Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts

Monday, March 10, 2014

How I Grew Up And Became a Progressive Thinking Dude

When it comes to life, I'm an idiot. I have made ridiculously bad and irresponsible decisions my entire life. The only thing I am pretty intelligent about is sports, and that, in itself, is stupid. I'm not making a living off my sports knowledge, and the amount of time I spend invested in sports is really ridiculous, because in the grand scheme, they are pointless. Still, I am aware that this aspect will probably never change no matter how much logic tells me it should.

What really got me thinking about what an idiot I am was my progression to be less of an idiot when it comes to women. If you had talked to me ten years ago, my thoughts on women were basically about the same as a Neanderthal. I quoted Andrew Dice Clay as if he made good points. Come to think of it, I wasn't much better five years ago. I started liking girls as human beings, but I still felt the Entourage bros had life figured out. But now, typing that sentence makes me sick to my stomach. That's what I call progress.

When I first graduated college, I had a job where I very much disliked my female boss. I was under the impression that women didn't make good bosses. Now I realize that this was stupid, as she was just a bad boss and could have easily been as bad had she been a male. I was a know-it-all shithead, so part of the blame goes on me.

Then I started working with some very impressive ladies, and I realized I do not care whether I work with women or men. With guys, I can talk about sports, or things get really awkward. With women, I can talk about The Bachelor, but even if they don't watch that, they tend to laugh at my jokes more. Maybe it's because I am good looking. That's sexist, but it's either that or I am actually funny, which makes me arrogant, so pick your poison.

Anyway, I got married in September, and now I am a huge fan of women's rights. My wife has succeeded in a male-dominated industry, and that's awesome. She's super cool, and I like love her and shit. But none of this is a big deal, because I would hope that most people share my opinion that women should be treated equally in the work place.

Lately, people have pointed out how comfortable I am with non-traditional things. I let my wife go out on dates with other guys. When it is printed like that, it sounds pretty bad, but she has worked in a male-dominated industry for ten years, so she has a lot of friends that are guys. I understand that people think it's weird, but logically, it just makes sense to me. She gets a free meal, which saves money, and I get some alone time with the dog, so win-win. I think the biggest thing that people would worry about is her cheating on me, but this isn't a concern of mine. First off, I trust my wife. Second, I am way too lazy to keep track of her at all times, so if she wants to cheat, she can find a way to do so without me knowing. I am not an observant person, so she could probably get away with it forever.

The other thing that has come up recently is her changing her last name. When we first got engaged, she joked about keeping her last name, and I was adamant that she was going to have my last name. This was only about a year ago, but I have done a 180 on this issue. It's a really silly thing for the woman to take a wife's name, as it basically seems to be done to show ownership, but it's also a tradition which is why I thought it mattered. I definitely don't own my woman, and I also don't think her last name has any effect on the strength of our relationship so it stopped mattering to me. Also, it seems like a real hassle for ladies to change their names on everything. With that being said, she chose to take my last name, but it was after I failed at convincing her that it was a waste of time. She wanted that tradition, which is also totally cool by me.

All of these events helped me realize that I am becoming a progressive dude. It is partially because I don't care about things that don't matter or that I can't control, but at least it gets me to the proper mindset. I understand that I am still not the most progressive thinker in the world, and in ten years, I will probably realize how stupid I was about a variety of other issues, but at least I'm taking positive steps. Going from an ignorant piece of shit to a human being is pretty cool.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Diamonds Are Expensive

So I went to the diamond store this weekend, and I found out that tiny diamonds carry a big price tag. Like, I knew that diamonds were expensive, but holy shit, I will not be icing out my grill anytime soon at those prices. I might CZ my grill, because those are dirt cheap and look exactly like diamonds. Basically, I don't understand diamonds. This is an evil ploy by De Beers; that's for sure. The diamonds I was looking at didn't even have children's blood on it, and you best believe I want me a blood diamond (I never saw that movie, so I'm just assuming it involved children's blood).

Diamonds? More like Dumbonds. AMIRITE?

Monday, December 31, 2012

The 10 Saddest #PerksOfDatingMe

The hashtags on Twitter are really what make it go round. Sure, you can find meaningful and interesting content producers on Twitter, but what fun is that? Hashtags encourage idiots to share their thoughts, and that is why it is such a great medium. Very few people sit around thinking about what the perks of a person dating them would be, but then they see #PerksOfDatingMe trending on Twitter, and it is damn near impossible for them to not share their thoughts on the subject. Here are 10 saddest #PerksOfDatingMe, because there really is no way to rank this sort of sadness.
I assume that many ladies would get really irritated by this. Imagine trying to explain something and every fourth word, this asshole starts kissing you while you're trying to talk. I assume that this guy gets kneed in the groin a lot.
Do people have nothing to offer these days? Are they such pathetic individuals that the best they can offer is their thickest clothing? That's the best you got? And what do you do after you have given your girlfriend all of your hoodies? She will be super warm, and you will be worthless to the world.
Hey, ladies. You have friends? You like going out with them? This guy doesn't, so let him ruin your social life. You can spend every weekend on the couch and become stagnant pieces of shit, instead of, you know, living. Get in line for this one, ladies.
...By murdering you in front of all of your family and friends. Remember ladies, he only does it because he cares so much about you.
No shit, dude. You're a real downer. And why do people think that being undesirable is a quality? That is the opposite of quality. That's like bragging about never worrying about starvation, because you're willing to eat shit even though nobody else is. Jack Mull, you are the shit eating of the dating scene.
This one really wore me down. A man can only read so much douchiness before it really makes him hate the world. There is so much that is pathetic about this tweet, but nothing will be sadder when he comes back with Playtex flavored ice cream and cherry pudding pops for her monthly.
Text from Grandma: I think I'm having a heart attack. Please help.
Dream Chaser thinks, "That's nice G-ma, but you'll have to wait until tomorrow. I'm 'bout to text my boo about what type of buttons I should get on my jeans.
Because all ladies want their man to have no faith in them to the point that they will break into their phone and then program it, so they can stalk them in both regular and cyberspace. This is the type of person who loves you so much that he will one day wear your skin.
This one is not nearly as depressing as the others, but it really angers me, because she totally messes up the form of the joke. It should end with "After that, it's just you and me...and my Grandma." Ending it with and my... makes no sense. What should the guy expect you to say after that pause? Tits? Butthole? Credit Card? Nobody expects that. Learn how to properly form a joke.
I know I have been having fun at these people's expense, but let's be real for a second. Quinetta, you poor thing. What you tweeted here is not good. If a guy treats you like a princess, and you treat him like a king. That means that you will be treating him like your Dad. Was he not around much? That's too bad, but calling your boyfriend Daddy and making him read you bedtime stories isn't going to change the past. Come on, let's take a step forward and never look back. You'll be better off for it.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

All 13 Pranks In the Movie, The Prankster

I love teen comedies. I am not going to deny this. Most of them are god awful, but I cannot help but watch every single one that I come across. Teen comedies are my second favorite genre of film, right behind Vin Diesel movies. Nobody can top the Diesel. But teen comedies are easier to write about, as I have done so with Frat Party, MILF, and College. In this one, there is a group of diverse individuals who are The Pranksters. They perform really funny tricks on people who deserve it, because although they have a good sense of humor, they are noble and shit too. I am going to go over every prank in the movie to show how you how funny these dudes (and dudette) are.

Prank 1:
Their first prank is a real knee slapper. They alter the mic so the Dean (of their high school) has a super high pitched voice. Then they manage to drop down a big button that says "Do Not Press The Button." The Dean is so pissed about his mic that he presses the button. BIG MISTAKE. A giant screen drops down that has a fat black woman dancing on the screen in skimpy clothing. Everyone in the high school is rolling on the floor laughing, because fat people + skimpy clothing + minorities = major giggles.

Prank 2:
They put a fake name on a teacher's roll call. The teacher tries taking attendance for a Mungus, a Hugh Mungus! Great job, fellas.

Prank 1 by The Jocks:
I guess I should include the pranks by The Jocks as well, even though they are mean spirited and definitely NOT funny like The Pranksters. The jocks don't even look like jocks. It's just a fat kid, two nerdy buddies, and a 30 year-old black dude who wears a gold chain. I decided to look up the black guy and his name is Big Spence. This is important, because Big Spence acted in a movie called Tetherball: The Movie. Here is the poster for Tetherball: The Movie.
Yep, Ron Jeremy, Screech, and Dan "The Beast" Severn. Why did nobody tell me this movie existed?

Anyway, back to the jock prank. They pull down one of the Prankster's shorts, which is ONLY funny if the Harlem Globetrotters do it. When the Globetrotters do it, I have trouble breathing, because I start laughing so hard that I can get the air to go out, but I can't get the air to come back in, because of all the laughs that I am having.

Prank 3:
To get back at the jocks, they messed with the fat kid by altering his driver's test simulation. At first, they just made him fail, but then they made him run over children before getting launched into outer space. He was dodging the simulated space lasers, which was soooooooooooooo funny. He was super pissed when he found out it was The Pranksters who did it.

Prank 4:
They had the girl Prankster write a love letter to the Dean that was from the French teacher. Then they wrote a love letter to the French teacher from the Dean. This is the first cliffhanger prank, but don't worry, major laughs are forthcoming when we get to Prank 8.

Prank 5:
They change an article about the hot cheerleader from a story to her being a Senior Superstar to it being a question whether she is real or store bought? HA! That is rich. The hot cheerleader screams when she sees the article, which is another point in the movie where we laugh at how funny it is.

Prank 6:
The fat jock was named Lettermen of the Week which excited him. Then he opened his locker and The Pranksters made a flyer that said LetterWOMEN of the Week, where guys heads were put on women's bodies, which is hella demeaning and hilarious. Then fat kid started getting turned on by the picture of him in a bikini. That is GROSS but also very funny.

Prank 7:
They brought the pranks to a new level with their fake names for roll call. The first one was a lady with the name Yerkoff, Ivana Yerkoff. Say it fast, you'll get it. Got it? HILARIOUS! The next one's last name is Wang. First name is Long. LONG WANG! That's so funny it's stupid! If you have not had enough laughs, the last student is Dick Hertz. Man, I was laughing so hard that I nearly missed out on the teacher asking, "Who's Dick Hertz?" Five guys raised their hands which just added to the greatness of the joke.

Prank 2 by The Jocks:
Blotto, the fat kid, gives one of The Pranksters a swirlie for revenge on him being good at basketball. It was a real jerk maneuver. He was also the fat douche in Frat Party which I have reviewed before. In other celebrity news, the star quarterback played the high school student that Dee tried to bang on an episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Still, not a cool move, jocks, or should I say JERKS.

Prank 8:
They are going to release balloons at the talent show. Sounds pretty tame, huh? What if I were to tell you that these balloons were filled with SLIME? Yeah, they were, and it was total chuckles all the way around. On top of that, The Dean bangs the French teacher right behind the curtain at the back of the stage. This sounds pretty hot and sexual, but it's major laughs once one of The Pranksters pulls the curtain open so everyone can see them The Dean getting frisky with the French teacher's downstairs.

Prank 9:
The Dean gives himself a motivational speech in front of a mirror so he can bang the French teacher. Little does he know that it's a two-way mirror, so The Pranksters videotape him doing this. You'll never guess what happens next. They show the tape to everybody! That shit was cray cray and funnier than Funyuns...Funyuns that tell jokes.

Prank 10:
They try to get the fictional character of Dick Hertz nominated as Student Body President. This is maybe the funniest laughs that were laughed during the tenth prank of this movie...PSYCH! The funniest laughs that were ever laughed were when it turns out that there was a new transfer student whose real name was...DICK HERTZ! That's side-splitting comedy, and I may have gotten a hernia from laughing so hard.

Prank 11:
The Student President is a nerdy pest throughout this entire movie. He is competing with one of the Pranksters for best grades in their class. He wins some award at the end and is giving a speech. I was really disappointed, because it looked like the nerdy guy won. Then they blasted a really loud fart noise through the speakers. Nerdy kid was distraught. I was too busy laughing to care.

Prank 12:
The main guy announced that he was a Prankster during his speech which should have meant that he wouldn't get his diploma, but then everybody in the crowd started announcing that they, too, were Pranksters. This was not a prank for laughs. This was a prank for honor and respect. Mad props Pranksters.

Prank 13:
They had fireworks shoot out of the lights,which was another really nice moment. Then they flew a model airplane at the Dean, which was a super hilarious moment, because The Dean was TERRIFIED. Great job, Pranksters.


Yes, all of these pranks actually happened. And that didn't even give me time to mention that The Dean also teaches gym class. You really need to see it for yourself. Be sure to watch this movie while sitting on the floor, as you may roll off your couch/chair/bed and hurt yourself from all the intense laughs.