Tuesday, August 6, 2013

I'll Poop Anywhere

I poop. I am very open about this, and it sometimes shocks people. If I am at my house with company over, and I am feeling the urge, I will still grab my computer, so everybody KNOWS what I am doing in the bathroom. I simply don't give a shit when it comes to pooping (Hey-o!).

But this extends far beyond the comfort of my own home. When I had a job (unemployed but still getting paid, like a boss), I used to love pooping during work. I was getting paid to sit there and take a dump; it was a wonderful thing, and it's not like my boss could tell me not to poop. Also, if they would have told me to speed it up in there, I would have made sure it was far more awkward for them than it was for me.

What got me thinking about this is that I have done a lot of traveling lately, and I have pooped in places that most people would find disgusting. Since I have been traveling, I have also been drinking, because what's the point of going places if you don't get drunk enough to not remember things? During drinking, I am fine, but that next day can lead to some interesting things going on near my butthole.

In Seattle, I actually drank responsibly but went for a run the next day. Runs get my bowels moving, and although I went for my standard pre-run poop, I still felt some rumbling when I was near home, so I found a park bathroom and took care of business in there. I did feel kind of bad when the guy came in and started cleaning the bathroom while I was stinking up the place, but he's gotta know that people need to get their shit on at 7:30 AM.

The next weekend I was in San Francisco. I drank heavily on Friday night, but I did the responsible thing and went for a run the next morning. I felt a rumbling in my gut again, so I again went to some public bathroom by the Golden Gate Bridge. I was quite alarmed when I went in there as I saw about 50 pubes on the toilet seat. I went to wipe them off, but then just realized that somebody carved their name into the toilet seat, so the pube crisis was avoided. I finished up my business and had a very pleasant run back.

Finally, this weekend, I was driving back from Minneapolis when we stopped at an Arby's to get some lunch. I didn't have to poop bad, but I knew I was going to be dropping some serious farts if I didn't take care of business. I wiped the toilet seat, so I didn't sit in urine and took care of everything.

Some people find these situations to be disgusting, but I am living the dream. I'll poop anywhere, and you should too. Join me in not worrying about where you leave your excrement. Let loose once in a while; you won't regret it, because I don't give a shit, I leave them...all over this great country's toilets.

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