Friday, July 30, 2010

UFC on Versus 2 Picks

Alright, there is finally another meaningful card in MMA this weekend, and the best part of it is that it's on free television (for those who actually have cable). Before we get into the picks, I have to admit that this doesn't look like the most entertaining card on paper, but there are a lot of meaningful fights for guys trying to take the steps towards title contention. Plus, even if a card looks like shit on paper, it still has the chance to produce some awesome fights.

Rob Kimmons vs. Steve Steinbeiss - I honestly don't know much about either of these fighters, but Steinbeiss is only 4-3 overall, so I'll go with Kimmons since he has a better record and has actually won in the UFC. This is most likely a loser gets cut from the UFC match, so that's always exciting. Rob Kimmons by 2nd Round TKO.

Darren Elkins vs. Charles Oliveira - Another fight I don't know shit about outside of their records. Oliveira is undefeated and Elkins has one loss. Still, I think Elkins has faced superior competition, so I'll go with Elkins to win the fight. Darren Elkins by 3rd Round Submission.

Mike Massenzio vs. Brian Stann - Brian Stann is making his debut at middleweight, coming down from light heavyweight where he had mixed results. Massenzio is coming off a 20 month layoff. If Stann can make the weight without any major problems, I think his size will be able to keep the fight standing, and he'll be able to win a decision. Brian Stann by Unanimous Decision.

James Irvin vs. Igor Pokrajac - Irvin wants to keep this fight standing while Igor wants to get this fight to the ground so he can avoid strikes as much as possible. I don't think Pokrajac has shown anything to say that he can take a guy and beat on him for three straight rounds, so eventually, I think Irvin will find his opening and finish the fight. James Irvin by 2nd Round TKO.

DaMarques Johnson vs. Matthew Riddle - After losing The Ultimate Fighter Finale against James Wilks, Johnson has looked far more impressive. His striking has provided a lot of problems for opponents. Still, Riddle is a big guy for the weight class, and I think he'll be able to use his wrestling to grind out Johnson for the win. Matthew Riddle by Unanimous Decision.

Paul Kelly vs. Jacob Volkmann - Paul Kelly is surprising in that he's from England, and you don't automatically hate him. His fights always bring a lot of pace, and he's a fun guy to watch. Volkmann moved down to lightweight in his last fight and won a tough fight against Ronys Torres. I think Volkmann's wrestling will help him control the fight and get him the victory. Jacob Volkmann by Unanimous Decision.

Takanori Gomi vs. Tyson Griffin - Takanori Gomi is a really talented fighter, but his game stopped progressing in 2006. He got outmatched by Kenny Florian in his first fight in the UFC, which isn't a terrible thing, because KenFlo is kind of awesome. Still, I think Tyson Griffin will be able to control this fight, and as long as he doesn't get sucked into a striking war with Gomi, Griffin should be able to cruise to a victory. Tyson Griffin by Unanimous Decision.

John Howard vs. Jake Ellenberger - John Howard is 4-0 in the UFC, and Ellenberger is 1-1. To be fair, Howard has had some friendly matchmaking so far in his UFC career, but that ends when he faces Ellenberger. If Howard keeps the fight standing, it's his to lose, but I think Ellenberger will be able to take him down and ground and pound to a victory. Jake Ellenberger by 2nd Round TKO.

Mark Munoz vs. Yushin Okami - People love Mark Munoz. And really, a Division I National Champion wrestler is always easy to root for and expect big things from. The problem is, he hasn't looked all that impressive in his fights. He did finish Ryan Jensen which was impressive, but he got his ass handed to him by Kendall Grove before turning it around in the second round. He also took a split decision against Nick Catone before those fights. Meanwhile, Okami is a tough dude. He's not flashy, but he's big, strong, and tough to take down. Chael Sonnen said that Okami was the toughest guy he ever fought, and Chael Sonnen doesn't lie. Hence, I got to go with Okami. Yushin Okami by Unanimous Decision.

Jon Jones vs. Vladimir Matyushenko - Matyushenko is a tough guy, but he wasn't able to outwrestle Tito Ortiz when he was in his prime. Now he's about 40 years old. Jon Jones looks like an athletic freak, but apparently he isn't. I'm not sure where I heard this (I think it was Josh Gross from si.com), but Jon Jones can't dunk a basketball. I can't confirm that story, but if he can't, that's awesome. The dude was literally just made to fight, because when he fights, he is a freak of nature. I think he is going to steamroll Matyushenko, and I'll be very curious as to who the UFC puts up against him next, because he's definitely ready for top level competition. Jon Jones by 1st Round TKO.

-Joe

P.S. I haven't had a chance to watch Jersey Shore yet, but don't be surprised to see a rundown of the first episode this weekend or on Monday.

P.P.S. Jose Canseco isn't in a very chipper mood today; apparently somebody just told him that he's not immortal.
JoseCanseco We will all be dead one day
JoseCanseco You won't even know when your dead its like never living,same ass before you where ever born
JoseCanseco How many of you think you will live for ever

I really hope I never have the same ass before I was born.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Old School Writings: Religion Rap Battle Part 2

Alright, the exciting conclusion of Religion Rap Battle is coming up. Just as a reminder, we left off with the rapper representing the Jews, Co-Sure, ready to do battle with the fellow representing Catholicism, Joss Reckus. I highly recommend reading this so you can know which religion truly is the best.

“Catholics keep saying the same things, blaming my people for this and that, but if you try to touch my money, I’ll come at you with a baseball bat. Try to come at me now, I ain’t scurd, my rhymes will trample you like a buffalo herd. You got the big three with Jesus, Joseph, and Mary, I heard you couldn’t afford anal beads so you had to use a rosary. Lets remind everyone that Seinfeld and Einstein were both great Jews, do you really want a religion where priests taking alter boys to private pews? What’s that? Your anus is hurtin’? Did a priest take you behind that curtain? Nah, nah, you’re a little old for that, must have put a hamster up there since you couldn’t fit the cat. My rhymes are dominant, do I really need to say any more, the only way your story has a happy ending is if you can afford the film Pussy Galore.”

The crowd erupted in cheers, but Joss completely phased out the noise and just listened to the beat that came on for him. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now look at you, looking dumb and helpless like a disobedient dog, your mind can’t even fathom this lyrical fog. Catholics don’t back down, we persevere, if you want to see a douche bag, go look in the mirror. In this rap battle, I’m killing you with all these rhymes, you killed my lord, I know this because I saw the Passion twelve times. Hang my God on a cross, he comes back three days later, I heard something about you, you’re a chronic masturbator. Come on Co-Sure, everybody knows you look like a rat, when you give out the bread, remember to ask if they’d like wine with that. Look at you, is that a tear in your eye? I think I’ll call you NSYNC, because you’re going bye, bye, bye. I think you’ve gone through enough, so go to the pool and take a dip, don’t wait up for me, I’ll be in the championship.”

With that, the crowd erupted into the loudest cheers of the day. The judges deliberated for a couple seconds and again unanimously chose Joss as the winner, Co-Sure had been eliminated and Judaism was not going to be the chosen religion. Joss again went to the Pope to talk about strategy for his last match.

“So, I’m going up against Kaballah in the finals?

“Wait, you didn’t hear?” the Pope questioned.

“Hear about what?”

“Kaballah lost its semifinal match, you don’t have to worry about them…

“Wait, you mean…”

“Yes, that upstart religion that neither of us thought had a shot is in the finals.”

“All right, that doesn’t matter, Catholicism will trump all and finally have its place as the world’s only religion.” Joss continued, “No more wars over varying beliefs, separation of church and state can end, the world will be a better place and my rhymes representing Catholicism will be the reason. I would ask for advice, but I feel supremely confident in my abilities, this guy has no shot.”

“Now just remember…”

“Yeah, I know, follow the word of the Lord. I got it,” Joss arrogantly stated while walking away. His opponent would be a young lyricist by the name of The Disciple. He didn’t know much about him, and didn’t really care much either, this was his tournament to win.

He went to the stage just like he had every time before, with full intention of winning. Once he got on stage, he never considered the implications of this final match, he was zoned in and ready to rhyme. Announcer Mark Buffer took over, “Ladies and gentleman, we have finally reached the Finals of the Religion Rap Battle Tournament. To my left, from Plankinton, South Dakota, representing CATHOLICISM, JOSS RECKUS!” The crowd exploded with cheers as his name was said and he couldn’t help but smirk a little from the applause. “And to my right, from Venice Beach, California, representing the Church of HULKAMANIA, THE DISCIPLE!” The crowd erupted in equal cheers and the smirk quickly went away from Joss’s face, because he knew it was game time.

For the first time in the tournament, Joss lost a coin toss and would be forced to go first. It didn’t matter in his opinion, nobody could touch his rhymes. As he heard the thumping of the beats, he nodded his head to the music, and then he went into his rhymes.

“Preaching your word leads to people saying L-O-L, J-K, and see-ya, here’s some advice, go drink a bucket of diarrhea. There’s something off about you and your beliefs, maybe you’ve been smoking the peace pipe with the Indian Chiefs. Hulk Hogan as a God? Please tell me this is a joke, at Wrestlemania Six, it was clear that he choked. Miss Elizabeth was a ho and Hulk didn’t fuck her, I don’t know about you, but to me, sounds like he might be a dick sucker. I can’t believe you’re walking around gap toothed and pale, you’re so ugly that when you smile it looks like your tongue’s in jail. Lying about Hulkamania being the way to be, but we all know steroids give you a small weenie. Don’t waste your time trying to come up with a good rap, because I can guarantee everything you say will be absolute crap. In the Church of Hulkamania, they have fear of the snatch, give up right now and concede this match.”

Again, Joss’s rap was met with huge applause and he proudly handed the microphone over to Disciple, confident that Catholicism would prevail no matter what Disciple did.

Still, The Disciple seemed unfazed by Joss’s rap. He confidently took the mic and went into his rhymes. “If there’s a big time disaster, like a bomb about to fall, don’t worry bout runnin’ Hulkamania will protect us all. The three rules of Hulkamania, say your prayers, eat your vitamins, and train, you’ve got to stay in good shape with your body and your brain. Like Hulk says, ‘Always go swimming with a buddy, work real hard and always study.’ I’m a Hulkamaniac because I love to have fun with my family and friends, I stop stressing out and hope the fun never ends. Hulk slammed a giant at Wrestlemania Three, ninety-thousand people cheered with glee. Hulk Hogan’s my savior, that’s all you need to know, when times are their toughest, the Hulk’s always ready to go. Can you feel the music, can you feel the beat? Drugs are bad, but Hulkamania is neat. Whether you like your sauce hot, medium, or mild, it doesn’t matter, because Hulkamania is runnin’ wild.”

Joss couldn’t help but laugh as Disciple finished his rap, but his laugh quickly turned into a frown as the crowd roared with applause. People dug the wholesomeness of his message, but he knew it would come down to the judges.

Announcer Mark Buffer again took the microphone to announce who the winner would be. “Ladies and gentleman, the judges have reached a decision in the finals of the Religion Rap Battle. Winner by unanimous decision,” as the announcer said this, Joss felt supremely confident that he had won yet again and Catholicism was finally the official religion of the world. Buffer continued, “and NEW religion of the world…HULKAMANIA!” With that, Joss’s heart sank into his stomach, he had been beaten by a guy who said nothing but corny things while he rapped.
As the crowd went to pure insanity celebrating the first-time there was only one religion in the world, Joss quickly walked to find the Pope. “How could that happen?” Joss asked the Pope.

“You failed to follow the word of the Lord.”

“Yeah, but now Jesus isn’t my Lord anymore, Hulk Hogan is.”

“You failed to think it through, Hulk Hogan has always been our lord.”

“What?” Joss asked. “How can you say that?”

“Hulkamania instilled the right type of values in their followers, where Catholicism put so much pressure on you that you started cursing and trying to tear down other religions instead of building up your own. Hulkamania is everything Catholicism wishes it could be, and now that wish will come true.”

Joss knew he was right. Catholicism wasn’t anywhere near the religion that Hulkamania was. Throughout the years, Catholics had killed millions of people defending their beliefs, Hulkamania had never killed anyone. Everything was so uptight in Catholicism, while Hulk Hogan would play air guitar with a giant pink boa, Jesus’ most wild moment was taking off his sandals to get his feet washed. He liked the fact that Jesus was able to turn water into wine, but it was true that Hulk had slammed a man that was over five-hundred pounds, Jesus was way too small to ever pull anything like that off. After realizing these things, he went to congratulate The Disciple.

“Hey, I just wanted to say that you did an awesome job out there, and you definitely deserved to win.”

“Well, thank you, you were an awesome competitor. I hope you handle the adjustment of changing religions all right.”

“You know, I don’t think it will be a problem. I used to bleed blood red, but now I bleed the red and yellow of Hulkamania.” With that, Joss removed his white WWJD t-shirt to show his new colors, a yellow shirt with red lettering that read “Hulkamania Lives Forever.”

************

And that is the exciting conclusion of this story. Not only do I hope that it was an enjoyable read, I hope it makes you search deeper into your own religious beliefs so you can make the right decision on which religion to follow.

-Joe

P.S. Don't call Hulk Hogan names, you'll just make yourself look like an asshole.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Old School Writings: Religion Rap Battle

I literally have nothing on my mind, so I figured I'd still produce a blog post by just publishing one of the stories I wrote back in college. It's about a Religion Rap Battle to determine the one true religion for the world. I'm going to post the first half of the story today, and I'll post the second half tomorrow. Let me know if you enjoy it.

Religion Rap Battle

It was the first, it was the last, and it absolutely meant everything. It was the first ever religion rap battle. All the big dogs came to this tournament and so many had already fallen. Joss Reckus had coasted through the preliminaries to make it to the elite eight. People constantly asked him how he got his name, and he was happy to explain that Joss Reckus was actually an anagram for Jesus Rocks. As much fun as he had making it here, he knew that he had to take every opponent seriously now. Sure, destroying belief systems like Jehovah’s Witnesses, Mormonism, and Matrixism was easily done, but now he had to face the big dogs. They were down to the real religions, the final eight were an upstart religion that he hadn’t heard much about and hence didn’t care, Kaballah, Scientology, Satanism, Judaism, Rastafarianism, Jedi Census Phenomenon, and him representing Catholicism.

Joss Reckus was born as Neil Walter Owens and was raised in Plankinton, a small town just north of I-90 in South Dakota. His life started with him being a loyal Catholic, but he strayed away from the word of God when entering high school and hanging out with the wrong crowd. Then, he started hanging out with a bad crowd, drinking, experimenting with drugs, and touching himself in non-Christian ways. Luckily, he kept up with his school work and attended Middle Tennessee State, using academic scholarships to help him pay for it. It was in college that he truly found the lord again. He knew that he could not just believe in the lord, for that would not be enough after his excessive ventures into sin, he had to spread the word of the Lord. He started an FAC group for people who didn’t want to go to the bars, but wanted to pray instead. In just two months, he was able to triple its membership, from three to nine people. Unfortunately, membership leveled off there and was never quite able to get up to its double-digit goal.

Neil was worried that his efforts were not enough, and he stayed up late at nights thinking of ways that he could best serve his Lord. Exposure would be the key to him fulfilling his aspirations as a good Catholic. Late one night as he laid in bed watching the television, he flipped on Black Entertainment Television and saw the video for the song “Jesus is the Real O.G.” by Artery Snatch. Neil had always thought that rap music was music for the devil, in the way that they talked about shooting people and keeping their “gangsta” reputation. He knew that this was not the way of the lord. Artery Snatch finally was bringing the right idea to the rap business by using his words to get across the message that Jesus is the man. Unfortunately, Mr. Snatch also had lyrics like, “Jesus could pop 40 niggas before they got their hands on their gats, after that, he’d take their bitches and add them to his stats,” and also “Jesus banged hella hoes but knew how to keep their mouths shut, he was a true playa that never touched the butt.” Neil was disappointed that Mr. Snatch had misinterpreted the bible in this way, and knew that he had to set this world straight about Christ, and rap was the one way that he could do it.

The man that brought him here, Pope Innocent XV, was now his coach because he was the one with the most on the line in this tournament from the world of Catholicism so Joss always valued his opinion.

“Coach, do you have any advice for me when I get out there?” Joss asked.

“Live by the word of our Lord,” the Pope answered.

“Yeah, I know that and all, but anything specific that I might want to focus on?”

“Let Jesus guide you.”

“Uh, all right, thanks coach,” a rather confused Joss answered to him. He prepared by thinking about all the problems with Scientology, and how he couldn’t let them win. Before he knew it, he was on stage, and the scientologist representative, Stephen H. Cruise, better known by his rap name of Maverick would soon be lyrically assaulting Catholicism. He couldn’t believe all the people, hundreds of thousands were able to go to this to see one religion crowned as the true belief system of the world. The bright lights were nearly blinding, but it didn’t matter, he didn’t need to see the crowd, all he had to do was keep his head on straight and keep his flow tight. The smell of marijuana smoke was overwhelming, and although Joss wanted to tell the crowd the evils of recreational drugs, he knew that he needed the crowd to feel him so that he could best represent for Jesus. He won the coin toss and elected to go second, Maverick quickly went into his rhymes.

“Yo, yo, yo yo, yo yo, Jesus ain’t cool, I think he blow. I believe in spirit, body, and mind, in your religion, it’s the blind leading the blind. DAMN, that ain’t kind, but my leader is one of a kind. Your religion tries to promote itself with a bunch of politics, but if you come at me, I’ll scuff your kicks. My dad starred in movies, my mother was Dawson’s ho, my religion’s got hella dough. OH! Yeah, I said it, whatcha gonna do, spit at me, I’ll give you the Arabian flu. Look at you, wearing that stupid cross ‘round yo neck, you better pray, because your religion is getting straight wrecked. Here we are, near the end of November, the scientology garbage men could use a new member. OH SHIT! Playa, after my rhymes, you’re asking yourself how, save yourself time and embarrassment, please leave now.”

And with that, the crowd erupted in cheers for Maverick. Joss knew that he had brought it, but knew that everything he spit could easily have a counter. He heard the beat come on, and thinking stopped for him, he got in the zone and started putting it down. “You think you’re big, you think you’re bad, but compared to us, scientology’s a fad. You got some big time celebrities, whoopty doo, your mom is hot, so just like Dawson, I’d fuck her too. You’re so stupid you rhymed kind with kind, did somebody put your brain through a coffee grind? At least in my religion, I have a true God, while in yours you take the word of a blatant fraud. Keep talkin’ shit, I’ll keep bringing it to ya, that crap might work in Europe, but this is America. I heard all your guys are fans of packing fudge, you shouldn’t have worn white underwear, because everyone can see that shit smudge. Your religion is so lame, you probably play with pogs, I’d say something about your women, but I don’t judge hogs.

And with that, the lyrical battle was over and the crowd erupted in cheers. The three judges voted unanimously for Joss to move on; he was two wins away from being a legend in the world of Catholicism. After the match, he wanted to talk to his coach, but ran into one of the other competitors first.

“Nice job, that was almost as good as a Jedi,” said Luke Rhymespitter, representative of the Jedi Census Phenomenon.

“Thanks, and good luck with your match against Co-Sure, he’s one tough Jew.”

“I need no luck, the force is strong with me.”

With that, Joss quickly walked away hoping to avoid any more conversing with Luke. He wandered around for about half an hour and found out that Co-Sure beat Luke Rhymespitter. Finally he ran into the Pope and asked about his performance.

“Just remember, follow the word of our savior, the Lord Jesus Christ,” Innocent replied.

“Yeah, you got any specific tips when I take on Co-Sure? I heard he was pretty tough when he beat up on Rhymespitter.”

“Let the word of the Lord guide you.”

“All right, thanks coach.” With that, he walked away to get some water to help his throat. He couldn’t help but think back on his days in college. He spent hours every night practicing rhymes, writing stuff down, preparing for nothing in particular, but he believed in the proverb of, “Preparing is the best way to be ready.” Then, his big chance finally came when Middle Tennessee State would hold a rap battle open to all current students with the first prize being a $10 gift certificate to Dollar General, but that meant nothing to him, exposure is what he needed to spread the word of the Lord. He expected the competition to be fierce, but was pleasantly surprised to find out that only two other people had signed up. He put them in a lyrical fog as he proclaimed, “Jesus is on my side, I say to hell with gay pride.” The exposure was much greater than he could have imagined, for he quickly got signed to a record deal by Grumpy Munchkin records. The name Neil Walter Owens was not the rap name that would take him to the top, and that is when he changed it to Joss Reckus. He quickly dominated the record charts with his first two albums, but felt unsatisfied. That all changed when a man came to him with an opportunity to truly change the world.

That opportunity brought him here, to the rap battle to settle it all in the world of religious beliefs. Here, in the final eight, he would have to first beat the representative from Scientology. He sat there contemplating everything, looking down to his WWJD wristband for help in all of this. Then looking at his platinum cross that he wore everywhere to show how true he was to representing for all Catholics. He thought about how the Jews were behind the death of Jesus, and this was the moment that he could finally extract revenge on them for killing his Savior. A man came up to him and told him that he had five minutes to get on stage. He got on stage again, this time, he didn’t notice the crowd, he didn’t notice the smell, and he was unfazed by the lighting. He was in a trance and knew that Co-Sure was going to be in a world of hurt. Again, Joss won the coin toss, and Co-Sure was ready to bring it.

************

And that's all for today, but I'll be back with the exciting conclusion tomorrow. Again, all feedback is appreciated.

-Joe

P.S. Speaking of religious raps, I would hope that we could all enjoy a nice Christian Side Hug to maintain our purity.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

The Real Life Peter Pan

The Internet is a wondrous place with many great examples of what's so fucked up about the world. There are also examples of what makes this world so beautiful. I'll let you make your own decisions about The Real Peter Pan.

It's amazing where your mind wanders when you're not doing much, and for some reason, I thought about that guy who thought he was Peter Pan. I probably haven't seen this website in 5-7 years but I figured I would revisit it. If you've already seen it, it's great to look again, because trust me, you will be shocked and awed, and if you've never seen it before, well, you're in for a treat. I believe he said it best when he described his site, "It is, by design, arranged more like a treasure hunt than a traditional website." Let the hunting begin. Just in case you have yet to check out the site (I don't blame you), here's a picture of Peter Pan so we're all on the same page:This treasure hunt is going to be awesome. First off, this is a 56 year-old man. I can't say for sure when this picture was taken, but the website started in 2001, so at best, he was 46 when this picture was taken. But the main page is kind of boring, so let's find some of that treasure he was talking about.

Well, after going on my treasure hunt for a while, I expected to find just one buried treasure on this site, but oh no, Peter Pan left me two buried treasures. The first one is good news for all as it is pictures of Peter Pan in all his get ups. I could probably post 100 of these pictures and get a good laugh out of all of them, but I figured I should limit myself to two winners so we don't create overkill on all his awesome fashion. Let's start with a tame one just to warm everybody up:
He describes this as his Little Lord Fauntleroy look, and that stuffed animal is his wabbit, Woodie. I gotta say, Peter is looking pretty rough in this picture. The bags under the eyes meant that he was acting a little too childish and playing all night long instead of going to sleep when it was his bedtime. But 56 year-old men will be kids, right? Uh oh, just realized Peter wasn't being a kid, he was being a grownup last night. The reason for the bags under his eyes is probably that nearly empty bottle of booze that is hanging out on the mantle. The alcohol hits him even harder later in this session when he decides that this outfit works without pants as a makeshift onesy.

Let's move on, and yes, this one is definitely worse.
This one was for a theme-party for Alice in Wonderland. I didn't know there was crossover on fantasy characters, but apparently there is, and Peter is living it up in this fashionable attire. He lets us know that no bunny suit would be complete without a fuzzy tail. Even though this picture nearly made me vomit, look how happy he is. He even sprayed some whiskers on his face so he could really get into the part. Wait a minute, those aren't sprayed on whiskers, are they Peter? God damnit. It looks like Peter just got a little sloppy with his cocaine use, and that is why he is so damn happy. Come on Peter, you'll never find your Tinkerbell if you're all hopped up on drugs.

And this brings me to my next treasure chest. Bad news ladies, apparently Peter, in his booze and cocaine influenced state, found his Tinkerbell, and let me tell you, she's a keeper.
Although this is probably the least disturbing picture, it may be my favorite. I like to think of it as their first meeting. They both went to the art exhibit opening dressed in their normal street clothes and were glancing around at all the art. Old Tinkerbell was just minding her business as no man was paying much attention to her (they were probably nervous about her beauty). Meanwhile, Peter caught a glimpse of this fetching lass and knew that he had to have her. He obviously got the stiffest drink he could find and made his approach. He was able to get within two feet of her without her noticing that they might have something in common. But once she did notice him, sparks flew, and their journey of love began.

In fact, here is the happy couple right after getting married.
It was a beautiful ceremony, and I've got to admit Peter, you definitely found yourself a thoroughbred dimepiece with your lovely bride. The only thing that felt a little off is that some of their friends kind of looked like freaks. It's very odd that such normal, well-adjusted human beings would hang out with freaks, but Peter doesn't discriminate and neither does his Tinkerbell.

If you're into extremely disturbing things, there's plenty to love about this website, and I highly recommend going through every nook and cranny that you can find.

-Joe

P.S. I thought about ending this post with something creepy like, "Don't worry ladies, this Peter Pan is still looking for his Tinkerbell," but that sentence actually makes me feel sick to my stomach so I thought better of it.

P.P.S. His site has had over 11 million visitors. Currently, the most visitors in a day for my blog is 75, which means it will take me over 400 years to accumulate that many visitors.

P.P.P.S. If you have any websites that are disturbing like this (and not like goatse), send them my way as this was thoroughly enjoyable for me to research and write.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Quick Thoughts: Sports Edition 2

I feel like Anderson Silva has had the perfect opponents for him to have such a dominant run. The only two guys who could provide matchup problems were Nate Marquardt and Dan Henderson. Marquardt got caught early and lost. Henderson dominated the first round, but then went away from his gameplan, got rocked, and then choked out. Chael Sonnen is a bad matchup for Anderson Silva. If he sticks to the gameplan of taking him down, working to pass guard and doing ground and pound, there's no reason he can't win that fight. Also, he gets more and more awesome everyday. He was asked what he thought about people thinking he was homophobic for making comments about Anderson Silva wearing a pink hat. His response was priceless:
Chael Sonnen: That's the first time I've heard that, so let me put you on the spot. What does homophobic mean?
Greg Savage: Scared of homosexuals.
Chael Sonnen: Do you know one living person who is SCARED of a homosexual?
Greg Savage: (Laughing) No.
Chael Sonnen: So the term is just silly. You and I together don't know anybody who is scared of a homosexual, so it's really just a ridiculous question.

I am going to try incredibly hard to work that explanation into any conversation that I have.

It has been a depressing time for MMA right now as no big fights have happened since Lesnar beat Carwin. I think I'm becoming a junky, because when I can't get any of the good stuff, I'll still watch Ken Shamrock vs. Pedro Rizzo or even women's MMA if it's on. Also, I'm not sure if it counts, but I did watch the entire fight that happened in the Burger King parking lot. But the UFC has events the next two weekends, and the first one in Versus should be solid, but the following week might be the best card put together since UFC 100.

I finally bought a new video game for my PS2 (yes, that's a 2, not a misprint) when I got NCAA Football 11. It's really fun, but it's also got me thinking about college football in depth. One team that stands out as overrated in my opinion is Wisconsin. They got destroyed by Ohio State and the Hawkeyes handled them on the road. They also lost to Northwestern. I know they are returning just about everybody, but I just don't see how that makes them that much better. I think Scott Tolzien is extremely overrated and although their offensive line is very good, I don't see it as great. I think this will be a very disappointing year for Badger fans. The Big Ten has a lot of solid but unspectacular teams, so they could still come in third, but I feel this is a Big Ten that comes down to Iowa vs. Ohio State at Kinnick.

Other teams that I see disappointing are Oregon and Nebraska. Oregon could still have a solid season in what is a very soft PAC-10, but Nebraska is going to be exposed. They have a solid running game, but otherwise, their offense sucks, and for some reason everybody thinks their defense will be just as good if not better this year. They lost the best player in college football, call me crazy, but I think that's going to hurt them.

I would say that the team I am most worried about for the Hawkeyes (non-Buckeye version) this year is Michigan. Michigan has a ton of talent, and it's starting to be guys who were made to succeed for Rich Rodriguez. I know he has been a disaster as a coach so far, but he built West Virginia into a powerhouse without having the allure of tradition that he has with Michigan. They'll be ridiculously athletic and could cause teams problems, but their defense definitely still sucks so they're going to have to win shootouts to be competitive.

Although the Cubs should either rebuild (slim chance) or follow my advice (no chance), they need to at least try to trim payroll with their veterans any way that they can. Jim Hendry should not be concerned about the prospects coming back if people are willing to pony up all the cash to pay these guys for the rest of the year. Also, outside of A-Ram, any non-arbitration player they have should be traded if somebody is willing to make the deal. Unless of course the Cubs can pull off a deal like the Angels got with Dan Haren, I think Jeff Samardzija and three nobodies should get us Josh Johnson.

I wish there was a site that would report rumors of prospects being traded. I don't give a shit who wants Ted Lilly from the Cubs, but I am interested what prospects the Cubs want in return for their veterans. That would be an awesome website.

That's all I got.

-Joe

P.S. I've been watching a movie the last few nights called Control Alt Delete. It's about Y2K and a guy who drills holes into his computer so he can have sex with it. The only thing I know about the movie is that it's disturbing. It's not really funny, but it's not really bad, and it's also not very good, but I'm hoping to have some sort of opinion about this movie once I finally finish it.

P.P.S. Owen Maestro answered more kids' questions, and although it isn't quite as strong as the first video, it may have a few moments that stand out a little bit more. My second favorite exchange was:
Child: Has there ever been women doctors?
Doctor: Of course there are women doctors...but they're called nurses.
But the best one is definitely at the end of this video.

Friday, July 23, 2010

When Wrestlers Act: Wrong Side of Town

So I finally got around to watching the movie, Wrong Side of Town, starring RVD with a strong supporting role from Batista. My expectations were not high going into this movie, but it absolutely blew me out of the water. Usually in my movie reviews, I'll give away some of the plot so you don't have to pain yourself by going through the movie. In this movie, I just want to go over some of the highlights so instead of drinking this weekend, you can find yourself having a raucous good time on The Wrong Side of Town.

:07 - We start with a sexy lady in the pool, and flash to a worker who is about use a chainsaw and some tree stump. Oh, but that’s not any old random worker, that’s RVD, Rob Van Dam. The chainsaw isn’t working, no big deal, RVD karate chops the wood. Hell yes he does.

:07 - Oh no, sexy pool lady has somehow drowned. RVD to the rescue, he gets her to safety…and what’s this? She was just messin; she had to practice for her drama class. Either way, Mom is grounding her for a month. RVD is bummed, but manages to talk Mom down to two weeks.

:08 - Just realized that RVD wasn’t a random worker, but is actually her father. RVD playing the role of Dad has me incredibly excited.

:09 - Now the neighbor just came by to ask for a hammer, and RVD told him he could help him with that, if he had a driver’s license and major credit card. Then he did this pose:
He looks mean, but he’s just kidding. The neighbor sure was nervous.

:09 – We learn that RVD hates the city, probably because he can never stay on the right side of town.

:10 – I know I’m only ten minutes in, but everything RVD says makes me laugh. This may be one of the greatest movies ever made.

:12 – The neighbor is a club owner’s lawyer. He tries to high-five the club owner, but he has none of it. The club owner does offer to comp their meal. The neighbor is pumped about the free meal, RVD is apprehensive and says that you always end up paying in the long run, could this be foreshadowing? I think so.

:17 – I can’t properly explain how awesome everything RVD says is. The neighbor’s wife came back without his wife, and he asked, “Where’s Dawn?” If I would have been drinking anything at that moment, it would have been spit on my computer.

:18 – RVD just killed a dude, his response, “He had it coming.” There is no such thing as remorse in the world of RVD.

:36 – RVD is about to trick people hired to kidnap him into thinking there are diamonds in his sock. This is awesome.

:37 – Just had this exchange:
Neighbor: Where did you learn to fight like that?
RVD: I watched a lot of Jackie Chan movies.

:39 – Turns out it wasn’t Jackie Chan movies where he learned to fight, it was in the special forces.

:43 – RVD is surrounded by bad guys, and they send in their big enforcer, MABEL! Hell yes.

:46 – RVD says he needs to call in an old debt. Who does he meet? BATISTA!

:47 – Some stripper just implied RVD was gay, apparently she can’t recognize a testosterone-fueled badass when she sees one.

:49 – So this movie just had the scene from Team America where the one guy tries to outact Alec Baldwin, except RVD and Batista just did the opposite.

:55 – Batista is having a conversation with a dead guy, it’s brilliant.

1:02 – What do all badasses need?
Badass Shades and...
A Badass Bike Helmet.

1:14 – Just imagine this sneaking up on you in real life.


1:16 – They are now playing slap hands during a knife fight.


And with that, I'm sure you are confused about what actually happens in this movie. All this movie involves is great acting, awesome action scenes, great acting, awesome RVD moments, and great acting. This movie was so manly that I had to manscape both before and after this movie. Still I HIGHLY recommend the movie Wrong Side of Town.

-Joe

P.S. If you want to watch a really crappy movie that will make you think and stuff, watch Inception, talk about a snoozer.

P.P.S. I haven't even seen that movie, but I probably just gave half of my readers a heart attack because everyone seems to think it's the greatest thing ever. Apparently those people never saw No Holds Barred.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

I Am Not Classy

This may come as a shock to many of you, but I am not a classy person. I think many people see my dashing good-looks and assume that I am classy, but that is not the case. Now, I certainly wouldn't consider myself white trash, but I am closer to that than I am to being classy. Let's look at the disturbing evidence.

I don't have nice stuff, I have shit that gets me by. A lot of my friends have fancy sports cars, but I don't really need that. Mostly because I'm far more interested in gas mileage than cool points. I have a 1998 Ford Escort. Outside of mysteriously losing coolant and air in one of the tires, it's an amazing vehicle. Yes, it would never win a race against my old T-Racer (actually it probably could since that car is probably sitting in some junkyard right now), but it is efficient and it has traveled across the country with no problems.

A lot of my friends have fancy sunglasses that cost hundreds of dollars. One of them even has a pair that's so fancy that I thought they were made for a lady. When I told him this, he did not take it a compliment, but I don't know anything about fashion, my best shirts say Giant Sunflower Seeds on them. I don't even own a pair of sunglasses, and I don't think I have for the last ten years.

And there's always my bed to talk about. Being in my mid-20s, some would say it's time to get a real bed, but not me, my air mattress is just fine. And if it pops, I just have to stop by Bed, Bath, & Beyond and exchange it for a new one. I've been in Albuquerque for less than three months, and I've already had two beds.

For entertainment, my house has no cable which I am surprised at how little it has affected me. A lot of people have fancy televisions and gaming systems. I have a PS2 that I haven't bought a game for in probably five years. But I do get to play it on my fancy twenty inch Samsung that I have had for nearly fourteen years.

I stopped purchasing books as I just get them from the library right now. Davenport had a surprisingly classy library, but Albuquerque's more fits my classless lifestyle. Still, I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to handle reading the latest book that I got, because it has a really funky smell that makes me gag while reading it. Just one of those fun quirks of getting books where homeless people hang out.

I have one go-to pair of jeans and one go-to pair of khaki shorts, I have no idea the last time that either of them were washed.

I not only drink, but prefer Natural Light to other beers.

I also pretend to be a janitor while on the dance floor.

Another thing people do in their mid-20s is find employment. Not me, I'm able to live the unemployment dream because of my lack of classiness. Some would be shamed by living with their parents for two years. Not me. Plus, I always had the excuse that I needed to get home before the street lights come on in case ladies tried to seduce me by feeding me alcohol. Better luck next time ladies.

When it comes to possessions, the only things that I can really use to impress the ladies is an extensive collection of Starting Lineups and Pro Wrestling Action Figures. Wait, girls aren't impressed by those things? Shit. Well, apparently, I have no material possessions that will impress the ladies, I guess I'll just have to use the old fallback of looks and personality. I may not be classy, but at least I'm pretty.

-Joe

P.S. If someone asks you to come over for a JO session, just say no, and run for the hills.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Sports Radio: The Good, The Bad, and The Beautiful

Now that I have a radio in my car, I have began listening to a lot of sports radio when I'm on the road. For the most part, the times that I'm in the car, I can usually enjoy what's going down. But there are times that it sucks. But then there are also times where I don't want to leave my car, because it's such compelling radio. Let's go over all three.

The Good - The Scott Van Pelt show is actually a really good show. Both Van Pelt and co-host Ryen Russillo do something that is very rare for people involved with ESPN, and they actually admit when they are wrong. It's really not that difficult of a thing to do, and for me, it increases credibility as opposed to the more famous ass clowns on ESPN who just spew a bunch of garbage. They pick interesting topics and actually have intelligent debates about them. If you like ESPN on television, you probably won't like these guys.

The Bad - Mike & Mike just keeps getting more and more brutal. They really focus on the emotions of the sports world which makes it seem like I'm listening to two chicks talk about things. I wouldn't be surprised if they had a debate about who had the best ass in major league baseball. They're not quite on the level of Bayless or Paige, but that's not exactly a feather in their cap. They still suck.

The Beautiful - This is entirely premature since I just listened to them for the first time last night, but the local guys for Albuquerque Sports Radio are beautiful. How were they able to make such an impact on me in such a short period of time? They waxed poetically about a certain someone that is near and dear to my heart...
Oh yes! They LOVE Steve Alford, and I love them for that. I'm not sure if the haters heard the news, but Steve Alford got a decent pay bump along with an extension that will take him through 2020. I nearly called in to tell them that this was the greatest use of money since the Yankees bought Babe Ruth, but these radio guys were already waxing poetically about the greatness of Steve so my comments would have just been overkill. The highlights for me were when they went back to Selection Sunday where CBS sent a camera crew to The Pit to catch the reaction of the Lobos basketball team and their fans. Since I was driving, I wasn't able to get their exact words, but they basically spoke as if Steve sat in the middle as a ray of light guiding the players and fans to the promised land. They then compared their basketball program to Gonzaga's as they see themselves as a consistent powerhouse from a small conference. They believe this, because they truly believe that they have the best coach in college basketball. If I called in and told them I heard a rumor that Pat Riley wanted to fire Erik Spoelstra and hire Steve Alford as the Heat's new coach but Alford turned them down, they wouldn't think that was an outrageous rumor, they'd just credit Steve Alford's integrity and dedication to making New Mexico the best basketball program in the nation. If they love him this much during the offseason, I cannot wait until they actually start playing games. Let the good times (and good hair) roll.

-Joe

P.S. You should really read this entire rundown of North Carolina Defensive Tackle, Marvin Austin's, twitter account. For just a preview, here is a picture he posted to show his shooting prowess:

It was accompanied with this message: Hit da bullseye twice…I think I should join the .u.s rangers..oh but I shot a hostage too…opps
Opps indeed.

P.P.S. Not sure if people have watched Children's Hospital on Adult Swim, but it's awesome and this video is absolutely amazing.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

The Lonely Profile Picture

Now, usually, I'm laying a written beatdown on people when they exhibit behavior of a douchebag. Today, I am going to change my tune and show sympathy to a group of people that appear to be douchebags at first glance. I'm sure that everyone has come across this person when glancing at Facebook, MySpace, or, BlackPlanet. It is the person who takes a picture of their reflection in the mirror while they have a "cool" look going for them. When I see this, I feel no anger for these people, just sadness. Here's an example of one of these sad souls:

He's trying to look happy, but you can tell that he isn't. Think about this, these people are so desperately lonely that they are the only person they can find who would actually take a picture of them. Without their mirror and camera phone, people would only see them as a question mark when looking at their profile.

These people are so pathetic that they cannot get a Facebook picture the way that many of us get our picture. Personally, I just party hard and somehow pictures organically appear once I have sobered up. Not only are they unable to do this, they are also unable to go to a friend and say, "Hey, can you take a picture of me?" This is certainly a sad way for them to live.

Now there is some douchey behavior that I do need to touch on. First is a minor one that I briefly touched on where they try to get a "cool" look going for them. You're taking a picture of yourself in a mirror, there is no way to look cool. The other behavior is far worse, as these people are tying to look like badasses. They take a picture of a mirror while being shirtless. Oh, you lonely, lonely soul. Not only do you not have friends, you can't even afford a t-shirt. At least, I hope that's the case, because I hope that you aren't that big of a douchebag that you would actually rip off a bunch of situps and pushups before taking a picture of yourself in a mirror.
Oh, wait, you actually do.

Listen, it's easy to look cool in a profile picture. Just get friends, party hard, and have them take a picture of you with some thoroughbred dimepiece. When you reach my level of badassery, you'll learn to cut out the TD of the profile picture so the attention can properly be focused on you. Everybody already knows chicks dig me, so there's no need to show it off in a profile picture, but this is not a move for beginners. If you're taking pictures of yourself in the mirror, stick to the basics.

So get friends, party hard, get a natural picture of you actually having a good time, and you'll have a way easier time scoring babes on the internet.

-Joe

P.S. I have been striking out with my movie selections as of late, and although it wasn't a home run, the movie, Deep in the Valley, was at least a ground rule double. It has a pretty amazing cast in it. It co-starts Chris Pratt (Andy from Parks & Rec), and also has appearances by Scott Caan, Denise Richards, Tracy Morgan, Kim Kardashian, and even an appearance by Shooter McGavin. Now, yes, the plot is about two guys who get transported to an alternate dimension where every aspect of it is related to a porn movie, but I'd still give it a shot as it is at least as entertaining as Party Animalz. Also, the international title for this movie is "Hot Babes."

Monday, July 19, 2010

Yeah, You Sexy, But...

Sunday is my day of rest. Hence, I decided to enjoy a nice relaxing day where I let this body of stainless steel and sex appeal take a break while I read interesting things on the internet. Unfortunately, nobody writes anything interesting on Sundays, so I decided to hit up Twitter. Instead of reading the stuff that people I follow were writing, I decided to take a look at the column on the right side and check out the trending topics.

When I scrolled down the list, I knew I had a winner when I came across #YeahYouSexyBut. If I had a nickel for every time I proclaimed, "Yeah, you sexy, but..." I would actually have less money than I currently have. But I am a man of the people, so I decided to see what people were talking about. Here is the best of the best (my comments are in bold and italics):

iSpySky #YeahYouSexyBut when you raise your arms, your B.O can K.O someone. Please, invest in some deodorant.
I wonder if this person wants them to buy deodorant or buy stock in deodorant companies. Really, iSpySky should invest in buying deodorant and trying to sell it to this sexy person who needs it so badly. She could probably make a profit.

turtledemigod #yeahyousexybut you ain't no wolfpack ':)
I'm a traditionalist, so I don't consider anybody outside of Kevin Nash and Scott Hall part of the Wolfpack.


saybee_luhve #yeahyousexybut ya pockets thinnnnn. i dont mind paying sometimes. but everytimeeee? naaah bruh
This was actually how saybee_luhve decided to break up with me. To be fair to her, my pockets are quite thin.

xoxonisey #yeahyousexybut you need to scope out some mint for your breath.
There were hundreds of bad breath jokes, I decided just to go with one, because breath jokes were an underground world that I had no clue about until the show "Yo Mamma." Ah, who am I kidding? One more breath joke:

Melyssa_MODELO #YeahYouSexyBut why you got butter yellow teef; & Your Breath got a kick harder than Jackie Chan!
I only included this one, because it spelled teeth, "teef." Also, I feel somebody else should replace Jackie Chan as a hard kicker. Obviously, as a quarter Croat, my vote is for Mirko Cro Cop.

turtledemigod #YeahYouSexyBut You are dumber than a retarded squirrel...with RABIES.
Because the rabies make the retarded squirrel extra dumb. I really want to ending all of my insults with "with RABIES." You're such a tool...with RABIES! It really adds a whole new dimension to the insult. I can't think of a situation where "with RABIES" doesn't double the impact of the insult.

iDEVOUR_Nae #YeahYouSexyBut u still gotta buy yo own movie ticket... u aint my wife hoe!
I agree with him, but I'm not sure if he's calling her a hoe, and telling that hoe that she's not his wife or if wife hoe is a new term that I should be using on the ladies. I really like the term wife hoe.

getsummafia1017 #YeahYouSexyBut putting this paperbag over your face will make you a #10
I'm probably the only person who reads this and sees a philosophical debate. Personally, I feel that there is no way that a girl could be a ten if she has a paper bag over her face. Now this guy might have a fetish for girls who look like you can put groceries in their face. I don't. Now the debate becomes, what can a girl with a paperbag over her face top out at? My gut reaction was a 7, but that still seems a little high after further thought. I'm debating between a six and seven, but feel free to give me your thoughts on this issue.

Da_FlyMalcolmX
#YeahYouSexyBut you just ate all the gotdamn Red Lobster biscuits..you couldn't save me any?!

This was definitely my favorite one as me and this guy are on the same wave length. If Jessica Alba decided to eat all the Red Lobster biscuits, it would certainly be a deal breaker. I also love the term "gotdamn" because it shows that he's too classy to use the lord's name in vein. So all the ladies out there that read this blog and see me as the quintessential male, take note, don't eat all the gotdamn Red Lobster biscuits.

Love_Livi Lmmfao! Boldest shit ever in life! Smh. Lol RT @U_Follow_Me_1st: #yeahyousexybut you b on some stuckup shit, I hope you marry a DOG!
There's a lot to dissect here. Let's first go over the original tweet. Apparently this sexy person is pretty stuckup, so he wants her to marry a dog. Excuse me, a DOG! Usually I would have passed on from that, because it's really quite stupid and not very clever. What got my attention is that someone decided to retweet this to their followers so everyone could see that this was "Boldest shit ever in life!" I have spent way too much time thinking about this, and I cannot figure out how that is "boldest shit in life." I do know that I am a bold person though, so I figure I should probably start being the boldest shit in life and start telling girls to marry dogs. Also, Smh=Shaking my head, thanks Urban Dictionary.

AE_wearinAZZ #YeahYouSexyBut you dont have a twitter!?
I think this is a deal breaker for any self-respecting person. Sure you can be a thoroughbred dimepiece, but if you don't have a Twitter, your sexiness will not be enough for a relationship with me.

-Joe

P.S. If you have yet to see the movie, The Goods, please don't. It is awful, I mean, really, just an abomination of a film. Ed Helms is the only thing that keeps it out of my five worst films ever made, but it's still probably in the top ten. If you have already seen it, I'm sorry, and if you actually liked it, I've got bad news for you, you're a complete moron.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Debit Cards Are Ruining Bummies Lives

Just a quick post today as everybody is getting ramped up for the weekend. I was walking out of Wal-Mart today as I picked up a few things on my way home when a bummy stopped me. He asked me for spare change so he could get to work, and I told him I didn't have any. A pretty reasonable turn of events all things considered. The great part of this was that I didn't have any spare change. In fact, I rarely ever have spare change due to using my debit card for pretty much everything.

I love debit cards, but it could eventually eliminate the bummy. Yes, bummies are annoying and they pester you sometimes while also making you feel uncomfortable. But they're also hilarious. During my time in Seattle, I ran into a bummy who was also an engineer who promised me that a bridge was going to collapse. A few months later I ran into a Hungarian Nazi who offered to give me a book after his girlfriend stole his dog and had her bummy friends beat him up. I love bummies, and I really don't want to live in a world without them but I truly worry about debit cards possibly leading to their extinction. Just something to think about going into this weekend.

-Joe

P.S. Here is a video of Yogi Bear getting in an MMA fight with the park ranger. Yogi's got pretty solid ground and pound, but his cardio definitely needs some work.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Quick Thoughts

Obviously, I love how much everybody has been bringing up Bash at the Beach in regards to LeBron James, but this video takes it to a whole new level:


I caught the end of the ESPYS last night, and it's amazing how big a made up award can become. The beauty of it is that all awards are made up, but something seems incredibly fake about ESPYS. I put it on the same level as Guys' Choice Award. Maybe I should just join in and create an award blogpost called the JOEYS. I'm sure there would be a highly contested battle for Best West Coast Dancer.

When I thought the Bulls were going to be the big winners of free agency, I outlined a comparison between the Bulls team and characters from Saved By The Bell. It was awesome and the parallels were amazing. Now that outline pretty much ends up in the trash, unless we get JJ Redick, in which case I will stretch it to make it work or come up with a new show to compare the players to.

I have been unemployed for over eight months, and my current dream job is to be a garbage man. I wonder if any 8-year olds out there think that I have their ideal life.

If you're a fan of great comedy, this is the greatest thing that Borat has ever done. It's been a while since I watched it, but it's still as good as ever. Just please don't start quoting him again.

For those fans of Jose Canseco who don't follow him on Twitter, nothing too interesting has been happening. The biggest thing is that he lost to a 60-year old man in a boxing match, so now he will daily challenge all of his followers to fight him on "his show." I think somebody told him once that he should make a TV show, and now he thinks he has a development deal in place.

The last episode of Entourage was maybe the most painful episode to watch in the history of the show, and that's saying quite a bit considering how far that show has fallen. Not only was it incredibly boring, but everything remotely related to the NFL storyline was so brutal to watch that it made the conditions at Guantanamo Bay look like Disneyland.

-Joe

P.S. I am deeply contemplating making my first video game purchase in three years. Is NCAA Football worth the $40? Also, is the gameplay similar to Madden? And yes, I said $40, because my newest game system is still the PS2.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Dream Job

Anybody remember that show Dream Job on ESPN? That was a pretty cool show, and I tried out for it twice. The second year they had me in for a second interview after I completely dominated the debate part and followed it up by killing it on their 30 page questionnaire. Then they never had the season that I tried out for. That was a random tangent that has very little to do with what I am going to talk about today and that is my current dream job.

My current dream job is to become a garbage man. Currently, I have friends who work at the dump, but they aren't living the glamorous lifestyle that I would lead if I were a garbage man. First off, I would take everything back about twenty years. I don't want to be called a sanitation worker, and I also don't want a robotic claw to pick up the trash. I would also prefer that my neighborhood would have those classic metal garbage cans that they still use in wrestling matches.

For my attire, you better believe I wouldn't be wearing a shirt when I was working. I'd also probably compliment it with work boots and jean shorts, cutoffs of course. Looking at me normally seems like the epitome of badass, but me out in the blazing sun throwing garbage in the back of the truck shirtless would be sextasy for the ladies.

Next up, we would be in a rich neighborhood with great weather year round (that way, I'd never have to wear a shirt). Can you imagine what those housewives would do if they saw me and my boys throwing trash in the back of the truck and high-fiving like there's no tomorrow? I'd tell you what they'd do, they'd offer for us to come inside. They would say it was just to get us some lemonade since it's so hot out there, but I have a strong feeling that me in nothing but jean shorts and work boots would lead to too much sexual tension for them to resist.

Now sure, there would be those sticky situations where the husbands come home and come across the garbage man sans jean shorts and might get a little jealous. But then they'd realize that I was the garbage man, and they'd be cool with it. I imagine some of them would want to quit their high-paying Hollywood agent gig to join the crew. I'd tell him to start working on those abs and maybe we would consider him. After I put on my jean shorts, he'd probably high-five me too, because everybody loves the garbage man.

After that, I would meet up with my crew where we'd laugh about our sexual conquests. I'd hop on the back on the garbage truck as we rode into the sunset. Just another day in the life of the garbage man.

So yeah, that's my dream job.

-Joe

P.S. We'd probably eat something like this every day just to prove our manliness.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

The Quintessential Guide to Seducing Women - The Dance Floor

As you can tell by the title, I have finally decided to share my groundbreaking pickup techniques so my readers will finally be able to join me in "scoring at midnight." These techniques have a proven track record of success, and I must warn any single guys out there that using these techniques will make many ladies yearn to be your steady girlfriend.

Today, we go over a world that destroys the game of many men, the dance floor. This is obviously where my expertise is at its highest, due to the fact that I am an awesome dancer who frequently revolutionizes what club dancing is all about. Even though you'll never be as good as me, I can give you quite a few pointers to help you take steps in the right direction. First off, let's go over a couple of things you should never do on the dance floor:

1. Never start a conversation - If you're going to the dance floor, you need to commit to it which means leaving your words at the bar.

2. Never be sober - It's never a good idea to be sober, because you need to take chances that sober you would never do. It's a good idea to be able to look back at the night and say, "Wow, I can't believe I did that last night. I am such a scumbag." Whiskey is an excellent helper in this quest.

So now that you aren't striking up a conversation on religion and you're good and drunk, it's time to go over what you need to do when you get on that dance floor. There are three words that must be in your head at all times, West. Coast. Dance. West Coast Dance is something that started in Iowa and spread all the way from San Diego to Miami. Everything I learned about dancing, I learned from West Coast Dance. Now any guy can grind on a girl's backside and consider themselves a dancer, but they are no dancer and girls aren't going to be seduced by that weak shit. In fact, everything you think you know about dancing is probably wrong, so you need to take a deep breath and unlearn everything and follow a few basic principles of West Coast Dance:

1. Party Hard - We went over this briefly when I spoke of Whiskey, but I need to reiterate that you need to party incredibly hard for this to work. All inhibitions must be left with your sobriety. It is best to get so drunk that you do not need a drink while on the dance floor. You're going to need both of you hands for a lot of things, and you don't want to the dickfor throwing whiskey all over everybody as you violently gesticulate.

2. Props Are Encouraged - Now I'm not talking about the lame stuff like glow sticks, because anybody can do that. I have never brought a prop to the bar, but that doesn't mean that I don't often use them. Just this past weekend, the bar we were at left their broom and long-handled dustpan out on the dance floor. Why was this left out on the dance floor? These are the types of questions I don't ask when I am out there. I grabbed the dustpan and started sweeping it all over the place. I put it right in between a group of girls and used it as bait before reeling them in. They fell for it hook, line, and sinker, and I instantly became the life of the party.

But this does not mean you need to search for somebody to leave props behind to have a great time. You can create your own props. This can be absolutely anything that you can think of. This past weekend, I did the classic maneuver where I took my two hands and turned them into a bird. That bird flew all over the dance floor, and the ladies were mesmerized by it. Air instruments work great as well. Obviously, you can't bring a real grand piano into the club, but you can sit down indian-style on the dance floor and rock to whatever tune the bar is playing. You can even turn the female into a prop. I have seen a lady straddle a West Coast Dancer, so he let her upper body drape down and used her hair as a mop. It's all classic.

3. Women Come Second, Fun Comes First - This is the most critical of all of the facets of West Coast Dance. The second that you put the ladies first is the second that your dancing falls apart. West Coast Dance is all about having a great time, and the ladies feed off of that. I have come ridiculously close to punching or elbowing girls in the face while doing karate moves on the dance floor. Sure, some were scared, but others were impressed (Note: If you are just a beginner at West Coast Dance, please do not try karate moves. It takes incredible precision and accuracy and is extremely difficult when you already have a tremendous amount of whiskey in your system). Here's the thing, if you're the pathetic loser who is trying to ass grind girls as your go-to maneuver, you're going home alone. But if you happen to be sweeping the dance floor with a newfound dustpan, or rockin' out on your air guitar and you "accidentally" bump into them, women will see that you're having a great time and want to be a part of what is going on.

And this is the beauty of West Coast Dance. You can never get turned down by a lady, because the woman becomes secondary to you tearing up the dance floor like it's never been torn up before. Plus, women love great dancers so it'll be rare for a girl to be dumb enough to not give you a shot.

So I encourage my readers to go out this weekend and give these moves a try, I promise you won't be disappointed. And if you play your cards right, neither will she.

-Joe

P.S. To learn more about West Coast Dance, you can visit the official website here, or by searching West Coast Dance on Facebook. Also, here is the first known photograph of West Coast Dance being performed:

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Video Breakdown: Booker T and Goldust at 7-11

By popular demand, I have decided to break down a classic wrestling video of Booker T going to a 7-11 and running into Goldust. Just so everybody is on the same page, let's first take a look at the video:

As you can tell after watching the video, it's awesome. But just calling it awesome and leaving it at that would not be much of a blog post, so let's dig a little deeper.

Booker T immediately is psyched to be in a 7-11. He does the logical thing, and asks the nearest person with a mullet if he saw a giant gold freak walking around there.

Unfortunately, Booker T forgot to think about elaborate disguises. This will come into play later. Booker T then lets him know that he needs to "get his good luck, pre-ritual slurpee on."

He then asks these kids if they're looking for Booker T cups, but assures them that he will get them some later. He then sends those kids away, because he cannot be distracted when getting his slurpee on. Just in case you were wondering, Booker T prefers the blue slurpee' it's tough to argue with that choice. Booker T then sees something that irritates him:

Booker T lets cardboard RVD know that he is going to kick his punk ass, but then tells him, "Don't be scared" because cardboard RVD practically shit himself when Booker T got up in his grill.

Booker T enjoys some of his slurpee, and then asks a random Latrell Sprewell fan if he's in line.

But that's not any old Latrell Sprewell fan, it's actually...

GOLDUST! I did not see that one coming at all. It surprises me each and every time I watch this video. Booker T is pissed, but Goldust quickly apologizes for his elaborate disguise, hoping to smooth things over. Goldust is heartbroken over the fact that Booker will be teaming up with Eddy Guerrero instead of him that night. No confirmation on this, but Goldust may have slowly poisoned Guerrero causing his heart to stop just a few years later.

We then learn that Goldust is a creep, and Booker T does not like creeps. Goldust sways Booker by reminding him that they are undefeated as a team, because of their strong psychological bond. Booker T calms down a little bit, but he needs to get going. Before he does, Goldust has a proposition for him: For a drink of his slurpee, Goldust will give him a bite of his weiner. This is Booker T's reaction:

Booker T then storms out of the 7-11. Goldust eats his hot dog with no slurpee, and JR insists that Goldust is crazier than a pet coon. I couldn't have said it better myself. And that explains the brilliance of Booker T and Goldust at 7-11.

-Joe

P.S. I'm going to be on a plane when LeBron makes his announcement tonight, so feel free to text me whatever his decision is. Also, San Diegans, prepare yourselves, because West Coast Dance may rock you like a hurricane this weekend.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Babies Are Ugly, Get a Puppy Instead

Being in my mid-twenties, my friends are starting to mature by buying houses, getting married, and starting families. This last one is what I have the biggest issue with. It just does not make sense why anybody would want a baby, because babies are absolutely disgusting. I simply did a quick Google search of babies, and these are the disgusting results that I came across.

There is no way you could look at that and find any feeling other than disgust, especially with the one on the right. It's smashed up face makes it look like a Chinese grandpa who just tripped and went head first into a wall. And honestly, if they didn't wear blue and pink, there would be no way to tell what sex these little bastards were. Even with the colors, we could definitely be wrong, because all babies so ugly that it gets difficult to tell. All babies are like the Hanson kids, it's impossible to tell which ones are girls and which ones are boys. Let's check out another ugly baby:
You know what this baby's thinking? "I wish I was a puppy, because then I wouldn't be so damn ugly." Sorry baby, you are ugly, and somebody put a stupid looking shower cap on your head. Look at the bright side, everybody else has to look at your stupid face a lot more than you have to. Shit, let's move onto the next heinous looking baby:
Look how fat and stupid this baby is. You want to say that's a boy baby, but maybe it's an overly developed girl baby. You don't know, hence these creatures are disgusting. I need to get these awful images out of my head, and there's one surefire way to do that, pictures of puppies. I would say pictures of cute puppies, but all puppies are cute, so it's really just redundant at that point.
Hello puppy, how are you today?
I think this proves that puppies are way cuter, but we'll share one more picture just to seal the deal.
When you are starting a family, don't go the baby route, go the puppy route. That way, when people tell you how cute your little one is, they'll actually be telling the truth.

-Joe

P.S. Jose Canseco got back to tweeting yesterday, as always, it's brilliant:
JoseCanseco Guys don't be jealous cause I am tall dark and handsome and just turned 46 and have a gorgeous 23 year old girlfriend not to mention that
JoseCanseco I am hung like a clydesdale dammmm I am good

And then just a few minutes later:
JoseCanseco I am bored of you guys no one has a smart comment to make its like I am dealing with a bunch of dumb chimps or something

Come on you idiots, give Jose smart comments so he does not get bored.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

I Should Be A Wedding Planner

Being unemployed gives me a lot of time for brainstorming. Through these brainstorming sessions, I come up with some awesome ideas. My latest ideas are to improve everything about weddings. Weddings are a great time, you get drunk, party hard, and who knows where the night will end up? But there are many flaws with weddings and the receptions that follow. I will fix just about everything with the following ideas:

1. Wedding Attire - The suits and extravagant wedding dresses are so 1800s. You're not a debutante, so it's time to start breaking into the 21st Century. This is your special day, so you should make it as enjoyable as possible. What's more enjoyable than being comfortable? Nothing. That is why I propose that the groom wears gym shorts and a clean t-shirt (we're not going to allow people to be slobs), and brides can wear booty shorts and a tank top. I would prefer a pair of custom made booty shorts where instead of saying "Juicy" on the ass, it could say "Bride", "Taken", or "Official Bottom Bitch". I haven't decided what the bridesmaids should wear, but I think matching wife beaters for the groomsmen would add a level of class to the ceremony.

2. Decorations - There are so many flowers at weddings. You know what flowers do? They die. That's depressing a giant waste of cash. So I'm getting rid of all the flowers. Now, on a completely unrelated note (or is it?), do you ever get hungry during weddings? I know I sure do. So how can we come up with one solution for two problems? Boom, we decorate with food. Edible arrangements always does a nice job, but really, all you have to do is put different colored fruit together, and it will look nice. Plus, the fruit isn't going to die. It's going to be eaten. Once the bride walks down the aisle, those decorations are fair game for anyone to eat. You bet your ass I'm showing up on time to a wedding to make sure that I'm seated next to the most delicious edible decorations at the ceremony. Chocolate covered strawberries, delicious and nutritious (kind of).

3. Food - Honestly, wedding food is usually awesome. I have had some fantastic food, and there's really no need to mess with it. But with the addition of t-shirts instead of suits, ribs now become a much more viable option, just something to think about.

4. Wedding Cake - Wedding cake is way too fancy. Red velvet, buttercream, mocha? What the hell is that? There is no need to be fancy when you could simply be effective, and what cake does everyone love? Funfetti. From the holiest saints to the filthiest of scumbags, everybody loves funfetti. Why anyone would try to separate from this basic truth is beyond my comprehension.

5. Dance Floor - Everybody always feels awkward when they're the first people starting off the dancing at a wedding, so to help change that, we put the dance floor away from everything and make it pitch black where it is. There will probably be some strobes going on, and definitely a smoke machine, but wedding dance floors really need to be more like a shitty dance club. Sure, you might grind on grandma, but at least nobody will be able to tell it was you who accidentally elbowed a girl in the face while you were busting out your awesome karate moves.

6. Garter/Bouquet Toss - This may be my best idea, but I figured I would save my most awesome idea for the end. I don't know how the ladies feel about catching a bouquet, but it's pretty worthless. As a guy, I know that I have no interest in trying to catch a garter. I think it's more of a detriment. What? Am I going to be the asshole who puts it around my head? No, as I have stated many times, I'm classy. So for the ladies, we throw out the Twilight DVDs, because broads go crazy for that shit. Plus, even after they make like five of those movies, your max investment is $50. The ladies will be clawing at each other's hair to have Edwin, Roscoe, and Jameer (I'm not sure what their names are, but Edwin sounds right, and Jameer is probably the second best name for a black vampire, next to Blade) on DVD. Guys, don't worry about that stupid garter anymore, because instead, we'll have the groom throw out a $250 Best Buy gift card. There will be blood as people go for that thing which will honestly just bring even more excitement to the wedding.

7. Centerpieces - This idea is so brilliant, it hurts...hurts so good that is. Centerpieces really range from different glassy type deals to flowery type deals to sparkly type deals, and they all suck. Now imagine, sitting at your table, and coming across this beauty in the middle:
But it gets better, because we are definitely doing a whiskey chugging contest as the first table who can finish off their bottle (we could possibly go to two bottles if you want people to get really messed up) gets free open bar the rest of the night while the rest of the party just has the kegs to drink from. This prize really isn't all that great, but the fact that the winning table is known as winners the rest of the night will certainly help their chances with the ladies.

Also, with everybody starting the night off chugging whiskey, the party is sure to be off the chain, and that dance floor will be hoppin.

These ideas are just the tip of the iceberg as I have many more ideas floating around in my head. Feel free to contact me via Facebook or e-mail me at papalishus@hotmail.com if you would like me to plan your wedding.

-Joe

P.S. I was driving around the ABQ this weekend and have some bad news for my fans in Florida. If you were looking to get the customized license plate "Kegel", sorry, it's been taken.