Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I Should Be An Engagement Planner

Since I am such a great guy, I have already told everyone ways to make sure their wedding is the best wedding in wedding history (Also, I am still available for most dates to be your wedding planner).  Today, I have decided to take a step back and show you how to properly take that first step towards marriage with your engagement.  If you follow these steps, not only will you find yourself with a broad beaming with joy, but you'll be sleeping easy as you laugh at all the suckers who didn't take my advice.

1.  No Flowers - As I mentioned in my wedding post, flowers are a waste of cash.  Their shelf life is so short that there is no reason to lighten your wallet just to set the mood.  If you feel like finishing off the romancing at home, use edible decorations.  Instead of having to vacuum up a thousand rose petals, the only cleanup you'll need is wiping your ass when you shit out some chocolate covered strawberries.

2.  Get A Good Meal - This is more for your satisfaction, but you can pass it off like you give a shit that she eats. Although I would not recommend rushing it, if you propose before the meal is served, you can try to pull off a maneuver that is high-risk, high-reward.  It works best on girls that have low self-esteem, so it should work on most girls.  After she says yes to your proposal, tell her that she's looking a little chunky.  She'll definitely lose her appetite, and you know what that means?  Two steaks for you.
Two...Steaks, my mouth is watering just thinking about it.  The risk is that she breaks up with you on the spot, but that's a risk that is probably worth taking.

3.  Get Her Drunk - Say you've got one of those ladies with high self-esteem (sorry brah), the risk of her turning you down is much greater.  As many of you know, people often refer to me as LL Hott J, because Ladies Love Hott Joe.  When girls are trying to get after me, they're always feeding me booze so they can attempt to take advantage of me. I'll admit, the alcohol increases their chances of getting a kiss goodnight, so I'm sure it can only help in the engagement process.  A hidden benefit of getting her good and drunk is that women want to tell their mother and best friend immediately after getting engaged.  If you get her shit-faced, she'll be slurring her words too bad to want to tell people about her engagement.  That means you can skip the stupid calls and get straight to the celebratory love-making.

4.  The Ring - The best part about my engagement plan is the ring.  Why is this the best part?  Because you're not going to get her a ring, you dumbass. Rings are completely useless unless you happen to have a Captain Planet ring.  Assuming that you don't live in Imaginationland, rings are worthless.  If she needs something shiny, get her a roll of aluminum foil, she'll be entertained for days.  But as much as I'd like to, you can't propose with a roll of aluminum foil.

So how do you propose?  You give her a big screen TV.  Although we'd like to believe differently, not all engagements turn into marriages.  Instead of getting stuck with something worthless when things don't work out, how about you get a giant TV instead?  Although this seems completely selfish at first glance, it is not at all, because much like Ladies Love Hott Joe, ladies also love soap operas and Twilight movies, and there's no better way to enjoy those than on a big screen TV. 

Judging from stupid commercials by Jared, women love to tell their best friend about their engagement in ridiculously stupid ways.  I'm assuming this is because rings are lame, so ladies feel it necessary to be lame by making up crossword puzzles to tell their friends.  With an awesome gift, she could invite her friends over, and then she leads them into the living room where she has her new TV showing a monster truck rally.  Her friends would be SOOOO jealous. 

Plus, you can still go through the classic get on your knee and propose, but you give her a box that has a note in it. A sample note should look something like this, “I just bought you a new big screen plasma, that’s right, I’m going to give you the privilege of spending the rest of your life me. You’re welcome.” Tears will then stream down her face as she realizes what a lucky broad she really is.  There is no doubt she'll be thanking you verbally, and as long as you followed all my steps, she'll be thanking you in other ways as well.


P.S. Since everybody is honoring Leslie Nielsen (for good reason), this line is absolutely brilliant:
P.P.S.  Yes, I love Derrick Rose, and you will too after watching this.

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