Thursday, January 3, 2013

The X12 Superhuman

Superheroes are very "in" right now. Every other month it seems there is another superhero movie coming out, and the trend does not appear to be slowing down. But superheroes aren't real. Nobody has these incredible physical gifts in the real world. At least that is what I thought. I recently learned about the X12 Superhuman, Craig. I want to be up front about something: I could easily have written a novel about the X12 Superhuman. Every word that he has written and every second of his videos could be turned into epic paragraphs. He's that amazing. Luckily for us, the first documented X12 Superhuman appears to be on our side. Here are just some of the ways he has used his superpowers:

I have used my superhuman abilities to save a 2 year old child from running into the streets busy motor traffic,... 
This man is both faster and stronger than a baby. Plus he outsmarted the baby during that babies suicide attempt. Give this man a medal.

I have pushed dialed cars that ran out of gas into gas stations, and I have pushed cars that stalled out of flooded streets on to higher ground. 
I have pushed cars before, and they are heavy, but I have never pushed a dialed car. I don't know what a dialed car is, but I'm guessing it's heavier than shit.

I called the police to get a crazy man off the freeway that was throwing himself in front of oncoming 60 MPH freeway traffic.
So this one doesn't seem like a superpower at first, but what he doesn't explain is that he didn't use a phone. He just yelled SUPER loud for the police to come. I'm glad this guy is on our side.

Need proof that Craig is a superhuman? Think of the best person at some sort of physical feat. They have trained their entire lives to be as great as possible. Unfortunately, Craig is better than them, a lot better. Usain Bolt is recognized as the fastest man alive, and he goes approximately 27 miles per hour. That's incredibly fast. I have trouble fathoming ever running that fast. Unfortunately for Usain, Craig goes 37 miles per hour. Don't believe me, check it out for yourself:

Yeah, I bet you feel like an asshole now. Oh, and I suppose that this is as good of time as any to mention that Craig is 260 pounds. He's not even built like a sprinter, but then you see that cheetah go, and only one word comes to mind, "Wow."

The X12 Superhuman has an entire page dedicated to the Metro Bus drivers of Houston. Why, you ask? Because Craig likes to do his sprints on the street, so he does not steamroll pedestrians while running faster than Usain Bolt. His warnings for the bus mention that they should not run him over, but his main warning is that they should not pass him, because the speed limit is 30 MPH, so they would HAVE to exceed the speed limit in order to pass him.

I am definitely having my doubts about this super speed, so I just wish he had some way to document that he is, in fact, faster than traffic...wait, what's that? He has a video of that exact thing. Well, let's check it out:

I'll let Craig explain this one in his own words:

See how quick I took off when I had the Walk light sign, and the automobile had the green light? Even 20 feet after the 40 yard mark at the last orange cone (140 feet from the start), the automobile traffic didn't catch up with me, and that car behind me had that engine reved up high if you hear that highly reved up engine when that car came close to the camera. 

That car had their engine going full blast, but it still wasn't enough for the X12 Superhuman. I know I was having trouble contemplating how fast Craig really is. I mean, these types of speeds are undocumented up until the X12 Superhuman, so what does this all mean? Craig does a great job of explaining it:

I am faster than the fastest crackhead running from the fastest police. Even if the fastest crackhead is running naked on the streets just to cut down on weight in order to run faster from the police, I still faster than the fastest crackhead running from the fastest police.

Holy shit, that's fast. I mean, being faster than the fastest crackhead is impressive, but being faster than that crackhead when he is naked. That's even faster.

Are you still not convinced? Fine, just take a look at this:
That gray hair is darker near the root, proving that he is getting younger. And if that isn't enough, here's a real world example that proves that he is not a normal man:

A person asked my age, and I told him my age, and then he told me that I look 10 years younger than my age.

CHECK...MATE. The man looks ten years younger than he should. Let's just take a random age, and do a quick hypothetical experiment. Think of an nine-year-old. Have you ever confused a nine-year-old with an unborn fetus? No, because those nine-year-olds are normal human beings and do not look TEN years younger than their actual age.

If that isn't enough, how about this experiment?

I cut my center finger on my left hand with an unsterilized knife to show you how fast I heal up, and no over the counter or prescription antibiotics were used, I just only wash my hands with soap and water.

Why was the knife unsterilized? I have no idea, but check out this video. It's scary to see these Wolverine-like healing powers in real life:

By Day 7, the wound had VANISHED. Not even Criss Angel could pull off that kind of magic.

With all of these superpowers, we need to get Craig to procreate, so we can have an army of crime fighting superhumans. Unfortunately, with his super strength and super speed, it can be difficult to find a lady.

Many women are afraid of me, but I tell those women this, only the criminals need to be afraid of me, and she doesn't have to worry about me using my superhuman abilities to make unwanted advancement on them... 
Craig is a gentleman, so no need to worry ladies. But it may be hard to get a date when he is sprinting 37 MPH past you. Still, when ladies witness this physical masterpiece, it's tough to blame them for letting their carnal instincts take over.

it's aways the opposite with me that most women are more aggressive toward me than I am toward them.
It's no wonder that the ladies find him irresistible. Craig, the first ever X12 Superhuman, is doing things that scientists never thought possible. He breaks boards, he sprints faster cars (as long as they do not exceed the speed limit), and he heals at a rate never seen before. My advice to the ladies out there who want to experience an X12 Superhuman for themselves is wait for him to be walking instead of sprinting. He has walked at a pace of 17 MPH at the mall, but maybe you can find him on a slow day.

Good luck, ladies. And godspeed Craig, you are an inspiration to all of us.

4 comments:

  1. Take a look at the X12 at this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ziDAV2dOT8k

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    1. Wow! That is impressive. No normal human could do that.

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  2. Replies
    1. Agree to disagree, Pieter. Craig is awesome at everything.

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