How To Make Money Online: Freelancer

Freelancer is a website that connects people who need specific creative work done with the creative types that are willing to do freelancing work. You probably could have guessed that from the name, but now that we're all on the same page, let's make this short and sweet. I've barely done jackshit on Freelancer for two reasons.

The first reason is they try to upsell you on things, and I was not committed to losing money. I am offering my service for people, so no, I am not going to invest in their made up programs to prove myself.

The second, and much larger issue, was that all of the best projects were for females only. Like, check out this description.

Project Description

I am looking for a female, African American woman who not only writes powerful Slam Poetry but also performs it will. I need a customized poem written based on an empowerment topic, which then needs to be recorded by the individual, and sent to me. It will be used for an empowering video project,

I mean, that sounds perfect for me as I should probably make a career in slam poetry. Just check this out.

Basic, B-A-S-I-C
What you can't see
Is how you're hurting me
With the twisting of my left titty
But I feel the itch
And I've got that twitch
To leave you in a ditch
So here's the sitch
You're gonna need a stitch
You basic bitch.

See? You don't need to be African American woman to slam. But alas, when will the white male finally get a break in this unfair world?

This wasn't the only great opportunity I missed out on though.

Project Description

I need someone to write me an erotica story in the fantasy department with Goddess and Demon Queen with Amazon height of 11feet tall compared to the main male character who is only 5feet 6inch

I'll join the main setup of the story with the description I WANT SERIOUS AND OPENMINDED WRITER ONLY

I could write the shit out of that erotica, especially when it comes to Amazon women making love with below average sized men. I mean, here's just a sample of what I could do.

The basketball looked like a softball in the palm of this Demon Queen. It was clear that she could post up Rebecca Lobo with ease. Brittney Griner would have been jealous of her exotic beauty. She told me, "Remove your clothes so I can see your Sue Bird." I did as I was told, and oh golly, did my Bird sing.

See? That is both serious and open-minded. But alas, this was another contest only open to females, which is dumb, because I would have name dropped at least 100 WNBA players had I been able to write it.

So my overall review is that Freelancer sucks, that is, until someone is hiring a white male to write WNBA Slam Poetry.

Franklin & Bash/Suits Power Rankings: Week 3

Another week without a hot tub scene at the Franklin/Bash party house. Meanwhile, it was party night for the ladies of Pearson Hardman. If those ladies could go to law school/pass the bar, they would make these rankings. But these rankings are only for lawyers who play by their own rules. For last week's rankings, click here. Now onto Week 3 of the rankings:

1. Harvey Specter - This was a rough start as he initially got schooled by the head of nurses (who used to run the town of Harlan, Kentucky), and not in the sexy way. Then HARDMAN owns him and tries to take over the case, but Harvey tells him to stop acting like a rookie before dropping the best line of the episode, "The only thing there is a zero chance of is me losing." That's Grade A arrogance right there. Harvey and HARDMAN have intense interactions, but Harey really owned his bitch ass in every one of them by always getting the last word in. Then he did shady shit and screwed over the nurses for working too hard. Mike got sad, but Harvey straight up owned those nurses in the end. 

2. Jared Franklin - Although he managed to not make contact with anything and scratch when trying to break in pool, he was interacting with girls, which got him his swagger back. That led to him being a Judge Pro Tem. Unfortunately, that led to him breaking Stoner Dude's heart. Although it was never explicitly stated (which was disappointing) Franklin got a little thing called LEEWAY and let old Mazzani sing a song for his testimony. That is rock and roll. Also, something that makes no sense to me is that everyone always make a huge deal out of him going against his Dad, but as far as I can tell, he never loses to the guy.

3. Peter Bash - Another benefactor of the party, seducing ladies with a little Hall and Oates (yeah, he totally forgot that he has a cop girlfriend. This is classic Zack Morris as ladies just seem to disappear after being romantically involved with him). Also, showed excellent knowledge of NSYNC, as their second album was a great piece of work. Bash is going after Cole for the heart of rock and roll. If there is one thing Bash loves to do, it's shred. That is why he throws a party just so people have to listen to him play his music. Power outage? No biggie, he'll play an unplugged concert.

4. Mr. Franklin - This man would murder puppies to win a case, and although that is an awful thing to do, that is a trait that should be respected. Even when the man loses, his client still ends up filthy rich. Bravo.

5. Hardcore Lawyer Lady - She owns Mazzani's in the small claims court, and then gets ousted for a man. This was not a flattering episode for the ladies. This lady wins the case, and her client responds by bringing in the Big Daddy lawyer for his real trial. We'll get to more evidence of lack of lady respect later on. Still, Hardcore Lawyer Lady, you get props from me.

6. Louis Litt - Louis wants Harvard to believe that he can make people shit rainbows. And he wants everyone at work to know that he's the hardest worker at the firm. And then Louis went out and proved it. He did all of the rookies work in one night to show his dominance over them. His dominance was great, but he was picking on rookies. He needs to move to the big boy table if he wants to rise higher on these rankings.

7. Daniel Hardman - HARDMAN interrupts whenever he feels like it, because HARDMAN is a man to be respected. HARDMAN goes behind Harvey's back and straight up owns the court room. Still, Harvey gets the best of him in the end, which is the main cause for his heavy drop in the rankings. He slightly redeems himself when he makes everybody feel bad, because his wife died. That's a classic pity maneuver; I use it all the time with the ladies.

8. Mike Ross - Mike got used in this episode and pulled no tail. He's being a nice guy to his one-day girlfriend, Rachel, the hot paralegal. Mike better watch his back, because if Rachel passes the bar, that makes her eligible for this list, and she has a very good chance of ranking higher than him. Hot girl bonus points carry a lot of weight around these parts. On top of all of that, Mike didn't want to get his hands dirty when it came to the nurses. I don't want my hands clean when it comes to nurses. Know what I'm saying? (High five)


9. Stanton Infeld - I think every week I will point out my favorite lie from Infeld. This week it is definitely when he was talking about hanging out with Rod Stewart. Infeld reminds me of my buddy who constantly lies, but we are all so tired of arguing with him that we just let it slide. Still, the most ridiculous thing from this episode was when he called Pindar, who was working on this case as a lawyer for the defense, to be a witness. The judge is all like, yeah this guy has been on the case the entire time, but if you take him off real quick, he's a credible witness. That's shit that a judge would only do for Franklin and Bash. It's a little thing they made famous in the first season called LEEWAY. I fucking love leeway. Although it didn't get a win in the case, that was never the goal, he did cure Pindar. That's good lawyering and an excellent use of playing by your own rules.

10. Pindar Singh - I have made my feelings towards Pindar very clear. I hate him. I have to admit, though, he started off so strong in this episode, macking on his lady friend, but then he had to Pindar it up and be the worst when his doctor turned out to be a scam artist. Then he's back to passing out at in court. Somehow, by the end of the episode, he touched a girl, learned that cooties aren't real, and then kissed a girl. I still hate Pindar, but I needed to get these thoughts out.

Dropped From Rankings:
Eric Jango - Broing it up.

Ted Rossi - Dudeing it up.

Paul Porter - Playing with himself as he admires the bowtie rack he got last week.

Damien Karp - He really mailed it in for this episode. Here is a complete summary of his one scene:

Stanton Infeld - You're on this case for a shady psychiatrist.
Damien Karp - We can't win.
Stanton Infeld - Okay. I'll take Pindar.
Damien Karp - Whatevs.

And we never saw Karp again.

And although these ladies dropped off the rankings last week, I still feel the need to address them:

Hanna Linden - She actually got involved in the case with Infeld and Pindar, yet barely made more of an impact than Damien. She touched Pindar; Infeld could have just had a stripper on his legal team who could have performed the same duties. It was a really bad week for the ladies...

Jessica Pearson - ...especially the black ladies. She's basically an angry teenager at this point. "Harvey, do this, or I'm gonna be really mad at you." And then he'll do the opposite. She basically has no power with HARDMAN back. Did I mention how awful of a week this was for the ladies? Sorry, but you ladies need to stop playing by the rules, because the dudes don't give a fuck about rules. 

It's Not Easy Being Beautiful

There has been a recent uprising over the power of words and how offensive they can be. In the past, it has been about races, whether it be Blacks, Hispanics, or Asians, every racial group has some derogatory term associated with their people. Recently, those with a non-conventional sexual orientation have been abused and bullied. All of these examples are terrible and truly represent the worst society has to offer.

Unfortunately, I have noticed a disturbing trend developing. There's a new group of people suffering the same level of discrimination and vitriol from the general public. It's become so ingrained in our everyday lexicon that most people probably don't even think twice when saying it. It's not right, and it needs to stop. How do I know so much about these discriminated people? Because I am one. That's right, I'm talking about the unjust cruelty towards attractive people.

Let me just give you a hypothetical situation of an attractive male walking by a group of people:

Person 1: Wow, check out the ass on that one.
Person 2: That guy is so sexy.
Person 1: He may be the hottest guy I've ever seen.

These people say these things, enjoy the view, and go about their day. Everything's fine, right? Wrong. I know the pain of that person walking by, because I AM that person walking by. None of those people ever took their eyes off my body to look up and see that I was reading an interesting book. It just made me feel...cheap.

Beautiful people are constantly told to shut up and look pretty, so I will be the voice of the voiceless. I didn't sign up for this; it just happened that I came out incredibly attractive. But just summing me up as the hot guy is extremely disrespectful. It doesn't take into account that I am incredible writer with a beautiful voice that can West Coast Dance with the best in the world.

Some claim that it is okay because of the benefits of being attractive. But there's benefits to everything. Asians are good at math, homosexuals dress really well, and black people have huge...athleticism. Yes, I do have women complimenting me on how amazing I am...constantly, but it doesn't mean I should take verbal abuse everywhere I go and be reduced to a simple description of "Hot."

And yes, many of you may think that me referring to myself as Hott Joe is hypocritical on my part. But it's the opposite. Much like rappers using the n-word, I call myself Hott to take over possession of the word. I refuse to be a slave to my beauty.

I don't like to think about it, but at my funeral, I get the sad feeling that people aren't going to talk about how hilarious I am, my vast intellect, or even how great I am in bed. It'll just be the superficial stuff like how stunning my jawline is, how great I look with my shirt off, and how I look even better with my pants off. It's not fair...and it's not right.

But this is my cross to bear. Luckily with my chiseled muscles in all the right places, it will be one that I carry with nothing but grace, dignity, and stunning good looks.

I'm not just another pretty face, so please, think before you speak.

-Joe

P.S. If anybody would like to cheer me on, I will be running The Bix 7 this Saturday. I will have my shirt off, but please cheer me for my great running style, not my great looks.