A Comprehensive Breakdown of Values.com's "Dishes" Commercial

I was doing some reading with the TV on in the background this weekend, and all of a sudden, a commercial came on and caught my attention. The music was awful, but the scenes were absolutely amazing. It was made for Values.com, which, I don't totally understand how they make money, but good for them, because this commercial is wonderful.

Now let's go over the highlights and what we can learn from Values.com

Oh, yes! What a wonderful start. He awkwardly grabs for her hand, but she pulls away and ignores him. Great job by her with the Demonstration of Higher Value (DHV). Her DHV showed that she has better places to be, and doesn't have time for that hand-holding bullshit. That is the face of a broken man.

Her problem is she doesn't stick to The Game, and immediately shows a DLV, demonstration of lower value, by trying to kiss him when he has his hands full and is talking on his cell phone. Listen lady, if you want him to become assistant manager at Staples, he's going to have to nail his printer paper demo today, and nothing will distract him from success.

Now I don't want to be the guy to say, "Bitches be crazy," but bitches be crazy. She's disappointed in him for sleeping. She thinks back to a fonder time when he was just part-time at Staples, and he never slept. Sure they were living in her parents' basement, but they had each other. Now he just sleeps in the house they inherited when her parents were killed in that Iditarod accident. It's not fair to her.

This is by far my favorite one. Wifey has bought a new dress, and she is feeling fresh. She can't wait to show her man. Luckily, he is walking by, but he ain't got time to give his opinion on that, and she is BROKEN, because he needed to text his buddy about the new girl, Alice, bringing plain when he asked for a glossy ream of paper.

Also, who texts with their middle finger? Was there an accident at Staples? Why is he not using the pointer or his thumbs? Honestly, this is the only behavior that should truly concern his wife.

The grand finale of the commercial is what truly ties everything together for these sociopaths.

When she dropped his phone in that water, I thought he was going to hit her. I thought I was about to see the most shocking domestic violence commercial of all time.

Then the final message of the commercial is to listen, but the problems were that they broke a device designed for listening, and they never actually managed to get any words out of their mouths. The lesson should have been Pay Attention, because those two were awful at paying attention to each other. The message also could've been Never Nap, because ladies hate napping husbands. Honestly, the ideal message would have been Use a Normal Finger When Texting on Your Phone, So You Don't Look Like A Damn Creep When You're Typing Away With Your Middle Finger Like a Dingus, and You'll Probably Drop Your Phone in Dishwater and Feel Like an Asshole and Have to Fight the Urge to Beat Your Wife.

But I guess that's just not as catchy.

Goldust Was The Original PUA

Goldust is one of the most fascinating characters in WWE history. As a child, he was just seen as a weird queer, mostly because that is how Jerry Lawler referred to him most times, and children think Jerry Lawler has a lot of good insight. But man, looking back, Goldust is probably the most complex character in WWE history. That guy was an onion, and after peeling back all of the layers, at his core, he is not a "queer," he's actually the original pickup artist.

Goldust's first vignette was in front of a big-time Hollywood building. The problem with this was that the building had a giant Looney Tunes banner on the wall, and it really took me out of the moment. It's especially sad, because the WWE clearly did this with a green screen, and that is what they chose to use. Still, one week later, Jerry Lawler claimed that the debut of Goldust blew up the internet. I believe this is probably the first noted case of an athlete blowing up the internet, and this was 1995, so it may be the first thing that ever blew up the internet. Blowing up the internet is one of the greatest examples of a demonstration of higher value (DHV) that are essential in the world of pickup artists.

Unfortunately, I couldn't find that vignette on YouTube, but I was able to find his second one that was on Raw a week later. Let's take a look:

This is textbook PUA material right here. First, he opens it up with a quote from a movie. In Season 2 of the Pickup Artist, literally half of the openers that they used were, "What movie is this from? 'Nobody puts baby in the corner.'" Movie quotes are the backbone of any true PUAs pickup gambits.

Then he goes into a diatribe about magic and mystery, where gold only sheds light as opposed to darkness. If he were to use this line to a girl who was wearing any sort of dark color, it's basically the perfect neg that will have her begging for his approval.

Finally, that outfit. Man, there isn't a PUA who wouldn't be jealous about the extent that Goldust is able to peacock. He is wearing gold suit jacket with a bowtie and top hat. Right there, he's got top level peacocking working for him, but then to top it off with a long blonde wig, face paint, and black lipstick? That is truly next level. Imagine if you were a pickup artist, and you were wearing your freshest peacocking gear, and then you see Goldust at the bar? You're done. You have to leave the bar, and you may have to leave the state just to make sure you never run into the true master ever again.

He was more mysterious and flamboyant than homosexual, although he did like to toe that line. He had an in-ring interview with Vince McMahon where Goldust asked, "Is that another microphone in your pants or are you just happy to see me?" One of the great obstacles that PUAs face is the Alpha Male Of Group (AMOG), and Goldust just disarmed a legendary AMOG in Vince McMahon. Once you disarm the AMOG, it's easy to begin kino escalation with your target. It was true PUA brilliance.

I understand that many of you may be skeptical, but you must admit it is a little weird that it takes three seconds for a pin, and Mystery came up with the three second rule to approach a girl within three seconds. I see this as an homage from Mystery to his hero, the original PUA, Goldust.

Finally, this should kill any doubts you may have, as the proof is in the pudding.

Game recognize game.