Goldust Was The Original PUA

Goldust is one of the most fascinating characters in WWE history. As a child, he was just seen as a weird queer, mostly because that is how Jerry Lawler referred to him most times, and children think Jerry Lawler has a lot of good insight. But man, looking back, Goldust is probably the most complex character in WWE history. That guy was an onion, and after peeling back all of the layers, at his core, he is not a "queer," he's actually the original pickup artist.

Goldust's first vignette was in front of a big-time Hollywood building. The problem with this was that the building had a giant Looney Tunes banner on the wall, and it really took me out of the moment. It's especially sad, because the WWE clearly did this with a green screen, and that is what they chose to use. Still, one week later, Jerry Lawler claimed that the debut of Goldust blew up the internet. I believe this is probably the first noted case of an athlete blowing up the internet, and this was 1995, so it may be the first thing that ever blew up the internet. Blowing up the internet is one of the greatest examples of a demonstration of higher value (DHV) that are essential in the world of pickup artists.

Unfortunately, I couldn't find that vignette on YouTube, but I was able to find his second one that was on Raw a week later. Let's take a look:

This is textbook PUA material right here. First, he opens it up with a quote from a movie. In Season 2 of the Pickup Artist, literally half of the openers that they used were, "What movie is this from? 'Nobody puts baby in the corner.'" Movie quotes are the backbone of any true PUAs pickup gambits.

Then he goes into a diatribe about magic and mystery, where gold only sheds light as opposed to darkness. If he were to use this line to a girl who was wearing any sort of dark color, it's basically the perfect neg that will have her begging for his approval.

Finally, that outfit. Man, there isn't a PUA who wouldn't be jealous about the extent that Goldust is able to peacock. He is wearing gold suit jacket with a bowtie and top hat. Right there, he's got top level peacocking working for him, but then to top it off with a long blonde wig, face paint, and black lipstick? That is truly next level. Imagine if you were a pickup artist, and you were wearing your freshest peacocking gear, and then you see Goldust at the bar? You're done. You have to leave the bar, and you may have to leave the state just to make sure you never run into the true master ever again.

He was more mysterious and flamboyant than homosexual, although he did like to toe that line. He had an in-ring interview with Vince McMahon where Goldust asked, "Is that another microphone in your pants or are you just happy to see me?" One of the great obstacles that PUAs face is the Alpha Male Of Group (AMOG), and Goldust just disarmed a legendary AMOG in Vince McMahon. Once you disarm the AMOG, it's easy to begin kino escalation with your target. It was true PUA brilliance.

I understand that many of you may be skeptical, but you must admit it is a little weird that it takes three seconds for a pin, and Mystery came up with the three second rule to approach a girl within three seconds. I see this as an homage from Mystery to his hero, the original PUA, Goldust.

Finally, this should kill any doubts you may have, as the proof is in the pudding.

Game recognize game.

Breaking Down "Elderly Game"

Researching the Pickup Artist (PUA) Community is truly one of the best and worst things in the world. There are a lot of times where you will find something so ridiculous that you will find yourself laughing about it days later.

There are other things that remind you that PUAs are basically the worst human beings in the world. Seriously, people make fun of Juggalos, but PUAs are so much worse. I could slam some Faygo and party with Juggalos; hanging out with PUAs may be the worst experience of my life. The release of a book called Day Bang has made me dive back into this dark, sad world where many of the people involved actually think that women are far more evil than Hitler.

Day Bang introduced something called "Elderly Game" as its backbone for seducing women during the day. My ears perked up like I was a dog about to go for a walk when I heard about it. Elderly game is talking to people like you're an elderly person. A better name for it would be "Seinfeld Game," because the main point behind it is making observations and talking to people about them. Here are some examples.

“Beautiful day.”
“Those shoes look comfortable."
"That's nice; where did you get that?"
“Hello.”

That's it. That's all there is to it. I have to say I was a little disappointed, but at least I got to post that picture of Mystery going undercover. Earlier I said "Seinfeld Game" might be a better name for "Elderly Game." The best name is "Human Being Game." If you talk to people like they are human beings, they will probably respond in kind. Of course, if you naturally thing of women as being sluts, bitches, and lizards (that one I just learned about), then treating them like human beings is probably a pretty foreign idea.

"Elderly Game" was pretty disappointing. The only thing unintentionally hilarious about it is the name for it, but they do get bonus points for encouraging men to treat women like human beings. Still, it loses major points for not pretending to be handicapped or removing one's teeth for sympathy bangs.

Grade: C-