Suits Power Rankings - Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner

I don't like to be negative, but last week's performances were pretty weak. I was afraid that these New York Hot Shots had turned into a bunch of Podunk Skunks. But this week quelled my concerns as they were going back and forth like Ali and Frazier. You can check out last week's rankings here, and here are this week's rankings:

1. Logan Sanders - Back in the day, he didn't treat his wife or his mistress very well, but he's learned from his mistakes. He now respects women. Logan Sanders respects women so hard. He respects the shit out of women. He respects women so much that he tells the boyfriends of his former lovers how he used to turn their old lady over and thrust her until completion. Sometimes, he just can't help it, and he explodes with respect all over women's faces. What a great guy.

2. Harvey Specter - Gets owned by Mike and is scared of Jessica. Things were looking pretty bleak for Harvey for a second straight week, but he came back, and he came back so strong. He blew off his lunch with Jeff Malone, and then got inside Mike's head, turned the head of the union, and made Mike look like a bitch. But his confidence got the best of him. Where he could have had this deal done for $20 million and a happy client, he now has to fight. Harvey could have closed this easily had he just gone above Mike's head to Sidwell and told him about the offer who would have accepted it without Mike even having a chance to convince him otherwise. You have to play to win, not play to win the right way.

3. Mike Ross - Subpoenas Harvey while he was eating a bagel like a bitch. Everybody knows hot dogs are for winners. Then he owns Harvey in front of the judge, which must have been super satisfying. But things got bad for him when he gave up what he wanted to do with the company. Still, he recovered, and even though he made Walter Gillis super sad that he won't be able to expand, he's back in the fight, and he will do anything to beat the man that penetrated his girlfriend years ago.

4. Jessica Pearson - She actually scared Harvey, so impressive work there, but Harvey still didn't do what she wanted him to, so she definitely loses some points there. She has refrained from banging one of the partners in the law firm, so congratulations on three days of not putting your company in Jeopardy, Jessica. Still, I can't punish her for future sins, and who could blame her? Jeff Malone is a hunk.

5. Jeff Malone - Got himself a fancy new job at Pearson Specter and managed to work with Louis instead of fighting with him. He did lose his corner office, but he got an office next to his bangpiece, and this is a man who values convenience over prestige. Gotta respect that.

6. Donna Paulsen - Calls out Harvey for being a ball-less coward, so that was some much needed sass from her. Unfortunately, Donna searches the trash to find out gossip around the office, which she considers her edge. Still she needs something to fill the pages of her diary, and the romance between Jessica and Jeff should take up a few chapters.

7. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis worked really hard on his presentation, but it was too late. Jeff Malone is a partner and he's already taking some of Louis's cases. Sometimes the only one he can trust is his pussy diary, which is very different than my own personal pussy journal (which is mostly filled with hypotheticals and blank pages). Louis has interesting culinary tastes for his meals, as he says he eats cock for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. The most important part of that is that he has the same thing three times a day. Variety is the spice of life, Litt. Louis finally does get that variety when he gets a corner office, and the best news is he doesn't need his diary, for this triumph belongs in his Dictaphone for permanent inspiration.

8. Pete - He's the head of the union, so he's got to protect his people. He doesn't care who gives him half a billion dollars, as long as he gets that money. He's a lot like me in that way.

9. Katrina Bennett - She is the number one cheerleader. She also does a nice job of moving furniture.

10. Walter Gillis - He threw a tantrum about having to spend an extra $500 million. That actually seems pretty reasonable to me.

11. Todd - Got tricked into thinking he had a heart attack. Also, he has never been helped off the ground, as anyone who has tried has just slipped off due to his excessive hand lotion.

12. Rachel Zane - Always comes in late for work. Rachel gets mad at Mike for not taking the deal, because now this battle is going to continue. This wouldn't be as big of an issue if she hadn't said this after this has been going on for TWO WHOLE DAYS. Rachel really hasn't done anything as Harvey's associate, and if she doesn't step it up soon to help him destroy Mike, she needs to be replaced. I'm not sure if any of you were paying attention, but there was a paper peaking out on Harvey's desk, and it was two resumes for a new associate. Those prospects' names? Jared Franklin and Peter Bash. Also, this is their entire resume:

Franklin & Bash Season 3, Episodes 1-2 Notes

So I have had these notes from the first two episodes of Franklin and Bash with the plan of turning into a well thought out post about the show. Instead, I'm just going to post the notes and let you figure it out. If you watched the episodes, this should all make sense. Feel free to ask for any clarification.

Jared Franklin - Jared is an amateur magician and performs marriages.

Peter Bash - Knows that a sticky floor is just good party traction.
Pre-game pushups. This is just a wise maneuver.
Pain killers really put him out of work.

Rachel King - She owned Franklin and Bash on Piers Morgan. She takes ballet, likes zombies, and does not like partying. Discipline is what she is all about. She depends on incompetence to get the better of Franklin and Bash. Gives Damien terrible advice about exposing his masturbation video, and gives her magician friend terrible advice too. She is an awful lawyer.
She cares about veterans.

August West - He is a magician, so of course he has to get defended by Franklin and Bash.

Tim West - The angry magician brother.

Damien Karp - Has to release his masturbation tape to the world. He's got a new hair cut, and it is HAIRRIBLE. He's trying to be Bash instead of being happy with who he is.
His hair was all over the place. Like, everybody should rewatch these episodes to see all the changes. It was really blwoing my mind.

Hannah - She gone.

Stanton Infeld - He brought on a name partner with no experience at his firm. That is a total bitch move. If you want to be the boss, you gotta act like a BAWSS. This was not a BAWSS move. He takes out Bash with a touch to the pectoral, because science.
He can no longer remember his made up stories, which I guess is progress.
Infeld is still the worst.

Pindar Singh - Such a nerd. Their hotel room had a lot of bodily fluids. Burned the house down.

Carmen - Carmen makes a lot of sense. I vote for more Carmen. She used speed dating to get information for a case.

I really wish the guys could have realized that they are working for the world's most famous magician and could have just paid for the bracelet ten times over and kept this whole thing quiet.

Hot Jury Member - Franklin and Bash just kept trying to seduce this broad with their lawyering ways.

Coors Light aluminum bottles - The drink of champions.

Right Boob Signatures - It is the preference of classy ladies.

Hot Tubs - RIP. They went from hot tubs being a central part of the show to only being used once last season, to now no longer having a hot tub.

Natalya - Ukranian broad.

Blue Moon - Because Franklin and Bash will not drink real beers this season.

Charlie - Hot blonde with a sexy Australian accent.

Don French - War veteran, tire slasher, overall badass. I just felt bad for him, because he had to have his celebratory party at the new house, so he didn't get to experience the magic of the hot tub.

Judge Maxwell Nunis - Loves Franklin and Bash. He tries to be zany too, but he could definitely use some work on his eccentricity.

AutoTrader.com - Great place to get sweet vehicles.

Franklin & Bash/Suits Power Rankings: Week 9

Suits has one more week left, but this was the final week for Franklin and Bash. Even with their lack of partying and shenanigans, it is still tough to say goodbye. Enough with the chit chat. For last week's rankings, click here. For this week's rankings, just read below you dingus.

1. Daniel Hardman - HARDMAN makes Louis senior partner, which actually makes sense, because he, like everyone else in the firm, wins all of his cases. But he also informs Louis to keep it a secret so he can have the winning edge when they vote for managing partner at the next meeting. That is the definition of playing by your own rules, and I absolutely love it. Jessica tries to call out HARDMAN, but HARDMAN is cocky as hell about everything, so he don't give a what about anything Jessica has to say. Louis confronts HARDMAN about making him the fall guy, but HARDMAN just tells him the truth as calm as can be. Then he makes himself look like a changed man who cares about Louis. He is playing chess while others are playing checkers. HARDMAN is playing Louis like a fiddle, and it is some really beautiful work.

2. Peter Bash - Unfortunately, Bash is not a lawyer, so he should not qualify for these rankings. But since that was a technicality, I feel like I can keep him in the rankings as a technicality. Bash got a letter saying that he can't practice law, but that can't keep him off the rankings, because everybody knows that Franklin and Bash only PLAY law. Practice is for sissies. He's still going to represent for his boy from high school, Tommy Dale, who is running for governor. Bash is a witness and just when they think they have them on the ropes, he reveals that there was infidelity in the gubernatorial candidates' marriage, but it was his wife...with the campaign manager's wife. This is what I mean when I say that Bash plays law. He don't need no practice, not when lesbian actions are involved. Bash then uses "country hardball" to get Tommy Dale a new campaign manager. The guys save the day by throwing a party and finally inviting the partners. They also flew the flight attendants back to the party, because of course they did.

3. Jared Franklin - Franklin dropped, approximately, 67 one liners in this episode. It was like the writers had all of these lines they wanted to use in the season and realized they had only used 11 of the 78 they had written, so they just let Jared have at it. He was burning people nonstop. He recovered from the awful one liners by getting drunk and raising havoc on the Franklin flight. Since they are equity partners, they can't be fired, so they may as well live it up. The guys both get arrested, but no big deal, they don't just know lawyers, they have lawyer friends.

4. Jessica Pearson - She is in an absolute war with HARDMAN on who will take over the firm. She makes Harvey be nice to Louis. Jessica's go to line is, "I send you to do one thing, and you can't do it," every time she tells Harvey to do something. That doesn't work if you use it every time you need something. She was going to try to play nice, but she got her panties in a bunch, and then made Louis shit his with a threat that she would curb stomp him if she voted against him. Okay, so maybe those were not her exact words, but it was definitely implied, and that kind of street lawyerin' is something to be respected.

5. Harvey Specter - Harvey begs to get Donna back, and she does, because, sadly, she seems to have no other options. His big case is defending an asshole sports broadcaster, where all the broadcaster has to do is apologize and the whole thing is over. Obviously, the broadcaster won't apologize, so it turns into a whole big mess that I will talk about later. He also has to try to buddy up to Louis, because Jessica makes him, but he fails at that plan. He should have used that Roger Maris's record breaking bat to break some rules, as he played by the rules the entire episode. It was not Harvey's strongest week.

6. Mike Ross - Michael is getting a place for his grandma, but let's face it, he's only doing that to help him pick up chicks and it totally worked on Rachel.

Now that we have that nice little story out of the way, this is the time where I rant about how awful it is when shows try to get into sports, and only show that they don't know what the hell they are talking about. So this baseball player named Solis took steroids but had other players take his drug test. That is ridiculous and would never, ever, ever, ever ever ever, work. The guy who knew would have to testify, but at that point, it would be one man's word versus another. This would get dragged out in court for at least two years, in which Solis may have to take a drug test, which he could easily pass. That means he could slowly ween himself off of steroids and have a natural decline as a player ages without anyone being the wiser. And that is only if you think that steroids have a huge impact on players. There is probably an impact, but it is not going to turn a AAA player into a superstar. Of course, Mike gets Roberto Solis to retire in the prime of his career to save his reputation, which no MLB player would ever do. Diatribe over.

Finally, my condolences to Mike for the passing of his grandma. She was an all-time great airline employee, and although I knew she was never going to see that apartment, I was still bummed when she died. I hope Mike finds his other grandma, who is just the same lady wearing glasses.

7. Louis Litt - Louis made senior partner, and you best believe he is going to live it up. Louis did something that I really want to incorporate, and that is doing a spin while casually walking down the hallway. Also pointing to girls asses and asking random people for high-fives is pretty money as well. He was really the center of attention of the episode, but he was rarely the center of any scene. It was always what Harvey, HARDMAN, and Jessica were doing in regards to him, but hey, spins, high-fives, and ass points still earn you points on these rankings.

8. Roger Dempsey - He is looking to get Infeld-Daniels dissolved, because Franklin and Bash never invited him to their "legendary" parties. When he finally does get invited, he spends the entire night in the hot tub. Classic Dempsey. He may be my new favorite lawyer at Infeld-Daniels.

9. Harold - He is about to get a tattoo with his bonus money. Although he never stated it, I'm guessing he is blowing the rest on hookers and coke. 

10. Brock Daniels - He could swing the vote one way or the other, but he's busy delivering horses by reaching all up inside of them. Then decided to screw over everybody so he could go fly fishing. I was going to hold that against him, but that is hella playing by your own rules.

11. Hanna Linden - Hanna admitted to keeping a file, but it was cool, because she was showing major cleavage, so all is good. She also is a Facebook investigator and found that Brock Daniels was going to vote for Leonard Franklin's buyout. I hope she remembered to like his status.

12. Stanton Infeld - He might lose his firm, so he trusts Franklin and Bash to save it for him, because they are pretty much the greatest lawyers ever. Although I need to give props to him breaking into Elton John's post-Oscar parties, his best lie was that he was backup goalie on the 72 Swiss Olympic hockey team. He made Franklin and Bash super sad when they found out that he only hired them as a poison pill for his own company, but then he crashed their party, so all was forgiven.

Franklin and Bash are now done, so it will strictly be a Suits rankings for their final episode. Remember, lawyers, play by your own rules, and one day, you can make this illustrious list.

Franklin & Bash/Suits Power Rankings: Double Up

I apologize for the lack of an update last week. Circumstances unfortunately got in the way. But there is good news as instead of ignoring those old episodes, I will be factoring in two weeks worth of episodes, which means I am extending the rankings to include 20 of the best lawyers who play by their own rules. Shit went down on both shows, so let's get down to business. If you want to check out the previous week's action, click here. Now onto the only rankings for lawyers who play by their own rules.

1. Harvey Reginald Specter - Harvey lost Donna, so he responded the only way he knew how. He decided to party in Atlantic City, and when you party in Atlantic City, you gotta wear tuxes. Unfortunately, his boy lost his company, because he sucks at poker. Luckily, Harvey knows all the hot women in Atlantic City, so he can get the information he needs. But then Harvey fucked up by offering up a settlement, which made things go to trial. This would be bad news for regular lawyers, but since Harvey never loses, it really just gives him a chance to show off. Obviously, instead of doing that in court, he decides to play poker for a person's company, because that is completely logical and makes total sense. He doesn't play the odds; he plays the man. He wins in poker in 20 minutes, and then celebrates by nearly making Louis pee his pants.

Speaking of peeing, Harvey peed in Louis's office a while ago and blamed his cat. That cat died last week, probably from the stress of Louis yelling at it. Dude, maybe you took that prank a little too far. Although I disagree with actions that lead to an animal's death, that is definitely a move that can be classified as playing by your own rules.

In the second episode, Harvey totally burned Tanner on his bad tie choice. That is a classic lawyer burn. Harvey then punched him in the face, because Tanner implied that his mother was a whore. You know, just regular, everyday lawyerin'. Harvey needs Donna's help, but she's pretty pissed that he didn't help her out. Ladies have feelings, and Harvey has trouble dealing with all that nonsense. In the end, Harvey got a nice settlement deal and decided to take it after some prodding from Mike Ross.

2. Jessica Pearson - Big props to Jessica for making it to number two on this list. Back in college, she thought it would be hilarious to prank a girl, but it turns out that girl is now a judge and is trying to screw Pearson Hardman. Honestly, Jessica deserves it, since she basically roofied this judge, and then left her naked in the front of a classroom. That seems like somebody should have been charged with a crime there, but whatever.  Jessica totally screws the judge over by donating money to her campaign.  Judge Lady tried to make Jessica grovel for forgiveness, but Jessica just decided to say that she would totally get her wasted and do it again. It took balls, figuratively, and she used those figurative balls to put Harvey in his place after he gambled a man's company. Great job, Jessica, because that is what you should be doing when lawyers are playing poker instead of lawyering.

In the second episode, Jessica started off slow in the mock trial, but then picked it up when she was able to show that Harvey has a heart. With the help of that momentum, she got Louis to admit that he hated Harvey, but that he knew that Harvey was innocent of the crime, which was cute for the mock trial, but just asking a random coworker whether they think somebody did something probably won't hold up in real court. Oh well, mock court wins are pretty sweet either way. In the end, it turned out to be a big waste of time, because they just settled once Hardman found dirt on Travis Tanner.

3. Daniel Hardman - Hardman is wise, as he gets a settlement for Harvey by blackmailing Travis Tanner. I am not sure what the information was, but I am guessing it dealt with unspeakable relations with dolphins. But then he puts Jessica's managing partner role up to a vote against him, which is just about the most HARDMAN thing that has ever HARDMANed.

Richard Tafflinger - This is just Daniel Hardman with his hair combed in a different way. Different hair means different law firm, so he decides to go to work at Infeld-Daniels so he can cause hell for Franklin and Bash. His only job is to fire people, because he is a bad dude, and he is coming after Franklin and Bash. He got Franklin and Bash all nervous when he pretended to be looking at an important file, but it turns out it was just a magazine. That's classic HARDMAN. He broke Pindar in about 30 seconds, which is 20 seconds longer than it usually takes. He also tries to intimidate Carmen, but that shit don't work, because she's from the streets. In the end, he has to mess up his hair and go back to work at Pearson-Hardman. Still, doing damage on both shows is great hustle.

4. Peter Bash - So, Franklin and Bash tried to win a dead body and lost. Now some dude will forever be dancing. At least they managed to lose the most meaningless case in FandB history. Then the judge reopens the case the next day and win the case with the help of a stuffed bear. On top of that, Bash helped open Hannah's artist friend's eyes to help him realize there is art in everything, even lawyering.

In the second episode, Bash totally calls out Franklin for his questionable love of Emily because she's the enemy. This completely ignores that Bash has made a habit out of falling in love with every girl that is going up against them. Bash then hits on a roller derby girl, because he again forgot that he is dating Janie. Of course, by this point, she may already be buried in the ocean somewhere. Bash helps them win the fraud case, because he is an expert in boob tattoos. Finally, that expertise came in handy. Ah, who am I kidding? It's Franklin and Bash, that probably marked the 100th case that they have won due to Bash's expertise in breast ink.

5. Jared Franklin - The fellas have to stop a dead guy from being posed as a dancer. This, unfortunately, has nothing to do with hot tubs. It does have something to do with this dude actaully being in love with his Salsa instructor, because she was muy caliente. The highlight for Jared was when he totally burned Peter by saying that his girlfriend was a corpse.

The next episode started off with a bang, as Franklin blasts Bash with a t-shirt cannon. Jared could lose his job, so he uses Oreos to seduce the enemy. Franklin reasons with Emily that they couldn't have paid their client to leave town, because, well, uh, because they didn't, and Emily should just, like, believe him. Somehow, that leads to Franklin "bashing" Emily, although she really did the closing with her polygraph trick. Gettin' laid is gettin' laid, so point for Franklin.

6. Louis Litt - Louis goes to the ballet and takes the time to spit some game at Rachel. Bravo. Plus, he met a ballet bigshot, and he is going to help him out with some legal stuff to ensure the dancers' happiness. But he takes a misstep, and then the ballet might get evicted, but it was all because his ballet bigshot, Sergei, lied to Louis and was pocketing cash on the side. So Louis decides to straight up own Sergei to save the ballet. Honestly, he was looking like a straight up baller until Harvey found out about Louis recording him, and then Louis got scurd like a bitch. Not a good way to end things for him.

In the second episode, Louis was really only working to get his catchphrase of "Litt Up" to catch on. I can't blame him, as I often asked ladies of they wanted a "Hot Cup of Joe" when laying the groundwork for my seduction. Louis made Donna cry, which got Harvey pissed until Louis put him in his place by saying it was his fault that she cried. Louis triumphantly left the bathroom without drying his hands. It was like the opposite of the first episode where he didn't do much, but then had his shining moment right at the end. Very impressive work from a man who I assume to be an honorary member of the St. Lunatics.

7. Mike Ross - Mike Ross has to babysit a gambling alcoholic in Atlantic City. He actually came up with a good idea of bringing a bomb to a gun fight, but the biggest thing that he did was find Louis's dictaphone which led to Harvey terrifying Louis.

On the next episode, Mike is forced to switch sides, because Mike is forced to switch sides like every other episode. Mike is going to help Louis win a mock trial, and he is coming after Harvey's integrity hardcore, even getting Rachel to play Donna by repeatedly saying, "I decline to answer." Then he goes to real Donna and guilt trips her into doing what he wants. Donna cries and hates Mike, but she does make some off-handed remark, and it leads Mike to coming up with a great idea which leads to Harvey getting a good settlement from Travis Tanner. He was actually pretty productive, but he mostly played within the rules, which gets you no points in these rankings.

8. Jeffers - We thought he was just a creep, but it turns out he's a lawyer-creep. He became a lawyer, because he was inspired by Infeld. Unfortunately, he spent all of his time in prison getting a law degree instead of learning to shave. Dude, it's not that hard. If you can learn to lawyer, you can learn to handle a Bic.

9. Zooey - She's a sexy British lady who probably banged Harvey at one point. She's getting brought in, because Harvey thinks she is a good jury selector. Although after watching Harvey play poker for a man's company in the previous episode, it may be that he just needs a partner when he challenges Travis to a game of Billiards to decide the case. Unfortunately, no game of pool in this one, but she does guide them to a meaningless victory.

10. Harold - He knows nothing about the ballet, and it screwed him over yet again as Louis could not go to him with his important ballet stuff. After that, he is stuck fetching files for Rachel. I really hope Harold is made a partner before Mike. Nothing against Mike, but I just really root for Harold.

11. Emily Adams - She is the sexy lady who assists in finding people to be fired. Emily loves Oreos. After eating these Oreos, she seduced Franklin. No word on whether they will bury her body before the final episode, but I am guessing that we will never see her again. Oh, Emily, you were a cute brunette, but at least Franklin can't terrorize you in the afterlife.

12. Damien Karp - Karp decided to strong-arm the dude suspected of harrassing Infeld, but he just got some dirt on his shoes. He then got Carmen to help, because they didn't want to hire another actor to play an investigator, and she needed something to do. Then Damien gets scolded by the judge for sending some roughniks to mess with Jeffers. Playing by your own rules and losing is not cool, so that is why he is so low on these rankings. Also, he was put in charge of defending Franklin and Bash, but got fired after about two minutes. Tough week for Karp.

13. Black Lawyer Lady - Sorry for not catching your name, lady. She deserves this spot for totally owning Franklin and Bash on the dead body case, but then the guys won, because they brought a stuffed bear. Props win law cases, so she really dropped the ball by not bringing in her nephew's action figure collection.

14. Stanton Infeld - Someone is trying to kill Stanton, but he has it under control. Damien gave him all of the cases that Stanton has lost, and it contained two folders. One was a bank robbery where the guy just left prison. We saw him lose his other case when Pindar's doctor went to jail. I feel like Damien either missed a lot of cases, or Infeld isn't actually a lawyer. Yeah, it's definitely the latter.

The second episode started with Stanton being starlted from bed, where we find that he has roofied two to three women (we never see the third, so it may have been a figment of his imagination). Someone please put this man in prison. Stanton hates Tefflinger, and they definitely foreshadowed a future lawyer war between the two. My money is on Tefflinger, mostly because he able to legally practice law, which cannot possibly be the case for Infeld.

15. Bad Guy Energy Lawyer Dude - He used Harvey's words against him, and Harvey wanted to kill him for that, because he is the one who is supposed to be doing that to crappy lawyers. Then he let his client play poker to win a company, and that did not work out well for them.

16. Travis Tanner - He has one goal, get rid of Harvey, so he can become the best lawyer with quaffed hair in all the land. Then he gets punched in the face and gives himself a point, because he often plays the game face-to-fist, and he just scored. Unfortunately, Tanner settled with the firm, because he apparently did something shady in his past. My guess stands that he had sex with a water-bound mammal.

17. Hanna Linden - Hanna apparently dates guys who wear some sort of jean shirt/jacket, but not if they make less money than her. Ladies got to have standards. But seriously, in the dead body case, she never interacted with their client. She just sat there and smiled in the courtroom. It was just to give her an excuse to be at the courthouse, because she is a woman and can't have a case on her own. Please, give this woman her own case. She needs a chance to shine.

18. Ted Phillips - Harvey never tried to sleep with him; sorry, Ted.

19. Tammy's Nerd Lawyer - Such a nerd. He got totally outlawyered, because of his lack of knowledge of boobs. Feeling up sandbags doesn't count, nerd.

20. Pindar Singh - Gets boners when polygraphing himself. I'm not making that up.

Well, I am now at 2500 words, so I will leave you with that until next week, which should be much shorter since Franklin and Bash are taking this week off before their big finale.

Franklin & Bash/Suits Power Rankings: Week 6

In the world of Franklin and Bash, they started off with a bang, as the episode starts off with a sexy party at the law office. Sexy parties do not involve girls with glasses, but they do involve former strippers Then the Military ladies start talking in their crazy Navy slang, and obviously nobody knows what they are talking about. Even military ladies are sexy in the world of Franklin and Bash.

In the world of Suits, there was drama, drama, and a goodbye to Donna. That is not nearly as fun, so FandB take the top spot for this week. Check out last week's rankings here. Now onto this week's rankings:

1. Peter Bash - These guys are winging their guns around like they are gangstaz from the streets, and their aim is impeccable. They missed one shot and they were barely glancing at the targets. Peter totally called a bad guy a "Jag Off...icer." Excellent zinger, Mr. Bash. Then it turns out Captain Gina Vaughn has been trying to screw over the other ladies. Bash compares the white lady to George Washington, because he also screamed during battle. Seriously, that fight video is hilarious. Those ladies are throwing round house kicks, punching people with so much force that they go flying ten feet backwards. And throughout the entire video, the white girl just keeps screaming like a lunatic. Those five seconds were better than the entire UFC 149 card this past weekend. In the end, they got their clients charged with mutiny to get Captain Vaughn to confess to setting the whole thing up. Because she will gladly disgrace herself at the last minute. Franklin and Bash are the best lawyers ever.

2. Harvey Specter - Harvey tried to make sure a family got no money by trashing their dead husband/son in court. So now he is going to charm their pants off so they will drop a lawsuit. Allison thought this was an awful idea, which obviously made Harvey ignore her advice and speed right over there. The ladies were not happy, so that definitely backfired. That plan kept biting him in the ass. Also, by far the funniest thing about this episode is Harvey casually admitting that he is Michael Jordan's lawyer. 

3. Alyssa Powers - She's a sexy lady. She worked at the Mermaid Lounge in the champagne room, because she, of course, is the one stripper, who is actually only doing it to pay her way through school. She knows Damien, because he's a gentleman when he goes to the Mermaid Lounge. Powers did most of the game spitting at Karp and convinced him that she was going to go to a different firm so they could bang with no consequences. Then, after the sex, she is all like, "Hey, maybe I'll stay at Infeld Daniels and do family law. Cool beans." She really threw Karp for a loop on that one. Then she screwed the pooch on a real estate deal, so Karp has to fire her. But wait, she actually didn't screw the pooch, some nerd with glasses did, so she is now getting offered a full-time position. She loves the sex so she turns down the high paying gig at Infeld Daniels to take a lower offer so she can still date Karp. Lady lawyers who used to be strippers have a very tough time finding suitable bachelors, so this was a very wise decision on Alyssa's part. Had she not made that decision, she probably would have been number one, because she actually asserted herself, which is usually something only a man does in these shows. Still, good work Alyssa. Let's hope you have a better fate than Bash's Lady Cop.

4. Jared Franklin - They are competing against Commander Puckett. Franklin totally called him Commander Suck It. YES! That is a burn, but if anybody said that about my favorite baseball player growing up who shared that same last name, I would end their life. Kirby is sacred. Jared is thinking outside the box to try to get Captain Vaughn to make a misstep. Luckily, he has YouTube on his side where Vaughn takes about women being weak. Little known fact, 90% of lawyering happens on YouTube.

5. Mike Ross - Mike totally called out Donna. Nobody has ever called out Donna in the history of the universe. Then he makes Donna do the right thing, because him not being a real lawyer is not as bad as signing documents. That leads to drama, and Donna losing her job, so nice job, dickface. Then Mike finds out that the tennis player is getting physically abused by his father, but it turns out that was just a ploy by the agent. Mike finds out in time and does the right thing. Still, his biggest contribution on this episode may have been spilling coffee to save Harvey from committing perjury.


6. Damien Karp - Damien has a crush on a summer associate. It turns out that she was just this stripper he knew. We find out about him going to strip clubs, but he was always a gentleman. This bothered me, as it was way more fun to hate Karp and see an occasional decent quality out of him. Now, he is primarily a good guy, who occasionally realizes he hates Franklin and Bash. Karp acts like a bumbling fool, but then totally gives Powers his "power" in the backseat of her car. He promptly apologizes for the meal bloating him so he wasn't showing as much abs as usual. Then, he saves his new lady's job, so he doesn't have a guilty conscience. He played by her rules, so there is no way I can put him in the top five for that.

7. Hanna Linden - She was a JAG. That show was awful. It paled in comparison to Pensacola: Wings of Gold. Hanna is actually helping out Franklin and Bash, but then she goes back to her office to show that she has 52 pages of dirt on Franklin and Bash. Why is she helping then? In the end, she shows that she has a soft spot for them by deleting her Franklin and Bash scandals file. I honestly hope that she would make that public, because that may be the best 52 pages of anything written ever.

8. Jessica Pearson - Jessica took me for a rollercoaster ride. She lost major points for searching for a settlement. But then, when she finds out that the plea deal means that Harvey is gone, she changes her tune. She plays to win, so she will defend Harvey since she believes in him. She put Hardman in his place and asserted herself as top dog in the office. Nice work, toots.

9. Commander Puckett - I love how every lawyer that Franklin and Bash compete against completely underestimates Franklin and Bash. Franklin and Bash have not lost a meaningful case in two years, maybe you should give them a little respect at this point. But, no, Commander Puckett is supremely confident that he is going to take these civilian nerds to military school. He promptly loses.

10. Stanton Infeld - Best Infeld lie of the episode was that he met the son of Jack the Ripper, whose name was also Jack. He also approves of parties with the summer associates. Stanton did at least win a case for Pindar by being annoying.

Honorable Mention:

Louis Litt - Louis is a cat person, which is not shocking at all. Unfortunately, his cat died right as he introduced it to the world. At least he got a signed tennis ball out of the deal.

Daniel Hardman - Daniel totally reams Harvey for being reckless. But then gets owned by Jessica, because she ain't taking shit from nobody. With this weak performance, Hardman does not deserve to be in all caps this week.

Allison - She has lost three cases in 14 years, which makes her the worst lawyer that has ever been on one of these shows. But she insults Jessica's dress, so she gets hired. Then she goes toe-to-toe with Donna, and it turns out all of her questions are randomly right on, but Donna doesn't take shit from people, so she just leaves, because lawsuits are boring. Then she wants the firm to cut Harvey loose, and that is all it takes to lose your job with Pearson Hardman. She didn't play to win, so there was no choice but to put her in with the honorable mentions.

Harold - Poor Harold is getting abused, because he can't handle Louis's cats. Don't worry; he will definitely be sexing Rachel soon enough.

Franklin & Bash/Suits Power Rankings: Week 5

Programming Note: These will probably be going up early on Tuesday to get everyone primed for the upcoming week of lawyers who play by their own rules.


Now with that out of the way, let's focus on the real news. There was a hot tub scene in Franklin and Bash. This is very important. There were bikini-clad babes just hanging out. Franklin and Bash were too busy drinking and lawyering to join them, but this was still the most important two seconds that either show has had this season. This was a very great week for lawyers who play by their own rules, so remember, just making the list is an honor. For last week's rankings, click here. Now onto this week's rankings:


1. Harvey Specter - Harvey got pissed at Mike for making fun of The Spinners, so he sold him off to Louis. His shining moment was when he told Tanner to move to the corner of 81st and Kiss My Ass. I do not think that is a real address, but hopefully we will find out in future episodes whether Tanner moved there. Harvey decides to get Donna to do his dirty work. Then he gets replaced by new General Counsel. But he totally goes after Coastal Motors head honcho, because he's fired and all bets are off when you fire Harvey. Even with the settlement that Harvey made them do, Tanner is still coming after him. Harvey plans on burying Tanner, but, um, let's just say that things are going to get real next week.


2. Peter Bash - Peter is not happy, because he gets stuck defending Sal due to Franklin having to have his chicken and waffles. He did have an awesome quote of, "I have also seen all of the Fast and Furious movies outside of Tokyo Drift," which is something that Bash and I have in common. This episode should have been called Unrequited Love, because they said it about 75 times. They have become legendary trial lawyers according to their shadowing law student. Most importantly, we found out Bash got fired from an old job for banging the boss's daughter. That is SO Bash. And yes, it appears that Bash is definitely back.


3. Travis Tanner - He's trying to sue Harvey for fraud, and he's going to take $46 million from one of Harvey's clients to top it off. He is also rhyming his sentences while putting Harvey in his place. He left Harvey speechless after he visited the lady who used to work for Coastal Motors; that is a pretty rare occurrence. Even after Harvey does the right thing and gets the family the money from Coastal Motors, Tanner decides that he is still going after Harvey, just to be a dick. He has no moral compass, and that is something that gets respect on this list. 


4. Louis Litt - Louis is getting shut down by HARDMAN to start off the episode. But Louis got Mike Ross to work for him, so that's all good. Then he bans him from sex. That is one hell of a power move. He goes all out for Liquid Water, and even used his own emotion to help him relate to the Durham Foods guy who can't get a promotion. You could make the argument that Louis showed heart, but let's face it, Louis showed guile. He tried to help out Harvey, but Harvey turned him down. Bad move, Harvey, because Louis is a snake, so he recorded Harvey's conversation and informed HARDMAN of everything going on. To top it off, he is going to get revenge on Mike Ross for lying to him. This was an extremely strong week for Louis.


5. Jared Franklin - As I stated earlier, he loves chicken and waffles. He wants to pick sexy ladies for the jury, because sexy ladies love Franklin and Bash. Heard that, playa. But this is also why he hates their legal student shadow girl, Bonnie. She has glasses and is a real stick in the mud. There are a lot of girls that Franklin and Bash could make Prom Queen of Law School, but her, she's got glasses, so there is no chance that she could win (Please make this an episode, benevolent writers of Franklin and Bash). "No Diesel, no fun," was definitely the best quote of the episode and a motto I live every day by. In the end, they tricked DA Hewitt into doing exactly what they wanted. Sure, their client still beat the shit out of three dudes, but jury selection is all that matters, and uh, like, love and stuff.


6. Mike Ross - He's so depressed about working with Louis that he begs Harvey to take him back, but Harvey had bigger fish to fry. Also, Harold now thinks he bangs Donna. He also went over all the files and found the missing piece of the big fraud by Coastal Motors. And Mike also helped them have a win for Liquid Foods, while making a new friend in Louis. Unfortunately, that friendship lasted all of five minutes as he lied to Louis and now Louis wants to kill his unborn children. On top of all of that, he forgot about the hot paralegal, Rachel, and the next guy in these rankings might be filling the hole he left behind.


7. Harold - He starts off the episode by macking on Rachel, the hot paralegal. Holler. He totally got her a stapler. Then she opens her desk and we find out that she has a dozen staplers. Most people viewed this as Harold getting owned by Rachel, but I see it completely different. Clearly, Rachel has some sort of mental handicap. Why wouldn't she ask for staples or post-its, or a pen? Something she could actually use. Harold, this is your time to shine, I expect you to be banging Rachel by the end of the month.


8. Bonnie - She is so nerdy. And really, what a dog, with those glasses and whatnot. Plus, she believes in lawyering with heart, not logic. But this needs to be mentioned, she had the most ridiculous line in the history of the show. In reference to them wooing her, she said, "It's a seller's market." NO. NO. NO. It is the opposite of a seller's market. Expecting a law degree to get you a great lawyer job is like wearing a Burger King crown and expecting to run a country. 


9. Stanton Infeld - I am not 100% sure that Stanton even owns a car. He seems like a crazy homeless man that just wanders the streets all day. President Clinton's Supreme Court Justice Search Team; that may be Infeld's best lie of the season. Although mad props for saying the first gun he ever had, given to him when he was six years old, was from his father and originally taken off a Nazi soldier. I would have found it more believable had he just said that he shit a rainbow in stall number two in the company bathroom. 


10. Daniel Hardman - HARDMAN is pulling power moves on Louis. He also extended an olive branch to Harvey, but there is no way to know what his end game is. In the end, he is still trying to get Louis on his side, and HARDMAN found out what they were hiding. He was super pissed, but then he decided that they all needed to work together to conquer this as a team. Although his blow-up was manly, he seems to want to play within the rules which is a huge knock in these rankings.


Honorable Mention:


Janie Ross - I am putting her in to let ladies know to not have sex with Peter Bash. You will disappear afterwards. Hopefully, Janie can make a comeback and not end up like Cop Girlfriend, may God show mercy for her soul.


Hanna Linden - Hanna actually gave some real advice about picking ladies for the jury. Then she was demeaned when talking about love because Franklin assumed that she was hitting on him.


Jessica Pearson - She's putting Harvey in his place and telling him to clean up his shit before they have to deal with HARDMAN. Then she realizes she must work with the HARDMAN for the sake of the company. This was actually a much better week for women than what we have seen in the past, but Hanna and Jessica just did not have enough screen time to crack the top ten. 


DA Hewitt - He let Franklin and Bash use all of their jury challenges before they knew that they had to change their whole defense. But he fell for their shenanigans in the end, and Miss Kiki will clearly bury his case and leave him with nothing but his dick in his hand. 


Black Gay Lawyer Guy - Probably attending the MIT Sloan Conference, because he is the most progressive character in television history, and that just seems like something he would do. I already miss this guy. Please come back.

Franklin & Bash/Suits Power Rankings: Week 3

Another week without a hot tub scene at the Franklin/Bash party house. Meanwhile, it was party night for the ladies of Pearson Hardman. If those ladies could go to law school/pass the bar, they would make these rankings. But these rankings are only for lawyers who play by their own rules. For last week's rankings, click here. Now onto Week 3 of the rankings:

1. Harvey Specter - This was a rough start as he initially got schooled by the head of nurses (who used to run the town of Harlan, Kentucky), and not in the sexy way. Then HARDMAN owns him and tries to take over the case, but Harvey tells him to stop acting like a rookie before dropping the best line of the episode, "The only thing there is a zero chance of is me losing." That's Grade A arrogance right there. Harvey and HARDMAN have intense interactions, but Harey really owned his bitch ass in every one of them by always getting the last word in. Then he did shady shit and screwed over the nurses for working too hard. Mike got sad, but Harvey straight up owned those nurses in the end. 

2. Jared Franklin - Although he managed to not make contact with anything and scratch when trying to break in pool, he was interacting with girls, which got him his swagger back. That led to him being a Judge Pro Tem. Unfortunately, that led to him breaking Stoner Dude's heart. Although it was never explicitly stated (which was disappointing) Franklin got a little thing called LEEWAY and let old Mazzani sing a song for his testimony. That is rock and roll. Also, something that makes no sense to me is that everyone always make a huge deal out of him going against his Dad, but as far as I can tell, he never loses to the guy.

3. Peter Bash - Another benefactor of the party, seducing ladies with a little Hall and Oates (yeah, he totally forgot that he has a cop girlfriend. This is classic Zack Morris as ladies just seem to disappear after being romantically involved with him). Also, showed excellent knowledge of NSYNC, as their second album was a great piece of work. Bash is going after Cole for the heart of rock and roll. If there is one thing Bash loves to do, it's shred. That is why he throws a party just so people have to listen to him play his music. Power outage? No biggie, he'll play an unplugged concert.

4. Mr. Franklin - This man would murder puppies to win a case, and although that is an awful thing to do, that is a trait that should be respected. Even when the man loses, his client still ends up filthy rich. Bravo.

5. Hardcore Lawyer Lady - She owns Mazzani's in the small claims court, and then gets ousted for a man. This was not a flattering episode for the ladies. This lady wins the case, and her client responds by bringing in the Big Daddy lawyer for his real trial. We'll get to more evidence of lack of lady respect later on. Still, Hardcore Lawyer Lady, you get props from me.

6. Louis Litt - Louis wants Harvard to believe that he can make people shit rainbows. And he wants everyone at work to know that he's the hardest worker at the firm. And then Louis went out and proved it. He did all of the rookies work in one night to show his dominance over them. His dominance was great, but he was picking on rookies. He needs to move to the big boy table if he wants to rise higher on these rankings.

7. Daniel Hardman - HARDMAN interrupts whenever he feels like it, because HARDMAN is a man to be respected. HARDMAN goes behind Harvey's back and straight up owns the court room. Still, Harvey gets the best of him in the end, which is the main cause for his heavy drop in the rankings. He slightly redeems himself when he makes everybody feel bad, because his wife died. That's a classic pity maneuver; I use it all the time with the ladies.

8. Mike Ross - Mike got used in this episode and pulled no tail. He's being a nice guy to his one-day girlfriend, Rachel, the hot paralegal. Mike better watch his back, because if Rachel passes the bar, that makes her eligible for this list, and she has a very good chance of ranking higher than him. Hot girl bonus points carry a lot of weight around these parts. On top of all of that, Mike didn't want to get his hands dirty when it came to the nurses. I don't want my hands clean when it comes to nurses. Know what I'm saying? (High five)


9. Stanton Infeld - I think every week I will point out my favorite lie from Infeld. This week it is definitely when he was talking about hanging out with Rod Stewart. Infeld reminds me of my buddy who constantly lies, but we are all so tired of arguing with him that we just let it slide. Still, the most ridiculous thing from this episode was when he called Pindar, who was working on this case as a lawyer for the defense, to be a witness. The judge is all like, yeah this guy has been on the case the entire time, but if you take him off real quick, he's a credible witness. That's shit that a judge would only do for Franklin and Bash. It's a little thing they made famous in the first season called LEEWAY. I fucking love leeway. Although it didn't get a win in the case, that was never the goal, he did cure Pindar. That's good lawyering and an excellent use of playing by your own rules.

10. Pindar Singh - I have made my feelings towards Pindar very clear. I hate him. I have to admit, though, he started off so strong in this episode, macking on his lady friend, but then he had to Pindar it up and be the worst when his doctor turned out to be a scam artist. Then he's back to passing out at in court. Somehow, by the end of the episode, he touched a girl, learned that cooties aren't real, and then kissed a girl. I still hate Pindar, but I needed to get these thoughts out.

Dropped From Rankings:
Eric Jango - Broing it up.

Ted Rossi - Dudeing it up.

Paul Porter - Playing with himself as he admires the bowtie rack he got last week.

Damien Karp - He really mailed it in for this episode. Here is a complete summary of his one scene:

Stanton Infeld - You're on this case for a shady psychiatrist.
Damien Karp - We can't win.
Stanton Infeld - Okay. I'll take Pindar.
Damien Karp - Whatevs.

And we never saw Karp again.

And although these ladies dropped off the rankings last week, I still feel the need to address them:

Hanna Linden - She actually got involved in the case with Infeld and Pindar, yet barely made more of an impact than Damien. She touched Pindar; Infeld could have just had a stripper on his legal team who could have performed the same duties. It was a really bad week for the ladies...

Jessica Pearson - ...especially the black ladies. She's basically an angry teenager at this point. "Harvey, do this, or I'm gonna be really mad at you." And then he'll do the opposite. She basically has no power with HARDMAN back. Did I mention how awful of a week this was for the ladies? Sorry, but you ladies need to stop playing by the rules, because the dudes don't give a fuck about rules.