I've been having old Nitros playing in the background while I'm reading and writing, and occasionally something will catch my eye. One of these things was the debut of the Nitro Girls, but it was not for the obvious reasons. The Nitro Girls came along in 1997, which meant I was 13 years old at the time. This was an age where I started liking girls, but I would never outwardly admit that I liked girls (Note: This stage lasted about a decade). Hence, I was a big Kimberly fan, but as a 13 year old, I would have only described her looks as "Nice body, good hooters." Those words still ring true today, but as I started watching, I realized that Kimberly Page can't dance. Instead of just stating this with no proof, I'm going to break down the video evidence.
She's not that great on the microphone either, but I'm sure that she's happy that she no longer has to be The Booty Babe and hang out with Hulk Hogan's weird hot dog friend. But dancing wasn't really her strength as one of the first moves of the dance routine already made her look like she was moving in slow motion (and also not correctly).
She has no clue what is going on, and this wasn't the only slip up. She is very clearly trying to watch the girl next to her for clues on what she is supposed to be doing.
Literally, any time they brought up the level to professional dancer speed, poor Kim was just lost.
At least here she knows she's behind and tries to cut some corners, but if you're not going to do it right, you shouldn't be doing it at all. Straight arms, Kimmy.
Well, at least, she can throw her hands up, right?
Eh, I guess a shoulder shrug works just as well.
This usually wouldn't bother me. I mean, although I am an aficionado of West Coast Dance, I understand that anyone can have an off night. But this was their debut. This was their make or break moment, and Kimberly went out there and shit the bed repeatedly. On a lot of these moves, it's clear that she's not just slow, but she simply doesn't know the routine. This is unacceptable, and although she was the leader, I'd like to believe the Nitro Girls were a Cheerocracy and not a Cheertatorship. The latter is the only reason she could have stuck around, as any great squad knows that you're only as good as the weakest link.
Kimberly was the weakest link; it's just a shame that the Nitro Girls didn't say "Goodbye."
Through the Bears first three picks, I thought the Bears were having an okay draft. I wasn't particularly excited, but I understood the logic behind the picks, as they were more necessary than they were sexy. In the fourth round, I started to swear off the Bears. They drafted running back, Jeremy Langford, out of Michigan State. This tweet summed up my feelings pretty well:
Stupid pick by the Bears. a total non-need, and not the best RB available, not even the best RB available in his own conference (David Cobb)
The Bears had made me angry yet again. But I needed to calm down and see what the Bears actually got in Langford. I knew that although I watched a lot of B1G football, I may have underrated him since Michigan State did not play Iowa this year, so I didn't get a comprehensive look at him. Now it is time to right this wrong and watch his games against Purdue and Baylor to see if Langford is secretly B1G Todd Gurley (Spoiler alert: He's not).
The good news is he appears to be a patient runner who knows how to follow his blocks. He doesn't just run as hard as he can into a pile when a little patience might allow something bigger to open up. I will say that the patience isn't always a good thing, as he sometimes gets caught just tiptoeing around and is an easy tackle instead of attacking. He can wait to a fault, where he has to learn in the NFL, he is going to have lane one or a cutback lane; lane three is closed for repair.
Because of this dancing around in the backfield, he often doesn't generate much power in his runs, so he often gets driven backwards when tackled instead of falling forward for extra yards.
Another positive is that he has impressive speed when he gets into the open field. This run against Purdue is a good example of that.
He gets the outside, easily breaks the tackle from the defensive back, and then puts on the burners as he goes down the sideline. This makes sense as his 40 time was one of the best in this draft class. Unfortunately, his ability to cut and accelerate is pretty unimpressive as he was very poor in the shuttle and 3-cone drill. I think those latter drills are far more important for running backs where quickness is more important than speed.
I mean, if he plays Purdue every game, he should have an incredibly successful career. Is that possible? It's not? Oh. Well, then things may be slightly more difficult. I don't see a lead back in Langford, but I do think he could be a solid backup. Langford just simply doesn't impress me. On talent alone, it is not a good pick. Considering it was the fourth round, in this loaded draft of running backs, with David Cobb still available, when the Bears were fine at running back but have nothing but holes on defense, this was a very bad pick. I just don't get it.
But the other day, I was notified that someone had posted a comment on that article. Craig M had posted this message, "Take a look at the X12 at this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ziDAV2dOT8k." What was so odd about this was that Craig Morrow is the human name of the X12 Superhuman. It couldn't possibly be him, could it?
After further investigation, I found his profile picture on Google+ (the official social media website of superhumans).
There is no doubt; that is definitely Craig Morrow, waiting to crush his latest opponent, a random piece of plywood.
But why would Craig send me a YouTube link? Did he want me to see videos of the pickup artists on Keys to the VIP? Did he want to share his Brony lifestyle with some My Little Pony videos? But then I clicked on the link, and it was clear that he was showing his latest conquest, because only a physical specimen like myself could fully appreciate his athletic prowess. Without further adieu, I present to you this amazing video:
Holy shit! It's tough to describe how amazing this is, so I'll let Craig's description explain it:
Watch this video of 260lb (118 kilograms) X12 running 18 yards (16.45 meters) from start with a 30 MPH (48.3 KPH) cruising 18 wheeler truck with a radar gun on that vehicle. The X12 was matching the speed of that 18 wheeler around those 6 cones close together while that radar gun measuring the speed of that 18 wheeler, and not the X12's speed. Notice those cones up front are 1 yard (0.9144 meter) apart, and the cone in the background is 5 yards (4.57 meters) from that last cone of those 6 cones close together. There is a fence behind the camera the X12 had to crash into, and the X12 had to brake after passing those cones in that video. Video Recorded On November 20, 2013 By Craig AKA The X12 An Experimental Highspeed Superhuman Of The X12 Superhuman Field Test.
The man crashed into a fence racing a semi. What a boss. Clearly, that fence now has a 260 pound hole in it.
Anyway, it looks like the age old debate is settled. Two legs are better than 18 wheels. God bless you, X12 Superhuman.
Superheroes are very "in" right now. Every other month it seems there is another superhero movie coming out, and the trend does not appear to be slowing down. But superheroes aren't real. Nobody has these incredible physical gifts in the real world. At least that is what I thought. I recently learned about the X12 Superhuman, Craig. I want to be up front about something: I could easily have written a novel about the X12 Superhuman. Every word that he has written and every second of his videos could be turned into epic paragraphs. He's that amazing. Luckily for us, the first documented X12 Superhuman appears to be on our side. Here are just some of the ways he has used his superpowers:
I have used my superhuman abilities to save a 2 year old child from running into the streets busy motor traffic,...
This man is both faster and stronger than a baby. Plus he outsmarted the baby during that babies suicide attempt. Give this man a medal. I have pushed dialed cars that ran out of gas into gas stations, and I have pushed cars that stalled out of flooded streets on to higher ground.
I have pushed cars before, and they are heavy, but I have never pushed a dialed car. I don't know what a dialed car is, but I'm guessing it's heavier than shit. I called the police to get a crazy man off the freeway that was throwing himself in front of oncoming 60 MPH freeway traffic.
So this one doesn't seem like a superpower at first, but what he doesn't explain is that he didn't use a phone. He just yelled SUPER loud for the police to come. I'm glad this guy is on our side.
Need proof that Craig is a superhuman? Think of the best person at some sort of physical feat. They have trained their entire lives to be as great as possible. Unfortunately, Craig is better than them, a lot better. Usain Bolt is recognized as the fastest man alive, and he goes approximately 27 miles per hour. That's incredibly fast. I have trouble fathoming ever running that fast. Unfortunately for Usain, Craig goes 37 miles per hour. Don't believe me, check it out for yourself:
Yeah, I bet you feel like an asshole now. Oh, and I suppose that this is as good of time as any to mention that Craig is 260 pounds. He's not even built like a sprinter, but then you see that cheetah go, and only one word comes to mind, "Wow."
The X12 Superhuman has an entire page dedicated to the Metro Bus drivers of Houston. Why, you ask? Because Craig likes to do his sprints on the street, so he does not steamroll pedestrians while running faster than Usain Bolt. His warnings for the bus mention that they should not run him over, but his main warning is that they should not pass him, because the speed limit is 30 MPH, so they would HAVE to exceed the speed limit in order to pass him.
I am definitely having my doubts about this super speed, so I just wish he had some way to document that he is, in fact, faster than traffic...wait, what's that? He has a video of that exact thing. Well, let's check it out:
I'll let Craig explain this one in his own words:
See how quick I took off when I had the Walk light sign, and the automobile had the green light? Even 20 feet after the 40 yard mark at the last orange cone (140 feet from the start), the automobile traffic didn't catch up with me, and that car behind me had that engine reved up high if you hear that highly reved up engine when that car came close to the camera.
That car had their engine going full blast, but it still wasn't enough for the X12 Superhuman. I know I was having trouble contemplating how fast Craig really is. I mean, these types of speeds are undocumented up until the X12 Superhuman, so what does this all mean? Craig does a great job of explaining it:
I am faster than the fastest crackhead running from the fastest police. Even if the fastest crackhead is running naked on the streets just to cut down on weight in order to run faster from the police, I still faster than the fastest crackhead running from the fastest police.
Holy shit, that's fast. I mean, being faster than the fastest crackhead is impressive, but being faster than that crackhead when he is naked. That's even faster.
Are you still not convinced? Fine, just take a look at this:
That gray hair is darker near the root, proving that he is getting younger. And if that isn't enough, here's a real world example that proves that he is not a normal man:
A person asked my age, and I told him my age, and then he told me that I look 10 years younger than my age.
CHECK...MATE. The man looks ten years younger than he should. Let's just take a random age, and do a quick hypothetical experiment. Think of an nine-year-old. Have you ever confused a nine-year-old with an unborn fetus? No, because those nine-year-olds are normal human beings and do not look TEN years younger than their actual age.
If that isn't enough, how about this experiment?
I cut my center finger on my left hand with an unsterilized knife to show you how fast I heal up, and no over the counter or prescription antibiotics were used, I just only wash my hands with soap and water.
Why was the knife unsterilized? I have no idea, but check out this video. It's scary to see these Wolverine-like healing powers in real life:
By Day 7, the wound had VANISHED. Not even Criss Angel could pull off that kind of magic.
With all of these superpowers, we need to get Craig to procreate, so we can have an army of crime fighting superhumans. Unfortunately, with his super strength and super speed, it can be difficult to find a lady.
Many women are afraid of me, but I tell those women this, only the criminals need to be afraid of me, and she doesn't have to worry about me using my superhuman abilities to make unwanted advancement on them...
Craig is a gentleman, so no need to worry ladies. But it may be hard to get a date when he is sprinting 37 MPH past you. Still, when ladies witness this physical masterpiece, it's tough to blame them for letting their carnal instincts take over.
it's aways the opposite with me that most women are more aggressive toward me than I am toward them.
It's no wonder that the ladies find him irresistible. Craig, the first ever X12 Superhuman, is doing things that scientists never thought possible. He breaks boards, he sprints faster cars (as long as they do not exceed the speed limit), and he heals at a rate never seen before. My advice to the ladies out there who want to experience an X12 Superhuman for themselves is wait for him to be walking instead of sprinting. He has walked at a pace of 17 MPH at the mall, but maybe you can find him on a slow day.
Good luck, ladies. And godspeed Craig, you are an inspiration to all of us.
