Ahmed Johnson: What Is There To Say?

Ahmed Johnson was my jam as a child. I was a big fan of muscular dudes, and especially liked guys with face paint or minorities. Had Great Muta been more muscular, he probably would have been my favorite wrestler of all time. But Ahmed Johnson still fit nicely within that niche.

Because of that, in my draft folder, I have had a post with Ahmed Johnson's name on it and not much else. I know there is something to be said about Ahmed Johnson, but I'm not exactly sure what I should be focusing on.

I could focus on his physique as he was a giant black man, and he was incredibly over during his WWE career. Every time the dude showed up, people got jacked up about his presence. He really didn't do much outside of being big and strong, but that was enough. He seemed destined for stardom based strictly on aesthetic appeal, but it never came together.

I guess I could talk about why it didn't come together. Ah yes, injuries. This is a guy who was always pushed pretty hard; he never seemed to take clean losses, but it only got him as far as the Intercontinental Title, which he had to relinquish immediately because he got injured. Ahmed Johnson had an athletic build, but he never really looked athletic. Everything seemed strained, and despite the million dollar exterior, the interior never held up to get him that World Title push.

I could talk about his time in the Nation of Domination, but it is literally the most forgettable thing out there. It could have been a really important thing of African American performers banding together as they felt the establishment was holding them down, but they didn't push Farooq into the title and things kind of had to go in a different direction. They turned on Ahmed Johnson, and Ahmed went right back to fighting against the Nation of Domination like he didn't just say they made some good points a few weeks earlier. But don't worry about the Nation; they ended up finding a rather charismatic superstar to replace Ahmed Johnson (Hint: he has the same last name).

I could talk about his run in WCW as Big T, but I think we should forget everything that led Booker T to become Booker to become GI Bro. 

I could talk about his promos, but what can you really say about this?

See, there's nothing to really say about that. And, here's another promo:

Okay, you got me. I have some thoughts on this. There is simply no way to listen to this promo and not think that Stone Cold Steve Austin sexually assaulted Ahmed Johnson. I mean, Ahmed gets mad at Stone Cold for entering the zone, which he later clarifies as his zone, and then he further clarifies that it is an end zone. He then FURTHER clarifies that an end zone is a place where you score and admitted that Stone Cold Steve Austin scored on him. He then warns that he is going to score on Stone Cold, and that Austin should look out, because he's coming to get him. Um, I mean, what do you say to that?

I've got nothing to say about Ahmed Johnson.

Let's Remember Faarooq Asad

Faarooq Asad is one of those characters that has stuck with me far past his influence should have. I think this is partly that I was a huge Ron Simmons fan in WCW, wondered why he was no longer wrestling (remember: this is pre-internet), and then saw him show up in WWE as...a...I don't know, an oversized baby with a bad alien warrior outfit?

And here's the thing, he kind of came in like an awesome badass. He just came down and beat the shit out of Ahmed Johnson. It would have given him immediate legitimacy, but he was dressed up as a futuristic space gladiator, and nobody quite knew what that meant.

On top of this, he was given Sunny as a manager, and they just didn't fit together. It was a little like when they put Cesaro with Paul Heyman. On paper, the pairing seemed like a great idea, but it wasn't the right fit, nor the right time. Cesaro was finally starting to get cheered, and Paul Heyman is at his best when he is trying to get heat from the crowd, so it put Cesaro in this weird limbo. Faarooq Asad is this futuristic space warrior who is only about destroying anyone in his path, but they give him an upbeat blonde who was the most downloaded woman on the internet. Sunny was great at getting a reaction, but she wasn't the person to help Faarooq get the correct reaction.

But that's nitpicking. The big issue was the outfit. I mean, just look at this asshole.

There is literally no way for a guy to get over while wearing that.

The only thing they got right in the early going was his first interview. Do you know the thing that he talked about to make the crowd hate him? He told Ahmed Johnson that he should respect women. Sadly, that worked, because if there is one thing the WWE Universe hates, it is definitely women.

And yet, this version of Faarooq stuck with me far more than his Nation of Domination run where my only takeaway is that he started it, but it's most important moment was The Rock taking it over. I'll always remember you Weirdo Space Warrior, Faarooq Asad, maybe not fondly, but I'll remember you all the same.

How The WWE Could Have Made Breaking Bad Better

I just finished up Breaking Bad, and it was a great show. So great that it is hard to find any problems with the show. I felt totally satisfied with my viewing experience from beginning to end. Still, there is one way this show could have improved. They could have replaced all of the male characters with the members of the Nation of Domination. I know that sounds a tad extreme, but just hear me out. The actors were fantastic, but these guys would have made the show that much better.

1. Walter White should have been played by The Rock. I mean, if you want a badass chemistry teacher, there is really no better option than The Rock. There is very rarely a better option than The Rock.

He's so unassuming, yet still so badass. Also, a bald head, which shows the intensity of the chemotherapy. Truly an ideal option.

2. With Walter now being played by The Rock. Jesse Pinkman needs to be amped up a little bit. Who would make a perfect protege for Walt? Obviously D-Lo Brown.

He was known as a great European Champion, so it should be no problem for him to switch to a Chemistry Champion instead.

3. With just two tweaks, we've changed the whole dynamic of the show, which means that Hank now has to be more badass. This is the role Crush was born to play.

Also, the interracial composition of the family would really add to the drama.

4. This leads me to Gustavo Fring. He was a great leader, but he could have been a better leader. He could have been Farooq.

Woah, woah, woah. That came across as super racist. Let's try that again.

Much better.

5. Mike has to be the biggest badass on the show, so he will be played by Mark Henry.

Yep, that should work just fine.

6. But who would play Saul Goodman? Saul was cast nearly perfectly, and he was such a pimp throughout the show. Wait a minute, that gives me an idea.

You can't tell me that's not an award winning billboard.

7. But who could possibly play Walter Jr.? His inability to move or speak properly will be tough for anyone to replicate, but don't worry, I already know of someone who does both of those features naturally. This was the role Ahmed Johnson was born to play.

He's perfect. I'm so proud of this.

The Comprehensive History of the APA

Thanks to reader, Lukewarm Jonah, for the suggestion on writing about the APA. He mentioned that he wasn't talking about that writing shit, but when I hear APA, the Acolytes Protection Agency will always be the first thing that comes to mind. The APA is a very interesting WWE team, as they are still beloved, despite neither guy being near his peak during their time as a member of the APA. Ron Simmons/Farooq was far more influential in the WCW and during his time leading the Nation of Domination. Meanwhile, Bradshaw would become JBL and be a consistent World Heavyweight Title Champion and contender. But still, they drank beer, cussed, and gambled, and those activities will always be cool in pro wrestling. Before we get there, let's look at how these guys came together.

It all started with The Undertaker and Paul Bearer creating the Ministry of Darkness. Bradshaw and Farooq joined up as Hell's Henchmen. They quickly became The Acolytes when their manager, The Jackyl, left the WWE. Their first order of business was adding some weight behind the Ministry. 

With the help of Phineas I. Godwinn (Mideon), they abduct a 600 pound Mabel, who would later become Viscera, and be as successful in that role as he was in all of his others (not very).

The Acolytes would go on to win the tag team titles a couple times, and that's all well and good. But wrestling will never be what they were remembered for, they were the best bodyguards (sorry, Diesel) in WWE history. 

These guys split from the Ministry of Darkness to do their own thing. It gave them more time to kick ass and drink beer. Still, they valued one thing even more than beer, and that was money. But it took them a while to change from a tag team to an official protection agency. Luckily, the Mean Street Posse needed help, and they found the perfect guys for the job.

My favorite part of that video is that they are playing gin. That is the ultimate Grandma card game.

Now, as a professional protection agency, they needed to hone their skills. A lot of people may try to do this at a dojo or mixed martial arts gym, but the APA knew the kind of fights they were going to get into, so they trained where the fights were happening, the bars. 

Bradshaw doesn't care if you're the state's arm wrestling champion, and neither him or Farooq care if they are outnumbered. As long as they strike first, they are going to win the fight. Here, they beat the crap out of a bunch of posers from Rhode Island. They leave without a scratch on them. This would not be the last time that they fought in a bar, and by a bar, I mean it won't be the last time that they fought in this very bar. This would help them when the WWE had bar room brawls where they not only had to fight but drink excessively as well.

Still, business was not as booming as they had hoped, so they did what any good business would do and produce a top-notch commercial.

Not many protection agencies will be paid in beer and cigars, but that's what made the APA such great business men. They were willing to think outside the box. One of their downfalls in business was that they were sitting there but let their answering machine take the call. If you want beer, you gotta answer the phone. Also, guys, you have a drawer for Zima but not Natty Light, that's suspect planning on your part.

They did try to get clever with what APA could stand for, and, um, that didn't work out too well.

Yeah, there is no way to construe that as anything but the advertisement for a successful gay bar. The WWE could have been really progressive and made them two badass gays who did not fit into typical stereotypes, but this is the WWE, so there was no way of that happening.

Still, it was clear that these guys had their shit together, so it was no surprise that other WWE Superstars wanted to be like the APA.

Here are the six best things about that video.
6. Brian Kendrick has clearly never been around a drunk person.
5. Farooq insisting that drinking alcohol is the only way to make it.
4. Bradshaw claiming that Brian Kendrick had a malignant case of dumbass.
3. That door.
2. Bradshaw saying that Britney Spears kissing Jenna Jameson would be hot.
1. Farooq responding that Britney Spears is a virgin.

This video should be shown in schools to help future generations became awesome.

The APA also helped get over one of the simplest, yet memorable, catchphrases in WWE history.

DAMN.

In the end, these guys were more than hired hands to take care of dirty work. They were friends, and that is the element of the APA we can never forget. The only people they cared about were the people with the biggest paychecks. The only exceptions were each other. And if there's one thing friends know how to do, it's throw a party.

Yes, the APA may have closed their doors, but the memories, much like their friendship, will live on forever.