Monday, June 29, 2015

Which Dungeon of Doom Member Sucked The Most Ass?

Every video of WCW is the crown jewel of the WWE Network. I seriously cannot stress this enough. I've been going through early episodes of Nitro and reliving the golden era of the Dungeon of Doom, and man, they are terrible. Like, seriously, they suck so hard. I have been internalizing these thoughts, but it's time to really go through and answer the question that has plagued mankind for 20 years, which Dungeon of Doom member sucked the most ass?

Now you may think you know just off the top of your head who sucked the most ass in the Dungeon of Doom. You're probably thinking The Shark, but you are so off base. The Shark isn't even in the top half of sucking ass when it comes to the Dungeon. Now, don't get me wrong, The Shark definitely sucked ass, but that just shows the level of ass sucking that the Dungeon of Doom was able to achieve. Let's get to the list.

21. Meng
Meng would rip my eye out and feed it to me if I told him he sucked ass, so Meng, you definitely don't suck ass. You are terrifying and wonderful.

20. Lex Luger
Somehow, Lex Luger's short run with the Dungeon of Doom spawned the greatest Lex Luger ever, and that should never stop being appreciated.

19. Big Van Vader
Vader was in this for a short time, and he was out before it got really stupid. Also, Vader is awesome, and the WWE should have used him better.

18. The Giant
Yeah, he really didn't suck ass at all. He was actually pretty great right from the beginning. He was a super athletic giant dude who was actually strong enough to pull off legitimate chokeslams. I feel like The Giant/Big Show is one of the most underrated wrestlers ever. He has gotten stuck doing some goofy bullshit over the years, but even while he was doing it; if a week later he came out and was a dominant monster, I would totally believe it. But he definitely should have stuck with the chokeslam; bragging about learning "punch" is not that impressive.

17. Konnan
You may think this is a controversial selection for member who sucked the least ass, but just here me out. This was a stable made up of mythical creatures that would terrify their opponents. What was Konnan's mythical gimmick? Ah, you see, he was just a Mexican, which made him the scariest member of all. Honestly, most of WCW's southeastern fan base was more likely to bump into a Yeti than a real-life Mexican gangster.

16. The Shark
Just the fact that The Shark was one of the guys who sucked the least ass shows you how awful the rest of the Dungeon of Doom truly was. But I can't be mad at Earthquake dressed up as a shark, which really just meant that he wore some shark facepaint.

15. Kamala
Kamala was a guy who once he turned into a face, he could never be an effective heel again. Because he was portrayed as a dummy who finally learned how to be good, so once he turned heel again, it was just because he didn't know any better as opposed to wanting to do evil. I can't have any ill will towards Kamala, especially because of his sultry voice...

so it's no wonder he couldn't ever really get heat, which I guess made him a reasonable member of the Dungeon of Doom.

14. The Taskmaster
This is one of the toughest guys to figure out, despite him being the face of the Dungeon of Doom for their entire existence. Like, clearly, he sucked some ass, but looking back, he kind of had some moments of brilliance. He was smart enough to just get giant dudes to throw at Hogan while avoiding a confrontation himself for as long as he possibly could. But man, the Dungeon of Doom was around for a really long time, and they completely stopped making sense once the nWo hit, but they still stuck around for another six months. They talked about change for their entire existence, but all they did was lose, everything stayed the same, and they kept going back to the same talking points. Basically, The Taskmaster was miniaturized Bray Wyatt. You always think there could be more, but they never seem to show it, and it's an endless cycle of sucking ass.

13. The Barbarian
Pretty cool name, but he just kind of existed. I'm sure you could convince a lot of people The Barbarian was The Warlord. Overall, Barbarian seemed to only exist to give Meng a friend. Aw, shit, he's friends with Meng? Barbarian, you're a total badass; ignore your spot on this list.

12. Loch Ness
Loch Ness was a guy near the end of his career, so despite being gigantic, he really couldn't move all that much, which made him fit in perfectly with most of the guys in the Dungeon of Doom. At their core, hey were just a bunch of giant, sometimes mythical creatures that had taken human form. On top of that, shortly after his debut, he was diagnosed with cancer and died a couple years later. He is a guy who got his chance in the US about ten years too late. If he comes in ten years earlier, he's at least having a Big John Studd career, but it wasn't meant to be, and honestly, those types of stories really suck ass.

11. One Man Gang
He was big, but even though he was One Man Gang for most of his career, I have very little memories of anything he did as OMG. I will always remember him as Akeem "The African Dream." As a child, I remember thinking he was just a light-skinned black guy, because that's basically what the WWE told me. Wrestling could have convinced me of anything, and I would have taken it as the gospel truth. I was a very stupid child (shockingly, I'm also a stupid adult).

10. Jimmy Hart
By all accounts, Jimmy Hart seems like a super positive guy who nobody has anything bad to say about. Also, he wrote Shawn Michaels's theme music, so he will always hold a special place in my heart. That being said, he sucked so much ass as a member of the Dungeon of Doom. He managed them and outlawyered Hulk Hogan to get The Giant the title, but he never fit in with the Dungeon of Doom. It's not like he was going to grab an omelette at the Waffle House with Kamala and Hugh Morrus. Hart's greatest strength is hype man, but hyping up doom and gloom just never works. So he jumped around and occasionally used his megaphone, but there was nothing that said Doom about Jimmy Hart.

9. Big Bubba Rogers
Big Bubba Rogers is Big Bossman adjace. Big Bossman was kind of cool. Big Bubba Rogers was not cool at all. Also, not totally sure what he was doing hanging out with The Dungeon of Doom. Like, I can't see him, Z-Gangsta, Konnan, and The Yeti sitting around and doing doomy stuff together. Big Bossman is at his best when he is dragging around other wrestler's dead father's caskets. Big Bossman is at his worst when he's Big Bubba Rogers.

8. The Master
The Master gave orders to The Taskmaster, which just kind of undercut the powers of The Taskmaster. Then The Master disappeared, and we were left with The Taskmaster, and things kind of kept existing, but they weren't able to enter their strange realm that Hulk Hogan once wandered into when he took a wrong turn at the mall. I feel like there should have been other means to that end, but the Dungeon couldn't figure it out.

7. Z-Gangsta
He should probably be higher since he couldn't wrestle to save his life, but I have a soft spot for the co-star of No Holds Barred, so although his wrestling skills sucked ass, he lead to a lot of joy in my life.

6. The Yeti
He was the co-star of Hulk Hogan's first sex tape and never managed to do anything else. I always thought El Gigante could have done more. There is nobody that almost got pushed to incredibly high lengths for a company to decide it was a bad idea and immediately bury the guy. This happened with every single gimmick that he had. This was actually Ron Reis, but the main point remains the same, a there is just no recovering from being a part of the Dungeon of Doom (thanks to @JonahDrama for pointing out my stupidity).

5. The Final Ultimate Solution
Yep, in 1996, WCW was so brain dead that they named a wrestler The Final Solution. Needless to say, Jewish people, and honestly, people in general, found the name to be in poor taste. There's nothing really wrong with the wrestler, he looked like a classic Strongman but never really did anything important, since WCW definitely wanted him to fade away quickly after the naming gaffe. He died about a year after his run in WCW, which gives him something in common with about half of the guys about the Dungeon of Doom. But credit to the Dungeon that someone who reminds people of the Holocaust only ranks fifth on sucking the most ass.

4. Maxx
Max Muscle was too terrible to hang out with early era DDP, so he became Max and joined the Dungeon of Doom. He did nothing of consequence, so I can't put him too high, but it was just a case of, "This guy has nothing to do...put him in the Dungeon of Doom?" Unfortunately the equation of Maxx + Dungeon + ???? = Money did not come to fruition.

3. Braun The Leprechaun
Braun The Leprechaun was basically Giant Hornswoggle. Somehow, that only sucks enough ass to be #3 on this list.

2. Hugh Morrus
Hugh Morrus really sucked ass. I mean, did anybody like Morrus? He was walking around a Riddler singlet, and he was just a fat guy. He jumped off the top rope, but that may be his only redeemable quality. With a name like Hugh Morrus, you would have expected him to be super clever. Yet, not only can I not remember him cutting a promo, YouTube can't even remember him cutting a promo. The only thing "humorous" was that he had a high pitch laugh. That's it. What was your favorite Hugh Morrus match? I think my favorite was the time he beat someone that mattered. Wait, that never happened? I guess I don't have a favorite Hugh Morrus match, because he sucked ass.

1. The Zodiac
God, Zodiac was such shit. I would guess that he was named after the Zodiac Killer, but the Zodiac Killer looked like a sociopathic nerd, which is way more terrifying than it sounds. The Zodiac looked like Brutus The Barber Beefcake with a spiky hairdo. Yeah, not as scary. But, gosh darnit, Brother Bruti was Hogan's friend, and Ed Leslie was going to keep getting roles in pro wrestling because of it. Honestly, good for him. I'm a lifelong Hulkamaniac, and all I've gotten from Hogan is a picture and an autograph, and even that didn't come cheap. But out of all of his gimmicks, Zodiac was the worst. It was the most ass-sucky gimmick in the Dungeon of Doom, and after looking at each guy, that is definitely saying something.

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