Why Didn't Anyone Tell Me About The 21 Convention?

You should all be ashamed of yourselves. How could notify me that not only does something called The 21 Convention exist, but that it was less than two hours away from me in Orlando. At least one of you must have known about it, because it is simply too hilarious for me to not be exposed to it.

For those of you that were not withholding this information from me, you're probably asking what The 21 Convention is. Well, as the top of their website states, it is, "The Best Event For Life On Earth As A Man." This is why I am so disappointed that I did not know about it. I mean, for the low low price of $1499 (less than $1500), I could have gone to the best event for life on Earth as a man. As a man, this event would have been especially relevant to me.

So, I am doing something that is painful but needed. I'm going to go through the five speakers that I was most bummed to not be able to see in person. And trust me, if you go to their website, you'll understand that it was incredibly difficult to keep the list at just five.

5. Ross Jefferies - Master-Hypnotist
I'm almost positive they mentioned this guy in The Game by Neil Strauss. I really love their introductory paragraph for him as it states, "Ross Jeffries has been described as someone who not only knows more than any one in the world about how persuasion and seduction works, but more than anyone ever SHOULD know about these topics." Can you imagine seeing this guy in a club trying to seduce women? Instead of dangling a watch, he probably dangles his dentures. Seriously, in that picture above, there is no way he has teeth in his mouth. Probably the most impressive thing about Ross is that, judging by his picture, he has been dead for at least 15 years. I'd love to hear about what he has to say about seduction in the afterlife.

4. Tanner Guzy - Founder, Masculine Style
This man should never be able to describe anything he does as masculine. Look at this string beans he has hanging from those deflated shoulders. Pathetic. He's wearing a mustard yellow jacket, but he did not make the Pro Football Hall of Fame. You've got to earn your jacket, you beta.

3. Zan Perrion - Founder, Ars Amorata
This guy's entire look is poor man's Johnny Depp. The only thing that you really need to know about him is that he is one of the founding members of today's "burgeoning community of international pickup artists." Why is there not a Netflix documentary on the burgeoning community of international pickup artists? That is something I could seriously get behind.

2. Eric Von Sydow aka Hypnotica - Author and Coach For Men
Oh hell yeah, it's the unknown third member of The Ascension. He's an expert in female-male interaction, but I think that just means that he knows how to club his woman without killing her. This brohemoth earned the title of, "Inner Game Guru" by killing the man who had it before him. I honestly can't believe he's not number one on this list.

1. Socrates - Relationship Philosopher
Oh, hell yeah. If I want to learn about picking up chicks, it is definitely from a guy who looks like this. Also, his name is Socrates, I'm sure he philosophizes what it would be like to see a woman naked. Honestly, judging by that gut, he may just be wondering what it would be like to see Mr. Winky again. The original Socrates said, "An unexamined life is not worth living." Well, this Socrates must believe that an unexamined penis is not worth using.

The thing that put Socrates over the top was that with your $1499 ticket, you also got admission to an "Intellectual Party at Socrates' House." Fu-huck, that sounds so ridiculously incredibly ridiculous that I cannot find the words to properly explain its importance. Oh, but The 21 Convention did.

Can't argue with that. I'm so sad I missed out on this.

Goldust Was The Original PUA

Goldust is one of the most fascinating characters in WWE history. As a child, he was just seen as a weird queer, mostly because that is how Jerry Lawler referred to him most times, and children think Jerry Lawler has a lot of good insight. But man, looking back, Goldust is probably the most complex character in WWE history. That guy was an onion, and after peeling back all of the layers, at his core, he is not a "queer," he's actually the original pickup artist.

Goldust's first vignette was in front of a big-time Hollywood building. The problem with this was that the building had a giant Looney Tunes banner on the wall, and it really took me out of the moment. It's especially sad, because the WWE clearly did this with a green screen, and that is what they chose to use. Still, one week later, Jerry Lawler claimed that the debut of Goldust blew up the internet. I believe this is probably the first noted case of an athlete blowing up the internet, and this was 1995, so it may be the first thing that ever blew up the internet. Blowing up the internet is one of the greatest examples of a demonstration of higher value (DHV) that are essential in the world of pickup artists.

Unfortunately, I couldn't find that vignette on YouTube, but I was able to find his second one that was on Raw a week later. Let's take a look:

This is textbook PUA material right here. First, he opens it up with a quote from a movie. In Season 2 of the Pickup Artist, literally half of the openers that they used were, "What movie is this from? 'Nobody puts baby in the corner.'" Movie quotes are the backbone of any true PUAs pickup gambits.

Then he goes into a diatribe about magic and mystery, where gold only sheds light as opposed to darkness. If he were to use this line to a girl who was wearing any sort of dark color, it's basically the perfect neg that will have her begging for his approval.

Finally, that outfit. Man, there isn't a PUA who wouldn't be jealous about the extent that Goldust is able to peacock. He is wearing gold suit jacket with a bowtie and top hat. Right there, he's got top level peacocking working for him, but then to top it off with a long blonde wig, face paint, and black lipstick? That is truly next level. Imagine if you were a pickup artist, and you were wearing your freshest peacocking gear, and then you see Goldust at the bar? You're done. You have to leave the bar, and you may have to leave the state just to make sure you never run into the true master ever again.

He was more mysterious and flamboyant than homosexual, although he did like to toe that line. He had an in-ring interview with Vince McMahon where Goldust asked, "Is that another microphone in your pants or are you just happy to see me?" One of the great obstacles that PUAs face is the Alpha Male Of Group (AMOG), and Goldust just disarmed a legendary AMOG in Vince McMahon. Once you disarm the AMOG, it's easy to begin kino escalation with your target. It was true PUA brilliance.

I understand that many of you may be skeptical, but you must admit it is a little weird that it takes three seconds for a pin, and Mystery came up with the three second rule to approach a girl within three seconds. I see this as an homage from Mystery to his hero, the original PUA, Goldust.

Finally, this should kill any doubts you may have, as the proof is in the pudding.

Game recognize game.

Dave Dombrowski Is a Gentle Lover

When I heard the Tigers were pursuing David Price, I chuckled to myself. The Tigers have traded away so many prospects that I'm not even sure if they field minor league teams anymore. There was no way they had the assets to get David Price. But then, sure enough, Dave Dombrowski found a way to turn Austin Jackson and Drew Smyly into David Price. How did he do this? It's because he's a gentle lover. Let me explain.

I think it's common knowledge that Dave Dombrowski is a master of seduction. If you somehow didn't know that, this photo, which has not been poorly photoshopped AT ALL, proves my point:

Since he is a master of seduction, he can pretty much seduce any woman he pleases. I'll admit it; I was nervous going to a Tigers Spring Training game a few months ago at the mere chance that DD might take a liking to my lady.

Basically, what his seduction prowess means is that he can seduce any owner's wife/girlfriend/main squeeze. Now, these owners are all super rich, cutthroat men who have done whatever it takes to get to the top. These are very prideful men, and also men who know what they like and hate change. The problem is that not only can Dave Dombrowski seduce their lady, but also that DD is a gentle lover.

This causes an issue as most owners sexual techniques start and end with vigorous. They aren't into any fluff; they are incredibly hard workers, but they only know one speed. Meanwhile, DD has listened to enough Tenacious D where he doesn't give sex to a woman, he makes love with her. Once these women experience the gentle love making of DD, they no longer want the vigorous sex that they experience from an old crusty baseball owner, and it ruins the lives of these owners.

So that is why Dave Dombrowski is consistently able to do the impossible when it comes to trades. Dave Dombrowski agreed to a four-year no seduction deal at the end of 2007 to acquire Miguel Cabrera from Jeffrey Loria and the Marlins. When that deal ran out, he gave another extension to get Anibal Sanchez in 2012. In between those two deals, he called up Ken Kendrick, who forced Josh Byrnes to trade away Max Scherzer in order to keep his beau away from Dombrowski's charms.

And finally, he called up Stuart Sternberg. Sternberg is a young, Wall Street hotshot, so he laughed at Dombrowski at first. He causally mentioned it as a joke with Andrew Friedman, but Friedman wasn't laughing. He knew of Dombrowski's skills, and therefore, he knew what he had to do. David Price is a Tiger, but Sternberg and his wife are safe from the charms of DD.

Don't blame these teams for their lack of return on top end talent. When you get that call from the 313 area code, you know your options have run out. If Dombrowski doesn't get his man, he's coming for your woman, and I'm glad these teams have made the right choice.

Breaking Down "Elderly Game"

Researching the Pickup Artist (PUA) Community is truly one of the best and worst things in the world. There are a lot of times where you will find something so ridiculous that you will find yourself laughing about it days later.

There are other things that remind you that PUAs are basically the worst human beings in the world. Seriously, people make fun of Juggalos, but PUAs are so much worse. I could slam some Faygo and party with Juggalos; hanging out with PUAs may be the worst experience of my life. The release of a book called Day Bang has made me dive back into this dark, sad world where many of the people involved actually think that women are far more evil than Hitler.

Day Bang introduced something called "Elderly Game" as its backbone for seducing women during the day. My ears perked up like I was a dog about to go for a walk when I heard about it. Elderly game is talking to people like you're an elderly person. A better name for it would be "Seinfeld Game," because the main point behind it is making observations and talking to people about them. Here are some examples.

“Beautiful day.”
“Those shoes look comfortable."
"That's nice; where did you get that?"
“Hello.”

That's it. That's all there is to it. I have to say I was a little disappointed, but at least I got to post that picture of Mystery going undercover. Earlier I said "Seinfeld Game" might be a better name for "Elderly Game." The best name is "Human Being Game." If you talk to people like they are human beings, they will probably respond in kind. Of course, if you naturally thing of women as being sluts, bitches, and lizards (that one I just learned about), then treating them like human beings is probably a pretty foreign idea.

"Elderly Game" was pretty disappointing. The only thing unintentionally hilarious about it is the name for it, but they do get bonus points for encouraging men to treat women like human beings. Still, it loses major points for not pretending to be handicapped or removing one's teeth for sympathy bangs.

Grade: C-

A Comprehensive Breakdown of All Saints's "Never Ever"

For some reason, All Saints is one of my favorite all-lady bands. I never listen to The Spice Girls (something I will be remedying soon), but I can always jam out to All Saints. I only know one of their songs, but that's all I need to know, because this song is amazing. "Never Ever" is the saddest song ever for women. It sounds as if it were written by the PUA Community on how women are totally heartbroken when they break up with them to pick up a different HB10 (If you don't know what PUA or HB10 means, consider yourself lucky). If it was written by a woman, this woman had the lowest self-esteem of all time. Let's break it down.

A few questions that I need to know
how you could ever hurt me so

This is a very reasonable beginning to a song. She is sad, because she was hurt by her significant other.

I need to know what I've done wrong
and how long it's been going on

Oh, girl, don't go there. Don't do that to yourself. It's not worth it. I'm sure things just didn't work out. Sometimes, two people simply aren't meant to be together. Moving on is the best thing you can do.

Was it that I never paid enough attention?
Or did I not give enough affection?
Not only will your answers keep me sane
but I'll know never to make the same mistake again

This is the opposite of moving on. This is basically the saddest thing a girl could ever do after someone broke up with her. Please, girl, just let it go.

You can tell me to my face or even on the phone
You can write it in a letter, either way, I have to know
Did I never treat you right?
Did I always start the fight?
Either way, I'm going out of my mind
all the answers to my questions
I have to find

These are questions best left unanswered. Girl, just go. You are a precious butterfly, and you have been caught in a net of despair. Who is casting the net? You are. You are casting a net and trapping the butterfly version of yourself in this net of despair. I'm not sure where this metaphor is going, but seriously, stop being so desperate.

My head's spinning
Boy, I'm in a daze
I feel isolated
Don't wanna communicate

I'll take a shower, I will scour
I will rub

I did not think this song could become more desperate, but saying that you are going to rub yourself in the shower while thinking about an ex is basically the ace in the hole for the ladies. It's so desperate that I have to give props on it. That type of boldness will always be appreciated around these parts.

To find peace of mind
The happy mind I once owned, yeah

Flexing vocabulary runs right through me
The alphabet runs right from A to Zed

I have no clue what this means. I guess some ladies start speaking in tongues when guys break up with them.

Conversations, hesitations in my mind
You got my conscience asking questions that I can't find

I'm not crazy
I'm sure I ain't done nothing wrong, no
I'm just waiting
'Cause I heard that this feeling
won't last that long

This is actually the healthiest thing in this song. She's recognizing that it wasn't her fault, she's hurt, but she knows that she can move on eventually. Good for you, girl.

Never ever have I ever felt so low
When you gonna take me out of this black hole?
Never ever have I ever felt so sad
The way I'm feeling yeah, you got me feeling really bad

Never ever have I had to find
I've had to dig away to find my own peace of mind
I've Never ever had my conscience to fight
The way I'm feeling, yeah, I just don't feel right

Ugh, we were so close to a major breakthrough, but you are back to square one. Desperation never gets a guy back. Give it up, lady.

The second verse is just more of the same, with these ladies ending this song by pleading that their ex-boyfriend, who dumped them and left them for good, could write why they will be a lonely, miserable, cat lady in a letter. Hoo boy, you can cut this desperation with a knife. Thanks, All Saints, for writing the anthem for girls with low self-esteem.