I Loved Tito Ortiz vs. Chael Sonnen

I am a sucker for the previous generation of mixed martial arts. I can't watch Michael Jordan nailing fadeaways in basketball, Glenallen Hill swinging for the fences in baseball, or, uh, Jim Miller? throwing that pigskin around at a competitive level anymore, but I can still watch MMA legends compete well past their prime. Bellator is delivering me those desired fights by matching up Tito Ortiz vs. Chael Sonnen.

I was never a big Tito Ortiz fan. His biggest run was during a pretty dark age for the UFC, and he had gone downhill by the time that MMA started to gain popularity again under new ownership and piggybacking off the success of The Ultimate Fighter. Still, he's an important part of the history of MMA, and he was known as a good trash talker back in the day. This man is a Donald Trump supporter who can barely string together a sentence, but he was able to talk circles around Ken Shamrock, who somehow managed to get worse at talking after spending years in professional wrestling.

On the other hand, Chael Sonnen was my jam. Sonnen played the part of the heel, and he enjoyed every second of it. Sonnen is incredibly intelligent, and he knows how to play the game and was the ultimate provocateur. He once accused the Nogueiras of petting a bus, because they thought it was a horse. I was nearly in tears at the ways that he insulted Brazilians, even though Big Nog and Wanderlei Silva are two of my favorite fighters ever. But when you were a fan of Sonnen, you kind of knew that you were in on the joke with him. None of it was said with animosity, and if you took it seriously, you had already lost. On top of all of this, he was a wrestler, and I have an incredible bias towards favoring wrestlers in mixed martial arts. He came incredibly close to winning titles in two different weight classes. Sure, everyone remembers how he was only a couple minutes away from completing a beatdown on Anderson Silva, but don't forget his match with Jon Jones. Sonnen got absolutely annihilated and finished in the first round, but had he lasted a minute longer, the ref would have had to stop the fight since Jones broke a toe while he was beating on Sonnen. It would have been the most Chael Sonnen win in history. Instead, we have Sonnen facing off against Ortiz.

Now was this fight objectively good? Oh, God no. But was it entertaining? Of course it was. Despite it being Tito Ortiz's retirement fight and a fight that is about three years after Chael Sonnen's retirement, I was still totally jacked to see these two fight. And for the two minutes that this fight went on, it gave me everything I needed.

Tito got some good shots in standing, looked to have a takedown but got outgrappled by the superior wrestler in Sonnen. Sonnen could have legitimately had a choke but didn't have enough confidence in his jiu jitsu to actually go all out for it. Then he did something stupid, let Ortiz mount him and gave up on the fight at that point. Ortiz finished him with a neck crank, because when things went south for Sonnen, there was no need for him to fight on; he already got paid.

Afterwards, Tito actually gave one of his best speeches for his retirement, and it's good that he goes out on "top" because he's an important figure who, with his delusions, will think that this cements his legacy, even though his legacy was decided a decade ago. Still, crazy people living in a world of crazy is the safest place they can be. Let Tito stay in his safe space.

What is most important for Sonnen is that he ran circles around Tito in the pre-match buildup, and that means he'll continue to get paid. We kind of knew that Sonnen was not likely to win the fight, and we'll likely know that he won't win his next fight. But I'll still watch. Because with both guys, winning the fight wasn't the main point. They were spectacles on their own. The fight was the sideshow.

Dan Henderson: The World's Most Interesting Fighter

Dan Henderson recently retired after a close (some would say controversial) decision loss to UFC Champion, Michael Bisping. Henderson's career will be underrated by many, as his prime happened outside of the UFC. Even with that, it's tough to make an argument that Henderson is the greatest fighter ever, but it's also hard to make an argument against him being the world's most interesting fighter.

Unless you are a truly hardcore MMA fan, you probably don't remember Dan Henderson's early UFC career. It was during the dark ages of the UFC, and Henderson, with two fights and limited MMA training, went out and won a four-man tournament at 205 pounds. You would probably assume that he was facing off against guys that were just as limited as him, but he actually went out and beat two legitimate mixed martial artists. Allan Goes, who did not have any signature wins, had two of the most high quality draws in the sport against Frank Shamrock and Kazushi Sakuraba. And then in the finals, Dan fought Carlos Newton, who although was undersized for that weight class, became a UFC Champion by beating Pat Miletich a few years later. Those were guys with years of training and fights, and Dan Henderson walked in and beat them.

I should also mention that this began the legend of "Decision" Dan Henderson (the nickname was fair early in his career, even though he had enough huge finishes to make it obsolete by the end). Henderson had 22 of 47 of his fights go to decision, but that number is toned down due to late career Dan Henderson, with seven of his final eight fights being finishes. More incredible is he had nine split decisions in his career. Almost 20% of his fights were split decisions. I don't know where to find the records for that, so I'll just assume that Henderson is the Babe Ruth of split decisions.

After that, he went to Rings where he took out a couple of nobodies, and then on February 26, 2000, he had maybe the most impressive night in MMA history. In the first round, he faced Gilbert Yvel, who was 20-3 at the time and basically knocking out everyone that he faced (when he wasn't getting DQ'd), but Decision Dan would not be denied. Then he took on the greatest heavyweight fighter before Fedor Emelianenko, Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira. a man that only lost once in his first 21 fights. Unfortunately for Nogueira, that one loss was to Dan Henderson by split decision. After that, he took on Babalu in the finals. Babalu, a man who won his first twelve professional fights before taking on Henderson where he experienced the unlucky number 13, as Henderson won by majority decision. Yvel, Big Nog, and Babalu: There is nobody who has beaten anything close to that caliber of competition in a single night.

With that, Henderson made the move to Pride. Since this is Dan Henderson, he lucked into an easy fight to start off his Pride career, taking on the most terrifying fighter in MMA history, The Axe Murderer, Wanderlei Silva. Pride was the premiere organization at the time, and Silva didn't lose in his first 17 fights, and when he lost in his 18th, it was controversial. Although Henderson took his first loss, you could make a pretty strong argument that he won the fight.

He followed up his first loss by beating Renzo Gracie. That's a good win, but not too special. What was special was that Henderson won by knockout. He learned to throw a right hand, and that would become incredibly important later in his career.

I'd like to take a brief aside to address something. During this whole time, Henderson was still working on representing the United States in Greco-Roman Wrestling, as he didn't give up wrestling until 2001, when he had already twelve professional fights over four years without yet focusing on fighting full time. Yes, he had probably the greatest night in MMA history without even being a full time mixed martial artist. Dan Henderson was so fucking cool.

He finally bedcame a full time MMA fighter and fought in Pride for the next six years. Over that six year span, he lost four times, but only once was it to someone in his actual weight class. Otherwise, he lost to both Nogueiras and Ricardo Arona (which just reminds me how tough Arona was back in the day).

The highlights were mostly centered around that big right hand as Henderson started showing the ability to knock dudes out. He also became the first (and only) Pride Welterweight Champion (welterweight was 183 in Pride) by beating Murilo Bustamante, who is one of those legendary tough guys from Brazil that had his prime about 5-10 years too early.

But the biggest highlight was his rematch against Wanderlei Silva. It was the final fight in the history of Pride, and it was for the middleweight title. Henderson lost their first fight by decision, but he wouldn't let the same thing happen again as he about knocked Silva's head off in the third round to get the knockout victory and be the only guy in a major organization to hold titles in multiple weight classes at the same time.

And after all of that, he finally went back to the UFC.

Since it's Dan Henderson, there was no easing him in. he started with not one but two title matches in the weight classes where he held the belts in Pride. It, uh, did not go well. First, he lost a sluggish decision against Quinton "Rampage" Jackson. Then he took on Anderson Silva, where he took Silva down and dominated him in the first round. But by the second round, he decided game plans were for nerds and decided to just stand and trade with Silva where he got knocked silly and then choked out.

I guess now is as good of time as any to address something with Dan Henderson. He doesn't give a shit when he gets in a fight. His first goal is to knock someone's head off. Sure, he's an Olympic level wrestler where he could easily smother someone on top, but he almost exclusively used those skills to keep things standing so he could try to knock someone's head off. He could have been more successful had he stuck to a smart gameplan, but there is no way he could have been as awesome.

He got back on track after that with wins over basically the worst person in mixed martial arts, Rousimar Palhares, and one of the best people, Rich Franklin. After that, he coached on The Ultimate Fighter, opposite Michael Bisping, to set up their fight at UFC 100. It definitely wasn't his best win, but it probably was his most memorable, as Henderson destroyed Bisping with a right hand, and then gave him a leaping forearm for funsies. It was brutal and awesome all at once.

At this point, Henderson was probably only a fight away from a title shot, so he did what nobody else in the world would do, and left the UFC to go to Strikeforce, because Dan Henderson doesn't give a shit about titles when he can get more money somewhere else.

Henderson's Strikeforce career didn't start off the best. He gave Jake Shields one of the worst beatings I've seen in the first round of a fight and then totally ran out of gas and lost a decision. After that, he beat Babalu again and then took out Rafael Calvacante. Although he finished both guys, it's not going to make his career highlights. Then, since it's Dan Henderson, he took on the greatest heavyweight in the history of MMA, Fedor Emelianenko and proceeded to knock him out in the first round. This would be his last fight in Strikeforce, and he picked a hell of a way to go out.

In fact, let's look back on how Henderson left every organization he was in.
Brazil Open - Won Tournament
UFC - Won Tournament
Rings - Won Greatest Tournament Ever
Pride - Won Middleweight Title from scariest fighter ever, giving him two belts in different weight classes.
UFC - Most memorable knockout of his career, proved America's domination over England.
Strikeforce - Knocked out the greatest heavyweight of all time.

And even though he lost the final fight of his career, he did it in the perfect way, losing a close decision, because had he won, the UFC would have thrown a ton of money at him to fight again, and Dan Henderson does not turn down tons of money. There is no way he could have left these organizations on a higher note. This man knows how to increase his value at the right time.

When Dan Henderson went back to the UFC, he was already 41 years old, and age can catch up to anybody, even someone as great as Dan Henderson. Although he had two memorable wins over Mauricio "Shogun" Rua, he went 1-6 in his other fights with three losses coming by knockout.

But as important as timing his right hand, he also knew how to time his wins, and he was able to knockout Hector Lombard right as Michael Bisping was busy winning the UFC title. Somehow, despite going 4-6 in his last run in the UFC, he was given a title shot, because he's Dan Henderson, and that was the most interesting fight available.

His final fight gave you everything you could have asked for in a Dan Henderson fight. He landed a couple of those right handed bombs that nearly took out Bisping and gave Dan the early advantage. And then, like so many other times, he ran out of steam and Bisping started winning the later rounds. He put on a good final round, but there was only one way for "Decision" Dan's career to end. Sometimes those decisions went his way, this time it didn't. It was probably his best fight since the first Shogun fight, which happened five years prior, but at 46 years old, Henderson was able to show why he is one of the greatest fighters in history.

With a 32-15 record, it's tough to make the argument that he was the best fighter ever, but there is nobody who had a more interesting career than Dan Henderson. The guy fought in three weight classes (technically four, since the Brazil Open was close to the Welterweight limit), and fought nearly every interesting person in all of those divisions. Wanderlei, Fedor, A. Silva, Shogun, Cormier, Big Nog, Little Nog, Bustamante, Vitor, Franklin, Arona, Machida, and Rampage all fought Henderson at least once. He fought for two decades, and the only legends he missed over that period were Couture, Liddell, Jon Jones, Cro Cop, and Sakuraba. That's only five guys across three different weight classes over 20 years that Henderson couldn't find time to fight.

Dan Henderson had more big matches than anyone in the history of mixed martial arts. He is the world's most interesting fighter, and unlike the Dos Equis guy, there will never be a replacement for Hendo.

Hulk Hogan's Presidential Run

With the 2016 election heating up, there is no better time to look back on the presidential campaign that was truly ahead of its time. If all you need now is celebrity status and a willingness to say and do stupid things, there was one candidate who was ready before all the rest. That candidate? The Immortal (and possibly racist) Hulk Hogan. I mean, just imagine if Donald Trump would have said what Hogan got in so much trouble for, we wouldn't have batted an eye, and there would have been plenty of Backwoods Iowans ready to say, "He's just saying what we're all thinking." But alas, Hogan tried to run for President in 2000 instead of 2016, and that was truly his biggest mistake. Still, let's take a look back on the greatest presidential candidate that the United States has ever seen.

In 1998, Hulk Hogan knew his career was over and decided to announce his retirement. There was no better time and place to do this than Thanksgiving Night on the Jay Leno show.

When Leno asked Hulk what he was going to announce, Hulk responded, "The big announcement is, since it's Thanksgiving and everyone's at home watching, I kind of come to the crossroads here and I've accomplished everything I wanted to do in wrestling. My family's secure, I've had a great career, and I wanted to officially announce my retirement."

Let's quickly break down the most ridiculous things from this short response.

3. "Since it's Thanksgiving and everyone's at home watching"
Wait, is that a thing? Is this a tradition that we celebrate to honor Native Americans? Like, we stole their land and infested them with disease, so we will watch late night talk shows to pay our respects? I don't remember that being a thing.

2. "I've accomplished everything I wanted to do in wrestling...I wanted to officially announce my retirement"
Hulk Hogan wrestled for another FIFTEEN years, and he has still been squawking about getting one more match in the WWE.

1. "My family's secure"
And the reason Hulk Hogan is still trying to wrestle is because he's still trying to make money. Your wife filing divorce, trying to support your daughter's musical career, and your son paralyzing someone has a way to drain your assets rather quickly. Hence, a lot more wrestling, plenty of public appearances, and racism, although the racism doesn't seem to be paying off.

But the Hulkster still had plenty to say about his potential Presidency, and Jay Leno was asking the tough questions:

Jay: But have you had any experience at all in this field?
Hulk: Well, I've been making decisions all my life.

The man has a point, and try to prove him wrong...you can't. He'd been making decisions his whole life, so how was he not ready to be president?

Jay: I'm glad you're not coming into comedy. Now what about your past? Any secrets? Cause they invesitgate you.

Hulk: We all make mistakes, and thank God we learn from those mistakes. I mean, I'm beyond this mid-life crisis that Clinton is going through now.

This is probably my favorite line from Hogan's brief Presidential run. He's beyond a mid-life crisis. The last twenty years of Hulk Hogan's life has been one giant mid-life crisis. He calls out Clinton for cheating on his wife, but this is a man who had sex with his friend's wife, which is...uh, better? This doesn't even bring up the much weirder aspect of his mid-life crisis. He has a weird obsession with his daughter to the point that he is now married to a woman who looks EXACTLY like his daughter.

And they both look like him, which does not help his case, but hey, to each their own. As for his policies, all he said was that he wanted to go into Iraq and take out Saddam Hussein (although he couldn't pronounce it right), which is dumb, and he wanted a flat tax which is somehow even dumber.

But did anyone take this seriously? Well, CBS News reported it, so yeah, people did take it seriously.

Hulk Hogan was ready to save America through training, prayers, and eating vitamins. Unfortunately, a larger mission was on the horizon.

Yes, just six weeks after Hulk Hogan announced his bid for the Presidency, and on the night he had planned on letting the world know who his Vice President would be, he gave it all up to save WCW (and also to call Bill Goldberg a sexual deviant).

What was so big that Hulk had to come back to wrestling? Well, a shot at Kevin Nash and the WCW title, which of course led to this:

THE FINGERPOKE OF DOOM!

When I began writing this piece, I imagined how much better the world would be if Hulk would have spent eight great years in the White House. We'd have no debt, there would be no childhood obesity, and terrorists would no longer exist as they would have long ago converted to Hulkamania. But we also wouldn't have The Fingerpoke of Doom, and quite frankly, that's not a world I want to live in.

You made the right choice, Hulk.

Kerry Wood Was Special

Even though he will forever be remembered for one, Kerry Wood was much more important than his numbers. Everyone brings up his 20 strikeout game, and it is for good reason. Just look at this video. It's almost unfathomable that a pitcher could be that good. But he really was. He was not the best Cub of my lifetime, but he may have been the greatest. It's the reason articles like this one hit me on a level that most sports articles can't. When he retired, I really just wanted to read any interesting article I could find about him. Like many Cubs fans, I wanted to hang on to something that was gone.

He was the most Cub player of the last twenty years. Mark Grace is up there, but not quite. He went to Arizona and won a World Series, and as Cubs fans, we all felt great for him. But he never came back. Kerry left too. First to the Indians, and then traded to the Yankees. But he came back. Nobody ever comes back. Leaving the Cubs is supposed to be a blessing. Only Kerry would (pun unavoidable) come back to the curse.

He had opportunities to go other places, but he said he wanted to live in Chicago. Hell, he still could have gone to the White Sox for more money and lived in Chicago, but he couldn't do that. He hated the White Sox. And he really hated the fucking Cardinals. "Fuck those guys" was always the fan's attitude, but it's really something special when the players feel the same way.

And maybe it means a little more to people around my age. That 1998 Cubs team will forever remain my favorite team of all time, and this marks the end of that team in the major leagues. Kerry Wood was the last member to still be playing baseball. And a part of me always remembered that anytime I saw Wood take the mound. I will never have that experience again. I won't see a player and instantly be taken back to Sosa's historic season, Glenallen Hill hitting absolute bombs, Oh Henry! bars covering the field, Gary Gaetti crushing the ball after being a late season pickup, Rod Beck's heart attack inducing saves, hell, even Brant Brown's drop brings back nostalgia, but now it's gone. I won't watch life baseball and be taken back to that team.

Honestly, that sucks. But even though Kerry Wood's career may have not lived up to the hype, it certainly didn't suck. It was awesome. I came around about 20 years too late to see Ernie Banks, and although he'll never be Mr. Cub, Kerry Wood is my generation's version of it.

He put himself on the map in his fifth start because of his strikeouts. In a storybook ending, he finished his career like this.

We'll miss you, Kerry. Thanks for the memories.