I Love Not Making Decisions

I love not making decisions. Now, usually I'm a fairly decisive person, because decisions simply need to get made, but sometimes it is wonderful to just let go and have other people make decisions for you. I learned this when I went to Charlotte. Why Charlotte? Well, I didn't have a choice in the matter, because it was for work.

Since it was a work trip, my only free time was a lunch, a dinner, and a breakfast before everything else was pre-scheduled. Instead of going through the hassle of making decisions, I let the decisions be made for me, and it was phenomenal.

Since I was in the Carolinas, I figured I needed to have some barbecue. There was only local option that was within the hotel shuttle's one-mile radius, so I was headed to Midwood Smokehouse for lunch. I looked over the menu, humming and hawing, trying to come up with the perfect option. I was asked if I wanted a beer, and that sounded good, so I asked for a recommendation of a good, local IPA. The waiter brought me back my beer, and it was delicious. I would tell you the name of that beer, but I'm really bad at remembering what types of beer I've had.

I still had to work through the menu, but the waiter did mention that the special was a French dip sandwich made with beef brisket that sounded pretty good. When I asked him what side he'd recommend, he said the mac and cheese, so that was going to be my side. The ease that I felt in not making these decisions was extremely comforting.

And this comfort and lack of thought proved to be quite prescient as my meal was delicious. I started moaning as the mac and cheese mixed with the brisket in my mouth. I am not ashamed; no, I was quite proud, because this lack of decision turned out to be a great decision.

On my way to Midwood, the driver highly recommended a place called Viva Chicken that had Peruvian food. Since I'm a cultured individual, I do not fear adding a little culture to my trip. I went with a chicken combo and asked what their popular sides were, and they recommended the green beans and the sweet potato fries. Since I was just a passenger in this culinary vehicle, I let the driver guide my decision and enjoyed my ride.

And boy am I happy I did. It was another phenomenal meal. I ate the meal like a starving child, but I just couldn't stop stuffing this delicious food in my face. I let the world guide me, and the world did not let me down.

Finally, I went to the only breakfast spot near the hotel. After I was seated, the waitress asked me if I would like some blueberry grits. Well, shit, I hadn't really thought about it, but why not?

And guess what? They were delicious.

But then I made a mistake. I strayed from the plan. I went rogue and decided that I should have some pancakes. What made me do this? Well, I had gone for a run that morning, and my body craves sugar after a run, so I figured pancakes were a safe bet to get me there. The pancakes were fine, but the syrup was bland, so I didn't even get the sugar rush that I craved. I should have asked the waitress for her recommendation. Instead, I made a decision, and I failed.

But man, it was really great to not make decisions. I should really do that more often...or not. I haven't decided.

I Would Make Love To Mrs. Renfro

Mrs. Renfro may be the sexiest woman in the world. This, despite me never laying my eyes on anything more than a picture of her. But just a picture of her basically makes her the Sunny of my adulthood (although hopefully less racist). And even though I have never seen her flesh, I have tasted her, and oh my, her taste is impeccable. But enough buildup, feast your eyes on this beauty:

I don't know about you, but I'm all boned up over here.

But let's get down to brass tacks, Mrs. Renfro's Habanero Salsa is the hot sauce that I use for all of my Mexican needs and even some other needs like burgers or straight snacking. It's amazing. It's got a good kick to it without making you feel awful, and the taste is absolutely delicious. It's the only hot sauce worthy of my fantastic meals, and it's at least partially responsible for my wife agreeing to marry me.

But that's not her only amazing product, as the Ghost Pepper Nacho Cheese Sauce should be banned for being highly addictive. The only place I have found it is at a Fresh Market, and even then, they were sold out 2/3 of the time, so when I did see it in stock, I quickly made sure that they would be out of stock by the time I left. Imagine the best nacho cheese sauce you have ever had. Now add ghost peppers. That is what this sauce is. This is what the song Hurts So Good is about, as the taste is amazing, and that burn keeps you wanting more.

I have very strong feelings about Mrs. Renfro and their amazing products (They have tons of stuff, but the only other thing I have tried is the Ghost Pepper Salsa, which is also great). So Mrs. Renfro representative, feel free to leave a comment, hit me up on Twitter (@HottJoe) or email (uncensoredwriting@gmail.com) and bless me with some product or some sweet swag, as I will gladly wax poetically or become a walking billboard for Mrs. Renfro and her wide array of quality products.

I Can't Eat Fast Food

I am a cheap person. There are very few areas where I do not go for the cheapest option possible. The only areas that I don't are because of lessons I learned by being too cheap. This is a huge reason why I cook almost all of my meals. Normal adults go out for lunch during their work week. I have not bought lunch on a normal workday (travel sometimes requires it) in years. Now, these are not always gourmet homemade meals, as I have had to stoop to peanut butter sandwiches just to avoid purchasing a lunch. Typing this out does help me realize what a loser I am. But there is another reason that I make all of my own food.

Everything else fucks my stomach up.

I will occasionally fall into the fast food trap over the weekend, and it is always a bad idea. Chipotle, Papa John's, insert burger joint here; they all sound like good ideas at the time, but they mess my world up. It's stomach aches and farts for the next 24 hours. And yet I continue to make these same mistakes.

You know what sounds great every time I pass one or see an ad? Checkers. Checkers is garbage food, but I could easily go for some sort of burger with their delicious ass fries. God, my mouth is watering just thinking about it. But the gut bomb that eating that meal will cost me makes it totally not worth it...and yet I may still do it.

And even though I know fast food will wreck me, I will still purchase and consume it, because marketing works, and I believe that convenience now is a good trade-off for pain and misery later on in my day. I am a dumb human being and need to stick to my own meals. They're healthier and tastier, and yes, there is more work involved, but if you smelled my farts, you'd agree it's best for everyone.

The Worst Thing I Have Ever Seen

Tailgating may be my favorite activity. It is just so damn American. A grill with your choice of meats, being able to drink cheap beers (if you're drinking fancy beers, you're not doing it right; Natty Light or GTFO) during the daytime and have it be socially acceptable, and a sporting contest to top it all off. I mean, dang, is there anything that can compete with that? Tailgating is the best, and it has given me some of my fondest memories.

That is why this one moment will always stick out for me. It stands out as the worst thing I have ever seen, because it was awful on its own, but made worse by happening during something so wonderful.

My buddy had friends tailgating in a good lot, so we met up with them, and most of them seemed like fine people. People were drinking, and some had their parents joining in on the festivities. Now, as a seasoned tailgater, I'm a great believer in the practice of "Checking for CDs." This is a classic move to avoid the lines at the porta-potties where you open up a car door where you search for some fresh tunes to play, and if you happen to unzip your pants and piss by the car door, hey, that's cool too.

A tailgater was using this classic ploy to subtly take a piss by a car when the worst thing I have ever seen happened. Another college student saw this, and said he was going to get the cops. I thought he was joking. But nope, instead of letting it be, because that is what any normal human being would do, he yelled for a police officer to come over and arrest him. I stood there, dumbfounded, as the police obliged and gave the guy a ticket for public urination, which was an offense that became incredibly costly a year before that.

Things actually got worse from there. The guy who called over the police officer continued to lament about how offensive it was that this guy was taking a piss. His friends, instead of rightly calling him out for being a total piece of shit, agreed with him. Then our hero shared his fears by stating, "I mean, my Mom is here and could have seen that." Yes, folks, the "that" that he is referring to, is a penis. Male genitalia. Apparently, he had such little faith in his own Mother that he thought that just seeing a random dick would make her leave his Dad, and start rubbing and sucking that dick until completion. This is what a son thought about his mother.

This was probably seven years ago, and I still tighten up in my chest thinking about it. Why someone would cost someone $300 for peeing in a secluded part of the parking lot. The guy wasn't flashing his dick; he was just looking for some relief, and I honestly didn't even notice the guy until that idiot started ranting about needing justice before his Mom saw a penis and needed to have it.

It's one thing if somebody is flashing their dick or rubbing inappropriately on someone, but if someone is being discreet, show some courtesy and let them be. Tailgating is one of the greatest things about America; don't be a piece of shit and ruin it.

My Review of Hogan's Beach

So I recently moved about an hour away from Tampa. This meantthat there was one restaurant that was at the top of my list on places to go, Hogan's Beach. Although I'm not quite as proud to be a Hulkamaniac as I once was, Hulk Hogan was still instrumental in my childhood, and I still train and eat my vitamins every day (Yes, I know that I am also supposed to say my prayers, but two out of three ain't bad). Although it isn't quite the holy land, Hogan's Beach was a place I had to go. Also, I could use it to take the wife out for dinner, so win-win.

The first thing that surprised me is that it was actually impressive looking. It is a very large place, and it is right on the beach where you just walk down a few stairs from the restaurant and you can go swimming. They also had beach volleyball and a pretty big stage set up at all times. Unfortunately, when I actually arrived at the restaurant, I found out that valet parking is mandatory and costs $5. That's some bullshit, Hulk Hogan, and I was none too pleased about it as I have parked my own car thousands of times without fail.

They did partially make up for it as I spotted Jimmy Hart walking by immediately when we got in the door. I told my wife who it was before she could make a condescending remark about the tiny guy with the hair of a fun-loving grandma. I figured if Jimmy Hart was right near the door, who knew all of the wrestling greats I might run into. Could I be at a table next to Brian Knobbs? Maybe I could have a beer with Bushwhacker Luke. The possibilities seemed endless. Unfortunately, our run-in with greatness began and ended with the Mouth of the South.

We got a table outside and looked over the menu. I was pleasantly surprised with the varieties of beer they had on tap. They had ten different craft beers on tap, so I ordered a Long Hammer since it was from Seattle, and I lived in Seattle back in the day. Unfortunately, the waitress came back with my wife's drink and not mine. She informed me that they no longer had Long Hammer. I ordered another beer, and she quickly told me that they did not have that either, and that in fact, they only had three of the craft beers listed on the menu. That made my decision much easier, but it was a little disappointing.

Then it was time to figure out food. I quickly scanned the menu, and saw the Hogan Burger. Obviously, this was going to be my decision. My wife asked me if I liked fried egg on my burger. I told her I didn't know, but I was about to find out. I mean, if it's good enough for Hulk Hogan, it's good enough for me.

The food came out, and it was fine. The fried egg on the burger didn't add a ton, but it also didn't take away from the other flavors. The arugula and bacon lardons were the highlights, and the roasted tomatoes and black truffle mayo drifted into the background. The burger tasted like ground beef that had been cooked. So, yeah, the food was nothing spectacular.

I would have to say the biggest highlight were the two guys at the table next to us. They were drinking beers, sharing appetizers, and having shots of Fireball. They finished everything up, and the waitress asked if they wanted their check. These bros were shocked at the audacity of this waitress to see if they wanted their check. One bro replied, "Apparently you don't know us. We like to drink, so we're gonna be here for a while." The waitress, since she did not know them, she was only their waitress, was about to just say "Okay," but before she could, Bro 2 piped up and said, "Two more Miller Lites." Party hard, brosephs. Party hard.

After our meal, we checked out the memorabilia on display and the two biggest highlights were a vitamin bag that was the size of a large backpack and the Thunderlips robe from Rocky III. The latter alone makes it worth the trip.

So where does that leave us with Hogan's Beach? Well, in summary, it's a completely inoffensive tourist trap with some fun Hulk Hogan memorabilia on the wall. It's not good, it's not bad. it just is. I give it 12 inch biceps.

I Ate At Cook Out, And It Was Amazing

In November, I moved to Florida with my wife. A few weeks later, she forced me to drive to Ohio. I was not happy about this for a couple of reasons. I had just driven a 26 foot truck for 24 hours to move us down there, and I wasn't real keen on more driving. Second, it was nearly December, and I was not looking forward to going from sunny skies to bitter cold.

The drive wasn't so bad, as I caught up on some podcasts and learned some Spanish while on the road. The temperature was another story. It was pretty depressing when I saw the temperature had dropped 25 degrees before we had even got out of the state. It would drop another 40 degrees and give me a couple inches of snow before it was all said and done.

My wife visited friends both on the way up and on the way back, but I only had one request for this trip. We must go to Cook Out. Cook Out is a burger joint that are all over North Carolina and spreading to some surrounding states. I learned about Cook Out from Drew Magary's Deadspin article (and let's face it, this is just a ripoff of his work, as I will be recounting my own amazing experience with this place).

On the way up, we were unable to go as we got into North Carolina late and had to get back on the road early. I would not be denied on the way back.

So, blah blah blah, had Thanksgiving with the family, went to a wedding, danced my ass off, watched a variety of Iowa teams kick some ass, and throughout all of it, I had one thing on my mind: Cook Out. All of those things were great, but they paled in comparison to what was ahead.

I strategically planned our trip back to reach a Cook Out in Columbia, South Carolina around 12:30 where I knew my stomach would be growling and waiting to devour anything that was set in front of me. I saw the sign, and was unable to hide the smile across my face. As we pulled into the parking lot, I wanted to sprint out of the car and leave the wife behind. I controlled these animalistic instincts and did my best to hide my excitement.

When I walked through the door, playing it cool was thrown out the window. I know that I looked like a kid on Christmas. I stared up at that majestic menu, unsure of what I wanted to unwrap and put in my belly. I ordered a combo with one main dish, two sides, and a drink. I decided to get a double cheeseburger with everything but mayo. As sides, I got french fries and chicken nuggets. Yep, chicken nuggets as a side. Finally, I upgraded my drink to a Caramel Cheesecake Shake. All for about $6.

The gentleman behind the counter asked me if that was all, and I promptly replied that yes it was. It was at this point that my wife piped up and said, "Uh, I still need to order." "Oh yeah, go ahead honey." She ordered something too.

Then I (technically we) sat down and waited. They called my number, and I was nearly sweating with anticipation. I opened up my Styrofoam container to reveal so much food. The double cheeseburger was great. The fries were fantastic. The nuggets were delectable. The shake...oh, that shake. Words cannot describe it, because at this point, I was in an orgasmic haze of pure food joy.

I stopped speaking to my wife, outside of a thank you when she gave me a hush puppy. I'm not sure what she thought about her food, but there weren't any leftovers, so we both did pretty good that day.

Honestly, I wasn't too keen on the trip up for Thanksgiving, but that combo at Cook Out made it all worthwhile. So much so that I'm a little bummed out that we're not heading back up for Christmas.

The nearest Cook Out is in Statesboro, GA. I love you Cook Out and can't wait to see you again. According to Google Maps, that will be in 6 hours, 59 minutes. Oh, the things we do for love.

A Guide For Grooms: Wedding Planning

Throughout this entire wedding process, I have told anyone who would listen that, “I have been dreaming of this day since I was a wee little boy.” I will also randomly warn people that they better not ruin my special day. Sometimes people take me seriously, and that is awesome. In all reality, I only care about the following three things:

1. My bride.
2. My friends having a good time.
3. Food.

I know I should include family on there somewhere, but the place could burn down in the middle of the reception, and my Mom would still say it was one of the best parties she’s ever been to. She’s an incredibly positive person. Everybody else will fall in line.

Now you are going to have to put in some work on this thing, but there are ways to survive this process with minimal effort. Take easy jobs or things that you are interested in. Since I care about food, I told my lady that I would make the decision on that. I just made my decisions clear at the tasting, and boom, I figured out food, which is incredibly easy but still a really big part of the day.

Next, I care about my friends, so I made the decision on what we would wear. We got suits instead of tuxes, because they were just as cheap as a tux, and now they have a gray suit. My friends are happy with this arrangement, so that means we are good to go.

Other things that I helped on were transportation, music, and the honeymoon. Transportation and music, easy as shit. I highly recommend taking over those things, because you can knock them out in no time. On the honeymoon, don’t make the same mistake I did. We are traveling to five (six, if you count a 14 hour layover in Turkey) countries in Europe. That means a ton of travel, and a ton of different hotels. It was a lot of work, and that was a bad idea on my part. If you want to do something complicated, come up with the outline, and then help her plan it. What is probably easier is keep control of the honeymoon and just go one place. Finding one place to fly to and stay is a piece of cake, so do that instead.

After that, every decision is basically hers to make. The only problem with this is that she is still going to want your opinion. The key is to give her the right opinion.

One thing that has helped me is listening to my lady’s tone of voice to decide how I should respond to her. “What do you think of this?” seems like just one question, but she can ask it in a variety of ways, and I am forced to interpret what type of response she wants. In all reality, all she wants is for me to agree with her. It's almost always positive, so just responding with, "Looks great." is pretty safe. If she tricks you into liking something bad, just go, "Aww, geez, honey, you know me, I'm just a sloppy fella who don't know nothing about your high society ways." She'll call you an idiot, and you can move on.

What about when she gives you multiple options? This is one that I really pride myself on, because she wants an opinion. You can’t just say I don’t know and move on. You also can’t just say that they all look great. The reason she is asking is because she likes all of them. She has a favorite, but she is just using you to confirm her thoughts. So here’s what I do: I hem and haw as I look through the options, occasionally asking to see things multiple times. Finally, I pick out what I like with the caveat, “but I don’t have strong feelings one way or another; I think they all look great.” That way, I gave my opinion, but she can still feel good about ignoring it to do what she wants. Since I really don’t give a shit about any of it, this arrangement works perfect for both of us.

That’s really all there is to it. Take the easy stuff, and never offer a strong opinion on anything else. She'll be happy that you're involved, and since you're barely doing anything, you'll still have plenty of time to watch sports. Win-win.

Celebrity Wife Swap: Flair vs. Piper

So I watched Celebrity Wife Swap for the first time. obviously, as the title indicates, the only reason I watched it is that Ric Flair was swapping "wives" with "Rowdy" Roddy Piper. Something I learned is that Celebrity Wife Swap does a very poor job of making people care. Their intros and conclusions were both boring and left me wanting to change the channel. I was fully in with Piper and Flair, but this is not a show that hooks you in, because they managed to make those two seem boring with their intro. The best part of the intro was, "Ric has finally settled down with his girlfriend, Wendy." Dude's been married four times.

Piper really stole the show. The problem with Flair is that Ric Flair is always Ric Flair. Nothing anyone can say will surprise you, because it's all so predictable. Piper, on the other hand, is always great, because he's casually condescending. With Ric's wife saying she doesn't do any work, Piper just replies, "Well, isn't that nice?" He's a great human being. These following quotes are not funny quotes, but they had me laughing my ass off from Piper's delivery.

"Meatloaf is one of my favorites...it's not anymore."

"I've been here 20 years, I couldn't name you a restaurant."

"Shopping's not cool."

Also, on this episode, Flair's girlfriend made Piper take the family out shopping. They somehow spent $8795.00. Without buying a car, house, or mobile home (car and house), I don't have a clue of how I could spend that much money shopping. I'd have a goddamn heart attack.

Flair's old lady also made Piper take her out on a date. Piper wore his kilt on their fancy date. This man gives zero fucks. He's the best.

Piper also has electric bagpipes, because of course he does.

Let's quickly focus on the ladies involved in this episode. Flair's girlfriend seemed like somebody obsessed with money and didn't really seem to care about much else. She did not come across well. Piper's wife just seemed like a simple person who was happy with a simple life. That sentence sounds kind of demeaning, but it is not meant to be, as she, like her husband, came across as a real human being that people can relate to. They also showed Flair's first wife, and I have no idea whether she was ever attractive. She has had A LOT of work done, and she is now in that terrifying stage of life where she has a petrifying frozen face.

Ric Flair also had some memorable moments including his one rule, "We do what I want."

Ric Flair spends $100,000 on dinner every year. He has a $300 meal every night. Once I see a meal goes over $20, I start feeling ill. Flair also spends $50,000 on a housekeeper. Needless to say, I felt like I would have much more in common with Piper than I would with Flair.

And that is the big difference between these two. This show is made for Piper, because he's a real human being who's had success but just lives off of what he needs and hasn't really let anything change who he is. He is incredibly relateable. Flair, on the other hand, is Ric Flair. He's not a person; he's a caricature, but he's having a blast doing it so more power to him. But his lifestyle isn't something that normal human beings can do. Flair is great for being a limousine ridin', jet flyin', kiss stealin' wheelin' dealin' son of a gun. Piper is just great.

What Would It Take For You To Eat Poop?

This seems like a simple question. But this morning, I got to thinking about what it would take for me to eat poop.

Everyone's initial reaction is that I would do it for a million dollars, or whatever amount of money you want to throw out in order for you to take a taste of poo. But it would take a crazy person to offer money to watch somebody eat shit. And let's face it, this crazy person could find somebody to do it cheaper than you or I would. That means that you have to go to the trouble of finding something that separates you like wearing a diaper and a bonnet while eating poop. By the point you come up with your gimmick, you probably would be better just getting a normal job.

But then I got to thinking. I have my pre-workout supplements and my post-workout protein. Anytime I try a new product, I hate the taste of whatever I am trying. But, after a while, it grows on me, and by the time I am finished, I look forward to the taste and buy another container. The only thing that gets me to change is the price going up (so please don't raise your prices MusclePharm as I enjoy your wonderful products and would gladly have you sponsor this blog).

So, instead of money, let's say it had health benefits. I'm a healthy dude. I run, lift, and shoot hoops (poorly) every week. I'm also a competitive person. I trained MMA for six months despite never being in a fight in my life, just so I could walk around knowing that I would win most hypothetical fights (I'd still probably lose). Although I have never tried steroids, because they are illegal and expensive, I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought about trying steroids. There are steroids out there that will help you build muscle mass without lifting a weight. That is something I could get on board with, if it were legal and cheap.

So, that brings us full circle to poop. Fresh poop has a really offensive smell, and I am guessing that leads to an offensive taste. But if you let it dry out, it is not nearly as offensive as smell, and theoretically, not nearly as bad of a taste either. If I could take a bite of poop and have the same effects of a perfectly safe steroid, I would at least consider it. I'm sure I could get used to the flavor after a while.

So if eating poop turned me into a ripped machine, I'd definitely consider it. I can't imagine how many chicks that I would be able to get if I was bigger and badder than ever. I could pretty much have any woman I wanted, with the one caveat that I'd have to find girls who don't mind a guy's breath smelling like shit...maybe I should rethink this plan.

Dream Job

Anybody remember that show Dream Job on ESPN? That was a pretty cool show, and I tried out for it twice. The second year they had me in for a second interview after I completely dominated the debate part and followed it up by killing it on their 30 page questionnaire. Then they never had the season that I tried out for. That was a random tangent that has very little to do with what I am going to talk about today and that is my current dream job.

My current dream job is to become a garbage man. Currently, I have friends who work at the dump, but they aren't living the glamorous lifestyle that I would lead if I were a garbage man. First off, I would take everything back about twenty years. I don't want to be called a sanitation worker, and I also don't want a robotic claw to pick up the trash. I would also prefer that my neighborhood would have those classic metal garbage cans that they still use in wrestling matches.

For my attire, you better believe I wouldn't be wearing a shirt when I was working. I'd also probably compliment it with work boots and jean shorts, cutoffs of course. Looking at me normally seems like the epitome of badass, but me out in the blazing sun throwing garbage in the back of the truck shirtless would be sextasy for the ladies.

Next up, we would be in a rich neighborhood with great weather year round (that way, I'd never have to wear a shirt). Can you imagine what those housewives would do if they saw me and my boys throwing trash in the back of the truck and high-fiving like there's no tomorrow? I'd tell you what they'd do, they'd offer for us to come inside. They would say it was just to get us some lemonade since it's so hot out there, but I have a strong feeling that me in nothing but jean shorts and work boots would lead to too much sexual tension for them to resist.

Now sure, there would be those sticky situations where the husbands come home and come across the garbage man sans jean shorts and might get a little jealous. But then they'd realize that I was the garbage man, and they'd be cool with it. I imagine some of them would want to quit their high-paying Hollywood agent gig to join the crew. I'd tell him to start working on those abs and maybe we would consider him. After I put on my jean shorts, he'd probably high-five me too, because everybody loves the garbage man.

After that, I would meet up with my crew where we'd laugh about our sexual conquests. I'd hop on the back on the garbage truck as we rode into the sunset. Just another day in the life of the garbage man.

So yeah, that's my dream job.

-Joe

P.S. We'd probably eat something like this every day just to prove our manliness.

I Should Be A Wedding Planner

Being unemployed gives me a lot of time for brainstorming. Through these brainstorming sessions, I come up with some awesome ideas. My latest ideas are to improve everything about weddings. Weddings are a great time, you get drunk, party hard, and who knows where the night will end up? But there are many flaws with weddings and the receptions that follow. I will fix just about everything with the following ideas:

1. Wedding Attire - The suits and extravagant wedding dresses are so 1800s. You're not a debutante, so it's time to start breaking into the 21st Century. This is your special day, so you should make it as enjoyable as possible. What's more enjoyable than being comfortable? Nothing. That is why I propose that the groom wears gym shorts and a clean t-shirt (we're not going to allow people to be slobs), and brides can wear booty shorts and a tank top. I would prefer a pair of custom made booty shorts where instead of saying "Juicy" on the ass, it could say "Bride", "Taken", or "Official Bottom Bitch". I haven't decided what the bridesmaids should wear, but I think matching wife beaters for the groomsmen would add a level of class to the ceremony.

2. Decorations - There are so many flowers at weddings. You know what flowers do? They die. That's depressing a giant waste of cash. So I'm getting rid of all the flowers. Now, on a completely unrelated note (or is it?), do you ever get hungry during weddings? I know I sure do. So how can we come up with one solution for two problems? Boom, we decorate with food. Edible arrangements always does a nice job, but really, all you have to do is put different colored fruit together, and it will look nice. Plus, the fruit isn't going to die. It's going to be eaten. Once the bride walks down the aisle, those decorations are fair game for anyone to eat. You bet your ass I'm showing up on time to a wedding to make sure that I'm seated next to the most delicious edible decorations at the ceremony. Chocolate covered strawberries, delicious and nutritious (kind of).

3. Food - Honestly, wedding food is usually awesome. I have had some fantastic food, and there's really no need to mess with it. But with the addition of t-shirts instead of suits, ribs now become a much more viable option, just something to think about.

4. Wedding Cake - Wedding cake is way too fancy. Red velvet, buttercream, mocha? What the hell is that? There is no need to be fancy when you could simply be effective, and what cake does everyone love? Funfetti. From the holiest saints to the filthiest of scumbags, everybody loves funfetti. Why anyone would try to separate from this basic truth is beyond my comprehension.

5. Dance Floor - Everybody always feels awkward when they're the first people starting off the dancing at a wedding, so to help change that, we put the dance floor away from everything and make it pitch black where it is. There will probably be some strobes going on, and definitely a smoke machine, but wedding dance floors really need to be more like a shitty dance club. Sure, you might grind on grandma, but at least nobody will be able to tell it was you who accidentally elbowed a girl in the face while you were busting out your awesome karate moves.

6. Garter/Bouquet Toss - This may be my best idea, but I figured I would save my most awesome idea for the end. I don't know how the ladies feel about catching a bouquet, but it's pretty worthless. As a guy, I know that I have no interest in trying to catch a garter. I think it's more of a detriment. What? Am I going to be the asshole who puts it around my head? No, as I have stated many times, I'm classy. So for the ladies, we throw out...(realizes he knows nothing about women)...Twilight DVDs? Plus, even after they make like five of those movies, your max investment is $50. The ladies will be clawing at each other's hair to have Edwin, Roscoe, and Jameer (I'm not sure what their names are, but Edwin sounds right, and Jameer is probably the second best name for a black vampire, next to Blade) on DVD. Guys, don't worry about that stupid garter anymore, because instead, we'll have the groom throw out a $250 Best Buy gift card. There will be blood as people go for that thing which will honestly just bring even more excitement to the wedding.

7. Centerpieces - This idea is so brilliant, it hurts...hurts so good that is. Centerpieces really range from different glassy type deals to flowery type deals to sparkly type deals, and they all suck. Now imagine, sitting at your table, and coming across this beauty in the middle:
But it gets better, because we are definitely doing a whiskey chugging contest as the first table who can finish off their bottle (we could possibly go to two bottles if you want people to get really messed up) gets free open bar the rest of the night while the rest of the party just has the kegs to drink from. This prize really isn't all that great, but the fact that the winning table is known as winners the rest of the night will certainly help their chances with the ladies.

Also, with everybody starting the night off chugging whiskey, the party is sure to be off the chain, and that dance floor will be hoppin.

These ideas are just the tip of the iceberg as I have many more ideas floating around in my head. Feel free to contact me via Facebook or e-mail me at papalishus@hotmail.com if you would like me to plan your wedding.

-Joe

P.S. I was driving around the ABQ this weekend and have some bad news for my fans in Florida. If you were looking to get the customized license plate "Kegel", sorry, it's been taken.