The Number One Rule of Snapchat

Snapchat is a very popular app with the young, hip generation. I was actually an early adopter of Snapchat, because I figure new technology is at least worth a try. But it absolutely amazes me how bad people are at using Snapchat. Sometimes they try to be clever; sometimes they try to be cool, but the harder they try, the harder they fail. That is why I will share with you the number one, and truly only rule that matters in Snapchat.

Show Me The Puppies

This is all you need to know. Just take pictures and videos of doggies, and the world will be a much better place for it. Have you ever grown tired of looking at cute dogs or even ugly dogs doing cute things? Of course you haven't, especially when that pup is so desperate to go on a road trip that she hops in and lies down in the trunk of the car.

I don't care about pictures of your babies; I don't care about pictures of beaches or mountains, or some other lameass body of land, and I certainly don't give a shit about a picture or video of you, because I already know what you look like, and no matter how hard you try, you'll never be as cute as a pupdog with a bunch of stuffing hanging from her mouth.

Let's face it. Your life is boring. You don't think it's boring, but trust me, to the outside world, it's boring as shit. This is no knock on you, as I am as guilty of this as anyone else. Instead of focusing on you, focus on something else, and preferably, that something else will have a snout and some big floppy ears, and extra points for tail wagging. I don't want to see you getting your zen on with meditation, but I damn sure want to see a cute dog doing the same.

#Namaste

This is the only rule that you need to know for Snapchat. Just show me the puppies. Those sexy, sexy puppies.

I Am Awesome With Toddlers

I am terrified of babies. They're basically the worst. I mean, the only reason people have babies is in the hope that they grow out of it and become a human. If somebody told parents that they had a permanent baby, would anybody blame them for putting that baby on a raft and floating them down the river? There's a good chance Moses's Mom was told this, panicked, and got rid of his ass.

Oh, anyway, although babies suck. They almost always do grow out of it and become humans. The first stage of this evolution is becoming a toddler. With babies, I am an awkward mess, because they are sub-human, but with toddlers, they are grown up enough to appreciate my humor while not being old enough to realize that I'm actually an idiot loser.

I learned of my skills over the holiday season as I got to hang out with a two and three-year-old. At first, I thought I would be able to ignore both of these children and play with the family dogs, but neither one was having it.

At the first house, I met the two-year-old (I had met him as a baby, but that didn't count, because he wasn't a real person yet), and right away, he could tell that I knew how to party. He immediately gave me a toy dog, instructed me that it needed to ride on a cart, and I needed to take that dog on the cart to chase him around the house as he rode his trike. Real talk, I could have chased this kid around all day and not got tired out, because he is a child, and I am a full-grown man. But having to chase him around while bent over and holding a dog on this vehicle while sliding around on hardwood floors in dress socks was a very tiring experience. I needed a damn water break, but eventually I got him to quit.

After that, we all ate some well needed lunch. For my chasing efforts, I earned some bits of chicken nuggets that I declined, because there was a 100% chance that his hands had recently been in poop. I don't know how long kids poop themselves, but I do know that they play with it well past that age, so I thanked him for the offer but stuck to my sandwich.

After that, it was time to check out what he got for Christmas. This is where toddlers struggle a bit, because they're too young for video games, although that may work in my favor, because I haven't played video games in years, so I would likely be terrible at them. Anyway, we started playing with a toy record player, and then started just taking toys out of their packaging, just so we could repack them, and then unpack them again. After the 15th time we did that, he started to get bored with it, so he started sprinting around. I sat on the floor with my legs flat in front of me, and the little guy tripped right over them. He fell pretty hard; I laughed, and he then had his new favorite game. This little fella just kept on sprinting around and tripping over my legs; he must have done it two dozen times. Much like me, toddlers are entertained by the simple things in life.

But after the little guy went for a nap, my day with toddlers was still not done.

It was time to party with a 3-year-old child, and party with him I did. I said hello to the adults, but adults are boring, so I went straight to playing, because this kid had some awesome toys. We started playing Superheroes where Spiderman teamed up with Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman to capture The Joker. He also built an alligator out of legos that was wreaking havoc all over the house as it was chomping on everyone.

But the main event was Ironman hands that glowed and made cool sound effects. I was a little jealous that I didn't get to be Ironman, but this gave me the chance to use the most fun toy of all, my imagination. I threw on a pair of sunflower glasses that were laying around and transformed into Flower Man. I even had a catchphrase, "Time to Grow," and used it every time I got up off the ground. It was pretty awesome but also exhausting as I had to throw around a child, but then pretend that he could actually take me in a fight (I could have easily taken him). I let him kill me a half dozen times to try to end the game, but he kept demanding that Flower Man come back to life. I even hid the glasses, but the little bugger found them, and we resumed fighting. Finally, I brought in the most evil villain I know, my wife, to tell us that play time was over. That way she's the bad guy, and I'm the cool guy.

Overall, I would not recommend having back-to-back play dates with toddlers as an adult. First off, because I think that setting something up like that is probably illegal, and second, it's pretty damn exhausting. Those kids got to take naps when we were done; I had to be social with other adults. Life isn't fair, but I'm not going to be a baby about it. Because babies suck, but toddlers are pretty cool.

What Is True Love?

What is true love? It is a question that we have all contemplated. We have thought that we were in love and realized that it wasn't love at all. Many times, it is lust, and other times it is just doing whatever we can to not be lonely. But I feel like after today, I know what true love is, and this story has nothing to do with my wife.

I went outside to throw the ball for Casey The Dog (my dog, whose name is Casey). After her first sprint for her orange bowl, she had shaken some things loose in her system. It was time for an exit strategy. So she squatted and produced waste.

Usually, that is where that chapter ends and we get back to throwing the ball. Unfortunately, this was not the end for Casey The Dog. She got some of her poop out, but unfortunately for her, she had gone a little heavy on her grass diet, and there was a long log of a poop/grass mixture hanging from her butthole. A lot of dogs know to just rub their ass on the ground to wipe it away, but Casey The Dog does not do that. She tries to squat and walk at the same time until she gets super frustrated and just lays down on her side.

As she lies her body down on the ground, she has a look of fear in her eyes. She does not know what to do, or if she will be cursed to permanently have poop hanging from her ass. "What type of existence will that be?" she surely wonders.

I see my dog suffering, and I must act quickly. Unfortunately, I do not have a poop bag as we were just hanging in the backyard. But I knew my dog needed me, so I told her to lay still, and I removed the substance from her butthole. It was not a pleasant experience for me, but she was totally ready for the next throw after that. Life was good once again.

What is love? Love is the will to suffer to prevent that loved one from suffering.

What is love? Love is pulling poop out of your dog's asshole with your bare hand. I love my dog, and she sure as hell better love me too.

My Dog Pooped In My Car

Well, the title really tells the story. My dog pooped in my car. We were driving over to her favorite park, so I could throw the ball for her and wear her out. It was about 8:00 Sunday morning, and I wanted to get her out before the weather got too hot for her, as she is basically a princess who likes to take it easy when it gets too warm.

So, we are going through our normal routine. Me in the driver's seat, her riding shotgun with her head out the window, getting all of that precious fresh air. As we were turning into the park, she started really sticking her head out of the window, as she got further and further outside the car. I had to convince her to calm down and stay in the car, as she looked like she was ready to jump out of the moving car. 

I smelled it before I saw it.

The car stunk, and I thought she just farted, but then I looked down on her seat to see one juicy turd laying on the passenger seat. She was even more adamantly trying to get out of the car, but I calmed her down enough to at least not jump out, as we only had about 30 seconds until we could safely park and she could be let out. I was also impressed that she was being very careful not to step on the turd that she had dropped off in the passenger seat. At this point, I was more miffed than anything as I was still processing everything that was going on while making sure my dog didn't seriously injure herself.

I finally park to let her out, and she of course jumps to my side of the vehicle to get out of the car. In her anxiety to get out of the car, she managed to somehow turn and spin to get every single one of her paws into the turd. She spread it all over the front seat and got a significant portion onto my driver's seat. Also, I noticed that her nub was bleeding, and there was actually shit and blood all over my front seats. Amazing. 

She took a big old dump, and then I gathered up a bunch of toilet paper from the nearby restroom to wipe up as much as I could, but, not surprisingly, my car still reeked of shit. 

At this point, we were already at the park, so I figured we still might as well play a little bit. I threw the ball for her for a few times, but she knew that she messed up by pooping in the car, so she wasn't all that into it. Either way, it gave the car a little time to air out, but it still smelled like poop when we got back inside. 

Anyway, we got home, I cleaned my interior (luckily it's leather, because I'm a BOSS), and went on to have a nice little Sunday. And that concludes the story of when my dog pooped in my car.