The 14 Worst Things About XWF Episode 2

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The 15 Worst Things About XWF Episode 1

The XWF was a short-lived wrestling organization in the early 2000s. It started in November 2001 which means it actually preceded the beginnings of TNA which did not start until June of 2002. Oh, but don't worry about overlap as the XWF was out of business by February of 2002. Honestly, early TNA looks a whole lot like the XWF. It is not good, but there are some good aspects of it. And luckily, they put three of their episodes on YouTube to be broken down. They pack a lot into 45 minutes, so buckle up, and if you'd like to check out the episode, it's embedded below.

Not everything was bad, so the beginning of the list will actually be positive. We take a downward spiral into negatives fairly quickly.

15. They Had The Brain
The best thing they did was get Curt Hennig and have him, not managed, but represented by agent, Bobby "The Brain" Heenan. I am extremely cynical towards this wrestling venture, but even I popped for this. Unfortunately, I'll talk about the match itself later.

14. Mean WHOOOOOOOO Gene
They also got Mean Gene Okerlund, and there is literally no way to fault them for that.

13. Hype Videos
Willie Nelson talks about how much he loves America with Hacksaw Jim Duggan for 20 seconds. It's inane and delightful. Johnny B. Badd does a ten-second promo, and it gets me so hyped. Norman Smiley does the same. They even got Gene Simmons to do one for The Demon. I don't actually see any of these guys wrestle on this episode, and honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if I don't see any of them wrestle at all in these episodes, but the POSSIBILITY has me very intrigued.

12. Talent Did Exist
A bunch of cruiserweights, led by the former Prince Iaukea, come knocking on Piper's door, so he invents a Cruiserweight Title for everyone to compete for. Piper says that people can be eliminated by pinfall, submission, or over the top rope, but everyone is thrown over the top rope, so it's just a Cruiserweight Battle Royal. That is bad, but the fact that they have Psicosis, Kid Kash, AJ Styles, Christopher Daniels, Juventud Guerrera, Low Ki (known as Quick Kick), and Prince Iaukea (known as The Tongan Prince) definitely saves it.

As I said, it's a Cruiserweight Battle Royal, so it's by far the best match on the show. The funniest part is that they pan away from the match to show Josh Matthews to hype him as the next big thing in the Cruiserweight division. Kid Kash wins the Battle Royal to become the first champion of the XWF.

11. A King On Leave
For the broadcast team, they got Tony Schiavone as their main play-by-play announcer which sounds bad, but for color, they had Jerry "The King" Lawler. Lawler quit the WWE for nine months when his wife, The Kat, got fired. This fit perfectly into that break of his. Lawler's commentary does not age well, because it's pretty horrifically offensive for today's world, but back then, you couldn't have gotten a more desired announcer.

10. A Perfectly Stupid Ending
Curt Hennig takes on Vampiro in the first episode main event. The match is fine until the end when Heenan gets a pair of brass knuckles. Before he can use them, Roddy Piper runs out and does this.

He hits Hennig, even though Hennig and Heenan never cheated. There was no proof that The Brain was going to use those brass knuckles for nefarious means; he might have just had cold knuckles. This injustice leads to Vampiro picking up the easy win.

9. Nasty Jimmy Forgot The Hammer
This was a company run by Brian Knobbs, Jimmy Hart, and Greg "The Hammer" Valentine. For the DVD set, they couldn't even get Valentine to say anything which should tell you a lot about the quality of this product. But they did get Knobbs and Hart, and they focused on wrestlers from the past, present, and future. I'll let you take a guess at which one of those categories this company is sorely lacking. They also said they didn't want any prima donnas, and then immediately bragged about signing Hulk Hogan.

8. Authority Figures
Sable is the CEO, but she is just known by her first name, Rena. Sable was never great at speaking, but she did a hell of a job memorizing her lines as she actually sounds like she has a purpose in her words. But she only speaks for a minute before introducing the commissioner, "Rowdy" Roddy Piper. Why did they need two authority figures immediately? Because..., um, shrug emoji. Piper said he'll deal with the wrestlers, and she can deal with the money. I really hope they do some vignettes of Sable crunching the numbers.

7. Is Buff Enough?
The first match, to pop off the crowd, and set the tone for this new wrestling venture, is Big Vito vs. Buff Bagwell. I love Buff Bagwell, but this is exactly the match that you would expect.

6. Party Marty vs. Tall Hulk Hogan

The second match of the card is Marty Jannetty, who does not appear to be intoxicated, taking on some dude named Hail. He's 6'10" 340 pounds and couldn't wrestle his way out of a wet paper bag. He beats Jannetty, but the fact that a guy built like Hail never got a shot in the WWE shows how worthless he was in the ring. This is the first match that highlights the XWF's Hulk Hogan strategy. The XWF brought in every variation of Hulk Hogan to see if they could create a new Hulk Hogan. They had a fetish for giant buff dudes who were balding or completely bald and couldn't wrestle. They looked at professional wrestling, saw Hulk Hogan, loved Hulk Hogan, wanted to produce an entire organization of Hulk Hogans. Their big issue was that they forgot the most important ingredient of Hulk Hogan, and that is charisma. Despite failing to look for that, they would end up with one Hulk Hogan, but that was when they brought in Hulk Hogan.

5. Nasty Boys vs. Hulk Hogan Twins

The Nasty Boys take on The Shane Twins. You're not going to believe this, but the Shane Twins are giant buff dudes who can barely move. The Shane Twins win, but the Nasty Boys start beating on them, only to be stopped by The Road Warriors.

4. British Hulk Hogan Takes On Hulk Hogan's Nephew

Horace Hogan vs. Ian Harrison basically proved that their strategy in finding stars is finding guys who had lots of muscles and the wrestling talent would be secondary at best. British Hogan vs. Hogan Relative saw the foreigner coming out on top.

3. WXF?
This is the XWF secondary logo.

There is no human being alive who wouldn't guess that this company is called the WXF.

2. When Nasty Gets Nice
The end of this video, when they go back to director's commentary, is goddamn insane. Brian Knobbs only knows how to speak one way, and it's fast and loud. He was getting all hyped about the Nasty Boys feuding with The Road Warriors, but then he decided it was time to be serious. This is that moment.

He's still talking fast and loud, but he's combining that with some somber notes as he talks about the death of Hawk and Curt Hennig. They may have not wanted to combine all of the recap in one take, but two takes are for prima donnas.

1. Xcitement
XWF stands for Xcitement Wrestling Federation. I have nothing more to add.

The Ultimate WWE Fantasy Draft - Part Three

With Smackdown moving to a live show on Tuesdays, there are plenty of rumors about an upcoming brand split for the WWE. Instead of waiting for the WWE to pull off a disappointing draft routine, the ultimate tag team, Lukewarm Jonah and Hott Joe, came together this past week to have an old fashioned WWE Fantasy Draft. Our goal is to create the best possible roster to create a successful, moneymaking product.

Some things to know before we get started is that you draft guys for what they are likely to do in the future. The Rock is in this draft, but you don't get to draft him as a full-time wrestler, but he can be used 1-2 times a year to talk for a half hour and boost ratings. Another thing is that wrestlers automatically got their managers with them, so Miz comes with Maryse. Also, tag teams must be taken in pairs, and they must be taken with the first of your two back-to-back picks since we did a snake draft. For New Day, they would take up the person's next three picks, but they would stay together. And to create this list, we used the list of WWE personnel on Wikipedia, so our main roster included 118 picks. And that does not include NXT Superstars (Supplemental Draft) or Mr. McMahon, who is ominpresent for our purposes.

Since Jonah is a true gentleman, he offered me the first pick, and from there, we will have two picks each through the rest of the draft. We did part one earlier this week, and followed that up with part two yesterday, so let's move onto part three where things get really obscure and hilarious.

80-81. Joe selects JBL and David Otunga
What Jonah forgets about Booker T is the reason he only shows up for some PPVs and nothing else is that he runs a wrestling school/promotion and radio show in Houston. I hope he adds some talent later on, because Michael Cole on commentary alone would be...something.

As for my picks, what am I going to do with JBL? I'm not totally sure. But WWE crowds seem to really like him, so I'm sure there's some value in that. But David Otunga can be utilized in a variety of ways. He's the perfect buddy for the authority, and he has a great coffee mug.

82-83. Jonah selects JoJo and Tom Phillips
I was avoiding JBL like the plague, he’s become the most annoying shill I could imagine.  He’s like a bad parody of a wrestling commentator.  Anyways, Jojo can do more backstage interviews and look good doing them as well as some ring introductions.  Tom Phillips has been entertaining on NXT, he’s been a great straight man to the more entertaining Corey Graves, but providing that skill is never a bad thing.

84-85. Joe selects Primo and Epico
Did you guys hear? Puerto Rico is beautiful, and so is the depth of my tag team division.

86-87. Jonah selects The Ascension
Who’s worse Primo and Epico or The Ascension?  According to this draft I guess the Ascension, but they were over in NXT.  I’m turning them back into a conspiracy theory, Freemasons run the world, Illuminati tag team.  It literally can’t make them any less over.

88-89. Joe selects Mean Gene Okerlund and Charles Robinson
Now I know there are rules about expanding people's roles, but come on, can't we just make sure that "Mean" Gene Okerlund shows up for any show that is near his area. Gene is the damn best, and even if I can only have him around once a year, he'll still be a valuable mentor to every interviewer I have. Also, I got Lil' Naitch to take care of Charlotte now that her Dad is out of the picture.

90-91. Jonah selects Lita and Mike Chioda
Who better to talk about the women’s division than Lita?  No one that’s who.  She’s a Hall of Famer and a legend.  She’s great on pre shows, I’d be happy having her just putting over the women’s division on the pre show, but if Mean Gene can show up a little bit more, than so can Lita.  She would be the perfect figurehead of a new women’s division.  I mean her or Brooke Hogan.  Mike Chioda is a referee.  I recognize his name and his face.  He’s been a ref for years and years.

92-93. Joe selects Marcelo Rodriguez and Carlos Cabrera
Locking down the Latin Market by getting the only fluent Spanish announcers is a great deal for my global #brand. These guys make stars in the Latin American market, so it is a steal to get them this late in the game.

94-95. Jonah selects Lilian Garcia and Scott Armstrong
Joe is actually incorrect.  Lilian Garcia speaks perfect Spanish and is a great ring announcer.  Plus she can sing the National Anthem like a champ.  Have fun playing the national anthem on a boombox or something Joe.  Scott Armstrong is also a referee who I actually know, so he’s probably pretty good.

96-97. Joe selects Jerry Lawler and Rosa Mendes
Is Lawler pretty brutal at this point? No doubt, but let's not forget that this guy is a legitimate legend for what he did during the prime of his career, and even the haters still kind of love him for that. You may say Rosa Mendes is worthless, but just imagine Rosa Mendes vs. Brock Lesnar, and I think that is something that is very much worthwhile. Also, we can reunite her with Primo and Epico for...reasons!

98-99. Jonah selects Funaki and Chad Patton
Joe tries to take over the Latin market, but we all know what market is really exploding, the Asian market.  Funaki is Smackdown’s number one announcer, but he also does the play by play for the Asian markets.  Chad Patton continues the streak of referees that I’ve heard of, therefore are good.

100-101. Joe selects Tony Chimel and Drake Wuertz
Tony Chimel has managed to keep his job for a very long time, which means he knows where the skeletons are buried. Not only is Drake Wuertz a great referee, he's perfect in case I need a ref to get in a death match.

102-103. Jonah selects Byron Saxton and Dan Engler
Byron Saxton is on WWE TV every week.  I’m not sure why, but hey that’s got to mean something.  Dan Engler was Rudy Charles in TNA.  If he can survive TNA, then I know he can survive a nuclear war.

104-105. Joe selects Scott Stanford and Greg Hamilton
To get a certified Broski at 104 is great value in Scott Stanford, and Greg Hamilton is the number one guy who could benefit from any opportunity to be around Mean Gene.

106-107. Jonah selects Jerry Soto and Dasha Fuentes
Jerry Soto is a color commentator for the Spanish Team, and the co host of WWE en Espanol.  So despite what Joe thinks, I’ve got some people who can commentate in Spanish.  Dasha Fuentes is a lovely interviewer/ring announcer.

108-109. Joe selects John Cone and Shawn Bennett
John Cone is a referee who has been around for a while, and he is the WWE office referee, so he’s versatile no matter what he is officiating. Shawn Bennett is my wife’s favorite referee, so I took him to honor her. He seems to ref to the best of his abilities, so good for him.

110-111. Jonah selects Andrea D'Marco and Ryan Tran
Andrea D’Marco is a good looking ring announcer for NXT, and judging by her work in Portland, she’s got a good future.  Ryan Tran is a referee who used to be a wrestler.  He’s also Asian so if you don’t like him you’re racist.

112-113. Joe selects Rob Schamberger and Mike Rome
Rob Schamberger does the artwork for WWE, so this is going to be a huge moneymaker for my #brand. Still, I was a little disappointed to not get Andrea D'Marco as it is always a good idea to get attractive women involved in your product. I probably should have risked divorce and waited on Shawn Bennett. Mike Rome is my consolation prize.

114-115. Jonah selects Jason Ayers and Rob Zapata
These guys referee matches.  Whelp, that’s about it.

116-117. Joe selects Eddie Oregno and Danilo Anfibio
These are two NXT referees. I knew nothing about people at this point in the draft. I am sure they are fine people and will do a fine job for my #brand. Good lord, there are a lot of guys in this company. I can’t wait to do NXT next week.

118. Jonah selects Darrick Moore
I can’t believe Joe let Darrick Moore fall to me.  He’s also a referee.  That’s it.

And that wraps up the main roster part of this draft. Next week, it's the Supplemental Draft, aka, NXT Draft.

Goldust Was The Original PUA

Goldust is one of the most fascinating characters in WWE history. As a child, he was just seen as a weird queer, mostly because that is how Jerry Lawler referred to him most times, and children think Jerry Lawler has a lot of good insight. But man, looking back, Goldust is probably the most complex character in WWE history. That guy was an onion, and after peeling back all of the layers, at his core, he is not a "queer," he's actually the original pickup artist.

Goldust's first vignette was in front of a big-time Hollywood building. The problem with this was that the building had a giant Looney Tunes banner on the wall, and it really took me out of the moment. It's especially sad, because the WWE clearly did this with a green screen, and that is what they chose to use. Still, one week later, Jerry Lawler claimed that the debut of Goldust blew up the internet. I believe this is probably the first noted case of an athlete blowing up the internet, and this was 1995, so it may be the first thing that ever blew up the internet. Blowing up the internet is one of the greatest examples of a demonstration of higher value (DHV) that are essential in the world of pickup artists.

Unfortunately, I couldn't find that vignette on YouTube, but I was able to find his second one that was on Raw a week later. Let's take a look:

This is textbook PUA material right here. First, he opens it up with a quote from a movie. In Season 2 of the Pickup Artist, literally half of the openers that they used were, "What movie is this from? 'Nobody puts baby in the corner.'" Movie quotes are the backbone of any true PUAs pickup gambits.

Then he goes into a diatribe about magic and mystery, where gold only sheds light as opposed to darkness. If he were to use this line to a girl who was wearing any sort of dark color, it's basically the perfect neg that will have her begging for his approval.

Finally, that outfit. Man, there isn't a PUA who wouldn't be jealous about the extent that Goldust is able to peacock. He is wearing gold suit jacket with a bowtie and top hat. Right there, he's got top level peacocking working for him, but then to top it off with a long blonde wig, face paint, and black lipstick? That is truly next level. Imagine if you were a pickup artist, and you were wearing your freshest peacocking gear, and then you see Goldust at the bar? You're done. You have to leave the bar, and you may have to leave the state just to make sure you never run into the true master ever again.

He was more mysterious and flamboyant than homosexual, although he did like to toe that line. He had an in-ring interview with Vince McMahon where Goldust asked, "Is that another microphone in your pants or are you just happy to see me?" One of the great obstacles that PUAs face is the Alpha Male Of Group (AMOG), and Goldust just disarmed a legendary AMOG in Vince McMahon. Once you disarm the AMOG, it's easy to begin kino escalation with your target. It was true PUA brilliance.

I understand that many of you may be skeptical, but you must admit it is a little weird that it takes three seconds for a pin, and Mystery came up with the three second rule to approach a girl within three seconds. I see this as an homage from Mystery to his hero, the original PUA, Goldust.

Finally, this should kill any doubts you may have, as the proof is in the pudding.

Game recognize game.