Riley Cooper And Learning From Mistakes

What Riley Cooper did was incredibly stupid and insensitive. It was a horrible thing to say, and there is really no way around it. But as long as he learns from this, it is not an unforgivable offense.

Riley Cooper said something stupid while intoxicated. Inebriation isn't an excuse, but I have been really drunk many times (looking back, a stupid amount of times), and I have done some incredibly stupid shit when intoxicated. Things I am absolutely ashamed of. Things that make me ill just thinking about them. I have woke up the next morning, remembered what I did (or had a friend tell me what I did) and was shocked at what a terrible person I acted like. I have been incredibly stupid when drunk, but luckily, I have learned from my mistakes. I have made every type of mistake, but I don't make the same one twice, so at least I have that going for me. I look back and thank god that camera phones were not around during my stupid days. If they were, I would have to relive these moments with people around and everyone would know what a piece of shit I was. I was a piece of shit, but luckily I eventually grew up and turned into a human being. 

Riley Cooper is 25 years old. I was still growing up when I was 25 years old. Riley Cooper also has to deal with the fact that he is an incredibly gifted football player. Because of that, people have bent over backwards to appease him, probably starting at a very young age. It is very tough to grow up when nobody forces you to grow up. As long as he excelled in football, he could basically do and say just about anything with no repercussions. 

That is what got us to this point. Now obviously being a football player does not totally excuse his actions, because there are many people who have grown up with similar experiences and have never said what Cooper said, but that doesn't mean this is an unforgivable offense. 

He said something stupid. He said it. He didn't act on his words, because it was nothing but talk. It was stupid talk, but it was just talk. Unfortunately, we live in a society where Cooper's black teammates have heard that word used in a derogatory way hundreds, if not thousands of times. That doesn't make it okay, but as bad as it is, we have come an incredibly long way in 20 years. 

This is where censorship is a good thing. It's not government mandated; it's people mandated. People get shamed for saying stupid shit, and less stupid shit gets said. Riley Cooper said something stupid, and he is currently paying the price. The chances of Riley Cooper saying something like that again are likely zero percent. This is a man who has to feel like shit every waking hour of his days currently. 

Young people, especially when drunk, say and do stupid shit. The media assault alone is probably enough punishment for him to never say the same thing again. But I'm guessing that facing his teammates made him feel even more like a piece of shit. What he did was terrible, but as long as he recognizes that, I do hope he gets a second chance. And if he doesn't learn from his mistake, then he's a racist asshole who probably doesn't a team's or the public's forgiveness. Here's to hoping that Riley Cooper is the former, as opposed to the latter.

Drinking Whiskey and Watching The Power Rangers Movie

So I decided to take a half day a few Fridays ago, so I could party before going to a concert that night. It turns out that none of my friends had the foresight to do the same, so I was alone in my afternoon off. I still made the most of my free time as I decided to hang out with my dog, drink whiskey, and watch The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers movie. This turned out to be an awesome decision. The whiskey doesn't make a big difference, as all it really meant is that I laughed a lot more, and my notes towards the end had a a lot of misspellings. The one thing you should know is that I cannot recommend watching this movie sober, yet I highly recommend watching it drunk.

So the movie starts with all of the Power Rangers skydiving. Of course, their arch nemeses, Bulk and Skull are going along for the ride. Since they are stupid bullies, and not the harmful kind, they forgot their parachutes. Luckily, the Power Rangers let them know about it before they decided to jump out of the plane. Way to save the day, Rangers.

Why are they skydiving, you ask? Like they need a reason. But they do have a reason. It is the Angel Grove Jump-A-Thon, which was put on to save the observatory. Some old guy stumbles as he lands. His kid then tells him, "Watch, this is how the pros do it," because luckily the Power Rangers are actually professional sky divers when they are not fighting Rita and the evil Lord Zed. This is a huge break for the observatory, having pro sky divers in their small town.

May I digress for one moment? Thank you. Observatories may be the biggest waste of government spending out there. I have never been to an observatory. I am not sure if I even know where an observatory is. It seems like there are a ton of movies where teenagers are trying to save the observatory. Observatories are the worst.

Back to the plot. All of the Power Rangers are skydiving and doing cool tricks. Well, almost everyone. Tommy (White Ranger) is sky surfing and instead of doing cool tricks, he is doing awesome tricks. Everyone else must feel ashamed.

It should be mentioned that the regular Red Ranger has been replaced by another non-descript white guy, but they did change his name to Rocky. The Black Ranger was replaced by an Asian looking dude and is now named Adam. This means that due to cultural divesity laws, the Asian Ranger, Yellow, had to be replaced by a black chick. Her name is now Aisha. Kimberly is still pink, and Billy is still blue.

Oh yeah, on top of their Olympic level skydiving, they could also probably be professional rollerbladers as they are doing all sorts of SICK tricks while “blading” through the city.

The Rangers then get an urgent message from Alpha because some construction guys found an egg that can electrocute people. Zordon informs them that this is an evil beyond all imagination. I’m guessing it’s the Gobbledygooker. Lord Zed and Rita open the egg and ooze turns into this old dude who needs to crack his neck. His name is Ivan Ooze, and he is not that frightening. Rita wants to bang Ooze and Lord Zed is hella jealous of this guy.

Ivan Ooze's special powers include being able to shape-shift, being able to shoot lightning bolts, and the ability to smell teenagers (just so you know, he HATES the smell).

Alpha is such a douche. I wrote this multiple times throughout my notes, but this one is the one that got to stick, because, yeah, Alpha is a douche.

Ivan Ooze mentions the Black Plague, the Spanish Inquisition, and the Brady Bunch Reunion. He has been out of the egg for ten minutes and somehow learned about all of these things. Of all of the inaccuracies in this movie, this one bothered me the most.

Kimberly said that Zordon (who is dying) was like a father to them. What happened to their parents? Don't these kids have curfews? Seriously, put these Power Rangers in a foster home. Perfect evidence of why they should be in a foster home is that Alpha tells them that he can send them to a distant planet to save Zordon, but everyone who goes there dies. The Power Rangers all decide that it is a GREAT idea to go there. The Power Rangers are completely unfazed by death and murder. They killed a ton of foot clan ooze jabronies, and they were totally fine with their murders. Billy got ooze on his hands after killing one and said, “You ooze, you lose.” Murder is like brushing teeth for them, always do it once, sometimes 2-3 times a day.

Ivan Ooze called Zed and Rita “Dingle Dogs.” I am now going to try to work this into every conversation I have.

A strange wizard man (spoiler: it's Ivan Ooze) is handing out free ooze. There are no parents around to stop this. I feel like this movie could have been much shorter had there just been responsible parents in Angel Grove. It turns out that this Ooze turns people into zombies. Wait, actually, I should clarify. The ooze turns parents into zombies. Also these zombies are all inefficient construction workers. Seriously, if you watch people working in the background, their work rate is pathetic.

Best joke of the movie:
Evil Winged Animal Guy – Put your weak back into it.
Other Bad Guy – I had a weak back…about a week back.

Okay, so I thought that Ivan Ooze had the powers to create the Ooze and bottle it up so parents would become his zombies. Then I find out that parents are working in a factory to make the Ooze. So, how did he get that first batch going? This very much bothers me. I should be a movie consultant.

So I thought they were just ninjas, but then the Power Rangers turned into new animals. Ones that weren’t extinct which obviously makes them superior. Aisha is the bear. Rocky is the ape. Billy is the wolf. Kimberly is the crane. Adam is the frog. Tommy is the falcon.

So they are all fighting this really bad machine, and the yellow ranger goes, “Time to boogie with the Bear,” the machine just blasts her away and she is now completely worthless. The Frog was more successful than The Bear; I did not see that coming.

With all of the damage that has gone on in this movie, it is amazing that The Pink Ranger decides that it is important that he destroyed the monorail. And yes, of course Angel Grove has a monorail.

The little nerd who made fun of his dad for not being a professional skydiver was riding the monorail so he could save his parents. I’m not sure why he decided to take over a monorail to do that, but he did. Luckily, he gets help from Bulk and Skull, because that hard exterior is just to protect their heart of gold.

They were locked up with Ivan Ooze. The Yellow Ranger said, “Desperate times call for desperate measures.” She then hits the button titled, “In case of emergency only.” What did that button do? Kneed him in the groin. That is how they saved the day. An “emergency knee to the groin.” I'm not kidding. That is really what happened.

They saved the world and then saved Zordon. I proceeded to celebrate by drinking too much, and West Coast Dancing. Thanks, Power Rangers.

The Greatest Softball Game Ever Played

A few weeks ago, I witnessed history. I saw some of the greatest athletes in the world give it their all in the sport they loved. Then we put down our beers, stopped watching basketball, and headed to the baseball complex to watch my idiot buddies play a game made for idiots. The team was sufficiently buzzed, which made them in perfect condition to play slow-pitch softball.

Now I must make an admission that I am awful at all baseball related activities. It's not something I worry about as I'm pretty great at most other things. If you've read the book Moneyball, I became the team's Paul DePodesta. If you saw the Moneyball movie, I became the team's Peter Brand. If you have not read the book or seen the movie, my main duty was keeping score, but I would still refer to myself as a bench coach. This is usually not a problem, but this game would definitely test my book-keeping skills (I tell you this only so it makes sense that despite not taking the field, I will to the team as our team, and use the we form, because I suffered through the freezing cold that February in the Midwest provides and I deserve at least some credit).

After blowing through our first two opponents, we were confident that we would cruise to the championship as we had won it all two of the last three years. We took the field first as the home team, and our raucous crowd of eight fans cheered on the squad as they stumbled to their positions. Unfortunately, this game did not go like the other games, as this team could hit the ball...and hit the ball...and hit the ball. It also didn't help that our outfielders didn't believe in cutoff men, but it was mostly their hitting that led to them taking a 13-0 lead after the top half of the first.

Luckily, our team rallied back for a total of...three runs. Yep, at the end of one, it was 13-3. Things were not looking good.

The bad guys responded with six more runs, making it 19-3 going into the bottom of the second. This is where Manager/3rd Base Coach, Jay, really took his game to a new level. He gave no inspirational words, in fact, he said nothing to the team at all. He just went out to third base as if his only job was to guide them on the basepaths. This move of ignoring the team only ignited the fire in each and every player, and a crazy thing happened. They started hitting. They started running. And most importantly, they were drinking again. They got back into the game by scoring eight runs, and making it 19-11.

Sure the team was still down eight runs, but it sucked the life out of the visiting dugout. Before the bad guys knew what happened, they produced a scoreless top of the inning, leaving the score at 19-11 going into the bottom half of the third.

The good guys kept clawing back, and put up four more runs in the bottom half of the third to make it 19-15. They had the bad guys right where they wanted them.

But here's the sad tale that nobody wants to tell you. Sometimes, the drunken assholes (good guys) can't beat the team that is sober and seem like decent human beings (bad guys). Sometimes shit hits the fan. The bad guys started spraying line drives all over the field and ended up scoring eight more runs to extend their lead to 27-15. Things were looking bleak and blurry for the good guys.

Jay would not sit idly by with silence this time around. He greeted the team in the dugout and spoke in his regular voice, "Let's go team." Three words. Three simple words. Yet, not even Martin Luther King Jr. could have ever said something so powerful so briefly. "Let's go team." These words did not echo in our heads, but in our hearts. "Let's go team."

And go that team did. Batter after batter, whether spraying a line drive, beating out an infield hit, or drawing a walk, just kept reaching base. Slowly, the lead shrunk, 16, 17, 18 the runs went up. 19, 20, 21, and the hits kept coming. 22, 23, 24, the team cheered with every batter. We didn't know what was going on, but we knew it was magical. 25, 26, 27, and the game was tied. It was pandemonium in the dugout. Grown men were hugging (honestly, this was mostly the alcohol, but the comeback helped). 28, and eventually 29 before the inning ended. Where the bottom of the fourth started as a 27-15 deficit, it ended as a 29-27 lead.

We could have put the nail in the coffin, but errors and miscues led to the bad guys putting up three runs to go up 30-29 going into the bottom half of the last inning.

Still, we had to feel good. In a 30-29 game, and our 2-3-4 hitters starting off the inning, one run didn't seem too difficult. But, like every event in this game, nothing was easy. Our #2 hitter fouled a ball off with two strikes, which counts as a strikeout.

One out.

It shouldn't have mattered. We had our best hitter up, somebody who had something crazy like eight home runs in the tournament, six of them inside the park (Seriously, MLB scouts, contact me. He gave me the right to act as his agent). With his speed, all he had to do was get on base and it was a guaranteed run. He popped it up.

Two outs.

Our cleanup hitter drew a walk. We're still alive.

Then our first basemen, fresh out of his AA meeting, and getting progressively drunker as the day goes on, rips a line drive to the outfield, and both he and the runner on first are chugging around the basepaths (speed was not a strength of this team, so they were not flying around those bases). Still, the crowd went wild as one run crossed the plate and our first basemen stood proudly at third.

Tie ball game. 30-30.

Although the tie was great, the tournament rules stated that extra innings were sudden death, so if we were unable to score a run, we would need to shut the opposing team out in the sixth for a chance to win the game. Really, what we needed was another run.

Our drunkest hitter, D, came up to the plate. This guy has trouble standing, so when you put just a tiny amount of alcohol in him, he becomes a truly decrepit piece of shit. There is nobody I have less confidence in on the team. But luckily, a miracle happened. They intentionally walked him. Our drunkest hitter walked to first, and then to second as they intentionally walked the man after him as well.

Up came our right fielder, and co-captain, Tony. This is a man who tore his MCL in the tournament the year before, because the man simply doesn't know how to not give 110%. This was the moment that every little boy dreams of. Tie game, two outs, bottom of the fifth with the bases loaded in the annual winter slow-pitch softball tournament. And so he came up to the plate, with the bright C on his sweatshirt, ready to make or break the team's hopes of a championship.

The pitcher lobbed one up (they're all lobs in slow-pitch softball) and time seemed to go in slow motion. Tony took a cut at the breaking ball that seemed to hang up there just a little too long. He blasted it into the gap. The outfielders were in hot pursuit of the ball, but they had no chance as it landed between the outfielders and rolled to the fence. One run scores, two runs score, three runs score, and even Tony would circle the bases for an inside-the-park grand slam (as scorekeeper, I am giving him credit for this, even though the game is technically over when that first run crosses the plate).

34-30 was the final score as the entire team rushes the field. The dog pile was pure insanity, and I apologize to the person I stabbed with my scorekeeping pencil. The celebration continued all night long as we ate greasy food, drank cheap beer, and sexually harassed every woman we came in contact with. We partied like kings.

If you wrote that in a script, everyone would say it was too unrealistic to ever be made. This wasn't a Hollywood ending. It was an Iowa ending, because shit gets real in the heartland.

If Wishers Were Horses

Everybody has a sexual fetish. I'll even admit mine. Unlike most guys, I like girls who look like this...

Only hotter. That's right, I like females who are extremely...pretty. Like the prettier, the better for me. If you are a gorgeous lady, I will do you...hard. I know this makes me a freak, but it's what I'm into. We all have our fetishes. I'm sure you've all heard of Furries, but that's a black-tie cocktail party conversation topic at this point. I want to expose you to a sexual fetish that the mainstream media doesn't have the guts to cover.

If Wishers Were Horses. This sexual fetish is so messed up that American servers refuse to host this website. So they went to Europe, where there are no rules about what is on the Internet. You think you've seen some sick stuff made by Americans? You haven't seen shit. I had a buddy who would show us European porn, and I am scarred to this day. Not only do these people not feel pain, but I'm pretty sure that half of Europe thinks that shit is one of the essential food groups. Just trust me on this, and do not do a Google search for "German Shit Porn"; it will only leave you traumatized.

But back to If Wishers Were Horses. If you couldn't tell from the title, this fetish involves people who wish they could transform into horses. Their website warns, "If the notion of transforming into an animal does not appeal then you'd really be happier visiting another site." You will also be greeted with this gif.

I never knew how much females resembled horses, but now I can totally see it. I think I might start telling girls they are as majestic as a horse. This gif drew me in, so I happily clicked the enter button so I could learn more.

The first section I had to go to was "Why?" because I wanted to know why people would want to be horses. The message comes from Destrier, who is the woman who runs the site, and this was the most relevant piece of information on why people would want to become horses.

"Horses embody a lot of admirable concepts...The horse's sexual appeal should be mentioned too - not for nothing do we flatter or tease each other with terms like stud, stallion, or filly. Many find the notion of becoming a horse quite erotic."


Basically these people want to have sex with horses, but they don't want to go to jail for beastiality. If you meet one of these people, do not leave them alone with your horse. In fact, don't leave them alone with a horse stuffed animal, because that stuffed animal is going to get stuffed by something or stuffed up somewhere. 

I tried to read some of the stories, but they're awful. Not only is it boring, but it's also poorly written. The first story tried to put an adverb in every sentence. The horse owner couldn't just beat his horse, he aggressively beat his horse. Well, no shit, most people don't lackadaisically beat their animals to teach them a lesson.

Next, I checked out Hooves. I don't know why I was shocked when I saw the image on the page, but for some reason, I thought Hooves was a metaphor for starting a solid base of a horse lifestyle, but no, as the image shows, I was thinking far too much for this site.

Yeah, it's just instructions on how to turn your hands into hooves, so you can walk on all fours, because, fuck, you've already admitted you want to be a horse, it's not like you have to worry about losing any self-respect at this point.

But I saved the best for last when I went to their advice page. Before delving into this subject, I would have assumed that the advice would be ways to hide your fetish, so you didn't shame your family and friends. But after looking through this site for a while (Trust me, you don't want to know how long I spent on this site), I knew that it would be far dumber than anything I could imagine. I was not disappointed when I was greeted by this warning at the top of the page:

Please Note!

I have not ever been a horse! This is a work of fiction, but contains some practical points which I hope, should any of you find yourself succeeding in your quest to be an equine, might be of use or interest.

Thank you for the warning. The saddest part about this warning is that it's probably necessary, because Destrier is pretty much the Queen of people who wish they were horses, and after reading their fan fiction, I'm pretty sure everyone who has this fetish is at least mildly retarded. But if you think the warning is absolute batshit insanity, prepare to have your mental capacities shocked and awed, because the stupidity is only beginning. Oh yes, it gets better, so much better:

Documented hazards of this nature include:
Being unable to reverse the transformation if and while a pregnancy results.

So yeah, don't get pregnant once you turn into a horse, because it can be really tough to turn back into a human once you've had your horse baby. As messed up as that is, my favorite part of this warning is "Documented hazards". DOCUMENTED. Because so many people have written about their transformation into a horse that there are actually documented hazards for equine transformation (that's the scientific term). Documented...DOCUMENTED. I really can't stress the stupidity of that line enough. I also enjoyed this nugget on the choosing of methods:

Many are the ways in which one may transform oneself, and sober consideration must be given to all.

Yes, folks, it is not wise to drunkenly decide to turn into a horse. Obviously, if you're considering equine transformation, your judgment must be impeccable while sober, but intoxication can bring rash decisions out of the best of us. What I really hope for is someone using this defense in a drunk driving case:

Defendant: Judge, I was really wasted, and at that point, I knew I had two choices. Drive home, or turn into a horse and gallop home. I knew from the Internet, which never lies, that it was unwise to drunkenly turn into a horse, so I made the safer decision and drove home.

Judge: Case dismissed.

That could totally be half an episode of Franklin & Bash. 

Finally, I would like to address the preparations for becoming a horse. They recommend you have someone else to assist you in case you run into any problems during your equine transformation. I would LOVE to be this person. I know a lot of stupid people; I just don't know if they'd like to turn into a horse. But I cannot imagine anything better than watching a person "transform" into a horse. Imagine this scene:

I find an idiot who would like to perform an equine transformation. I first explain to them that they need to be outside while the transformation occurs, because they would be too big to exit out of a door of a house once they turned into a horse. I would then let them know that they needed to be naked in the yard, because the clothes could constrict their transformation. The person would probably object that I videotaped them, but I would have to so I could prove that they are a person who turned into a horse, and not just a regular horse, so the authorities wouldn't steal them away. My favorite part would be acting shocked as I pretended they were actually turning into a horse. My only problem would be holding in my laughter as I put a saddle on them and watched them eat grass. I'd probably stop short of nailing horseshoes on their hands and feet, but that's because I'm a good guy.

And so concludes my deep, dark, disturbing piece of investigative journalism on "If Wishers Were Horses."


You're welcome.

-Joe

P.S. Here is a deep look into the world of Larry Bernandez.