Looking For Jobs on Craigslist

As I stated earlier this week, I moved from Iowa to Florida recently, and I am still looking for employment. Now, being unemployed and single is great, but being unemployed and married loses its luster pretty quickly. The whole "caring about someone and wanting to be somewhat useful in the relationship" makes the lack of a job a lot less hilarious. 

I have been searching all over for a job and still haven't nailed anything down. I decided to expand my search and go down a road that I was simply not ready for. Yes, I decided that the normal job sites were not fulfilling my needs, so it was time to search for jobs on Craigslist. I'm so glad I did. I found some great opportunities.

 Male Models needed for TOMORROW! (Miami)

Searching for male underwear models for an event TOMORROW. Model will wear underwear and a bowtie for the event passing out orderves to guests and taking photos. Event is from 7pm-9:30pm. Please submit CURRENT photos in the email with full name and clothing measurements including height, Client needs photos. MUST BE MUSCULAR!!

This one was eerie, as it was like they specifically wrote this job listing for me. I'm motivated to work soon, and this job is tomorrow (today, by the time this posts). Plus, I am always looking for new challenges. This job offers me a couple as I rarely wear underwear and never wear a bow tie. Finally, the last line, "MUST BE MUSCULAR." Yeah, that definitely won't be an issue. 

Only issue: They spelled hors d'oeuvres as orderves. If only you had spell check, you could have had your new employee of the month. 

Attractive Males needed for upcoming ADULT FILMS!

Recruiting GUYS for an Adult Website!

We only want to work with the best and our starting pay for male models is $2,000.00 for a solo production.

If you think you have what it takes, send your pictures (face and body, either shirtless and/or nude please), include a contact number and I will get back to you to discuss further details.

Models should:
-Have NO previous experience in the adult industry!
-Have six-pack abs
-Ages 18-35ish
-Have an athletic/muscular body
-Be very handsome
Before you email please make sure you read the list of requirements above. Yes six packs are required, yes you must show face. We do use stage names for all of our models. No resumes please. 

Ah, an attractive male is needed for an adult film. Getting two grand for a solo project doesn't sound too bad to me. This is another job that I am almost overqualified for. No experience in the adult industry, check. Six pack abs, I just hope I can fatten up so only six of my abs are showing. Athletic/muscular body, we went over that in the last post. And again, being very handsome may be difficult, as I'm usually referred to as extremely handsome. 

Now I'm guessing that most people believe the issue is that I must "show face," but I'd be happy to have my face on a film starring me. My only problem is that they use stage names for all of their models. Sorry, but I've got to keep my Hott Joe brand strong. A stage name simply won't due.

I kind of wanted to take this job just so I could finish up and say, "Two grand for this? You should see me at home; I do it for free." I bet everyone would have laughed really hard, and I probably would have started up a huge career as a comedy porn star.

Looking for straight males for video (North Dade)

I'm looking for open minded straight males who are in shape and under 30 years for a gay production, only serious replies please, if interested send stats and pictures to be contacted with more details

Uh, straight males for a gay production? You're not exactly making an appealing offer. I mean, you probably shouldn't discriminate against homosexuals if you want us all to have a gay old time. I mean. have you seen homosexuals? They're like the happiest people ever. Good luck, I guess.

And finally, the last job, which isn't a job at all, but may be the best thing ever.

 ARE YOU FIGHTING W/ YOUR SIBLING or PARENT? WANT "THE ROCK" TO HELP? (S. Florida )

Now Casting New Show w/ "The Rock".

Seeking family members who are in a big fight or misunderstanding and can't seem to reconcile on their own... we are here to lend a helping hand!!!!

Call 310-360-2580

OR submit your story here w/ photos and a contact phone number.

Must live in S. Florida

OH MY GOD! When I saw this, my initial thought was to immediately called my wife a bitch to try to start a fight (I decided against it). I know they are looking for problems with siblings or parents, but I'm willing to take a chance for a special episode and have The Rock save my marriage. Now, it may be insane that I would jeopardize my marriage to hang out with The Rock, which is exactly the reason I need to be on this show. I prioritize The Rock over my own wife. Please help me, The Rock. 

So, yeah, overall, it was a pretty successful day of job hunting. 

How Darren Young Came Out is More Important Than the What He Did

So Darren Young, WWE Superstar and one half of the Prime Time Players, came out of the closet and announced that he's gay. That alone is awesome. He felt comfortable enough in his work environment and to the world as a whole to come out of the closet. This is a very positive step for society as a whole. That news alone is very good. But how he did it makes it ten times better.
Somebody from TMZ asked him about whether an openly gay wrestler could survive in the WWE, and he just started laughing. He then casually states, "Look at me. I'm a WWE Superstar, and to be honest with you, I'm gay, and I'm happy." He came out to the world, and he really didn't give a shit about it. It is who he is, and it's not a big deal to him at all. Even when the reporter tries to make a big deal out of him coming out, he downplays it as it is not that big of a deal.

While the reporter is going through all of his questions, Darren Young is trying to get away. He's not trying to answer a bunch of questions, because he doesn't care. He announced that he's gay, and now all he wants to do is get in his car and go to the hotel. This is no big press conference, this wasn't even really thought about. Somebody just asked him a question about whether gay wrestlers could survive in the WWE, and he simply answered that he's living proof that they can.

Finally, the reporter asked him about being a role model to other homosexuals in helping them feel comfortable coming out, and he casually said that he would like to do that, but there was something special in his honesty. He didn't plan on answering that question, but at the same time, anything he can do to be a positive role model is important to him. Since none of this was planned, every answer is unscripted and casual, and that is what makes it so awesome.

There is no way something like this could have happened in the past. I wish that all gay athletes could feel comfortable enough to come out like this. Just, "Yep, I'm gay, I'm happy, and I hope everybody else feels comfortable doing what makes them happy too. Have a good night."

This is great news, and it really doesn't change anything for me in watching him. Bravo to Darren Young., and I hope you achieve your dream of, "MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, MILLIONS OF DOLLARS..."

Franklin & Bash Power Rankings: Week 4

No Suits this week, which means that this week is dedicated to the antics of Franklin and Bash. Honestly, Suits would have had to have had a strong performance, because there was some great lawyering on FandB. They started off trying different sexual positions in a mock airplane bathroom to prove that it is impossible for fat people to join the Mile High Club. Unfortunately, we are five episodes in and there has been zero hot tub scenes. For last week's rankings, click here. Without further adieu, here are this week's rankings for lawyers who play by their own rules.

1. Peter Bash - Bash is spitting game at his old lady, Janie, which clearly means that Cop Girlfriend was killed in the line of duty. Since these shows are a week apart, he probably mourned her for four days, and I know that doesn't sound like too long, but there were probably three epic parties in that four night span. He finally broke down and started playing Hall and Oates to seduce the ladies last week. Plus, he totally tricked "The Ice Queen" into revealing her relationship with the convict. Oh yeah, on top of that, he ended up "Bashing" Janie this week. That is the number one effort that we have been waiting for all season long from him. Nice job, Peter.

2. Black Gay Lawyer Guy - i know he lost the case, but let's look at this objectively. He is a black guy. On top of that, he is gay. He is a gay guy who plays sports. He is a minority on top of a minority on top of a minority. This may be the most progressive character in television history. On top of all of this, he made fun of Lance's gay manhood, because Lance could always get it up with the ladies. No trouble banging chicks? What a loser. As awesome as that was, my favorite line, by far, was "He doesn't love men; he just loves softball." He really thought that Lance had the following internal dialogue, "Man, I sure do love softball. If only they made softball for straight people. Welp, until that happens, guess I’ll just pretend to be gay, because that won’t affect my life at all. Coming out of the closet is super easy, and I will be able to play softball. Best plan ever." I really hope Adam Sandler does not read that last sentence, because he will definitely make a movie out of it.

3. Damien Karp - Lance broke his nose back in college. I swear there is a 16 year old writing for this show as Karp said, "You banged every 8, 9, 10 on campus." Grown ups don't talk like this. Something that bothers me about Infeld-Daniels is that nobody does any research on their own clients. Gay dude was married? WHAT!? That seems like simple information that you would find out along the way. Luckily, Lance was once in love with Karp, so they won the case despite having zero evidence. To end, I cannot believe that the writers of Franklin and Bash missed out on the most obvious joke ever. Lance said he wasn't into Karp, because he wasn't in shape. Karp responded that he has large internal organs. I was livid when Lance didn't respond with, "I'm only into guys with large external organs." Producers of Franklin and Bash, if you need to bring in a writer who will help you insert more penis jokes, I'm your man. 

4. Derek Kohler - You gotta be a lawyer to be a judge, so he makes the list for this week. Also, he is clearly a wise law dude as he immediately hired Franklin and Bash when he got arrested. He was framed, Franklin and Bash help him out, and then he is back to judging cases that Franklin and Bash are working on. Franklin and Bash are like, "Uh, dude, conflict of interest?" And he's all like, "No, it's cool, because you didn't file a motion to have me off the case." Meanwhile, prosecuting attorney (not shown) has to be thinking, "Uh, can I file to get you off this case, because you clearly love Franklin and Bash?" Luckily nobody cares what not shown lawyer dude/lady thinks.

5. Stanton Infeld - This was a weak episode for Infeld's blatant lies. My favorite was probably when he talked about his "polysexual awakening." He definitely just messed up on his words, meant "asexual awakening" and was just referring to the first time he masturbated. Infeld did make a jury question a man's gayness by mentioning Dancing with the Stars, Kathy Griffin, and the gayness of Yoga and Pilates. At first, I was kind of appalled at how offensive that is to the gay community, but actually sitting down and writing it makes me realize that it is so far beyond offensive that it is actually kind of enjoyable.

6. Jared Franklin -  Bash really carried the episode, and Franklin's rating suffered because of it. The only thing notable Jared did was getting scared by a convict. Ha, like convicts are dangerous. What a pussy.

7. Janie Ross - Janie fake seduced Peter to try to get what she wanted. Then she got herself Bashed. Sextivities. But seriously, she never wins a case. I can't believe that LA jails aren't completely empty with her as the prosecution. Think about that, she does nothing but lose, and she is still the highest rated lady on this list.

8. Margaret Pollack - The Ice Queen. She was totally trying to screw over the Judge for some dorky convict. Seriously, though, that guy was a total turd burglar. The Ice Queen was pretty hot. Couldn't she have gotten with a buff, badass, convict guy? Franklin and Bash Producers, if casting for a buff, badass dude, again, I am available.

9. Hanna Linden - The Cooper Test. They didn't know that Lance had a wife, but Hanna knew that he drove a Mini Cooper and likes both Bradley and Anderson Cooper. She did drop some deep knowledge on Karp, but she didn't do anything close to practicing law. This is still a huge step up from last week where her main objective was to fondle Pindar's hand.

10. Pindar Singh - Because I needed a tenth lawyer.

That's all for this week.