The Comprehensive History of the APA

Thanks to reader, Lukewarm Jonah, for the suggestion on writing about the APA. He mentioned that he wasn't talking about that writing shit, but when I hear APA, the Acolytes Protection Agency will always be the first thing that comes to mind. The APA is a very interesting WWE team, as they are still beloved, despite neither guy being near his peak during their time as a member of the APA. Ron Simmons/Farooq was far more influential in the WCW and during his time leading the Nation of Domination. Meanwhile, Bradshaw would become JBL and be a consistent World Heavyweight Title Champion and contender. But still, they drank beer, cussed, and gambled, and those activities will always be cool in pro wrestling. Before we get there, let's look at how these guys came together.

It all started with The Undertaker and Paul Bearer creating the Ministry of Darkness. Bradshaw and Farooq joined up as Hell's Henchmen. They quickly became The Acolytes when their manager, The Jackyl, left the WWE. Their first order of business was adding some weight behind the Ministry. 

With the help of Phineas I. Godwinn (Mideon), they abduct a 600 pound Mabel, who would later become Viscera, and be as successful in that role as he was in all of his others (not very).

The Acolytes would go on to win the tag team titles a couple times, and that's all well and good. But wrestling will never be what they were remembered for, they were the best bodyguards (sorry, Diesel) in WWE history. 

These guys split from the Ministry of Darkness to do their own thing. It gave them more time to kick ass and drink beer. Still, they valued one thing even more than beer, and that was money. But it took them a while to change from a tag team to an official protection agency. Luckily, the Mean Street Posse needed help, and they found the perfect guys for the job.

My favorite part of that video is that they are playing gin. That is the ultimate Grandma card game.

Now, as a professional protection agency, they needed to hone their skills. A lot of people may try to do this at a dojo or mixed martial arts gym, but the APA knew the kind of fights they were going to get into, so they trained where the fights were happening, the bars. 

Bradshaw doesn't care if you're the state's arm wrestling champion, and neither him or Farooq care if they are outnumbered. As long as they strike first, they are going to win the fight. Here, they beat the crap out of a bunch of posers from Rhode Island. They leave without a scratch on them. This would not be the last time that they fought in a bar, and by a bar, I mean it won't be the last time that they fought in this very bar. This would help them when the WWE had bar room brawls where they not only had to fight but drink excessively as well.

Still, business was not as booming as they had hoped, so they did what any good business would do and produce a top-notch commercial.

Not many protection agencies will be paid in beer and cigars, but that's what made the APA such great business men. They were willing to think outside the box. One of their downfalls in business was that they were sitting there but let their answering machine take the call. If you want beer, you gotta answer the phone. Also, guys, you have a drawer for Zima but not Natty Light, that's suspect planning on your part.

They did try to get clever with what APA could stand for, and, um, that didn't work out too well.

Yeah, there is no way to construe that as anything but the advertisement for a successful gay bar. The WWE could have been really progressive and made them two badass gays who did not fit into typical stereotypes, but this is the WWE, so there was no way of that happening.

Still, it was clear that these guys had their shit together, so it was no surprise that other WWE Superstars wanted to be like the APA.

Here are the six best things about that video.
6. Brian Kendrick has clearly never been around a drunk person.
5. Farooq insisting that drinking alcohol is the only way to make it.
4. Bradshaw claiming that Brian Kendrick had a malignant case of dumbass.
3. That door.
2. Bradshaw saying that Britney Spears kissing Jenna Jameson would be hot.
1. Farooq responding that Britney Spears is a virgin.

This video should be shown in schools to help future generations became awesome.

The APA also helped get over one of the simplest, yet memorable, catchphrases in WWE history.

DAMN.

In the end, these guys were more than hired hands to take care of dirty work. They were friends, and that is the element of the APA we can never forget. The only people they cared about were the people with the biggest paychecks. The only exceptions were each other. And if there's one thing friends know how to do, it's throw a party.

Yes, the APA may have closed their doors, but the memories, much like their friendship, will live on forever.

A Guide For Grooms: Dealing with Bridezilla

Okay, was my bride a Bridezilla? No, not really at all. She only got mad at me twice throughout the whole week, and considering how big of an idiot I am, especially with my idiot friends around, that’s a hell of an accomplishment. We did really well throughout the entire week. I asked her what she wanted me to do, and I did it without any complaints. I am a giant pussy when it comes to heights, but my lady said that she wanted me to repeatedly climb a ladder and hang things from the ceiling, and I said okay while only thinking about falling and breaking my arm from the moment I took my first step on the ladder until both feet had finally gotten back to the ground. Still, I did it, and even if I fell, I would have been fine, as I have seen dozens of WWE ladder matches.

The first thing you need to do is pay attention to your bride. That seems simple enough, but I managed to forget it. Whoops. She gave me the simple task of getting all of my groomsmen on our bus to go to the hotel to get ready for pictures. I did this with no issues, but I made the mistake of not thinking about anything else. We were drinking on the bus and having a great old time. Unfortunately, I forgot that she was probably going to need help hauling some things on the bus. I see her carrying a ton of bags right after she got her hair done while trying to keep an umbrella over her head since it was raining. She was not pleased, so I gave her a little space and finished my beer quietly in the back of the bus. That was my bad.

You know all those sayings about how communication is key. Yeah, it’s true. And for the wedding weekend, you definitely want to overcommunicate. I thought I did a pretty good job of communicating with my wife and doing the rounds with her so I could meet a bunch of people that I would immediately forget. Once I got done with those rounds, I figured I was good to go. If I would have just asked her about things, she would have told me that there were a few other pictures she wanted, but I didn’t do that. I disappeared from my own wedding. Once was completely justified, because I took a monster dump in a bathroom. When I exited the stall, I saw a groomsman and a husband of a bridesmaid. We laughed and high-fived about the damage I did. This is a situation where it is fine to not check in with your bride. However, shortly after that, I decided to smoke cigars that my uncle brought with all of my groomsmen which meant that I left the reception hall to go outside. She of course wanted to find me for a picture with a group of approximately 50 people and had no clue where I was. She finally found me, and brought me up to the picture where everyone was already waiting. The combination of me disappearing and reeking of cigar smoke was not a combination that put a smile on my lady’s face. This was also my bad.

But both times, she let me know that she was displeased, I apologized, and she let it go in about 15 minutes. So learn from my mistakes and make sure that you pay attention to your bride and communicate with her. Life will be much happier for the both of you.