Antonio Cesaro Is The Greatest Thing In The WWE

Antonio Cesaro is the best thing in the WWE right now. That is not easy for me to say, as I can openly admit that I am a huge mark for Dolph Ziggler, and I know Seth Rollins personally. Still, I have to give credit where credit is due, and nobody has been better over the last couple months than the United States Champion, Antonio Cesaro.

I know I should be ashamed that I am a grown man, totally buying into wrestlers, but seriously, if you saw this guy you would understand. He has been great both inside and outside the ring. Here he is uppercutting the life out of people.


He's also strong. Not like he's obviously strong, because he's a pro wrestler, but he's like freakishly strong. To the point that if he took off a couple months to focus on it, I wouldn't bet against him in the World's Strongest Man competition. People think Ryback is strong, but compared to Antonio Cesaro, Ryback is like a child trying to arm wrestle Sly Stallone in Over the Top. Here's Ryback trying to pick up Tensai.


Yeah, not too impressive. Now here's Antonio Cesaro picking up Brodus Clay like a little baby.


Yep. And if you're still not convinced? Here he is doing it to Great Khali.

So, yeah, the dude is strong.

But he's not just great in the ring; he's great on the mic as well. Heels, or bad guys, as the common man may know them, love to troll people to get a rise out of them. Cesaro has done this, but he has done it better than anyone before him. It is common for a wrestler to make fun of fans, and he started by doing this, preaching about his superiority to the common fan, and he was totally right. He became the US Champion and talked about fat and stupid Americans. This was very solid stuff, but then he got better at it. He started praising America as the greatest country ever, while still disparaging Americans for being fat and lazy. This was amazing, because it was totally true, which pisses people off even more. Then he took it a step further by bringing out an American flag out there with him.

He was getting booed vociferously while carrying the red, white, and blue. This has never happened before in the history of the United States. What could be worse than that? Carrying a GIANT American Flag to the ring. Oh yeah, and then he put an American Flag design on his trunks to top it all off.

Oh, you need further evidence of his brilliance? How about this?

Antonio Cesaro is the best. I highly suggest getting on the bandwagon now, because it is filling up fast. Also, if you're reading this, you are probably one of those fat, lazy, Americans that he talks so much about, so please take the stairs before jumping on the bandwagon.

Everything You Need To Know About i-Dosing

There is a new drug craze sweeping the nation, and I, for one, am excited as all hell about it.  It's called i-Dosing, and it's the act of taking digital drugs.  What are digital drugs?  I'm so glad you asked.  Here is a news report that should help better explain the phenomenon.

Yep, you just listen to music/sound/noise, and you get high.  I guess I understand this phenomenon.  Teenagers are always looking for ways to get messed up.  They used to huff paint, then they started chugging bottles of Robitussin, and now we have i-Dosing.  And although I never huffed paint or Robo-tripped, I felt like the world of Digital Drugs was something I needed to dive into. 

Obviously, taking drugs is extremely dangerous, and I took that very seriously.  Hence, I took the necessary precautions to ensure my safety.  As opposed to doing this alone, I made sure that my brother's dog, Ollie, was there to watch over me.  He was sleeping at the time, and he's only 18 pounds, but he does have a degree from Canine Craze, so I'm assuming that entailed at least some drug training.  As always, safety first.

So what was it like?

I have to admit, I only lasted a couple minutes before I cut my experiment short.  The noises were annoying; I'll give them that, but they had no affect on me.  On the other hand, I looked over and Ollie looked confused as all hell.  This may have been because it woke him up during his morning nap, or these digital drugs may have more affect on dogs.  Since I didn't have a waiver signed by Ollie for this experiment, I had to cut things short.  I would call my results inconclusive.

But could this be the future, and should we have seen this coming?  The answer to both of those questions is a resounding yes.  Since there is an artsy side to my rugged exterior, I am familiar with a futuristic documentary called Demolition Man.  It is about one of the world's great heroes, John Spartan, as he saves the world from the evil Simon Phoenix.  That's not what I want to focus on though; I want to focus on what sex looks like in the future.

Yep, this is basically exactly like digital drugs, only it's digital sex.  It's finding a way to alter our brain waves to stimulate the mind.  I wouldn't be so worried if this was the only sign that we are headed towards a Demolition Man future. Check out this scene for another look into our future.

And does anybody doubt that we are headed towards a future where Taco Bell is the only restaurant?  They are currently able to offer four times the steak of other restaurants.  The restaurant wars have begun, and my money isn't on Pizza Hut.  If all restaurants are knocked out besides Taco Bell, we have to do everything in our powers to kill Wesley Snipes Simon Phoenix.

I think John Spartan would agree that digital drugs are the lamest thing since sparkling vampires.  We don't want a future with digital sex; we are men who enjoy boning, aka the wild mamba, aka the hunka chunka.  I know you digital world pussies are concerned about being destroyed by Simon Phoenix, but don't worry, me and John Spartan will be around to pleasure your women and save the day.

-Joe

P.S.  West Coast Dance.