5-Star Hotels Are Overrated

For my job, I have to travel once to twice a month, and because of that, I stay at fancy hotels that I would never consider if I were paying for it. This sounds like I'm living that baller lifestyle, but trust me, the only reason I'm there is because the fancy people I have to deal with need to be at fancy places. But after going to some of these things, I have to admit that I don't really get what makes a 5-star hotel so great.

I've stayed in a few of these places, and there really isn't many meaningful differences. They have a lot of meeting space, which doesn't really matter to me if I'm just randomly selecting a hotel. They have a relatively nice bar and restaurant, but I'd still rather go to a real restaurant or bar to get a little culture in my life. I mean, I guess their staff dresses nicer than the people at the Red Roof Inn, but I'm a big believer in comfort over style, so I side with Red Roof on this one.

As for the rooms, they're clean, but it's not like I'm staying in a Penthouse Suite. It's about the same size as other rooms. The bed is relatively comfortable, but not so comfortable that I actually get a good night's sleep, because I simply don't sleep in hotels very well. It is a flat screen TV as opposed to an old box TV, but I can't imagine that's the only thing that makes a 5-star hotel, especially since the last one I stayed in didn't even have HBO working in my room.

The one thing that did stand out is excellent water pressure. I would have said good water pressure with the shower as it had a good stream blasting me, but that was nothing compared to the toilet. That toilet had enough pressure to swallow a damn basketball. It was damn impressive.

But are hotels strictly based off of their toilet strength? Common sense would say no, but I really can't think of any other advantage that the fancy hotels have. So, I guess I'll stay in a 5-star hotel if I murder someone with my killer crossover game and need to get rid of the evidence. Otherwise, I'll probably just go with the cheap option and double flush my poops.

I Know Nothing About Pregnancy

Okay, so I don't know nothing about pregnancy. I mean, I understand how it happens. It's the classic tale of a man and woman fall in love with each other, and then a stork comes by and has sex with the woman with its magical baby-yielding powers. That part is simple.

But everything else? I don't have a clue. You should also know that I did zero research on the topic, so I could stay as ignorant as possible. These are my thoughts on pregnancy.

To start off, like, ladies go into labor. What does that really mean? Like, the baby doesn't just start coming out at the beginning of labor, so what even constitutes going into labor?

Their water breaks. All I know is that when I've seen that happen in sitcoms, ladies act like they just peed their pants really bad and then a baby comes out like 30 seconds later. I assume it is not that easy. Also, my mind was blown when I found out ladies can go into labor before their water breaks. Is everything I have seen on TV a lie?

And real talk, I feel embarrassed about this, but how do babies breathe in there? I know they went over this in Sex Ed, but I cannot remember how that worked. I thought they had a tube that got them air somehow, but I'm pretty sure there is just the tube into their stomach area, but maybe that provides food and air. Maybe babies can breathe in mucus until they actually emerge from the womb. The latter is starting to sound right to me. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I just made babies sound like mermaids/mermen, and I'm not sure if I want to put my full weight behind that theory.

Oh shit, that reminds me about the best pregnancy story I ever heard. This lady at work said her daughter was going to the bathroom and bam, a baby popped out, and she didn't even know she was pregnant. She was super happy about being a grandparent, so good for her, but this is not a story I would tell all of my coworkers. Also, this story threw my mind for a loop, because of this next part, which I do not understand at all.

How in the blue hell does a baby come out of a woman? Like, seriously. I know ladies complain about this and how tough they are, but the physics of it all makes no sense to me. I get that mammals do this, but I haven't seen animals of any kind produce a spawn, and my brain cannot fathom how this could possibly work.

Oh, and this is a major deal in today's society with shitloads of technology. How did any lady survive this?

Think about it historically. Imagine giving birth to something. Your only reaction had to be What...The...Fuck. This mucusy monster just exited a hole that was not big enough for it to exit out of, and it starts crying like a butthole (crying is good, right? I think crying is good, but again, I know so little that it may be the opposite). The umbilical cord means it is still attached to your insides, right? I don't know about you, but if I were a woman with this thing that came out of me that still had a cord attached to my insides, I would not want that cord cut. That may be my lifeline. Who knows how important that cord might be? Bravo to the first lady who is like, "Fuck it, cut the cord," because there is no way she knew that she would survive. And she did survive. She must have felt like Dalton after ripping out a man's throat; at worst she felt at least as good as the bad guy in Road House after he fucked guys like Dalton in prison. It's a truly badass maneuver.

Anyway pregnancy sounds really messed up, and God and/or Science is way messed up for designing things like that.

Oh yeah, and shoutout to my sister for going through this mysterious journey and producing a baby boy.

I Hate That Bathroom Attendants Exist

I am not a fan of bathroom attendants. Maybe it is my blue collar mentality that I, a fully functional adult, can wash my hands without anyone's help, and that I don't feel like paying for the privilege of someone else doing the job for me. I was reminded of this fact when I went to some hip bar for young go-getters and had to relieve myself. 

I walked into the bathroom, and this guy is just propped up sitting on a ledge across from the urinals. I'm not gonna lie, I get stage fright at times, no shame in that, so I go into a stall and lock the damn door, because it's super weird that this dude is posted up staring at the urinals. It also gave me a moment to privately ponder bathroom attendants. 

The part that I hate most about bathroom attendants is that the job of a bathroom attendant even exists. I have no issue with the people who do it, as hey, they're making a living. But I cannot imagine anybody just doing it for extra cash, because it seems like a truly awful job. You know there are times where he is just sitting in there and listening to somebody take an awful beer shit. Sure, he's got things to spray, but you can't fully cover up that smell when it is fresh. The only positive of the gig is I'm sure you hear some hilarious drunken bro conversations going on about how they are going to punish, beat up, assault, and bazooka with their dong a lady's private parts. Still, there is no way that makes up for spending an entire night in a bathroom helping people freshen up so they can impress their chosen late-night target.

Anyway, I see this guy, and I just get bummed. He's making a living, so good for him, but I have no intention of paying him anything, because I have a wife which means I already impressed my chosen target. I try to quickly go to the sink and take care of business, but he pops up and gives me soap and puts a paper towel over my shoulder, and I give him a genuine thank you, as I appreciate him doing good work, but it is not work I am willing to pay for. 

Because, come on. Not only can I wash my hands myself, I prefer to wash my hands myself. In fact, if there is a bathroom attendant in there, I would say I am at least 50% less likely to wash my hands at all just so I don't have to deal with the awkward interaction. 

And really, is that so gross? As long as I'm not getting splashback, all I'm doing is touching my dick with my hands. My hands are WAY dirtier than my dick is. If anything, I should be washing my dick. 

Come to think of it, THAT is a service I would pay for.

I'll Poop Anywhere

I poop. I am very open about this, and it sometimes shocks people. If I am at my house with company over, and I am feeling the urge, I will still grab my computer, so everybody KNOWS what I am doing in the bathroom. I simply don't give a shit when it comes to pooping (Hey-o!).

But this extends far beyond the comfort of my own home. When I had a job (unemployed but still getting paid, like a boss), I used to love pooping during work. I was getting paid to sit there and take a dump; it was a wonderful thing, and it's not like my boss could tell me not to poop. Also, if they would have told me to speed it up in there, I would have made sure it was far more awkward for them than it was for me.

What got me thinking about this is that I have done a lot of traveling lately, and I have pooped in places that most people would find disgusting. Since I have been traveling, I have also been drinking, because what's the point of going places if you don't get drunk enough to not remember things? During drinking, I am fine, but that next day can lead to some interesting things going on near my butthole.

In Seattle, I actually drank responsibly but went for a run the next day. Runs get my bowels moving, and although I went for my standard pre-run poop, I still felt some rumbling when I was near home, so I found a park bathroom and took care of business in there. I did feel kind of bad when the guy came in and started cleaning the bathroom while I was stinking up the place, but he's gotta know that people need to get their shit on at 7:30 AM.

The next weekend I was in San Francisco. I drank heavily on Friday night, but I did the responsible thing and went for a run the next morning. I felt a rumbling in my gut again, so I again went to some public bathroom by the Golden Gate Bridge. I was quite alarmed when I went in there as I saw about 50 pubes on the toilet seat. I went to wipe them off, but then just realized that somebody carved their name into the toilet seat, so the pube crisis was avoided. I finished up my business and had a very pleasant run back.

Finally, this weekend, I was driving back from Minneapolis when we stopped at an Arby's to get some lunch. I didn't have to poop bad, but I knew I was going to be dropping some serious farts if I didn't take care of business. I wiped the toilet seat, so I didn't sit in urine and took care of everything.

Some people find these situations to be disgusting, but I am living the dream. I'll poop anywhere, and you should too. Join me in not worrying about where you leave your excrement. Let loose once in a while; you won't regret it, because I don't give a shit, I leave them...all over this great country's toilets.

It's The Shit: Three Keys to a Successful Poop

Sorry Michael Jordan and Sam Perkins.  Today, We're Talking About Number Two.

 

Although I am a very spry 26 years young; I am wise beyond my years.  That is why I know the ins and outs of something that people overlook yet do at least once a day (twice a day for me since I have a healthy amount of fiber in my diet).  Yes, pooping.  It has a lot of gross connotations, but it's something natural, and as you'll find out, if done properly, it can be a beautiful experience.  Here are the keys to turning your experience from shitty to asstastic.

1.  Location -  Now most people would have you believe that going home is clearly the best possible location to take care of your business.  These are obviously simpletons who can't see the big picture.  Does your home have some advantages?  Of course it does, familiarity will always have value when you are feeling vulnerable.  But for those who are bold, that live their life a quarter mile at a time, there is a far better location to drop a deuce.  That place is work.  Think about this:  When you poop during work, you are getting paid to poop.  Paid to poop?  God Bless America.  So sit back, relax, and count that scrilla, because it's always best to take care of your business during business hours.

2.  Amenities - This is a huge mistake that most people make when taking a dump.  They go to the bathroom empty handed.  When I took care of my business at work, I made no secret about it.  I would stroll through the office with a book in my hand and my iPod bumping tunes in my ears as I headed to the private toilet of the visiting coaching staff (yes, Ryne Sandberg and I have used the same shitter).  I was not ashamed of what I was doing, and I knew that amenities can help take your poop to the next level.  Why sit there, drop waste, while your life wastes away when you can seize the day?  I seized it real good.  I would jam out to my favorite tunes and knock out a chapter of whatever book I was reading at the time.  A few years ago, I remember returning home for the first time in months and being ecstatic at my Dad's latest construction project.  He had mounted a TV by the toilet so you'd never have to miss a moment of your favorite show or sporting event while you went to the can.  That's great hustle right there.  So, whatever your vice is, whether it's music, books, or TV, bring it with you when you doodoo.  But I must warn everyone, your ass will occasionally go numb if you sit there too long.  It's a small price to pay when you pimp your poop.

3.  Toilet Paper - Somehow a necessity for number two is often overlooked, but do not underestimate its importance.  Good toilet paper is like oral sex.  Sure, at first, any toilet paper will do, you're just happy to have it there.  But then you use Charmin Ultra, and it is a whole new experience.  You honestly sit there and hope that it never ends, maybe even using techniques to prolong the experience.  After that, well, the rough toilet paper just doesn't do it for you anymore.  You go from appreciating it to loathing it.  When I see that economy sized, thin and rough, sorry excuse for toilet paper, I swallow hard, and yes, I use it, but something that should be pleasant can actually be painful.  It's terrible that something that should feel so right can go so wrong.  So remember, soft and gentle is much better than rough and teethy.

So make sure that your pooping experience is the shit; otherwise, you're just a piece of it.

-Joe

P.S.  I'm sure some of you nerds were probably out drinking on Saturday night.  Me?  Hell no, I was watching fights, football, and most importantly, the Bulls/Rockets game.  For those that didn't see it, here is the end of regulation from that game:

And yes, the Bulls won in overtime.  Derrick Rose is really good at basketball.