The X12 Superhuman

Superheroes are very "in" right now. Every other month it seems there is another superhero movie coming out, and the trend does not appear to be slowing down. But superheroes aren't real. Nobody has these incredible physical gifts in the real world. At least that is what I thought. I recently learned about the X12 Superhuman, Craig. I want to be up front about something: I could easily have written a novel about the X12 Superhuman. Every word that he has written and every second of his videos could be turned into epic paragraphs. He's that amazing. Luckily for us, the first documented X12 Superhuman appears to be on our side. Here are just some of the ways he has used his superpowers:

I have used my superhuman abilities to save a 2 year old child from running into the streets busy motor traffic,... 
This man is both faster and stronger than a baby. Plus he outsmarted the baby during that babies suicide attempt. Give this man a medal.

I have pushed dialed cars that ran out of gas into gas stations, and I have pushed cars that stalled out of flooded streets on to higher ground. 
I have pushed cars before, and they are heavy, but I have never pushed a dialed car. I don't know what a dialed car is, but I'm guessing it's heavier than shit.

I called the police to get a crazy man off the freeway that was throwing himself in front of oncoming 60 MPH freeway traffic.
So this one doesn't seem like a superpower at first, but what he doesn't explain is that he didn't use a phone. He just yelled SUPER loud for the police to come. I'm glad this guy is on our side.

Need proof that Craig is a superhuman? Think of the best person at some sort of physical feat. They have trained their entire lives to be as great as possible. Unfortunately, Craig is better than them, a lot better. Usain Bolt is recognized as the fastest man alive, and he goes approximately 27 miles per hour. That's incredibly fast. I have trouble fathoming ever running that fast. Unfortunately for Usain, Craig goes 37 miles per hour. Don't believe me, check it out for yourself:

Yeah, I bet you feel like an asshole now. Oh, and I suppose that this is as good of time as any to mention that Craig is 260 pounds. He's not even built like a sprinter, but then you see that cheetah go, and only one word comes to mind, "Wow."

The X12 Superhuman has an entire page dedicated to the Metro Bus drivers of Houston. Why, you ask? Because Craig likes to do his sprints on the street, so he does not steamroll pedestrians while running faster than Usain Bolt. His warnings for the bus mention that they should not run him over, but his main warning is that they should not pass him, because the speed limit is 30 MPH, so they would HAVE to exceed the speed limit in order to pass him.

I am definitely having my doubts about this super speed, so I just wish he had some way to document that he is, in fact, faster than traffic...wait, what's that? He has a video of that exact thing. Well, let's check it out:

I'll let Craig explain this one in his own words:

See how quick I took off when I had the Walk light sign, and the automobile had the green light? Even 20 feet after the 40 yard mark at the last orange cone (140 feet from the start), the automobile traffic didn't catch up with me, and that car behind me had that engine reved up high if you hear that highly reved up engine when that car came close to the camera. 

That car had their engine going full blast, but it still wasn't enough for the X12 Superhuman. I know I was having trouble contemplating how fast Craig really is. I mean, these types of speeds are undocumented up until the X12 Superhuman, so what does this all mean? Craig does a great job of explaining it:

I am faster than the fastest crackhead running from the fastest police. Even if the fastest crackhead is running naked on the streets just to cut down on weight in order to run faster from the police, I still faster than the fastest crackhead running from the fastest police.

Holy shit, that's fast. I mean, being faster than the fastest crackhead is impressive, but being faster than that crackhead when he is naked. That's even faster.

Are you still not convinced? Fine, just take a look at this:

That gray hair is darker near the root, proving that he is getting younger. And if that isn't enough, here's a real world example that proves that he is not a normal man:

A person asked my age, and I told him my age, and then he told me that I look 10 years younger than my age.

CHECK...MATE. The man looks ten years younger than he should. Let's just take a random age, and do a quick hypothetical experiment. Think of an nine-year-old. Have you ever confused a nine-year-old with an unborn fetus? No, because those nine-year-olds are normal human beings and do not look TEN years younger than their actual age.

If that isn't enough, how about this experiment?

I cut my center finger on my left hand with an unsterilized knife to show you how fast I heal up, and no over the counter or prescription antibiotics were used, I just only wash my hands with soap and water.

Why was the knife unsterilized? I have no idea, but check out this video. It's scary to see these Wolverine-like healing powers in real life:

By Day 7, the wound had VANISHED. Not even Criss Angel could pull off that kind of magic.

With all of these superpowers, we need to get Craig to procreate, so we can have an army of crime fighting superhumans. Unfortunately, with his super strength and super speed, it can be difficult to find a lady.

Many women are afraid of me, but I tell those women this, only the criminals need to be afraid of me, and she doesn't have to worry about me using my superhuman abilities to make unwanted advancement on them... 
Craig is a gentleman, so no need to worry ladies. But it may be hard to get a date when he is sprinting 37 MPH past you. Still, when ladies witness this physical masterpiece, it's tough to blame them for letting their carnal instincts take over.

it's aways the opposite with me that most women are more aggressive toward me than I am toward them.
It's no wonder that the ladies find him irresistible. Craig, the first ever X12 Superhuman, is doing things that scientists never thought possible. He breaks boards, he sprints faster cars (as long as they do not exceed the speed limit), and he heals at a rate never seen before. My advice to the ladies out there who want to experience an X12 Superhuman for themselves is wait for him to be walking instead of sprinting. He has walked at a pace of 17 MPH at the mall, but maybe you can find him on a slow day.

Good luck, ladies. And godspeed Craig, you are an inspiration to all of us.

15 Steps To Running Like A Pimp

So I try to convince most people that I run in the winter because I need to keep my top notch cardio.  That's only partially true.  Although staying in shape is part of the reason, it's definitely only a secondary reason at best.  My primary rule to running like a pimp is to satisfy my own vanity, because I love me some me.  Although Jay-Z may think that pimpin' ain't easy, a true pimp like myself never sweats it.  Let me take you through all of the steps I go through in order to maximize my swagger while running.

1.  Take a Dump - It doesn't matter if I feel absolutely nothing deep in my bowels, I sit on the can until I can squeeze something out.  This is a necessity, because if I don't do this, I will have to poop within five minutes of my run beginning, and that is the worst.  How does this relate to my vanity?  Not only do I feel sexier after I get that out of my system, but I also get rid of any bloatedness, making me look extra fit.  I know most of the ladies out there are thinking that I always look perfect, but this just helps me reach a higher level of perfection.

Poo

2.  Get Naked - A lot of people may strip down to their underwear before they put on their running clothes, but since I rarely wear underwear, I strip completely nude.  This is the first, but certainly not the last, that I check myself out in the mirror.  And trust me ladies, it's miraculous.

3.  Boxer Briefs  (Old School) - I first put on an old (and very tight) pair of white boxer briefs.  I want to use an old pair, because there's no need to dirty up a good pair of underwear for a run.  Sure some of them have holes in them, but the tightness keeps me snug and stops me from bouncing around.  This is very crucial for a run.  It's also a great time to check myself out in the mirror, as the white boxer briefs accentuate my gorgeous...skin.

4.  Spandex Pants - Now it's time for my black Under Armour spandex pants.  I usually give a good flex here, as the pants help accentuate my v-shape upper body.  Plus, the spandex makes my naturally great looking legs really pop in the mirror.  It's a sight to behold.

5.  Starter Dry-Fit - It's just like Under Armour only extremely thin.  It's not the best for keeping a person warm, but it is great for making my muscles pop.  At this point, I embody the athletic ideal.  I have the legs of a black man, and the heart of a scrappy white guy.  This is when the sight of my jacked bod gets me pumped for the upcoming run.

6.  Outer Underwear - I put on an extra pair of outer underwear, because, quite honestly, sometimes my junk gets cold, and this prevents that.  Cold junk is the worst.  I'll admit to having cold junk on a secluded bike trail and finding the only cure sticking my hand down my own pants as I run.  I'm not proud of this, but I'm also not ashamed.  It's never for pleasure, just for dong survival. A true pimp always takes care of his number one guy.

Now with this outer underwear, I've tried bright pairs so I could look like a superhero, but this plan was a total failure.  It turns out I just look mentally challenged.  This is the one step where I do not look at myself in the mirror.

7.  Shorts - I can basically use any pair that isn't black, because I like to contrast my pants and shirt so I really pop when I'm out on the streets.  It's also a tad depressing, because my vanity really starts going downhill after the Starter dry-fit. 

8.  Under Armour - Some would say I use it because I need the warmth, but moreso, I wear it, because I can't fight the urge to protect this house.  Click clack bitches.

9.  Bright T-shirt - Because I pop, and I don't stop.

10.  Socks - I hate wearing socks, but they are a necessity in this weather, so I figure I might as well go all out.  I wear an obnoxious pair of bright green rugby socks.  And for the record, I did not buy a pair of green rugby socks, I earned them by playing on a rugby team back in the day.  This is my final look in the mirror.

11.  Heavy Stretching - My stretching puts a heavy emphasis on my groin and hips.  My groin can get tight on me, so I do that for my pleasure.  I stretch my hips, because ladies love a man with loose hips.  And trust me, when I'm done, I'm like Shakira; my hips don't lie.

12.  Shoes - This is where I could say something clever like:  I like my shoes how I like my women - tied up with little circulation.  But it seems like a lot of work to tie up women, and it's not like any girl would be crazy enough to pass up an opportunity at this so it's not a necessity.  Anyway, what was I talking about again?  Oh yeah, shoes.  Yeah, I got a pair of running shoes, and they treat me well.  I prefer a double knot to keep it tight.

13.  Headband and Gloves - Yes, I love headbands.  They are awesome.  And I am cool enough to pull the look off.  And the gloves, well, they keep my hands warm.  There's really no other explanation needed on those.

14.  iPod - There's two different directions you can go with your music.  For the most part, I go with pump up music.  Hatebreed is ideal, and even though it's easy listening in comparison, Metallica has treated me well lately.  Sometimes, you can just go into complete zone out and listen to chill music, but that's much tougher to do in the winter time, and for amateurs, I recommend sticking with the hardcore stuff.

15.  Just Run - A lot of people like to set out distances when they run.  A true pimp doesn't need a distance.  A true pimp doesn't need a path.  A true pimp just runs.  If you don't know where you're going, that's a good way to get some place you've never been.  Sure, sometimes this leads to me accidentally going 20 miles, but usually it just means that I go for a relaxing run where I don't need to think about the running, I can just enjoy the moment.  

You see, a true pimp like myself doesn't always need the company of a woman.  I can just love me some me.  After that, the ladies will follow my lead.

Now that's big pimpin.

-Joe

P.S.  Warning:  Running like a pimp will cause women (and some men) to both hoot and holler at you.  If you're not prepared for this kind of attention, do not follow these instructions.  Many of the ladies will find you irresistible even before you run your pickup gambits on them. 

P.P.S.  To run like a pimp in the summertime, just pop your shirt off and enjoy the attention.

P.P.P.S.  Speaking of pimps, Shonn Greene is another true pimp.  Sure his run to ice the game was great, but he could have easily been called for multiple excessive celebration penalties after the touchdown.  Not only did he take a nap on the ball, but he, and all his teammates flew around like Jets in the endzone.  That's another example of big pimpin.