The Number One Rule of Snapchat

Snapchat is a very popular app with the young, hip generation. I was actually an early adopter of Snapchat, because I figure new technology is at least worth a try. But it absolutely amazes me how bad people are at using Snapchat. Sometimes they try to be clever; sometimes they try to be cool, but the harder they try, the harder they fail. That is why I will share with you the number one, and truly only rule that matters in Snapchat.

Show Me The Puppies

This is all you need to know. Just take pictures and videos of doggies, and the world will be a much better place for it. Have you ever grown tired of looking at cute dogs or even ugly dogs doing cute things? Of course you haven't, especially when that pup is so desperate to go on a road trip that she hops in and lies down in the trunk of the car.

I don't care about pictures of your babies; I don't care about pictures of beaches or mountains, or some other lameass body of land, and I certainly don't give a shit about a picture or video of you, because I already know what you look like, and no matter how hard you try, you'll never be as cute as a pupdog with a bunch of stuffing hanging from her mouth.

Let's face it. Your life is boring. You don't think it's boring, but trust me, to the outside world, it's boring as shit. This is no knock on you, as I am as guilty of this as anyone else. Instead of focusing on you, focus on something else, and preferably, that something else will have a snout and some big floppy ears, and extra points for tail wagging. I don't want to see you getting your zen on with meditation, but I damn sure want to see a cute dog doing the same.

#Namaste

This is the only rule that you need to know for Snapchat. Just show me the puppies. Those sexy, sexy puppies.

I Suck At Yoga

I have started to supplement getting my ass kicked with yoga. It has been something I have wanted to do for a while, but I kept coming up with excuses not to do yoga. I think a lot of this is it is never all that great to go into something and know you are going to be really bad at it. I have never been known for my flexibility, so I was quite positive that I would be very bad at yoga, and that fear stopped me from taking the first step towards progress. I way overthought everything, like do I need to have a mat, and are gym shorts and t-shirt acceptable yoga clothing? Those are stupid excuses to not try something, so I had to get over myself.

I finally tried yoga, and guess what? I did suck at it. This is not some magical story where I conquered a mild fear and it turned out I was great. If it required much flexibility, I was very awkward while doing it, and I often needed adjustments, because I cannot follow simple yoga directions. Even though I am fairly strong for my size, I often felt my muscles blowing up while holding poses. It was embarrassing, as I watched 60-year-old women handle things with ease while my shoulders were screaming in agony. But even though it has only been a couple weeks, I can feel myself improving. I definitely feel a little looser when it is over, and physically, I know that I am improving. And as bad as I am at it physically, I am even worse at it mentally.

My problem is that I enter with a very calm and relaxed attitude that is ideal for yoga, but once I start going, I get more and more aggressive and start wanting to attack every pose. I look around to see how others are doing, and I want to do better, despite me not being flexible or even all that good at core strength, because I get blown up trying to hold poses. Still, I want to strive beyond my limits, which is the total opposite of what you want to do in yoga. I can't even relax properly, because I'm side eyeing the people next to me to see if I am relaxing better than they are.

Still, I am getting better, and the cool thing about being really awful at something is that you get to see vast improvement quickly. So now I'm ready to stretch so hard that I tear muscles off my bones and breathe so deep and peacefully that Kim Jong-Il destroys all of the nuclear weapons in North Korea.

I'm never going to be good at this.

Traumatized by Buying Pants

So I had to get some new dress pants this weekend, because, like Ric Flair, I just gotta style and profile. I thought this was going to be an easy experience, as it usually is not too painful. My biggest issue is that I have a small waist but some big ol’ gangsta thighs, so pants often hug my legs like spandex. 

Well, this was my biggest issue until my most recent excursion. I decided to get a couple pairs of 30W 30L and went to the dressing room to see how tight they would be on my legs. I put on the pants, and the legs felt a little snug but not too bad. I went to hook my pants up and realized that I was unable to. That's odd; I have been a 30W for as long as I can remember, and these pants were not even coming close.

I had just ate half a pizza about an hour before, so I was not feeling in tip-top shape, and these pants not fitting did not help. I didn't know what to do. I have been working out at least six days a week. Up until a few weeks ago, I was going on anywhere from 12-18 mile runs. I'll admit I'm not in the best shape of my life, but I'm still in pretty good shape. Why was this happening?

I tried on another pair, and I was able to squeeze into them, although it was not a comfortable fit. I finally bit the bullet and got a pair of 32s. They were a tad loose; I feel like 31 is my wheelhouse, but those are pretty tough to find when you are always trying to go cheap.

At this point, things really sunk in. I was in a haze. I could barely function at this point. I had the goal of getting new dress shoes as well, but I was in no shape to do any more shopping. I could barely speak as I made my purchase of my new pants. I bring this up only to mention what a giant bitch I was being. 32W is still very skinny and nothing to worry about, but I let this affect me for the next few hours.

I wish this had a happy ending where I became a grownup and did not worry about my waist size not being quite as small as it used to, but it doesn't. I'm still obsessing over it, which means I'm switching up my workout plan. I woke up Sunday morning and went for a run in eight degree weather. It sucked really bad, but it was a necessary step.

One day, maybe I will become a well-adjusted adult who can handle small things like that without it greatly changing my daily routine, but that day ain't today. Now I'm gonna go do some Yoga and get my zen on.