial, the angry black guy accuses his buddy of thinking Eric, the awkward white guy, is weird.  Let's face it, the white guy had to be the weird one, otherwise this commercial is racist as shit.  If there was only one black guy, and they called him weird, you would just assume that the white character hosts Klan meetings during his time away from work.  Even if you focused on the white woman as being weird, the underlying message would be that he thinks she's weird because she's ugly, or more likely, a lesbian.  But just because the white woman isn't weird doesn't mean she isn't essential to the commercial.  Imagine if the white woman was replaced by a Hispanic woman.  Then, we have a group of minorities all calling the white guy weird, that's reverse racism and has no place in advertising.

In the previous paragraph, I referred to one of the character as the "angry black guy."  That sounds like a horribly racist stereotype, and it is, but it works in this commercial.  Let's look at a quick snapshot of the commercial.

As you can see, this is where it becomes a necessity to have three black people.  The two normal black people are positioned on the opposite side of him.  Without saying a word, the layout of this commercial is positioning him as different than the other black characters in this commercial.  Another technique they use to show how he is different is that he is always the only face that you can see when he is focused on. 

Meanwhile, when they focus on the group, there is almost always two people's faces in the frame. 

This establishes them as part of the normal group, and him as an outlier.  Because of this, he doesn't represent the black community, the two other black people do.  Instead, he represents the outlier; that is why his behavior is erratic.  It's also why he doesn't have AT&T.  Within the parameters of this commercial, I think AT&T does a very good job of subliminally telling you things that you probably did not understand at first glance.  It's telling you to sign up for AT&T, be part of the cool crowd, and have all the free tacos your stomach can handle.  I'm so glad I have AT&T.

-Joe

P.S.  I totally understand why the angry black guy was pissed.  I'd be pissed too if people were having a taco party and were too lazy to stop by my office (if I had an office) and tell me.  Don't text me important information, just stop by and tell me like a human being.

P.P.S.  There's a lot of creepy things on the internet, Muppets with People's Eyes ranks right up there with any of them.

Lexus Owners Are Awful Parents

As I was catching up on The Millionaire Matchmaker (don't judge me), I saw a commercial that really irritated me.  I've seen it about 150 times, so I'm sure you've seen it too.  A Dad brings his daughter to a tree farm to get a Christmas tree.  Here is the commercial for any of you who are not familiar with this abomination.

So there they are, at the tree farm, and this little girl is desperate for a Christmas tree.  She keeps asking if they can get this one, or that one, or the other one.  When I first saw this, I thought this Dad was going to be awesome and get her a really kickass Christmas tree.  I was overcome with sadness when this exchange happens:

Little Girl:  This one?
Asshole Dad:  Still not big enough.
Little Girl;  But it's the biggest one here.

Then, we jump forward and realize that he did not purchase a Christmas tree, but instead bought his wife a Lexus.  Think about this for a second.  This piece of shit father dragged his little girl to the Christmas Tree farm in the middle of winter, made her freeze her ass off, because she was under the impression that her prick of a Dad would actually get her a fucking Christmas tree.  But no, he just taunts his daughter every time she sees a tree that she wants.  Seriously, look at how sad she is:

What a dick.  He could probably make it up to his daughter if he got her an awesome Christmas present, but he decides against that.  Instead, he uses the money he saved on not purchasing a Christmas tree or anything for his daughter so he can get a Lexus for his wife.  He probably still could have gotten his daughter some decent presents, but he decided to buy lights for his wife to decorate, and an ridiculously large bow for the Lexus. 

So congratulations you awful pieces of shit.  You may have a new Lexus in the family, but child services will be taking away your child within the week.

They gained a car and lost a daughter.  Come to think of it, these Lexus owners might be onto something.  Like they always say, assholes finish first.

-Joe

P.S.  Things that pissed me off about this commercial that I was unable to work into this post:
1.  They already had a goddamned Christmas tree growing in their yard.
2.  His wife was decorating with lights on Christmas morning.  It's a little late for that, you Lexus driving piece of shit.

P.P.S.  The Space Jam website is still in tact from 1996, and it is AWESOME.