Which Presidential Candidate Would You Most Want To Get A Beer With?

Politics are stupid. There’s so much bullshit that it can get exhausting, and even I admit that I would probably be happier if I ignored everything. If you’re able to ignore everything, you should selfishly do that. But as I’ve grown older, I have learned to care for people outside of myself. It has led to me having a wife, son, and dog, all three of which I think are pretty cool. As a white guy who will be dead before global warming destroys the world, I’m going to be fine, no matter who is in charge, but since I care about others outside of myself, I can’t help but pay attention to this stupid bullshit.

Speaking of stupid bullshit, I am going to break down the candidates by who I think would be best to have a beer with. I’m all in for Bernie with my vote, but this is an objective list, so he will definitely not get the top spot here. Also, if he was still running, Andrew Yang would have probably been the top choice in this metric.

9. Amy Klobuchar

You’re probably thinking that I’m putting Klobuchar last since she is an awful human being who abuses her employees, but if I’m just having a beer with someone, that’s not going to totally register for me. No, my big issue is that she just comes across as someone who is loud all of the time. It’s a common defense mechanism for unfunny people who won’t say anything clever, but they will say something mildly offbeat VERY LOUDLY, and that gets them a positive reaction. I personally just want those people to be quiet as I would rather just chill and enjoy my beer while having a reasonably volumed conversation.

8. Donald Trump

Next on the list is Donald Trump, who you may think is even louder than Klobuchar, but I think he’s more boisterous and although he is a lout, he can have normal volumed conversations. No, my big issue with Trump is I get exhausted by people who have to put themselves over. Like, congratulations on your accomplishments, but stories of success are super boring. Give me the great failures, because those are way more engaging and often hilarious. Only insecure people need to brag about themselves which is why people who post a lot on social media are often very sad and insecure, just like our president. Also, there is no way he’d pick up the tab.

7. Bernie Sanders

I told you this list was objective, and unfortunately, I have to put Bernie fairly low. Bernie loves talking about issues and helping people most in need, and even though we’re on the same page on that stuff, I really just want to enjoy my beer and watch the game. “Yes, Bernie, I know we need medicare for all, but that doesn’t really relate to the important topic of the Bears quarterback situation.” It’d probably be exhausting, and as low as I am ranking him, he would probably rank me lower which I am totally fine with, because I do kind of suck.

6. Mike Bloomberg

I don’t really think this would be enjoyable, but Mike is so stupid rich that even after we shared a beer, he’d tell the bartender to put my drinks on his tab for the rest of the night. I think in a short period of time, he would only say one or two offensive things about minorities, but hopefully the long night of alcohol would wipe those from my memories.

Also, I know Bloomberg is a massive piece of shit in nearly countless real-world ways, but the most offensive thing he has proposed is an open office situation where no one has any privacy and he can look down on everyone’s work. What a damn clown.

5. Tulsi Gabbard

Sometimes Tulsi says things that I like, and other times, she says things that really confuse me. I may like her, I may not, but I don’t think she would be an offensive guest to join me for a beer. And now we take a huge jump forward and go to the people I think I would really enjoy having a beer with.

4. Pete Buttigieg

I know this one seems odd, because as a Bernie supporter, I must hate everything about Mayor Pete. I usually follow the rules, but I’m pretty sure I would enjoy having a beer with Pete. Pete is a scum of the Earth, former McKinsey employee, which is just an awful organization that tries to accomplish nothing but awful things. But McKinsey does hire smart people, and I’m guessing with Pete’s political success, he’s probably a pretty charming guy in the right situation. In fact, I have experience of briefly hanging out with somebody very similar to Pete in Jeff Luhnow. Luhnow is seen as a scumbag, and he probably is, but the guy knows how to work a room and make everyone feel welcomed. I have completely enjoyed my brief interactions with the guy, and I’m guessing Pete would be the same way. I think Pete and I would both really enjoy talking and having a cold brewski.

3. Elizabeth Warren

Warren is a smart lady, she actually likes to drink beer, or is at least willing to pretend, which is all that I’m really asking for. Also, although she doesn’t seem funny, she at least seems to have a sense of humor. Honestly, she carries a lot of the appeal of a beer with Buttigieg but without being inherently evil. I feel like I would enjoy having a beer with someone who is not evil as opposed to someone who is.

2. Joe Biden

Joe Biden would be a blast to have a beer with. Would he make some inappropriate jokes? For sure, but that’s just guys being dudes. Would he say something to the lady bartender or waitress? You know how us guys be. Would he say something super offensive that you try to excuse as, “Oh, he’s just from a different generation,” but that phrase would linger with you for a while, and you’d realize that, no, he really shouldn’t have said that? 100%, and that is why I can only put him at #2 on this list.

1. Tom Steyer

This may seem like a shocking choice for number one, but Tom Steyer just seems like a positive guy. I don’t think I could possibly have a down night while hanging out with Tom Steyer. I think he would be really engaged in whatever conversation I wanted to talk about (the answer is always Iowa Wrestling). He would find everything I said to be fascinating, and we would laugh and just have a great time. He would definitely ask me if I wanted to do shots, and I’d have to break the news to him that I don’t do shots anymore. But he’d press along, and since we were having a good time, I’d end up breaking my own rule. Then he would order Irish Car Bombs, and I would protest since those are definitely not shots, but he’d say that he already ordered them, and there’s no way he could drink two of them. I hate being wasteful so I’d end up chugging one. I’d think to myself, “Man, those are good. I forgot how good those were.” It would probably spiral from there, and the next morning I would wake up with the worst hangover I have had in a decade. 

But Tom and I would have still had one hell of a time.

It's Your Turn To Feel The Bern

I don’t talk politics too much here on the blog, but I’m throwing my support behind Bernie Sanders for the democratic primary. I know we have a lot of readers in an early primary state, so I just want to share my opinions about how I got to that choice.

First off, I think I need to recognize that I have been secluded in a Bernie Bubble. Social media has made it easy to surround yourself with like-minded people, so I think it’s important to open my mind and recognize why people like other candidates.

Donald Trump - Let’s recognize that the man is funny and charismatic. Even if you really hate him, you need to recognize that people are drawn to him and he’s said some legitimately funny things. First he made fun of Jeb Bush for being a mama’s boy, and when Jeb said that his mother was the strongest woman that he knows, Trump replied, “She should be running.” That’s legitimately funny.

Joe Biden - Obama kind of liked him back in the day. Reminds you of your racist grandpa that you justify their comments with, “He grew up in a different time.” That’s sweet.

Elizabeth Warren - Is a woman. She knows a lot about financial institutions which makes her qualified to tackle income inequality in this country. Has a cute dog.

Pete Buttigieg - Could be the first gay president. Probably knows a lot about wine.

Cory Booker - Minority candidate who dates an actress and unapologetically tells Dad jokes. That might make him the winner of candidate I’d most like to have a beer with.

Andrew Yang - $1,000 a month? Hell yeah! He cusses. Plus, he is good at math because of racist stereotypes. Probably the candidate I’d most like to smoke weed with.

Amy Klobuchar - Is unapologetically an asshole who wants nothing to get better who is only doing this to make rich friends so she can finally sit at the cool table. Even I love how honest she is in her ambitions.

Michael Bloomberg - Makes me feel tall.

Tom Steyer - Is also running for president

Okay, I recognized I was in a Bernie Bubble, but I emerged to find the best qualities in each of the other candidates. My case for Bernie is super simple. I don’t agree with him on everything but he’s strong on climate change and he’s the only candidate with a strong plan for Medicare For All. Those are the biggest issues facing the United States at this time.

I also think he has the best chance of any of the democratic candidates. I saw somebody point out that the most exciting candidate has continually won the election over at least the last 30 years. Think about the boring ass dopes that ran against Clinton, Bush, Obama, and Trump. Was anyone excited about Older Bush, Dole, Gore, Kerry, McCain, Romney, or Lady Clinton? No, I’m not sure if I could come up with a more milquetoast group of people if I tried. Andrew Yang is the only other candidate that people are actually excited to support. The other candidates people just support because they think they have a chance, but there is nothing exciting about any of them. Bernie’s rallies are the biggest, he has the most donors, and the most money coming in despite not having big money donors. Bernie isn’t the most exciting guy, but he has exciting ideas, and people actually want to vote for him on the strength of Bernie, not the weaknesses of his competitors.

I think a big reason for that is Bernie is the only candidate who is not simply running to become President. He actually wants to improve the lives of Americans, and he knows this is the only way to get it done. When I look at every other candidate, I see people vying for president just so they can say they were president. It reminds me of when I ran for Junior Class President even though the only responsibility of that position was planning Prom, something I had zero interest in, much like these people have zero interest in improving the lives of Americans. Most of them don’t want anything to change which means I at least respect Amy Klobuchar for being honest about it. The only two that would bring some change are Yang and Warren. Yang has seedlings of good plans, but they haven’t grown into viable ideas, while Warren has already backtracked on medicare for all, and the longer this goes, the worse people are going to feel about her.

Even if your political opinions don’t totally align, at least recognize that Bernie Sanders actually seems to care about working class people in this country. He’s not a perfect candidate, but at least he wants to make things better. We could do far worse than that.

Hulk Hogan's Presidential Run

With the 2016 election heating up, there is no better time to look back on the presidential campaign that was truly ahead of its time. If all you need now is celebrity status and a willingness to say and do stupid things, there was one candidate who was ready before all the rest. That candidate? The Immortal (and possibly racist) Hulk Hogan. I mean, just imagine if Donald Trump would have said what Hogan got in so much trouble for, we wouldn't have batted an eye, and there would have been plenty of Backwoods Iowans ready to say, "He's just saying what we're all thinking." But alas, Hogan tried to run for President in 2000 instead of 2016, and that was truly his biggest mistake. Still, let's take a look back on the greatest presidential candidate that the United States has ever seen.

In 1998, Hulk Hogan knew his career was over and decided to announce his retirement. There was no better time and place to do this than Thanksgiving Night on the Jay Leno show.

When Leno asked Hulk what he was going to announce, Hulk responded, "The big announcement is, since it's Thanksgiving and everyone's at home watching, I kind of come to the crossroads here and I've accomplished everything I wanted to do in wrestling. My family's secure, I've had a great career, and I wanted to officially announce my retirement."

Let's quickly break down the most ridiculous things from this short response.

3. "Since it's Thanksgiving and everyone's at home watching"
Wait, is that a thing? Is this a tradition that we celebrate to honor Native Americans? Like, we stole their land and infested them with disease, so we will watch late night talk shows to pay our respects? I don't remember that being a thing.

2. "I've accomplished everything I wanted to do in wrestling...I wanted to officially announce my retirement"
Hulk Hogan wrestled for another FIFTEEN years, and he has still been squawking about getting one more match in the WWE.

1. "My family's secure"
And the reason Hulk Hogan is still trying to wrestle is because he's still trying to make money. Your wife filing divorce, trying to support your daughter's musical career, and your son paralyzing someone has a way to drain your assets rather quickly. Hence, a lot more wrestling, plenty of public appearances, and racism, although the racism doesn't seem to be paying off.

But the Hulkster still had plenty to say about his potential Presidency, and Jay Leno was asking the tough questions:

Jay: But have you had any experience at all in this field?
Hulk: Well, I've been making decisions all my life.

The man has a point, and try to prove him wrong...you can't. He'd been making decisions his whole life, so how was he not ready to be president?

Jay: I'm glad you're not coming into comedy. Now what about your past? Any secrets? Cause they invesitgate you.

Hulk: We all make mistakes, and thank God we learn from those mistakes. I mean, I'm beyond this mid-life crisis that Clinton is going through now.

This is probably my favorite line from Hogan's brief Presidential run. He's beyond a mid-life crisis. The last twenty years of Hulk Hogan's life has been one giant mid-life crisis. He calls out Clinton for cheating on his wife, but this is a man who had sex with his friend's wife, which is...uh, better? This doesn't even bring up the much weirder aspect of his mid-life crisis. He has a weird obsession with his daughter to the point that he is now married to a woman who looks EXACTLY like his daughter.

And they both look like him, which does not help his case, but hey, to each their own. As for his policies, all he said was that he wanted to go into Iraq and take out Saddam Hussein (although he couldn't pronounce it right), which is dumb, and he wanted a flat tax which is somehow even dumber.

But did anyone take this seriously? Well, CBS News reported it, so yeah, people did take it seriously.

Hulk Hogan was ready to save America through training, prayers, and eating vitamins. Unfortunately, a larger mission was on the horizon.

Yes, just six weeks after Hulk Hogan announced his bid for the Presidency, and on the night he had planned on letting the world know who his Vice President would be, he gave it all up to save WCW (and also to call Bill Goldberg a sexual deviant).

What was so big that Hulk had to come back to wrestling? Well, a shot at Kevin Nash and the WCW title, which of course led to this:

THE FINGERPOKE OF DOOM!

When I began writing this piece, I imagined how much better the world would be if Hulk would have spent eight great years in the White House. We'd have no debt, there would be no childhood obesity, and terrorists would no longer exist as they would have long ago converted to Hulkamania. But we also wouldn't have The Fingerpoke of Doom, and quite frankly, that's not a world I want to live in.

You made the right choice, Hulk.

The Best Sad Political Comments on Facebook Last Night

Going on Facebook after Obama was declared winner of the presidency could have ended in one of two ways depending on my state of mind. It could have depressed the hell out of me to see the shit that people were saying, or it could have ended in hilarity, because, holy shit, people are painfully stupid. I decided to make it awesome and break down the best things I saw on Facebook last night.

Sad day

Stupid, but at least reasonable. It is simple and to the point. I could at least imagine myself having these feelings if a candidate I did not believe in won the election.

Time for more handouts and obscene spending!

Was the spending obscene? You could make that case, but the spending has been obscene for 12 years now. Selective memory is neat.

Moving backwards another four years!!!

The three exclamation points add intelligence to the claim.

if obama wins I'm moving to Brazil once my my money comes in..... #fuckobama#

Because Brazil is a safe haven where everything is fantastic. DID YOU NOT SEE FAST FIVE? THERE IS DANGER EVERYWHERE!

But my favorite comments, BY FAR, were the following:

May God have mercy on this nation.

Praying for America and our future. This is scary.

We can only pray that The Lord has mercy on the USA...pray that HE gives us the strength that this country needs.

Oh, God, it is just so painfully stupid and ignorant and wonderful all at once. When you read it as stupid and ignorant, it makes a person's palm go directly to their forehead, but take a second, and read it for all its wonderful glory. I am totally fine with people believing in God. 

The first one is stupid but simple, so it doesn't incite much anger in me.

The second one is way dumber. This is scary? What the fuck is scary about this? A president got elected. It wasn't the person who you wanted to win. Grow the fuck up.

And finally, the third comment. Oh, you beautiful, wonderful, brilliant piece of art. Because this is not a sentence; this is art. Like if I was trying to write from the most ignorant person in the world's point of view, I could never come up with something this amazing. Thank you, retarded person who wrote this. Thank you so much.

Now here's my issue...

I have no problem if you see God as an all-powerful being who can control anything he damn well pleases. I have no issue if you see God as all-powerful, but as someone who refuses to step in as it would invade man's freedom of choice. But you can't have it both ways. Now, these Religious Fuckwads are in a little thing called the circle of logic. And when Religious Fuckwads are surrounded by logic, it leads to disastrous results. 

If God was all powerful, and you think that Obama will ruin the country, I am sure God could have stopped that. Why not have a hurricane that takes out the president instead of electricity in New York? Huh, God? Why did you not do that? SHOW US YOUR MERCY YOU SON OF A BITCH. 

If God refuses to step in, then who gives a fuck? He clearly hasn't done anything on this planet before, and we're doing just fine. Most of the people who are complaining about the unemployment rate not only have a job, half of them probably don't even know a person who is actually unemployed. And if they don't think God has the power to step in, then, really, what's the point? If I was going to pick a God, I certainly wouldn't pick the weak ass bitch God that can't even show his awesome power. 

Make up your minds, Religious Fuckwads (I would like to trademark this term). Either your God is all powerful and he supports Obama, or he is a weak ass bitch who can't even step in to make anything happen. You can't have it both ways.

Also, I am guessing that the people who posted these comments do not realize that Mitt Romney is Mormon, and therefore has the most hilarious beliefs ever. Sure, I could show a South Park clip, but instead I will show one of the most underrated videos on the internet: 

You're Welcome.

Vote Or Die!

Hey everybody, get out and rock the vote, unless you are voting for a candidate that I do not like, in which case you are clearly an uninformed asshole that does not deserve to have a vote. Learn the facts man, your candidate is Mormon/Muslin, so clearly they are trying to kill this country from the inside. You are only voting for that candidate because you are racist/don't want to appear to be a racist. I mean, come on, he hates women's rights/small businesses. Don't be fooled by his fantastic hair/smile.

Oh, but if you're not in a swing state, your vote does not matter for the presidential election, and I'm going to go out on a limb and say that if you are reading this blog, you probably have no idea what separates most of the other candidates on your ballot. I voted no on retaining all the judges, because they clogged up my mailbox, and my dream is that Judge Dredd or Judge Reinhold will one day be making all the laws in this state. You see? My vote does matter.

Well, I'm pretty sure that is all you need to know about voting. Vote or DIE!